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Secondary education

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Original poster

DD given a Prefect role on a 'probationary' basis - singled out for not complying with school rules, which is news to us

193 replies

hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 09:02

Parents evening a few weeks ago. All favourable - dd works hard in class is meeting expected targets etc. No negative feedback.

Pupils were recently asked to apply if they wanted a prefect role. All those who applied were given prefect roles - with dd and one of her friends held back and spoken to separately. They were both told that they were on probation for half a term and their prefect roles would only be made substantive if they could prove themselves. Apparently they are not complying with school rules.

DD was aghast - apparently she rolls up her skirt too high. She has been told about this by her form teacher and she rolls it back down again when asked and has been complying without being asked recently. She and every other girl who has been selected as Prefects all do this - including the head girl, and dd is adamant she is no worse than anyone else. DD has complained to me previously that her Form teacher does not like her (or her friend) and is harder on her (and her friend) than on her peers and does not appear to be consistent or fair minded. She has given me a couple of recent examples.

It seems that dd now has this sword of Damocles over her and is sure her role wont be made substantive when the half term is up because she thinks her Form teacher will be looking to find fault

What to do?

OP posts:
Bensyster · 25/03/2017 11:10

No it doesn't stop them rolling up the pleated skirts and it does look bloody awful, #not classy....I'm slightly ashamed of this but I have pointed out really bad examples of rolled up skirts to dd to convince her that rolled up looks worse that knee length and she agrees - as I said previously I'm a fan of trousers for all.

Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 11:11

I am a little bemused by how you can all assume that dd is 'trouble' and that the Form teacher is beyond reproach. Have you never personally encountered an authority figure who took an irrational dislike to you. I see threads on here all the time - granted it's usually a manager - employee relationship under discussion ...but it's really not that uncommon

OP posts:
TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 25/03/2017 11:12

She probably asked what they were doing as they looked guilty rushing back into the changing room when they saw her

Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 11:13

I may be over invested - dd receives counselling for anxiety and was in tears over this last night. She needs some support with the problem

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 25/03/2017 11:14

hmcAsWas

No-one can tell if it was constructive unless the context is known.

Were they messing around in the corridor?
Were they just at their lockers?
Were they pushing and shoving each other to get away?
Were the giggling in the locker room?
Were they cowering in the corner?
Were they making comments 'she's coming in' etc.
Was it possible to walk away in the opposite direction?

And by going into the changing room the teacher has to follow.

But the context is everything.

Bensyster · 25/03/2017 11:17

user1490123259 come on, we all know teachers who picked on kids at school.

thatdearoctopus · 25/03/2017 11:19

the Form teacher is beyond reproach.

Can you point to anyone who's said that?

In my experience, teachers don't take "irrational dislikes" to pupils. If there's an issue, there will be a reason for it, although they should at all times be professional and fair. The debate here is whether there is good cause for this teacher to be on your dd's case. You think not. Posters here think there must be more to it than your dd is telling you/admitting to.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 25/03/2017 11:19

I reckon user149 is the form tutor. Grin

Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 11:21

Wouldn't surprise me TheColonel - although I have tried to avoid identifying details!

OP posts:
marialuisa · 25/03/2017 11:23

Having had a situation where my teenage DD ended up receiving an apology from her form teacher for unfairly singling her out I wouldn't be so quick to assume the problem is with HMC's DD. In my DD's case the form teacher's behaviour and treatment of DD were picked up by other staff which led to the apology. Is there a member of staff your DD gets on with who she could talk to?

MrsJayy · 25/03/2017 11:26

Frustrating as it is what everybody else gets or seems to get away with is no concern of your Dds her moaning it is not fair isn't going to help her . Tell her to keep her skirt at length and just keep her head down teenagers are very good at the teacher hates me thing sometimes.

Bensyster · 25/03/2017 11:28

Mumsnet does tend towards believing the teacher before the child....op you have to decide whether this is the case and how far you wish to investigate this. Teachers are human, not saints...some behave rather badly, but some kids behave rather badly too. Ds feels one of his teachers picks on him, I requested a meeting with her to ask her what he was doing to upset her as he was getting quite anxious and was considering dropping the subject...I never got the meeting - she didn't respond but her attitude to ds improved remarkably.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/03/2017 11:33

hmcAsWas

From what you have posted your dd does not come across as 'bad' or 'naughty', but then neither does the teacher.

It could well be that the teacher "has it in " for your child, it could be the your child is "bad", It is more likely that what is happening is a series of your dd doing the wrong thing as the tutor is there.

neither is wrong, neither is bad sometimes things just coincide.

sashh · 25/03/2017 11:34

She and every other girl who has been selected as Prefects all do this

The only relevant bit is that your dd does it.

The going back in to the changing room - that does look suspicious, sorry.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/03/2017 11:35

Bensyster
Mumsnet does tend towards believing the teacher before the child

Mumsnet tends towards finding out all of the details before going in like a bull in a china shop.

MsJuniper · 25/03/2017 11:35

I think to be fair to the op it can be a bit of a vicious circle, there are definitely teachers and pupils who start off on a bad foot and never recover. I think it will help your daughter to accept responsibility and crucially to work on her reactions, as it should be fairly easy to modify e.g. skirt length, outdoor time, but can be more tricky to modify your emotions and stop yourself backing away, rolling eyes etc if you are in the habit of doing so. Help her learn ways of holding her feelings in and finding appropriate outlets.

If a poster were in a situation where they were being bullied by a manager, the advice would be not to react and calmly make a note of any incidents where they have been treated unfairly with dates etc for future reference. I would do this and also try to think of ways to get ahead - e.g. volunteering help with a school event.

I was an overemotional teen and it wasn't a happy place to be - despite best intentions I would always get it a bit wrong. I'd have loved some support to help me understand and handle my emotions better and accept responsibility for my actions.

MrsJayy · 25/03/2017 11:36

Mumsnet isn't a collective Confused if the op thinks her childs teacher is picking on her then the op should say. However teenagers can and do look around and blame everybody else for things they do

peeriebear · 25/03/2017 11:39

I remember from my school days the odd pupil would be treated more harshly than others. My exDH was ridiculed and bullied by a teacher. It happens. OP it sounds like talking to the deputy head would get you some answers.
Not everyone on here is wearing rose tinted glasses and thinking their child can do no wrong- sometimes adults do let feelings cloud their judgement and affect their behaviour. To refuse to entertain it as a possibility is very unfair on OP.

senua · 25/03/2017 11:42

Apparently they are not complying with school rules ... She and every other girl who has been selected as Prefects all [roll their skirts too high] - including the head girl, and dd is adamant she is no worse than anyone else

So it isn't just skirt rolling that is the problem, there are other things - like going to the Library when she was expressly told to go outside.Hmm

I think that you and the school need to handle this carefully. At the moment she is on a "behave or else" threat. The trouble with issuing ultimatums is that you have to follow through: if she doesn't get to be a prefect then she may go off the rails and be even worse next year. It's in everyone's interests (that includes you) that she behaves and is accepted.
She also needs to grow a backbone and realise that she is in charge of her future. Stop trying to blame other people (eg teacher) for her downfall. Tell her to be more proactive with the Form Teacher: speak to her like a human being, tell her what efforts have been made that week and ask for feedback i.e. make sure the teacher 'catches her being good'. Don't wait for contact (which always seems to be a telling off).

GrassWillBeGreener · 25/03/2017 11:50

Hope it all works out. I'd have loved to have been a prefect at school; my mother still believes that I would have been appointed except for one senior teacher vetoing it. There's enough reason that she could be right.

swingofthings · 25/03/2017 11:59

You might be absolutely right that the Head teacher might be unfair, but the problem is that everything is subjective. He must have HIS valid reasons for not liking your DD and thinking that she is not ready to be a prefix. The fact that your DD, and you by proxi don't agree doesn't mean that he is wrong.

Maybe all the girls roll their skirts, but maybe they stopped doing that many weeks before your DD did. Maybe when they were asked to do so, they stopped and didn't wait to be around the corner to put it back up, and then seen by another teacher who reported her to the Head. Or maybe when they did, they responded very politely whereas your daughter put it down with attitude with her body language.

What your DD and you need to accept is that fairness is often subjective and you can't do much about it in hierarchical structure unless you can prove discrimination, which is very difficult to do anyway.

Your DD needs to learn from it. As it's been said, she will face people who take a dislike in you for what seems to be unfair reasons and you will need to manage it. The director of my department took a dislike of me after a couple of month in my role. He was being unfair in his assessment, but instead of trying to fight a battle, I changed my way to prove him that what he thought I was doing wrong, I was actually very good at. 2 years later and I am being promoted.

hippyhippyshake · 25/03/2017 12:18

Hmm. A normal response to the teacher's 'glare' would have been a neutral look or a quick acknowledgement if they weren't doing anything wrong. Scuttling into a changing room (and probably giggling!) just doesn't show maturity for a prefect you have to admit!

Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 12:19

Thank you to the posters who have accepted at least the possibility that there is could be some issue with the parent - student relationship which is not wholly attributable to my dd's behaviour.

I certainly do not intend to go in all guns blazing. I need to decide whether to see the deputy head or whether to see the teacher directly in the first instance. It might be more 'politic' to see the Form teacher but I have to admit my preference is to speak to the deputy head. My reasoning is that if the teacher is being disproportionate with dd then she is part of the problem and it wouldn't hurt for the deputy head to be alert to the possibility that perhaps she isn't get wholly objective, balanced feedback from the Form teacher and perhaps to take soundings from others.

I won't be going in flinging out accusations but will be explaining that dd perceives a problem with her Form teacher, that its probably all in dd's head (I don't believe it is actually but will say this as the politic thing to say) but does the Deputy Head have any advice on how dd might resolve this and are there any issues that as parents we need to know about. I shall emphasise that dd is keen to prove herself and needs more guidance and direction about where she is going wrong so that she can rectify it

OP posts:
Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 12:22

Not parent-student doh, I meant teacher-student relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
hmcAsWas · 25/03/2017 12:24

I will also ask dd to try harder with the Form Teacher - being proactive as some posters have suggested

OP posts:
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