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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Boarding school - will I regret it?

294 replies

BuffysMum · 25/02/2007 14:11

dd1 wants to go to boarding school (will cost us around £3k per year max), of course is is competitive entry so she may not get in.

BUT if she does I send her what are the down sides that I haven't thought of. BTW she is very academically able and the school she will attend other wise has been bottom/near bottom of the league tables for years despite huge amount of investment after it failed.

OP posts:

Astrophe · 27/02/2007 23:20

satine - I almost didn't answer your question for fear of causing huge offense or being shouted down...but......

I wouldn't send my DCs to nursery full, or even close to full tiem either. Because nurseries are institutions too, and children should be raised in families, not nurseries. So I am a SAHM. If my DH was at home and I worked, that would be fine too, IMO.

(QUALIFYING STATEMENT AS REQUIRED BY MUMSNET POLICE: of course there are exceptional circumstances - if finances mean both parents must work, or if both parents adore their work and would resent DC if they had to stay home...but, all things being equal, and its most situations, I think nurseries are 2nd best. And no, I don't think parents who put their kids in nursery are all terrible people, or that they should be shot, or that their children will be in detention by 14)

Heathcliffscathy · 27/02/2007 23:25

cod and greeny you're not bitter, you're brave enough to be honest with yourselves.

independence is not born of loss.

loss of parents presence does NOT create better balanced individuals unless the parental home is such a neglectful or abusive shitshow that the institution is preferable...which can be the case lets face it.

mummydoc · 28/02/2007 11:17

buffysmum - when is the entrance exam for your dd ? best of luck to her to for it.

Original poster

BuffysMum · 28/02/2007 11:36

I think the exams are October and then the weekend thing after Christmas.

I do think it's interesting that quite a few posters don't seem to realise that having a parallel life when you are teenager and living at home is quite common - you just have to be deceitful about it! Like the poster who had her friends dd coming for pregnancy advice at 13 - believe even my friends with loving relationships with their parents got up to lots of stuff they didn't know about and relied on friends!

I do agree that boarding is probably unsuitable for the majority of children - like I said I can't see dd2 enjoying it and probably not the others dd1 is a different kettle of fish.

I wonder if I'd get flamed for posting I'm sending my dd to a failiing school which may close half way thru her education, where she is highly likely to be bullied for 5 years, none of her friends are going, she will probably not fit in and probably not achieve very well because I can't bear to have her not live me - would that be seen as selfish or acceptable?

I really do think life is far from ideal and it is the limited choice that is a problem.

OP posts:

Berries · 28/02/2007 11:48

I personally would hate to send the dds to boarding school as I would miss them too much BUT if the choice were a good education at boarding school or a potentially v bad one at local school I would seriously consider the bs option. In a perfect life I'm sure you would prefer to send your dd to a good local school, but life isn't perfect and sometimes we have to make hard choices. I think if she is allowed to go on the basis that 'if you hate it you can leave' then it's def. worth a try.

BTW I had a very poor relationship with my mum throughout my teens, still don't tell her anything meaningful now and would have jumped at the chance of bs.

Good luck with your choice.

nearlythere · 28/02/2007 12:03

i went to day school up until the age of sixteen then was 'allowed' after many episodes of pestering to attend a public boarding school for my a-levels- i can tell you now that those two years were the best of my life! Living with my closest friends, having a relationship based on trust and respect with the teachers and generally living it up! I met such a diverse range of people and can guarantee that without the boarding school i would not have got my a-levels. it was a community where learning and fun went together very nicely!
It also had something to do with the fact that in my year there were 45 boys and 7 girls! and a total of only 19 girls in the whole school! Needless to say i married the boy i fell in love with in the sixth form and we plan on sending our children to the same school if they want to go- i think it is a choice that the kids should help to make. My parents really couldn't afford the school but i pestered so much that my mum did everything to send me there- even re-mortgaged our house, but claims to this day that it was worth every hour of overtime she had to do! (which i will add was possible as she had no childcare issues!!)

Enid · 28/02/2007 12:07

sorry if this has been said but buffy can hyou not pay to send her to independent day school nearby?

there is a state boarding school near us which for some ungodly reason is popular with parents at dd1s school

cannot cannot understand it

I want dd1 upstairs having tantrums in her romo and playing her music too loud

LadyMacbeth · 28/02/2007 12:31

I attended public school for a while as a day pupil. The boarder girls were the most bitchy, spiteful group of cats I have ever had the displeasure of spending time with. There was endless internal backbiting among them and they also constantly tried to gang up on the day pupils, saying we were 'wet' for going home every night.

It upset me a bit at the time. With the benefit of hindsight I now know that their actions were the symptoms of young vulnerable teenagers at an utterly miserable and insecure time in their lives.

chopchopbusybusy · 28/02/2007 13:10

I think if I were in your position I would probably send her. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your daughter and as long as you feel confident that she would tell you if she didn't like it then I don't think you have anything to lose - especially if the local school is as bad as you say. I am curious - did the local school change it's name a few years ago - new name begins with J?

For those that have said that they stopped confiding in their parents when they were sent to boarding school - I stopped communicating with mine when I became a teenager - it happens

astronomer · 28/02/2007 13:15

of course you will regret it to some extent whatever you do, it goes with the guilt and worry that comes with the little bundle handed to you in the delivery room, you wouldn't be a parent if you didn't

cjmummy · 28/02/2007 13:22

BuffysMum .. if you want to chat to someone about CH I know quite a bit about it and may be able to give you some of the real pros and cons. Just let me know your msn or email address and I will try and help!

nearlythere · 28/02/2007 14:06

can i ask a quick question- are we talking about Christ's Hospital in Sussex? Just a guess, if i'm wrong then i'll be quiet!I'm just nosey- but i know a lot about the school (as an insider! My mum used to teach there!) if you wanted some more info!

BuffysMum · 28/02/2007 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lynniep · 28/02/2007 14:38

I have mixed feelings on this issue. If its a chance for a better education then I'd say yes, give it a go. I have no doubt that I did far better academically because I got the chance for private education, where the classes were very small and the standard of teaching was high and we were given a lot of individual attention.

However, I'd never send my child to board unless there was no other option, purely because of my experiences.
In my case, I was asked by my parents at age 10 (4th year primary) if I wanted to go (the RAF were paying, so it was full time board or nothing). Of course I said yes. That was the most miserable year of my life. And due to my tendency to grin and make jokes of situations, my parents never really knew how horrible it was. Unfortately this was due solely to the housemistresses we had - think of the sisters in 'James and the Giant peach' both in looks and temperament, and then imagine them looking after your children. Sounds funny now but its not when you're ten years old and they're playing mind games with you. It was such a relief to leave the boarding house every day to see our lovely form teacher, and so awful knowing that night we'd have to go back again to that place.

I moved to senior school after that year and luckily had a lovely housemistress who was strict but kind, and the experience was very different with her. Sadly though, in an all girls school, this is when bullying starts, and if you are stuck at school 24/7 then its relentless when you're the victim. I would hope that now, 20 odd years later, that because bullying has become more prominent in the news then it doesnt get the chance to go as far as it did then and there are better procedures in place to 'catch' it. Girls can be evil witches at that age, without really knowing why theyre doing it.

I don't know how I would have turned out if I hadn't gone to board - how could I? - but I do think my relationship with my folks suffered, although we got there in the end. We'll never be close, but who's to say we would have been anyway - we're not a lovey dovey family but we look out for each other. I didnt know what to do with myself when I was at home - I always felt a bit out of place, because I knew it wouldnt be for long. I also think I was very immature for far longer than perhaps I would have been otherwise, but who knows? Good luck with the decision.

feetheart · 28/02/2007 15:04

^It does seem to be the case on this and other similar threads that the people who have been to bs are usually the ones who are most vehemently against it and the people who send their dcs to bs are the ones who are most pro.

Surely there's a lesson there...? ^

Though there are some of us who boarded and loved it whereas if you ask my Mum she would probably say that she hated me being away. Though I admit we may be in the minority!

Buffysmum - good luck with it all of it - entrance exams, decisions, etc.
If things don't improve around here I will be in your situation in about 6 years time so may be back on here for advice!

feetheart · 28/02/2007 15:08

Sorry about the ... didn't quite get that right

wychbold · 28/02/2007 18:25

Buffysmum: can you explain, please? You have said a couple of times that one of the reasons for not going to the sink school is that DD?s friends will not be going there. So where are they going, and why can?t DD go there too?

Original poster

BuffysMum · 28/02/2007 22:18

dd's friend all have older siblings at a much better school. We are way out of catchment area and it is very over subscribed - I will apply there but unlikely to get in!

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 28/02/2007 23:27

A couple of things stood out from your posts Buffysmum; you say that your dd may get bullied in the local school just as she might at boarding school. It seems to me that you cannot know whether bullying is more likely at one or the other, but at least if she's at home each day you are likely to KNOW about it and there is simply way, way less time for bullying to happen; 6 hours a day instead of 24. It seems true that it's difficult for children to raise these things with their parents when they are boarding; are you SURE you would be able to protect her as well as you could if she were living at home with you?

Also, I felt it was heart-rending what you said about friends being your family, and being unable to imagine a close relationship with your kids as they get older.

i think you have identified a huge issue there; your children desperately NEED that close, involved relationship as they grow and this boarding idea seems a way of you avoiding the whole issue, but being able to justify your distancing of yourself because it's for your dd's education. I don't mean you are a bad person who wants to get rid of your dd but I do think that comment of yours was hugely significant and surely has to have a big bearing on why you're considering this. You are entering uncharted waters and it's scary, so you look for a way of creating that bit of distance, while at the same time doing what you feel is best for your dd.

My feeling, parenting is best for children. Education, second to that. That's my personal view, if push comes to shove. Because Education can take place at home, but unconditional love cannot take place at school.

Best of luck, whatever you decide - it's a big situation, obviously.

Original poster

BuffysMum · 01/03/2007 11:49

SSup I am well aware that my issues do afffect all my parenting decisions - you are a brave women to say it though!!!! I posted some of that as I'm amazed of the naiviety (sp?) that some poster seems to think by having your children not at boarding school it will automatically have a warm, loving, involved realtionship with them - I do think some of them will find out in the future how wrong they were. It's hard work to get it right with teenagers.

Ultimately I agree with you that parenting is more important but it's incredibly hard to face sending your very bright and academically able child to a school that is unlikely to fit her needs and where she could come out with nothing. There was a girl who came to my secondary school part way thru whose parents had fought for 3 years to get her moved from a school like the one my dd will go to precisely because she was the only child who was interested in learning. I've spoken to other adults who went thru that sort of thing at secondary education and they had a horrific time - I don't think having there parents home made up for it!

BEfore anyone says Home Ed - it's not something I am going to be able to do at some point I will be returning to work as depending on tax credits to eat is not fun!

I will be applying to other schools and I will despertely hope she gets in but I am a realist she probably won't.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 01/03/2007 11:56

perhaps the change in school selection rules will work in your favour

Enid · 01/03/2007 12:01

can you not send her to independent day school

there's one in the next town to me that 'only' costs £6k a year

fannyannie · 01/03/2007 12:04

sunnyside - just how would my (or Beetroots children as they're in the same sort of school that I was in) education have been done at home???

I think a lot of posters on this thread are seeing boarding schools as they were 20-30yrs ago - and not as they are now.....just like with most things in our soceity they change.

Enid · 01/03/2007 12:06

yes they are much less popular nowadays

private schools that were mainly boarding now about a 50/50 mix

fannyannie · 01/03/2007 12:12

I meant that the way they are run and bullying etc has improved greatly since a lot of you lot (I'm just a young 'un ) were at them.

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