Boarding school - will I regret it?

[BuffysMum]

dd1 wants to go to boarding school (will cost us around £3k per year max), of course is is competitive entry so she may not get in.

BUT if she does I send her what are the down sides that I haven't thought of. BTW she is very academically able and the school she will attend other wise has been bottom/near bottom of the league tables for years despite huge amount of investment after it failed.

One of my ex-teachers is headmaster at a quaker school, I wonder if it's the same one?

I chose to go to boarding school for sixth form, and generally found it a positive experience. Certainly gave me access to a whole range of things to do that I would never have been able to do at home, and helped my social skills too. I think it probably improved my relationship with my parents, but then I asked to go so I could get away from my mother! My brother went to boarding school at 13 because he needed somewhere that could help him with his dyslexia, and I think he has generally mixed feelings about it. My sister also went at sixth form and had a fantastic time (she is still very good friends with the girls in her boarding house almost 20 years on). I think personality has a huge part to play in whether or not you enjoy being around people all the time and losing your independence (contrary to many people, I think that boarding school is more restrictive than living at home). Of the people I met at school, most of them were happy to be boarding, and some adored it. The majority of them had relationships as good or as bad as my friends from day school. My cousins also went to boarding school, some at sixth form and some at 13. In general they all seem happy about it, and my cousins in particular are very close to their mother (granted it was their dad that sent them away). I think that between us we went to six different schools, and none of them could be described as hellholes (that's not to say that there aren't horrible boarding schools). My dn moved from a state school to a weekly boarding school two years ago for similar sort of reasons to BuffysMum (very poor school were his parents started to notice that he was actually going backwards academically, and had very low self esteem as he stood out far too much). He didn't want to go away at all, and would still, I suspect prefer to be at home, but he has absolutely blossomed in the last couple of years, is so much more confident, is doing well and has friends with whom he can be himself. His relationship with his parents looks pretty normal to me. I think all you can do is talk to other parents, talk to kids who go there if you can, and really talk through alternatives with your dd, but let her know that you will be the one taking the decision, so if you decide the boarding school is not right for her, then she will understand. My sister and bil told their son that he would make the decision, and then decided they just couldn't leave him at the state school, and he was very angry - felt they had reneged on a promise.

Whether you like your time at b/s could just depend on the country you're in, also whether you're a boy or a girl. I enjoyed my time at schools in Kenya and Malawi, but db went to two schools in Zimbabwe and had a horrible time. That was in the early 1980s, but I don't think things have changed much. My sister still lives there and her ds goes to a boarding school. Recently she found out from someone else (not from him) that he had been beaten for something that several boys did in class, which caused the whole class of more than thirty boys to be sent to the headmaster. When she asked him about it he said at least half the class was innocent (including him), but apparently caning a whole class is something that happens quite often. Sis was horrified. She and BIL knew corporal punishment happened at that school before they sent him there, but there isn't a lot you can do, because all the boys schools have it. She just hoped he'd behave himself and it wouldn't happen to him. Now she finds out that he's been beaten at least twice a term since he went there (nearly 2 yrs now). So she's furious with him for not telling her. She wrote a stinker to the school about it, but they basically just laughed in her face. My db is also appalled. He says it's worse than it was in his day. He's urging her to tell dn to refuse the next time it happens. But if he does he'll surely be expelled, and maybe no other school would take him. So she's stuck, and it's a really horrible position to be in.

So my advice is, pick your country carefully before you send your ds to a boarding-school!

ooo Roxy - which school is that.......if you don't want to name the actual school - town and initials would be interesting (I lived in Zim for 2 1/2yrs and DH is from there, plus worked at a Zim school for most of my time there)....

Did the school you worked in have corporal punishment too FA? I don't think I could do that.

Not being critical btw, just curious.

Greensleeves - yes it did - I was really concerned about it to start with - but after about 1 term never gave it a 2nd thought.

FA - The school's at Marondera. There's college at Cambridge with the same name.

Which one was yours?

oh blimey - the poor sods..........DH and I taught (and met and married - and DH is an Old Boy) at one of the "arch rivals" of that school - initials PE - in Harare.

I would never send my children to boarding school.

It only created a lifetimes worth of problems for DP. Mainly not understanding how his parents could pack him up and send him away.

PE? Jesus, FA, that's one of the worst!

When you say you worked there, did you actually teach there? Or do you mean in some other capacity?

Yes I worked there for 2yrs and lived on the school grounds (in a room in the school hospital LOL) for about 1 1/2yrs of it.

DH LOVED PE - both as a pupil and a teacher and I was lucky enough to be there for the Centenary Year in 1998 when just about every famous Old Boy there is (ranging from Nick Price the Golfer, Duncan Fletcher - who of course is the English Cricket coach!, and the notorious John Bredenkamp) visited the school.

Sadly Clive Barnes who steered the "ship" for most of it's "Rainbow" Years left about 2-3yrs ago and it's gone downhill since......not helped by a certain man's insistence on ruining what could have been on the most successful countries in Africa

FA did it not bother you that the children were being beaten?

I'm REALLY not having a go at you, I know we don't all feel the same about these things... but all the same I don't understand, I couldn't work in a place like that, I would feel complicit in something terrible.

As I said - the first term it was HORRIBLE as it was so alien to me . But then I just got used to it. And TBH - of the 10-20 boys I sent to the office in the my time teaching there only 2 or 3 actually got "3 of the best" - the rest just got shouted at rather loudly by the (very scary looking - I was still scared of him when I left despite having been to his house for dinner and getting on with his wife and children LOL ) Deputy Headmaster.

BM sorry didn't read the whole thread but if your dd does get a place at this school and the only other option is a totally crap local school , I would send her to the boarding school, albeit with a heavy heart. If she isn't happy there, you can still send her to the local school.

Shame there isn't some option inbetween

FA - I wondered what you meant by "after about 1 term never gave it a 2nd thought".

TBH, I'd say the reason you never gave it a 2nd thought is that you didn't know anything about it! You must be too young to remember it in the UK, and I'll bet those "3 of the best" (did they really call it that?) never took place in your presence. So you could imagine it to be as harmless as it was in the Beano and the Dandy!

Roxy - actually I witnessed them receiving 3 strikes of the cane on many occasions - since one of my closest friends I made out there worked in the school office - and the Deputy Headmasters office door was always opened, and it opened into the school office.

ANY teacher that decided to take matters in their 'own hands' was in big trouble - and one very long standing member of staff (he's been there over 20yrs) was actually sacked while I was working there because he decided that 1950's style punishments were still acceptable instead of sending them to the Office.

The reason I never gave it a 2nd thought after the 1st term is because it wasn't alien to me anymore and so I didn't feel odd about it.

You mean a boy who'd been beaten would have to walk out of the deputy's office and straight past a couple of women who'd heard it all??? And he'd walk off in agony knowing they were looking at him?

Jesus wept! I must email my db about this. It's one of the most incredible things I've ever heard!

where do you think they discipline them - in a locked dungeon???

Yes he'd walk off - possibly in some pain - but only ever saw boys visibly upset - past the staff room, and past other boys who were looking at him too. In a school that had 1800 boys - most of whom would be in lessons centred around one end of the school grounds it would have been pretty hard to hide the fact that they'd been disciplined!

God, that turns my stomach

What do you mean "possibly in some pain". Fer Chrissake, FA, giving pain is the whole purpose!! What kind of punishment would it be if he wasn't in some pain? But obviously it's a code of honour amongst boys not to show it, especially not to two women sitting there as spectators. Just being beaten is humiliation enough!

Frankly, PE has always had a reputation for brutality, but most of the people working there were brought up in that country were they take such things for granted. What astonishes me is how a European could be so casual about it. You say it wasn't alien to you anymore. But that's after 1 term! Didn't the standards of Europe count for anything with you? Or even the example of your own teachers? What would they have thought of your spectator sport?

spectator sport possibly a bit harsh. She didn't say she revelled in it.

I don't understand the "getting used to it" either though. I don't think I could ever get used to witnessing cruelty to children like that.

"When she asked him about it he said at least half the class was innocent (including him), but apparently caning a whole class is something that happens quite often."

Roxy - just re-read your first post.....you say that PE is one of the worst........well I have NEVER spoken to a single Old Boy of PE (and having dated several members of Old Hararians before DH I've met plenty of all ages ) who knew of a whole class being beaten!

mind you to change the subject slightly (again!) Roxy - you're sister/bil must be in a good job to keep him up in Marondera (just hit me as I was reading my ZWNews).

what so punishment is always about pain is it??? TBH most of the boys said it was more humiliating having been caned and everyone else in the class knowing about it than the actual pain - which for the few repeat offenders was usually pretty slight once you factored in a well tucked in shirt, trousers, 2 pairs of pants and a bit of padding! For many of the really awkward kids it was a way of getting out of class - so they came prepared !

And no I certainly did view it as a spectator sport - just in my free periods from teaching I like to have a cup of coffee with my friend in the office.

Do you really think it's OK to physically humiliate a child like that though, even leaving aside the pain?

And of course it hurts. It's horribly painful. It's not meant to be a token tap.

I have had this discussion (or one similar) with you before though, so will bow out of this now.