Boarding school - will I regret it?

[BuffysMum]

dd1 wants to go to boarding school (will cost us around £3k per year max), of course is is competitive entry so she may not get in.

BUT if she does I send her what are the down sides that I haven't thought of. BTW she is very academically able and the school she will attend other wise has been bottom/near bottom of the league tables for years despite huge amount of investment after it failed.

the top girls independent school in britain..would that be?

My dh went to boarding school from the age of 6 . He hardly saw his parents (probably just as well as mil is a cow) and he and his siblings have a weird, very formal relationship with them now (he is 45). He often says he is envious of the relationship that I and db have with our parents.

I boarded and loved it -

If there are fee-paying day schools near you don't dismiss them out of hand because of the being the poor kid at the posh school argument. Firstly plenty of fee-paying schools have kids whose parents scrimp to pay (possibly even more likely if your only state school is as bad as you say) and/or have quite a diversity of people. Secondly being the poor kid at a posh school isn?t always so bad (I was and I survived). Especially if she?s academically bright, cheery, resilient, independant ? all these things are much more important to fitting in/finding friends than being able to afford the tennis lessons and the ski-ing trip (I never did. Best part of 20 years later I am still dear friends with many school friends who did the tennis/ski-ing thing). Thirdly all of this depends on the actual school ? your only way of finding out would be to visit ? it?s too important to dismiss without considering them. And hang around the school to watch the kids and parents. There might be a lot of 4-w drives and uber-mums but you can bet that?s not the whole story. They?ll be clapped out ford fiestas, they?ll be kids catching the bus, and they?ll probably be quite a lot of pretty ?normal? kids.

The only decision I have made is to apply. If she is offered a place then I will have to make a decision whether or not a let her go.

Assisted schemes via the government do not exist anymore the nearest independent school is St Georges, Weybridge - very, very, expensive and quite frankly I know several parents who have been utterly horrified about what it was like (their children ended up there when the girls and boys school merged) and there is no way I would send her there - there are far too many people with an awfully huge amount of money who go there - even the people I know who have scholarships still have nice homes/cars/holidays and are comfortable and at least their own bedroom each!

It is CH she's been for open days there are plenty more I can go to. This has certainly give me more food for thought and an idea of the facilities I want to see, the questions to ask etc No she hasn't seen the RS programme but going to the open day inspired to want to learn the drums rather than guitar (heaven help me!).

It does seem that there is a possibility that she will love it and I guess if she doesn't then I will make sure she knows she can leave at any time. I do know that if I lived 100 miles away and I would be even more reluctant to send her.

BTW if you read carefull I'm only anticipating having to find around £1,000 more per year than I would if she went to a local state school after having sat and looked thru the finances etc.

Only time will tell I guess .........

Going to boarding school feels a bit like I imagine it feels being put into care.

I had a good time at my boarding school, after the first term when I literally couldn't speak because I knew I'd cry. I was bullied because I was vulnerable. I felt like my heart was broken. I started to feel ok once I started to smoke, drink, shag, get suspended and bury my feelings.

I carried on with the burying throughout my late teens/twenties with plenty of drinking and drugs.

There was no moral compass because my parents had no awareness of my daily battles. I was so isolated from my parents that it became hard to go home for holidays.

It is only since ds was born and I stopped avoiding it all that I realise how much of an impact it has had on me.

I was bright and have a good job, am close to my parents, have a great relationship with DH and a beautiful son, but I really believe that I have underachieved professionally, and that I struggle with relationships, self esteem and confidence as a result of boarding.

frogs, i mean prep, not pre school

I went to BS and hated it but I can see why you are considering it. If I had to make the choice between a shitty school and an excellent bs for my children I really don't know what I'd do.

I must say though that I would move heaven and earth to get my kids into a good day school instead of either a crappy day school or a great bs.

BS disadvantages that may or may not not have been mentioned are the draconian rules, bitter, twisted and unhappy staff (all somehow refugees from a sad life themselves), bullying, lack of opportunity to socialise with the outside world etc, total mind-numbing boredom of being 'locked up' at weekends, elitism and snobbery.

Apart from that think about your relationship with dd. Boarding school made me independent - so bloody independent that I never told my parents anything about myself ever again. They didn't ever meet any of my boyfriends until I got married. They have met few of my friends even now. I did all my teenage rebellion and stupid dangerous stunts well away from home and have never lived near them except for holidays since I was 11 . This is all despite the fact that I have a great relationship with them and they are the sort of kind understanding people that many MNers wish they had as parents. I wish I'd had the chance to grow up and go through all that teenage stuff at home.

I don't want that to happen with my kids.

shimmy do you think weekly boarding would have made any difference?

i have to say again that not all bs are draconian rules, loneliness , drugs taking hell holes etc, mine was bright , spacious, the staff fun and caring , loads of activities and friends all the time plus loads of time/space and quiet to study hard if that is your thing . and that was 20 odd years ago, my DDs' school is all this and more, i wish i could go to her school!! my dd described her matron at school as " a cross between the best grandma in the world and mary poppins "

mummydoc where does your dc go, what a recommedation indeed?

dd1 who is 7 goes to a prep school in worcestershire ( foothills of the malvern hills) dd2 who is 2 1/2 will go aswell, dd1 boards 1 night a week at her own request, and it is very flexible , i write her name on a sheet a week ahead for the night she wants ot stay - if she doesn't want to go that week she doesn't, they run 2 nights a week as "fun nights" so the boarders get a dvd or trip out for pizza or in the summer they get treasure hunts/picnics /swimming etc. i really really want to go myself! If your dd is keen , and you are happy wiht hte school it could be a wonderful opportunity for her , not everyone has a bad time at BS. I owuld suggest your dd asks some of the present pupils, if she goes for a taster day, what they all do at the weekends . i bet there would be loads of stuff happening she would love... good luck.

No Buffy's mum -weekly boarding wouldn't have changed things much (although could have helped). We were allowed 1 full weekend each half term but on the other weeks we were allowed home on a Sunday most weeks so I did see my family most weekends. I spent most of my visits home in dread of returning and begging my parents not to take me back .

They thought they were doing the best for me because it was such a 'good' school and so much better than the local crappy comp

Astrophe, yes, I figured! I presume you mean G school?

I had a brief sojourn at WA years ago -- was desperate to leave home, and they offered full-fee schols at the time, so seemed like a good solution. How wrong I was.

Loads of the girls there came from G school, so I presumed that must be a hell-hole as well, only with younger inmates.

Two of mine boarded for a week while we went on holiday- DS was Y6 and DD Y10. They both cried when they came home and begged to be allowed to board permanently.

I lived with my parents until I was 20 but they knew nothing about my life at school, boyfriends etc because I chose not to tell them. And despite trying really hard with my DD she never confided in me either and moved out at 17 to live with her boyfriend's family.

I went to (state) school with couple of kids who had been expelled from CH, if I am thinking of the right place. They were not happy. One of them was lastingly and obviously screwed up by his experiences there. Also went to a party at the school with one of them. Drink and weed were aflowing. There was a very smarmy housemistress who didn't seem to like her spotty charges. They have a ridiculous uniform. It was honestly a complete anathema to me and I can't think why anyone would send their kid there. I hope it's changed a lot.

At my school the school nurse had previously worked at Eton and had some real horror stories to tell. She used to give me large slugs of neat whisky and handfuls of Kalms to help me sleep

I went to university with a little group of people from CH school (I presume we're talking about the one with the Harry Potteresque uniform). I shared a flat with one of them in my final year.

I'm sorry to report that they all seemed boringly normal, and had generally had a good time there.

shimmy I can't believe that you cried every week and they made you stay there it beggars belief!!!!!!

I have to say from what I've heard most schools are full of weed/drugs/drink I know for certain that the poshest one here is - apparantly there is a huge drug problem whereas at the local comp many of the parents are smackheads............

No not everyone has a hard time at boarding school. I went to boarding school from the age of 5. There was no other choice in my case as it was a school for the visually impaired and we didn?t live close enough for me to be able to be a day pupil so I was a weekly boarder. When I was 9 we moved to south Africa and I boarded there too and when I was 11 my parents moved away and I became a term boarder. I can honestly say that I enjoyed it there, the interesting things happened on weekends so if you weren?t there on weekends you missed out on a lot. I ran a music/variety club and my weekends were taken up organizing talent competitions, hanging out with friends, just doing general teenage type things. I was never bullied, it was a very strict school so absolutely no chance of getting into drugs/alcohol, and I certainly wasn?t depressed. But ?

The last time I spent my birthday at home must have been when I was 4. I don?t remember, but all other birthdays would have been at school. Too many kids to make birthdays special, yes it was acknowledge and they?d sing happy birthday etc but that was it then.

I don?t remember ever confiding in my mum about anything, because to be blunt, she wasn?t there. She was 1000 miles away, so if I needed someone to talk to I talked to my friends. Friends who, on the positive side, I am still in touch with even though I moved away from south Africa 13 years ago.

My parents never met my boyfriends. They knew very few of my friends, although some of my friends lived more locally than me so I often went to their houses on long weekends etc so I knew their parents well.

The boarding school experience was a positive one, it?s the long-term effects that I didn?t even really realize until after that would prevent me from ever sending my child.

That's good to know, frogs. My visit there is etched on my brain as a disasterous night! My first introduction to binge drinking and a mass of 14 year olds spewing rivers of vomit. I didn't even drink in those days so had to endure it sober and the kids there didn't half talk a load of shite, as stoned drunken teens are wont to do i suppose

Hi - I haven't read all of the posts but felt I had to put in my two penn'rth. I went to an all girls grammar school and have always thought of boarding schools as a form of torture. As an adult though I am now part of a boarding school and can see that some children/boys (13 and over) absolutely adore boarding - they beg their parents to let them stay when their parents have put them down as 'day boys'. I am part of a termly boarding community, but this 'term' is a little dated now as most of our pupils stay 'out' or go home every Sat pm and only return for chapel on Sunday evenings. It's not weekly boarding but it's almost 'as good as'. They see their parents (unless overseas) most weekends. I truly think it depends on the child - some truly hate it, some truly love it - most don't mind it and have times when they love the fun but want some time to themself. A difficult decision - what does your dd think?

I may be wrong, but I thought the codmeister herself went to CH, in which case that's the school she's describing here.

dd desperate to go to boarding school, and doesn't want to go to the local school as none of her friend will be going there.

for those who don't know put a few more letters round ch please