Boarding school - will I regret it?

[BuffysMum]

dd1 wants to go to boarding school (will cost us around £3k per year max), of course is is competitive entry so she may not get in.

BUT if she does I send her what are the down sides that I haven't thought of. BTW she is very academically able and the school she will attend other wise has been bottom/near bottom of the league tables for years despite huge amount of investment after it failed.

Some children enjoy boarding school.

Personally I'm dead against boarding, but I know several people who have sent their children as day pupils to well known schools (Uppingham & Stamford) and the children have begged to be allowed to board.

my secondary school had a boarding house and it was pretty horendous. lots of under age sex, drugs, drinking, etc etc. all the day kids thought it would be fantastic to be a boarder when we'd hear their tales.

I full boarded and was miserable, then weekly boarded and spent all day Sunday dreading going back. I'd read Enid Blyton, I wanted to go to the school but I was still miserable. Unless something happens to both DH and I our children will never board.

I know lots of people my age who boarded and loathed it, but it does seem much more fun for children these days.
I would never even consider it for mine, though.

I don't know if anyone saw a recent documentary on TV about boarding.

The ONLY positive thing that even the advocates of the system had to say was that it made them more independent; well, I'm dashed independent and always have been, it's a skill kids gain ANYWAY and at the right time developmentally. Kids gaining independence early through boarding are gaining it through emotional detachment rather than gaining true independence of spirit.

One guy said it all; he said kids boarding are "vulnerable and alone".

Don't kid yourself this is not what your dd would be.

Kids need PARENTING, it's why the human race has evolved the way it has!

Parenting on the odd weekend and holidays is not enough.

Vulnerable and alone.

i went to boarding school at secondary school. i'd read too much enid blyton and wanted to escape the horror of the local comp. for me, it MAY have been the right thing, as i'd not have fitted in at the local comp. maybe a local indep school might've been better, with hindsight.

it was a bit of a culture shock; i'll never forget my first stay at a friend's house in the hols. her mum was secretary to the archbishop of canterbury. i realised, for the first time in my life, that not everyone lived in a basement flat with their single mum and 3 brothers. means tested bursaries are a mixed blessing. xx

Have you asked her if she wants to go?

I went to boarding school and clearly did not have an experience anything like Greensleeves or Cod. My mum is quite difficult to live with and I honestly think if I hadn't been away alot I would have a far, far worse relationship with her now. I enjoyed school, had a brilliant best-friend there. In the sixth form we could go home every weekend and I did. I think I would not have done as well academically as I did if I had been at the local comp partly because of the smaller classes but mainly because of the things like 'prep' time where we all did homework together. There was bullying but no more than at day schools, I guess the difference is you can't escape it at the end of the day. I don't regret going to boarding school at all but here's the thing... I won't be sending my children, I'd miss them too much! If she's going to be a weekly boarder and you have a good, open relationship maybe try it, you can change your mind if she doesn't like it and you can make that clear to her at the outset so she doesn't feel trapped. It's heartbreaking to hear stories like Greensleeves, I couldn't bear for my children to go through that I just wanted to post to say that it's not all fire and brimstone, threadbare carpets, splinters in your bums (!) bullying and crying everynight under your duvet!

My mother was sent to board from 4, apparently she cried every night for a term then never again - both my stepfather and my natural father also baorded so we went to day school as they had all had horrendous times. however all my cousins boarded, and they all hated it. i honestly don't know anyone who has boarded and enjoyed it, or who has a normal relationship with thei parents. I really wouldn't do it - is there no option of bussing your daughter to a different day school then the one in special measures?

I wondered about the demographics of the school

and how your dd would like the everyone in need aspect

if you have 3k per year to spend freely on your children I think you could do a lott with that for all of them

I do feel for you Buffy, as you only want to do what is best for dd.

If it is C H school, is your DD keen as she has seen the RS programme on TV.? Have you both visited?

It must be very hard, as most people with experience are saying "no way".

Good luck.

Sending a child to boarding school at 4??? Fgs surely that is just the posh equivalent to putting your child into care probably just as damaging. Only difference being that your kid comes out speaking latin and knowing one end of a lacrosse stick from the other.

I boarded and absolutely loved it, I went thru choice , I had and still ahev a fantastic relationsgip wiht my parents , we are really close and I have always talked to them, I loved sundays at school - lazing around wiht friends, chatting , playing sport, etc etc, I guess alot like most day kids do anyway at home. my dd7 is just asking to baord 1 night aweek at her prep school and i am really excited for her. Only now does my mum say how it broke her heart every time she left me at school but she saw how much i benefited socially, academically and she felt that she had to sacrifice her own need for me to be close at hand to allow me to develope into my own person and also to go to the school i loved. I am sure most mothers make sacrifices so their kids ar ehappy and in Buffysmums case that is what she is doing , giving her daughter a fantastic opportunity to try - good for you !!

but obviously it di dnothing for my typing skills

I am sure that one of our children would do better at boarding school, the other two not so.

Also the family dynamic would be much improved

I really wouldn't do it (sorry I haven't read the rest of the thread).

I went fromt he age of 9 and was deeply unhappy. whenever drunk with my Mum it always start an argument.

Her defense is 'you wanted to go'. WTF did I know - I thoguht it was all Mallory towers and midnight feasts.

I went until 18 and always struggled to tell my parents how unhappy I was.

I also really resent that my brother and I wnet to different schools. We were essentially separated when I was 9 and will never be close.

I know its the done thing here in England
I know some kids enjoy it and get on fine
I know some schools are better than others...

BUT

Having done a GAP year in a posh boarding school in Bucks, and meeting lots of other Gappies from all over UK... I would never, ever, ever, EVER under any circumstances send my child to Boarding school. Not ever.

I've now scannd throught his and just to say I agree with everything Cod and Greensleaves say. The lonliness, the Sundays, the being taught to cope.. high rate of suicide attempts (FFS - one even succeeded at my school), the drugs, the alcohol...

It's pretty much a no no unless there are exceptional circumstances, imo.

Which posh boarding school in bucks, astrophe? Not WA by any chance?

no, but one of the pre schools that feeds it.

Buffysmum - if it is CH I can tell you all about it in the 70's!
I was full of Malory Towers etc but I really enjoyed it even though I was the only kid with an Irish accent and my family were in another country. I am not particularly screwed up (though others may disagree ) and my relationship with my Mum has always been great. I know it doesn't suit a lot of children but it did suit me.
I did have a very real option of leaving if I didn't like it which I think helped.

My DD is only 4 but I think I would seriously consider boarding if I was in your situation at secondary level.

HTH.