Homework, sigh...

[dingit]

2 weeks in and ds and I have had our first major bust up. I check his planner every day and ask him about homework.
Just found out this morning that he had a piece due in today. He's just spent 20 mins rushing it, which IMO is not good enough by year 9.
He knows that the consequences of this is we take his x box away, this time I told him it will be until the weekend, so that he learns that homework comes first.
At this point he lost the plot and called me an arse
I'm going to speak to dh tonight, but what do you do about behaviour like this? It's not the first time, I don't know how to get through to the little toad, his gcses are going to be disastrous if he carries on like this.

I'm planning to let the school deal with it - they fire out detentions for all sorts..better the child does it off their own back or suffers the consequences at school than have a constant battle at home - they don't argue with the teachers!

We've tried that. The school dish out detentions, but not as many as he deserves.

I don't read planners, I don't get involved.

I leave it to school to dole out detentions

DH occasionally fuses about HW, I don't, life's to short. In the great scheme of things most undone HW before Y10/11 is utterly irrelevant. It's in topics or whole subjects the child will never need again.

If Maths HW is done, you can only revise maths by doing it, I really don't care.

Too

Sadly, year 9 does count for ds, as he's started his GCSE options.

Hmm .. I did the 'leave it to the school approach' last year (Y9) thinking we'd be told if there was a problem

Well they did tell us he wasn't doing large chunks of homework but only in his end of year report which frankly wasn't terribly useful ....

So this year I've gone back to checking his planner and generally being more of a hw policeman (sigh) - thankfully ds isn't v obstreperous so will knuckle down if he knows he has to, but has v little self-discipline (what 14 year old boy does?) so will do as little as he can get away with

Take his x-box away for another week for calling you an arse!

Speaking as a teacher, I would love for a parent whose kid wasn't doing homework to confiscate their x-box. Detentions just don't really cut it as a sanction for a lot of kids, but it's all a teacher can do.

DS wasn't giving his homework enough attention. We banned minecraft during the week, and swapped his mac (with mine craft on) for the playroom mac (set up to use with the electric piano and all the other garage band stuff). So, he can still do his homework in his room if that's necessary (sometimes music lessons in the playroom) and he can't sneakily do mine craft instead (even when working downstairs, because we would see). We did implement a total minecraft ban for one week, but relaxed that afterwards to the weeknights only ban because it did seem a bit mean to ban it forever. This way, he knows when is mine craft time and when is homework or reading time. He was pissed off to begin with but saw the sense and knuckled down. He has also accepted the rule that at weekends, minecraft begins only after homework has been completed.

The only problem is that all the garageband stuff is now on 'his' mac which is pissing off the girls. But you can't win 'em all. And he does need/use it too, so it's not like it's been 'given' to someone with no stake in it.

13 seems very young to expect a lad to make all the right choices.

I certainly wouldn't leave him to it OP unless you were absolutely assured that the school would deal with it. As noble says, even when they do it's not necessarily effective.

For me, homework is too important. It's often the best way of consolidating skills that won't be covered again in lesson time.

I'd be tempted to apply sanctions until such time as a child starts to see the sense in doing it well for himself

Our school are shit hot on the homework detention and the parents signing the homework diary detention. I refuse to sign his diary...until I've seen the homework. Any system you go for will need monitoring and modifying. We fine our children for rude behaviour - money means more to ds than any screen time he has. It's finding what makes them tick and playing with that. But I think the more you can do to encourage self motivation the better for the dc in the long term.

Hi Dingit:

I've got two younger girls (DD1 Y7/ DD2 Y5) - so things probably are very different in our case - but I don't just leave it to the school (partly because parents are meant to sign off the planner each week & communicate with Head of Form - queries/ concerns/ etc...).

Personally I like homework - it's a time to review/ consolidate/ improve skills or understanding. As a parent I get to see what's being learned/ can also pick up on whether there's problems understanding/ doing the work & sometimes walk down memory lane a bit (as I was one of those kids that loved school).

Persuading a tween or, as in your case, a teenager that this homework is of value is tricky - there also is the whole deeply insidious peer view that doing your 'homework' & putting effort into school is 'not cool'.

Our approach has been 3 fold:

1. I check - the planner, what the work is, talk about it [all whilst getting them a snack/ dinner - the captive audience scheme]

2. I drift by now and then and look over their work/ help practice vocabulary (English spellings or MFL) with Y7 DD1. I don't correct things except pronunciation - but I do say things like you might want to look over question 10 again. You might want to introduce Mr. Grammar to your 3rd sentence. Lot's of rolling of eyes - but it's now become a sort of game - great celebrations if I can't spot a mistake.

3. No tv/ video games/ computer time/ 'me' time unless homework has been done (or if no homework some reading has happened). We also strictly enforce a no seeing the film/ dvd until you've read the book.

Finally - sometimes kids can't see the woods for the trees - and don't get that doing homework thoroughly/ putting effort in usually improves GCSE results and that leads to being able to pursue your interests at A-Level & possibly go on to the University course you want to do.

Sometimes they just see it as 'boring'/ 'same old stupid stuff'/ etc.... - sometimes that is true/ but sometimes it is being said because the work is getting harder. I fear, at our primary school at least, the kids never learned through struggling - it was always meant to be within their ability level. Challenging work that really pushed them was more or less frowned upon. The nett result unfortunately, is a group of kids that give up when it gets tricky. Battling that attitude as a parent is worth it - but you can feel you're rowing upstream.

HTH

With all due respect Past yours are little girls who if anything like me loved a bit of homework especially if it meant I could break out the coloured pen stickers and highlighters!

Teenaged boys can be very different animals and even the more dedicated and able of the species will do as little homework as they can get away with.

Your Y7 DD has been at high school for 5 mins. A bit too early for you to be dishing out step by step advice in my opinion. You might also find that your DD comes to resent your micro-management of her homework in future years. They do have to learn to be organised, independent and proactive. They will fall down along the way and we will pick them up, advise and support.

Oh and your checklist point 3) Have you read the book first for all films you've seen (if one exists, of course)???

I'm with Coolas OP. Ignore the tantrums - very difficult to do I know (sometimes I have to leave the house!) Oh and I'd add on a little extra sanction for being called an arse! He sounds like a pretty typical boy of his age though.

If I stuck my nose into DD2s school work, we would have an appalling relationship.

Likewise my dad and I would not have spoken for 7years if he's been so daft.

DD1 would simply be quietly devious, if she felt too much parental interference. She is an expert at making no fuss, but doing it her way.

She's actually got to Y12 without a single official detention (heaven alone knows how. She a good kid, not that good).

I think it's far far more important to encourage DCs to have a positive attitude to school, to education and to having a goal in life, than to get bogged down in the details.
DD1 is dyslexic and not in the top set. She utterly despaired of the attitude of some DCs in her GCSE classes. They didn't seem to want to do any work when stuck in school, let alone at home.

No amount of taking away Xboxes is going to change the attitude of these DCs on the C/D boarder line who just don't seem to care about their education at all. It's just liable to make them worse.

Same experience as soddinghormones. The PS3 has been put away until half term, end of discussion.

The school are all over DS, his tutor changed classes so he is also his form teacher this year and can keep a closer eye on him, he has had stern talkings to by several senior staff, he has a weekly appointment with Learning Enrichment to make him more organised. but they can only do so much it has to be supported at home.

The only thing that works ime with my Y9 son is Xbox removal.

Detentions don't touch the sides, but I appreciate that they're all teachers have got. Having said that, after a period of the light touch from me he now has to attend after school homework club once a week for an hour (a sanction placed by the school) and he seems to enjoy it.

13/14 yo boys move in mysterious ways

Past, I have a dd in year 11, who is a completely different animal. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't bother, as he will never do as well as his sister. Sometimes it's because he is bone idol lazy.
A lot of the time his homework is not written in his planner, so I have nothing to go by. ( I wish they had an online tracking system)
I only found out about the homework that prompted me to post, because his friends mum rang to found out what it was. I wasn't in at the time ( visiting my mum in hospital). According to dd he took the worksheet from his bag, read out the information, and put it back in his bag. The next morning dd told me about the call, and I asked him to show me his work. Why for the love of god didn't he do it, as surely talking to his friend on the phone must have realised it needed handing in!

We all sit at the table together for HW and that way no one can sit in their rooms pretending to do it (as I used to).

I also won't sign HW diary unless I have seen that it has all been completed (whereas my mother didn't even know I had one as I forged her signature on it for years).

So far we are OK but I have heard mutterings from ds so we may face a future rebellion.

Don't get involved!

He has to do the work. Actually he did the work, if it wasn't good enough that is for the teacher to decide. It may be his options BUT... you won't be there in the exams to say "you rushed that you still have 20 minutes why not write some more" or even before that you can't make someone revise.
All you are doing is building up resentment.

There are worse things than playing on the x-box - do you want your DS to be doing those?

because he's a teenage boy dingit.

One excellent piece of advice I picked up from some teenage book called something like " stay out of my life but give me a lift into town with Alex first" is that teenagers do want to do well, they do want to get good results and they do want to work hard - they just don't want to do it now. That's my DS.

I do hope all these people who don't involve themselves with homework aren't going to get a shock at GCSE time- only to very brightest can get good grades without some independent study- (and only the very brightest can do it if they pay attention in lessons.)

If they haven't had to do any independent study before, how are they going to suddenly start doing to in year 11?

If there is one thing I've learned on these threads is that different things work for different children, and that for some children nothing seems to work.

And some parents have different expectations as to results than others.

There is no absolute right or wrong, only what works for you and your child to get the 'best' you can out of them.

Elephant has a very hands off approach, which works for her and her kids.
Past has a keep-an-eye but don't interfere too much, approach, which works for her and her kids.
Other people need to be more hard-line in order to ensure their kids progress as well as they are able.

Nothing in education is irrevocable. You can find ways to re take later.
But it is a hell of a lot easier to pass your GCSEs first time round and give yourself choices as to what to do next, than to find yourself at 16 with limited options because you were too immature at 13/14 to get on with schoolwork by yourself, and your parents didn't make you do it.

Hak I have never involved myself in DD1's homework apart from occasionally printing stuff out for her, sometimes asking what she is doing (in the vain hope I'll get the answer 'tidying my room' and being told 'homework!) and once or twice forwarding her emails from the geography department about homework deadlines (they email me because...I don't know. I really don't know why they email me and not her). I did not get a shock at GCSE time.

Whereas, I frequently check that DS is doing his. Different kids, different approach.

True enough.

I have two year 11s and they are different animals.

DD never needs nagging but she wants endless audience participation. I feel like I am living through her GCSEs second by fecking second!

DS is the opposite. He goes to his room , does his work and I have no idea what's going on in there.

But he does occasionally need nagging to just crack on. I feel like the speaking clock some nights. DS it's six thirty. DS it's seven. DS it's seven fifteen And if you don't crack on now you will miss Champions League!