Tearing my hair out over State boarding

[Teddingtonmum1]

As I'm a single mum with a demanding job , I have decided to look into state boarding preferably weekly if I can get my ds a place . Christs hospital is my number 1 choice due to the bursary and it's a great school ( my brother is an old blue so slightly biased ) am also looking at RAAs in Reigate and Gordon's in Woking got open days at both saturday and next thursday out of the 2 would prefer Gordon's as a fall back if we cant get into CH , but have been advised that I can claim tax credits towards the 'childcare ' bill .

Have quizzed Gordon's as to chances of getting in I live in teddington so the right side of London but they said it obviously depends on siblings etc .( no really fair if you only have one can see why there's sibling priority in primary but not at secondary as kids get themselves to school but those are the rules ) am a little hopeful to read someone got in last year from east London ? any thoughts about gordons ??? im just about tearing my hair out as need a boarding place otherwise my sond going to be forced to become a latch key kid which I don't want HELP !!!!

what about study zone in twickenham for after school care

The more I read the more confused I get !! It's fingers crossed for CH , anyone else doing the London morning assessment On the 19th ?

Just to throw my experience into the mix. I do think it is possible you could get a specific issues order from the court. In RL I deal with these frequently and had one which was very similar to you except it was the Father (who was non-resident parent) making the application for DS to go to a boarding secondary school and Mother was opposing it. F was in the military and so received a considerable deduction on fees and was willing to pay the remainder himself so no cost to M.

The hearing took 3 days and the Judge decided to make the Order for the DS to go to the school. His reasons were 1. The significant difference in the quality of education the child would receive from each school, not just in terms of academically but also extra curricular. 2. There would always be the option for the boy to return to the state sector but there would not be the opportunity for him to take the place offered by the school again. 3. The boy WANTED TO GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL - it sounds obvious but this was the overwhelming fact the Judge relied on, they sent a CAFCASS Officer to speak to the child and he had written a letter to the Judge outlining the reasons why he wanted this opportunity and what he was looking forward to in attending his new school etc. the Judge said that a young man who felt strongly enough to write such a letter (given to the CAFCASS Officer not handed in by F) deserved the opportunity and then it was for him to make of it what he will. (He also made some comments about the terrible writing, grammar etc of the letter and how he hoped the new school would provided a better education that the state school had done thus far, but that is by the by).

So do not feel disheartened about making a specific issues application, I have had a number similar to yours and been successful, often for very different reasons but your strongest/weakest point will be your son, what he wants to do and why. At the age of 10/11 his views will be taken strongly into account. (also feel free to use the "he will resent his father for denying him this opportunity" argument if your DS does want to go as I find it to be particularly powerful to a Judges ears!)

Thanks Jammiemummy
Getting offered a place at CH would literally change my sons life , his dad has pre conceived ideas as to what it's like and despite being invited refused to even visit the school or in fact any schools or open days or actually parents evenings as well so i'm pretty resentful that he somehow thinks he gets a say , so I'm hoping his going to bring his stubborn attitude to court as I can't see how he can be against something that he has never seen. His whole argument is he won't see his son which is rubbish as I've spoken to the school and they have said they will try and work something if a place was to be offered as he has him every fortnight for the weekend and horsham is hardly the middle of scotland But as usual it's all about him not about what a great opportunity it will be . I'm just hoping the judge will know if the school and tell him to get a grip !! When we went to mediation the mediator knew of the school and tried to point out the positives but he wouldn't have it. it's not like his even offering the split the bill. I filed last week so the sh*#t is going to hit the fan midweek when the court date plops on the mat.

Such are the differing attitudes of judges to things like this that it really does depend on the individual judge on the day. It might be worth trying to find out if there have been similar cases to yours. In my area the judges are known to always fall heavily in favour of fathers.
Think I read in the most recent CH info that they are allowing boarders home on a Saturday evening if there is a defined reason to do so but they do have school and matches on a Saturday until late afternoon. What does your ds want to do? Mine was very keen on CH until we looked at the daily timetable.
Also when will you know if he has a place? Seem to remember the residential assessment comes later than the exams which could effect the date of the specific issue hearing.
Good luck with it.

Hi Labro
The initial assessment is in 2 weeks so I doubt if we will get a court date before then but then the residential is the 2/3rd January . I put his father on the form as estranged so I don't know if the school write to him for his side so to speak but I'm guessing if an offer is made they will want something then I'm just getting my ducks in a row I've stated that consent is being unreasonable and maliciously withheld , hopefully we might get the same judge who dealt with the contact order as we are going to the same court , but yes CH have said its a possibility he could be let out on a Saturday afternoon but I would have to request the original order is varied but it was made when he was 6 so to be fair the older kids get the less time they want to spend with their parents , his missing his contact next week because of scout camp so it's already happening. The biggest worry is after all this is how much the fees are going be but we live in the old borough of thickenham so hoping we might be considered for the west gift.so really do not need daddy not playing ball.

Is your son happy to board? Is boarding really the only option? I know you say the schools around you are not good but surely there are private day schools (in your area there must be lots!) where you could equally apply for a bursary?

You say you have an issue with him being home alone but thousands of school children travel to secondary school very safely every day in London. If you have managed with after-school club in primary that suggests that, regardless of your job location changes, you manage to get back by 6 ish. Honestly, if school finishes at 3.30, even if he comes straight home he will be alone for max of two hours. Once after-school clubs start he won't even be coming straight home every day. Do you not think you can trust your son to come home, get on with homework or just veg in front of tv? If not, there are childminders who will look after secondary age children or as others have suggested, this is the perfect job for a college-age student or part-time TA or nursery nurse. Going straight to boarding for seemingly no other reason that childcare (and remember than is a very short-term thing - very few 15 year olds needs childcare!) just seems drastic.

Always worth looking at other alternatives, CH is very competitive academically (kids are often level 6 who do the exams) so do look around.

I'm with Unexpected here. Boarding school is overkill - why haven't you responded to any suggestions here for alternatives? What is your real motivation?

Unexpected the local state school her son would get a place at is OFSTED outstanding and very heavily over subscribed, it really isn't "not good". Many local parents would be very grateful for a chance of a place there. There are also two other good local state options that she would in all probability get a place at, a parent led new Free School which has a lot of support from local parents and a new Catholic School. I respect OPs reasons for wanting her son to go to CH but she is being misleading in claiming she doesn't have the choice of a very good local state school, every bit as good as Gordon's the state boarding school she has applied to. I would hope any judge would not dismiss the local school as not giving the chance of a good education because, in terms of a state school education Teddington is really as good as it gets.

If state boarding is being used so that people who are a bit anxious about their secondary-age children being home between 4.30 and six, then the costs to the state of providing it can't be justified and the places should be either made available to people who need them or the money should be fed back into the mainstream system. There are millions of children who go to school in the morning, return in the late afternoon but whose working parents don't get home until six. What makes the OP so special? This isn't an account of someone living up a six mile dirt track in the Highlands and Islands, this is an account of someone in Teddington FFS.

Think maybe posters are being a bit harsh on op. If she works in London or down M4 corridor for example, the commute alone may mean she wouldn't get home until 7pm or later. She may have a requirement to travel for work, early morning/evening conference calls, entertaining etc all of which may not fit into a 9-5 day. Sometimes it is hard to imagine how your 10yo would be able to cope with being alone for longer periods and more independent within a year or two.

LIZS but facing those problems of being a working mother in London are so common as to be normal. A lot of my DDs friends were in exactly in that position, with mothers who work for City Law firms and Acoountants, who were rarely home before 8. None I might add have in any way suffered as a result. I am sure OP must have encountered many in the course of her work. I think she attracts harsh criticism because she isn't honest about wanting a private boarding school education for her son. Nothing wrong with that but wrapping it up in some spurious claim of neediness and disingenuous claim to have no good local state school option doesn't do her any favours.

Friday I think (but I don't know) that parents cover the cost of the boarding element, unless they're looked after. Pupils from military/FCO families will have funding from their own employers' allowance schemes to cover it.

LIZS - at primary after school club was enough, according to OP.

With CH the bursary is means tested so you can find yourself still funding a large chunk. Their endowment which funds all the bursaries is not as healthy these days and I do know of people who have had to withdraw later on due to rising fees and reducing bursary.
The fact is that a) your ds has to be offered a place first b) the specific issues order has to be granted and c) CH will need to give the level of bursary you need.
Given that your brother went to CH its not unsurprising that it was on your radar for your ds but given how competitive it is and the other variables it would be worth looking carefully at the local options (as I've said also, CH were adamant to me that the admissions forms definitely had to have 2 parents signatures due to the parental responsibility rules)

In addition the fees for boarding at Gordon's are £15000 a year which is more than the £1000 a month OP said she could not afford even if she could convince Gordon's that she should get a boarding place because of need (the definition of which gives heavy weighting to those working overseas and in the military / public sector)

I don't actually think that people are being overly harsh with the OP but are trying to understand why she is so intent on boarding school, particularly as she has made no mention of her son's wishes and that he is going to be caught in the middle of the opposing desires of his parents. Given that at primary school, after school club (which is a great form of care but with very rigid hours) was sufficient, I think people are struggling to understand why, now that her child is getting older and more independent, so much care is still needed and why other options are not suitable. It seems like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

I agree with Unexpected. What also concerns me is that her DS's father is so opposed to boarding. If it was the other way round and a DC primarily lived with the father, who was obsessed with finding a boarding school and the mother was against boarding, we would all be outraged that the mother's wishes could be ignored.
I live in the area, Teddington is a fantastic school, friends, including working parents, are proud send their DCs there. For anyone not local, not only is it an outstanding school, it had a £35m rebuild a few years ago, its on the River Thames, lovely sports facilities, next door to a Leisure Centre for anything extra, and is in middle class suburbia full of girls called Poppy, and boys called Jack, Felix etc. Most people can only dream about a state comp like this on their doorstep.

Not to mention excellent and improving GCSE results and top sets that do better than some of the grammars

Not to mention excellent and improving GCSE results and top sets that do better than some of the grammars

The the OP's pfb might be on their own for an hour! Won't anyone think of the children?

OP why have you put the father down as "estranged" on the forms? He clearly isn't he has regular overnight contact with his son, you said yourself he pays you maintenance through the CSA and has his son 2 weekends every month as well as half of all holidays.

I don't think this is about your son and afterschool care, I think it is about your ex.

OP, can I point out that you have criticised your ex for only seeing his son for 2 weekends a month, when this is the maximum amount if time that you will spend with him if he goes to boarding school?

*of

Thanks for the comments , i really dont have time to waste getting back at my ex , i think christs hospital is a great school and it gives my ds a chance to mix with real people not just the poppys and felix's of this world, teddington is NOT ofsted outstanding whilst it is a great building i went to the open day and it was total chaos, everyone is entitled to their opinion but i wasnt impressed it seemed totally disorganised. Orleans park is ofsted outstanding which i would be quite happy for him to go to but we dont stand a chance as we are 1.5 miles away ive been told dont even bother , my ex is renting and i made an offer in mediation for him to move to twickenham for 18 months/2 years until i was happy that my ds would be ok and we could share the childcare between us AND i even offered for forgo child support in order that he could afford the increased rent so i have tried. i am not happy for my son to come home to an empty house every day at 11 IMO it's too young , everyone is entitled to their opinion but thats mine.

it seems harsh that i'm getting slatted for wanting to send my son to CH yet his father had the opportunity to keep him at home so to speak but choose not to because it put him out as he lives the other side of london and didnt fancy moving.i'm dammed if i do and dammed if i dont , . re private day schools he wouldnt stand a chance with the competition. he only stands a chance at CH because they dont cream off the top and they look for the all rounder my son isn't stupid by far his in top maths and french but the english his just about keeping up to the expected level so the day schools wouldnt give him a second look.plus i'm an ex skinners company pupil ( a long long time ago ) so we are hoping to get a presentation which shunts you up the list some i'm told.

if my sons gets a place at CH i will look to move so i can visist most weekends , i cant move in teddington because i cant afford it as i'm in a shared ownership so unless another shared ownership comes up nearer to twickenham its a no go i can move near to CH and buy outright as the properties are cheaper.

phew ....... ok any more suggestions please keep it coming, anyone who knows anymore about gordons please get in contact, i'm just like everyone else trying to secure the best i can everyones best is different but sometimes i think ive been spolit because my son was so lucky to get into an teddington outstanding primary and now i'm feeling a bit let down maybe i'm expecting too much or being over protective just loosing the will to live !!!