Tearing my hair out over State boarding

[Teddingtonmum1]

As I'm a single mum with a demanding job , I have decided to look into state boarding preferably weekly if I can get my ds a place . Christs hospital is my number 1 choice due to the bursary and it's a great school ( my brother is an old blue so slightly biased ) am also looking at RAAs in Reigate and Gordon's in Woking got open days at both saturday and next thursday out of the 2 would prefer Gordon's as a fall back if we cant get into CH , but have been advised that I can claim tax credits towards the 'childcare ' bill .

Have quizzed Gordon's as to chances of getting in I live in teddington so the right side of London but they said it obviously depends on siblings etc .( no really fair if you only have one can see why there's sibling priority in primary but not at secondary as kids get themselves to school but those are the rules ) am a little hopeful to read someone got in last year from east London ? any thoughts about gordons ??? im just about tearing my hair out as need a boarding place otherwise my sond going to be forced to become a latch key kid which I don't want HELP !!!!

Labro

Go to court , get a specific issue order you don't need a lawyer it's form c100 and it £215 to file .

I do everything for my son his dad waltzes in 4 days a month and does sod all yet he thinks he has the right to have an opinion has attended no open days but sends threatening emails that how dare I send his son to a boarding school but is not willing to help with day to day child care . This is one cake he is not to get to eat . Just filed last week so awaiting a court date and the fireworks that will ensue but it's my sons education so by any means necessary .

With the specific issues order, the judge is unlikely to rule that your ds should be allowed to go to a boarding school as their view is that there are plenty of day schools with wrap around care available, or as random has said an au pair arrangement, particularly if your ex is against boarding but can present viable alternatives. (Been there done that and got the t shirt with an ex trying to completely control ds education on the basis private schools are 'posh' and he has no intention of providing any details at all for the financial forms)

Our mortgage payments were 15% of gross income, but they only deducted 12.5%, so no allowance made for the extra 2.5% we had to pay. Like I said that was the old way - don't know how it is done.

The reasons for wanting both signatures is due to avoiding financial fraud and also for pastoral care - ie they want to know the truth of the hostility between parents etc. Certainly there are dc there who have been subject to domestic abuse, moved via WA so there is provision somehow in the system about non-signature of other parent. Perhaps it is worth speaking to them about that?

For shared ownership they would allow all/some of both your mortgage and rent payments. As for only having a 2 bed, although not ideal you could sleep in the lounge and keep your stuff in with ds' stuff in the largest bedroom? Realistically for how much longer would you need him to have an au pair? Certainly my next child is capable of being home alone in the evenings for a few hours at 11.

I you have no room for an au pair could you maybe not employ someone to do after school care/tidy up/cook dinner/supervise homework in the evenings for a few hours?

Great thinking Portofino, must be loads of people who would consider doing this 2-3 days per week, you could have 2 people so they could for each others holidays etc. Less than 2 hours per day you don't need to use registered childcare plus presumably he'd spend some time commuting to and from school. Younger dd goes to homework club at school most days to use their computers and printers etc.

Well thinking outside of the box there are many - maybe even some with a school age child of their own - who are desperate for hours. Share the love in your local community ifyswim?

I wouldnt even call it child care for a 12 yo. PT housekeeper. If you are in London this might be good for a student for example. Or 2 as Random says, so you have back up.

Or a local 6th former or 2.

Hi Labro

This my issue in teddington there is 1 choice of secondary school , I had a conversation with Richmond admissions asking why have I got 4 'choices' when basically there's only realistically only one option it's a total farce .
Teddington has no wrap around care , yes he can sign up to after school clubs but he doesn't have to turn up like primary school if he doesn't turn up no one would even let me know. so he could be out with whom or doing what for 3/4 hours every day unsupervised this is not acceptable I can't believe that any judge would support this. I can't give up my job, and as I'm a consultant my work place changes every 3/6 months so hence boarding would be the best option. Daddy was offered to move closer to share the day to day childcare between us but funnily enough he wasn't keen. As the title says I am tearing my hair out know what to do I know there are some kids who already go home to an empty house and I personally don't agree especially when he is a only child so there's no siblings to have some company etc.

Part time nanny/housekeeper is an option though, don't discount it altogether. With Boarding school they do have much much longer school holidays what will you do about those?

RM
The hostility is that bad he has refused to speak to me for 3 years now, his choice not mine we communicate via txt and email and that's only because at the last hearing in 2010 the judge told him that if he refused to communicate she would not make a contact order. But at least I have a r scored of everything that's been said.

What a complete arse, at all times be thankful he's your Ex

RM

As I'm s/e I was hoping that I would take the holidays off or my half anyway as his dad has him half the time but I would be able to work longer during the weeks his at school so actually I would probably have more time.

don't you have to have a house for a house keeper lol just joking , I had a child minder previously and I had so many probs as half the time they were sick or taking time off so I was left in the lurch a few times so same with au pairs etc relying on one person is risky when you don't have back up.

Perhaps you could foster him out to me, not got a son...

Shame the local school still isn't that great but at least it's improved enough that my younger dc are/will go there.

State boarding schools prioritise their applications by need for boarding. forces and other Government internationally mobile staff come first, then others according to need - SS referrals, other highly mobile families.

Difficulty in after school arrangements isn't going to out you very high up the list (still worth a shot, though). Bursary for flex-boarding in the private sector may widen your options, and your reasons for boarding simply won't come in to it nor will they be compared to other applicants.

RM
Yup I do pick em but the only good thing is he does have him every other weekend and half the holidays plus the Csa ensure he pays his child support I have friends who literally get nada so I think I'm fortunate I could get less. Silver lining and all that !!

Hi Medtrina

Apparently I read that a Gordon's parent reported that they had some empty beds this term so gotta give it a go and hope for the best.
I think I'm a bit to old to join the military otherwise trust me I'd consider it!!.

I have applied and put in my statement all I can do is keep my fingers crossed but CH is the first choice . Does anyone know does gordons ask for both parents signatures ??? It hasn't bee asked for but I just want to be prepared.

I do understand (haven't had a conversation with mine for over 10 yrs!) Just that specific issue order can backfire and go totally in his favour so do gather information that you've looked at other alternatives. For a specific issue order your situation would have possibly too many variables of what can be done instead so you are then faced with the 'no order' principle and as your ex has a contact order the judge will be paying a lot of attention to your exes parental rights. As your ds hasn't been to boarding school before then it is viewed that there is no obvious 'need' to do so now as the amount of care you need to provide gets less as they get older. A judge looking at this issue also won't care that your local options are rubbish, but may suggest his fathers address be used for the purpose of identifying schools.
I do really understand your situation and how difficult it can be, just be prepared for a judge not seeing this issue from your side particularly as it seems that your ex has contact 4 times a month plus school holidays which is roughly standard for nrp so he wouldn't legally be classed as not being involved.

Hi Labro
I hear you the ex did offer to have him but he lives other the other side of London in a 1 bed flat so no room and his idea on childcare was to pick him up and keep him at his workplace which I said was not satisfactory as the boss is definately not going to put up with that on a daily basis plus he would have had to leave his current primary to be resident in time to get his form in and the LA confirmed all the half decent primary schools were full so god knows where he would of gone. In mediation my ex agreed to move close so we could co parent and share it but after the idea sunk in he changed his mind and left me in the lurch so he has been given a chance.

You say there is only one choice of school in Teddington? What about the new free school opening up. Also Richard Reynolds in Twickenham and Twickenham Ac can't be that far away. Secondary kids travel much further than primary.

Teddingtonmum
I know lots of DC who have gone to Teddington, it is an outstanding comprehensive entirely on a par with Gordons. It is a shame it doesn't have wraparound care for you but that is probably because there wouldn't be the demand. However it does have strong pastoral care and it is rubbish to say they would not be hot in taking action if your son was absent. At Secondary school your DCs really do become independent. Costing what it does to live around here many DCs have single or two working parents. Our neighbours son who goes there has lovely friends and they don't tend to turn up home until 5 or 6 between after school clubs and / or having a kick about in the park. Then they tend to come home with each other. My own DDs were at one of the local selective indies (a chance of a place at Teddington would have been very much appreciated in this house) and a lot went home to an empty house from age 11, often with two parents working in the city etc and not back until 8. With after school clubs, homework and having tea with friends it really did not affect them, if anything made them more self reliant.

St RR definitely don't have an after school club but Turing House is still in planning stages and may well be receptive to parents requests for one. It is a very exciting offering they have developed and well worth considering, it may in the end have a site that is accessible from Teddington.

I wish you well with your Boarding Applications but I think you will struggle to argue priority given so many other parents are in the same situation, and the alternatives really are not as bleak as you paint. Over a 1000 parents made Teddington their first preference last year!!

Turing website, they have an Open Evening on 10 October www.turinghouseschool.org.uk/

I would add that with my own DDs once they hit puberty I might as well have not been home for them at 4.30, if they were not at friends or after school activities, I am lucky I get a grunt and after that extracting them from their room and social networks and episodes of American crap that "everyone" watches, with homework fitted in around that, was next to impossible. The days they bought friends home were the only ones where they spontaneously interacted with me as a human being . Having me there chivvying them to do their homework and rationing the American crap was an annoyance. If they have a problem at school they will almost always want time out to stew on it before discussing it with me anyway, those sorts of conversations tend to happen after some chill out time and dinner.

Don't secondary schools actually check if pupils don't turn up to after school activities at school?

bisjo , probably not .If a child no-showed several times and was perhaps holding a place for which another child was waiting or was mandated to do (ie. a music scholar to take part in an ensemble) then maybe.