How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

Yes! Just own it!

Yeah I guess it's work in the same way that taking out the bins is work, or mowing the lawn. I do that shit too but don't describe myself as an unpaid labourer.

Just say "I don't work, I'm home with the kids" and move on. Don't overthink it

But everyone has to do that, employed or not

If you're starting from the assumption that SAH is inherently better than WOH, and that WOHMs will probably envy you, then that is inevitably going to make things awkward.

Most people genuinely couldn't care less whether you choose to SAH with your kids - it's for you and your partner to determine what's best for your family, and as long as you're able to fund your choices as a family, it makes no difference to the rest of us at all. But most people will react negatively to those who assume that their own choices are somehow better than other people's choices. That's just human nature.

My dd is an adult now, but it never even occurred to me to feel envious of SAHMs when she was younger because I wouldn't ever have wanted to be one. I didn't assume that SAHPs were envious of my career either. I just assumed that they had made whatever lifestyle choices happened to work best for them and their families at the time. As had I.

If you are unintentionally giving off vibes that you think being a SAHP is somehow the optimal choice that everyone would choose if only they were lucky enough to be able to do so, then others will inevitably find that stupid/annoying and there will be a bit of awkwardness. If you just accept and respect the fact that people choose to organise their lives differently, and that one way isn't inherently any better than other ways, then it won't be an issue.

Genuinely, very few people would envy you. I think that’s a deeply weird delusion. Being a SAHP suits very few people.

There IS judgement around being a SAHM, though. On a thread I was looking at just yesterday there were some really barbed comments to a poster asking if she should continue being a SAHM or return to work.

The judgement can also go the other way - see the comment about "only seeing your children to tuck them in at night". (Admittedly, having worked as a nanny, I do know quite a few parents in that position but it's definitely not all of them)

I do say "I'm lucky enough" because I AM fortunate to be in this position. I have always wanted to be a SAHM. I loved being a nanny so it would have felt uncomfortable to me to put my child into childcare in order to look after someone else's or to have spent 10yrs caring for children and then not be able to provide my own child with the same degree of time and attention. It's not a value judgement on working parents. It's acknowledging that I am very lucky that everything has panned out exactly as I hoped.

I wonder if it’s self soothing. I find it a little awkward that people think that,

I chose to work and have a career, my husband earned enough at the time I could have quit. But parenthood is a long long road, it’s for life, hopefully, and for me, my career was important and provided a strong role model to my daughter.

There is no way I’d have quit to do childcare and household chores. For me, my husband and I split it 50 50, and when we had our daughter he out earned me, and was a high earner, I now outearn him as my career progressed, he is still a high earner, and the opportunities we have given her, from her education to global travel, to our lifestyle, have been due to my working.

not everyone has a career, some just have jobs, and see it as a drudge, but not many women prefer to stay home now. Financial independence is hugely important. Modelling equal parenting responsibilities, being financially independent, not having gender stereotypes of dad working and mum doing the cleaning and dinner, is for me key. But I respect any woman who thinks differently, but to assume I’m jealous and I also want to do that, is very off the mark, very, and it will be for many women.

Well, good for you, but it’s still a weird thing to say.

When someone has always dreamed of being and studied/trained for a long time to do something, they don’t say, when asked what they do for a living, ‘I’m lucky enough to be a lawyer/ jockey/ ballet dancer/chemistry teacher’.

Part of this is that we do tend to identify very strongly with our jobs, for a lot of people they are a huge part of their identity. So when they stop doing that for whatever reason, it hits hard.

The only people I had any direct criticism from when I wasn’t in paid work were women who identified very strongly with their former jobs and really struggled with what they saw as lack of status being ‘just’ a mum.

But I am not my job. I don’t stop being me just because I stop doing it. I’m still a useful, moral, worthwhile person - even if I’m not pulling in a salary.

Very true Some peoples real opinion can sneak out. When my son started school my sister in law suddenly said unprompted “ oh what a big day for him, must be so emotional for you all, but on the bright side no excuse not to go back to work now”. Thankfully my Dh jumped in and said “I wasn’t aware an excuse was needed”

I currently only know one SAHM. I think she used to say 'i look after the boys full time' when they were young. Once they started school she just said 'i don't work/I don't have a job'). Now a few years on she says 'i home-school the boys' . (They had to leave mainstream education due to illness). But really it's no one's business.

But I agree it's best to avoid 'lucky'. It could be seen to imply a superiority which might not set you off on the best foot with people.

People usually just ask these things as small talk anyway - I don't know what many of the mums at my kids school do, I just know they work from their clothes or comments they've made.

I always said I don’t work outside of the home I look after my children no one said anything and I couldn’t have cared less what they thought

A lot of people act like it's a choice between being a SAHM and in a fulfilling job. The reality is a lot of work is crap, low pay, poor conditions, not much opportunity for progression etc. I didn't miss my old job at all and I wouldn't have enjoyed the juggle. A lot of single working parents have to claim top up benefits anyway, work doesn't always mean financial independence.

Do what you want OP, you don't owe someone who made a different choice an apology.

I think that’s fair. But it also means you shouldn’t say you’re lucky

if you’re talking to a woman in a crap unfullfilling role, in low paid and poor conditions, then saying I’m lucky is fairly shit behaviour.

if you’re talking to a woman with a good career, it looks slightly ridiculous.

however many women if they are in low paid careers can’t afford child care, even with the free hours, so they are forced to stay home.

I think lucky like a lot things is fine when talking about yourself but it's not always appropriate to use to describe someone else. I felt lucky that I was able to leave my old job, which honestly could have been it's own thread.

I think if you feel other women are jealous of you not having a job you should interrogate yourself a little about whether you also think all men with jobs (you know, career boys) are also jealous. Is your husband jealous?

If you do then you just can't imagine someone enjoying work which is fair enough (although incorrect in my opinion). If you only think women can't enjoy work then that's quite a sexist pov.

I think you're creating that awkwardness in your head! Being a SAHM is way harder than a working mum in my opinion... I do hope for your own security that you are married though, and that really isn't judgement - it's based on the amount of posts on here from mums whose relationships have ended unmarried and they didn't seem to know how there is no financial security for splitting up when unmarried.

It's lovely that those of you who are a sahm through choice are able to do so

But many of us are working parents through choice. I love my kids but I also love my job. I feel so utterly lucky that I was able to work part time and flexibly around the children and keep doing a career I love.

I wouldn't be feeling envy at a SAHM because it was never something I wanted to be.

Each to their own.

Yeah exactly. We don't see many men opting to be stay at home parents as it's a low status choice. Thinking other women envy you is cope. Unless (as a PP pointed out) you're talking to a woman in a low wage, unfulfilling job -she might envy you in which case calling yourself lucky to her is smug. Either way just avoid saying you're lucky if you don't want to alienate people and cause awkwardness.

I think stay at home mum is widely understood when you have kids at home. I think once they are at school, especially when they are older and less dependent I don’t think you can justify that term. I’d probably go with not working, or unemployed. And yes agree drop the lucky. You might feel it but the person you are speaking is unlikely to agree so you’re starting off on an awkward footing.

I just said I was at home with the kids for now.

You're lucky to have the choice to be a SAHM, not lucky to be one. That implies it is the preference of all mothers.

Just say you're at home with the kids for now.

I say I’m not working at the moment.

No need for any “lucky” qualifiers- people
with a job wouldn’t say “I’m lucky enough to be a <job>”.

The lucky people are not SAHM or working mums, the lucky people are those who have had a genuine choice to do either and have chosen based on what they prefer. Many women don’t have a real choice.

The lucky people are not SAHM or working mums, the lucky people are those who have had a genuine choice to do either and have chosen based on what they prefer. Many women don’t have a real choice.

Well said @minipie. You're absolutely right.