How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

It might be a bubble but it’s a pretty big one!

all my friends & colleagues do exactly as you describe. Using a mix of WFH, catching up in an evening etc means we do all the SAHM stuff AND maintain a decent career (perhaps not full time, many seem to be 0.8fte spread over the week).

By fixing a couple of office days as alternatives to husbands’, can avoid using after school club. Or maybe just 1-2 days/week to reduce the pressure. And we all have cleaners tbf. But the school communications and everything listed is all done by working parents just as by non-working parents.

Plus, as the chair of the PTA I can tell you that the working mums are by far the most efficient when it comes to getting shit done. No SAHMs on our committees.

That makes no sense, how can she be wrong about her own home life?

we also were able to manage it, I think it’s quite normal.

I think that’s the point, though. If you have a cleaner, you aren’t doing all the same things as a full-time SAHM; you are managing the home, but someone else is doing the manual labour.

Also, saying part-time working mums with cleaners are more efficient is a bit of a stretch. The truly efficient people are the SAHMs doing 100% of the housework with toddlers underfoot, and the working parents who don't have cleaners and still manage to get it all done.

It’s great that your bubble has the flexibility and the budget for outsourcing housework to make it work, but that is a far cry from many families who both work AND do all the cleaning themselves!

Okay?

You seem only to be here to pick a fight. Do you want to actually contribute or are you just going to sneer at people?

We did it. We planned how we would do it before I got pregnant. DD was never in any form of paid care, we had no family near. We started a company and worked around DD. You assume every child wakes early: ours didn’t so no sleep deprivation. She had the full time attention of one of us whenever she was awake until she started full time school aged 3.5. We did every school run, saw every school play, attended every parent’s evening.

No, not everyone can do it. But everyone can do something to make sure both parents are actively engaged parents and there is no default “the one with the vagina gives it all up”.

Yuck - incredibly smug. Are mums who choose to go to work unlucky?

See, I think the "for now" is just as bad. It makes it sound like a SAHM parent needs to justify staying at home by at least pretending it's temporary. I loved working but I'm not in a hurry to get back to it. Staying at home isn't a "for now" setup for me. It's indefinite. It's "for as long as it is possible and the best thing for our family".

No working parent says "well, I'm working 4 days a week for now" unless they had actual plans to change their working pattern.

Full time mum. Anyone who challenges this is an idiot.

I can imagine if I was a sahm I would say this but probably add because DH works away. To feel the need to explain shouldn't be required but I guess it's to avoid the possibility of judgement.

As with anything it comes down to stereotypes; DP earns a lot so Mum can live a life of luxury; DP doesn't earn much so rely on benefits to top up with several kids.

In reality it's just a case of personal decisions and no one else's business. When anyone tells me they're a sahp I just think great, must be hard work with toddlers and babies, even when school age I don't really think about it, each family has their own reasons.

I did encounter one strange experience many years ago. A group of us teacher colleagues went to have pre drinks at a friend of theirs house. Huge, gorgeous home in an expensive area, walking distance to local pub. I didn't know her and just casually asked what do you do? She replied I have kids which keep you in a job. Yes, just that! I was taken aback, think I said something like oh well we definitely need kids to be able to teach.

Maybe she was annoyed people ask, was in a bad mood or just a rude person, I don't know. I was quite young, as was she, it really was a getting to know you question.

Since then I'm cautious about asking so wait until it's obvious to chat about work stuff.

that’s offensive, suggests working mums are only part time mums!!

I am definitely not envious of SAHPs! And I also don't like the description full-time mum. All mothers are full-time mothers, we don't stop being mothers when we go out to work.
Most parents who work manage to run the household and care for their children as well, it's not either one or the other. SAHPs who try to make out their role is similar to a job are kidding themselves IMO. I work, I still do the school run, prepare packed lunches, make sure my DH and children have clean clothes and a warm meal in the evening. My DH manages to do the same.

Just say you're not working, and try to keep the smugness to yourself.

A thoughtful and nuanced contribution to the debate. Well done.

And that working dads are only part time dads

Surely if someone asks what you do for work, and you don’t work, the answer is “I don’t work” or “I’m unemployed”?

Otw like someone asking “what’s your favourite book” and replying “I like playing tennis”?

How old are you?!

It did not bother me the slightest....told them I wanted to be a pastry chef and that I can never find such a job

If you're not there all day you are part time! In any other job this would be true.

So are dads part time dads?

And what about all the Sahms I know that leave their toddler at preschool/the gym crèche /with granny /with dad (at a weekend/for a night out). Does that make them part time?

Some of them spent less time with their toddlers than I did with mine !

lol this is clearly rage bait as no mum, or dad, is there all day every day once the kids go to school

Don't be ridiculous. Going out out in the evening and leaving a child with a babysitter doesn't make parents part time! 😆 None of this is a judgement. My kids are long grown up , and believe me, Ive seen it all. All I was saying is that you're there all day or you're not. It's full time or part time. In you're working life, if a colleague is there for a couple of hours a day while the office is open, would you consider them to be full time?

Thank you everyone for contributing it’s so interesting reading your ideas and hearing about your experiences. I think the best thing to say is simply I’m a stay at home mum. Avoid any kind of justification and leave it at that. Not homemaker, full time mum or lucky enough to be comments.

Many are. It's called being a housewife.

Does the title change from stay home mum to housewife when the kids are in school? Haha

A facilitator! 😄

You’re a full time parent for life