How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

Don't overthink it. Just say the truth, I'm at home with the children for now.

Please don't pretend that being a SAHM is actually a job, as that really is cringe and try not to judge parents who work. Women and men who work for a salary do all the same things as SAHMs as well as have a paid job, they just do it outside of working hours or in between if the are WFH.

There is no shame in not working for a salary, own your choice. I have taken career breaks while the dc were little, worked part-time and full time. Dh works so much and does lots of the cooking and cleaning, he is in a senior role and also a home maker 😁as am I (he more as somewhere along the way I have lost the passion for cooking). You have nothing to be embarrassed about whatsoever.

Totally agree with this.
If we have a choice, we are lucky.

And even those who don't have a choice may be lucky in other ways or later grateful for the route life took them down

i think you need a slightly different story here. Never intending to work is very different from taking a few years out. Do you have any income? If so then I’d say “I run a few properties” (if you’re a landlord for example). Or “I sold my company last year so taking a few years off”.

If you have no income at all, and never intend to have one, that’s very unusual outside of disability etc so I would start to think about what you DO want to do in the future to have a community around you. Volunteer work etc? again depends on how you intend to live - if you need benefits then the job centre will make you look for work.

It’s hoe you are wording it.

just say I’m at home with the kids. Or I’m a homemaker. Nobody cares but if you add extra bits like lucky or full time it will come across wrong.

I’m not able to work anymore due to my health. Only in my 50s. My dc are grown up but I just say home maker or retired.

I am only ever envious of the mums who have well paid careers, are able to work part-time and regularly from home but are still part of a cool workplace. They have the best of all worlds, an interesting career, time for their children, a competent partner who helps run home and family a salary for the extras, not having to reply on someone else for pocket money and a private pension. These women are the luckiest imo but ultimately we all want different things.

I personally would hate not to work once the dc are upper primary, each to their own.

I don't think I know of any woman who never plans to work again once having kids, certainly not one born this century.

Do you have passive income to fund this? You never know what the future holds, if your DH is funding your lifestyle anything could change in a heartbeat, best to ensure you are financially secure in terms of savings and pension in your own name.

Personally I don't tell anyone socially that I'm a sahm, because they mostly assume that all parents work (we're in central London and there are very few sahms here). My previous work was freelance and I'm maintaining some admin elements of my company (although I do no work for it day to day), so if I am asked "What do you do?" I tell them my job title (which is a description which can apply to paid and unpaid roles). People tend to move on quite quickly with the conversation and there are better things to talk about, so it's not been much of an issue, and for most people I meet it simply doesn't come up in conversation at all. I think there is an awkwardness to mentioning it, and it's not simply in my head. They assume that everyone else is in the same boat so it would make me an outsider to not have the same issues as them, so I just go along with it.

Although people may ask if you work or not, in reality it's so much more nuanced than a binary status - working mum vs. SAHM. There are those working through choice, those who are working because they have to, those who are not working through choice, those who are not working because they can't find suitable work, those who are not working because of their health or the needs of child....etc etc. And then it all depends on if you have a partner and if you do, are they willing and able to support another adult who is not working.

There is overlap between these categories, and people can change categories over time. But when someone asks 'when are you going back to work' I think in the majority of cases it's just people making small talk as let's face it being off work/on mat leave at the same time is at least one bit of common ground you have with other mums at baby groups.

Whether working or not, I think what we all ideally want is to have choice. While many things are beyond our control, having a good education and establishing a career before having children can help keep choices open. Life can throw you curveballs - my BIL with young kids has just had to leave a very well paid job at age 50 due to sudden health problems. My friend never planned to be a SAHM but having two disabled children changed that. So I don't think it's helpful to 'other' people who are not in the same category as us right now, as who knows what life has in store.

Agree with every word of this

I was going to ask about SAHDs so thank you for this.

I would anticipate, given how societal norms still expect that anything related to children is a female responsibility, that it’s a lot harder for SAHDs to talk about it because it flies in the face of patriarchal ideals. Women making the choice is acceptable but it’s weird if men do.

My current employer gives 6 months fully paid paternity (same as maternity) but even with that heavy investment in allowing dads to share the care from the start, it’s still predominantly women going part time, leaving early to do the school run and first on the call list for school and nursery. Very depressing in 2026.

I think I'm going to start saying 'I'm self employed' if anyone asks.

Although people may ask if you work or not, in reality it's so much more nuanced than a binary status - working mum vs. SAHM. There are those working through choice, those who are working because they have to, those who are not working through choice, those who are not working because they can't find suitable work, those who are not working because of their health or the needs of child....etc etc. And then it all depends on if you have a partner and if you do, are they willing and able to support another adult who is not working.

Case in point. This only applies to mothers, apparently. Not all parents.

I just say I don’t work. People don’t often ask to be honest. I don’t see the need to dress it up in any way.

I certainly wouldn’t say I’m lucky. It’s fucking hard work plus a big factor for me is that I had a massive breakdown post partum and seven years in I’m still not fully recovered.

I say I’m a lady of leisure. If you’re going to have an opinion of me then I’ll call it out rather than you secretly judging me 😂

I have three dc (2 secondary and one in year 4 primary) so it does feel leisurely (when there’s no school/exam/friendship dramas going on)

Absolutely agree that the question is rarely asked about men - it's assumed they will keep working as normal. But my partner didn't - when I returned to work 4 days a week after mat leave, at the same time my partner also dropped to 4 days a week. I only know two other families that have done that. But it was a non-negotiable for me, I wanted to keep my career going and to have financial independence.

Saying “I’m lucky” does sound a bit smug to be honest… which makes sense as you have actually said you think working mums might be envious.
To put your mind at rest, I as a working mum am not at all envious.

My Mum made a career of being a housewife and mother. She was so good at it. Up at the crack of dawn to light fire and warm our school uniforms and cook us breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon most mornings. Then she cooked my Dad a breakfast as he came home from work for 30 mins on a shift break. Shed have it timed to perfection. She'd walk us to school. Two mornings a week she stayed and listened to readers and put out paint into little pots and helped tie up lots of little childrens aprons. Then she cooked a full cooked lunch with desert for Dad, me and my sisters. She spent every spare moment cleaning the house, which was always spotless, washing in a twin tub machine or by hand, pegging put washing or shopping. On Tuesdays and Fridays she always baked. Tuesdays pastry she made from scratch for sausage rolls, pasties, jam tarts and cheese straws. Fridays she baked little cakes, 3 dozen every Friday. She helped at every Brownies or Guides summer and Xmas fayre, every school fete or jumble sale. She always made cakes for any charity that wanted some. In any spare time she knitted us jumpers or cardigans and madey sisters dancing and majorettes costumes. She cleaned windows indoors and out and for some strange reason always scrubbed the front door step. She made her own jam, marmalade and pickles. She was on the clock 24 hours a day. She very rarely stopped. She spent hours listening to us practice our French and Latin and testing us on it. She used to joke she would like to sit the exams.

Same here. Neither of us went part time but DH made decisions to only take work he could do from/closer to home to ensure I could continue working full time as well (out of the home). He has always done at least 50% of the parenting and home tasks, school runs etc.

The thing about luck is that it can run out. Unless you have rock solid protections, insurances etc or are independently wealthy the partner you rely on can disappear, lose their health or earning capacity. Even if SAH is shorter term you take a hit on pension contributions and employability so the impact is life-long in the vast majority of cases. There are multiple threads every week from women who release this all too late.

Yeah I have savings and a desirable profession which is easy to pick up again if my lovely, incredible husband should ever leave me. Don’t worry I’m just fine!

then why worry about what others think of you?

I say I'm a SAHM.

Did your DH not want to be the SAHP?

SAHM "for now?" And "such precious time, they grow fast." "Will have to take come courses when they do go to school."

It is awful op that you feel you have to justify it, but I understand the anxiety; we live in a judgemental world. It honestly says more about them. People make choices that are best for them, and their families, not anybody else's business why.