DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Sorry but this man sounds awful. How can he even say that to you when you have three kids to look after and no help

Would we be correct in thinking he wouldn't last half a day of your life?

I really hope you both have equal access to the finances.

Nice husband.
Be more vocal.

Oh gosh how have you agreed to be in this situation? And have three kids as well?
why is he living abroad on his own? Can you not go with?

He sounds very thoughtless and largely absent. No wonder your kids are needy for your with their dad hardly there. If you don’t want to get a job, he can hardly force you to.

Hes an absolute piece of shit. Im sorry OP.
I dont know what you can do to make him see. But what you can do fir yourself is truly understabd that he is wrong. Any women who have been through this know how it feels. It IS very hard work being a SAHP to multiple preschool age kids. Don't ever let him make you feel that it isn't.
You need to be assertive, prioritise your health and wellbeing and let go of any guilt. This is all very hard to do but you should not expect that this man will change so its you who must be stronger for yourself. Stop doing so much and dont let his complaints get to you. Because he's talking out of his arse.
Make sure you are getting as much time to yourself as possible and do not feel guilty about it. Everything dies not need to be spotless.
Fuck him and his nonsense. You do what's best for you and your children and ignore his crap until the kids are all at school and you can work. And then just you do is you prioritise yourself then. By getting a savings account and making plans to leave this man.

How old are the children? How many are in full time education?

Tell him to Google women’s mental load. What an ignorant idiot. I sometimes tell dh I’m overwhelmed and do you know what he says? “Right, let’s make a list together and I’ll see what I can take on.” Then he’ll take stuff on like arranging dentist appointments (including taking dc) etc.

They are all in primary school, youngest is in reception. I have a drive to get to the school because of our location so by the time I get home I have 5 hours before leaving again. 1.5days a week of those 5 hours are taken up due to a community thing I do which I enjoy as it brings those who attend so much happiness and support. When I get back from school drop off it’s usually 45mins taken up clearing up from breakfast, putting a wash away, putting a wash on, getting clothes/club clothes out for kids return and getting their uniforms out for the next morning.

It might be worth looking into DLA for your autistic child if you haven't already as it isn't means tested. You could maybe afford some form of respite or specialist clubs with it. Lots of good advice on here about the main focus of your post.

I love where we live and we have our own home. The autistic one can’t cope when I change cereals let alone moving all the time. DH moves every 2-3 years due to his work so I’ve stayed put and that was my choice to give the kids stability especially the autistic one.

The community thing you do- could you get a related job instead? So a caring job of sorts? Op I was a sahm, and dh said similar. Very few men truly appreciate a sahm, they just get more bitter that they’re ‘doing everything’. They think the money, the outside work is everything. They don’t get that yes of course it’s so important as you’d all be homeless without it, but without what you do there’d be neglected, miserable, angry children. Find a way to get a job in case one day everything goes south

Gey your stupid DH to go part time. Then you can get a job too and ram his weasel words down his throat...but he won't be up for that, will he, because at the end of the day he wants to confine you in a position of vulnerability.

On top of the 2 weeks settling in time for the youngest, ive been into school 18 times since September (some have been for nice things eg nativity play) but a chunk have been due to the autistic one, what job would let me have 18 chunks of time off?! All sick days are on my head too.

Why on earth did you agree to more children after he was no help with the first one? Sorry I know that sounds harsh but he’s obviously under the impression it’s ok to not help out.

I must admit 5 hours a day to get stuff done sounds like a dream. I had to go back to work when mine were tiny & still had all those jobs to do after work.

You might actually be better off working as you could pass on some of the mundane jobs to DH when he’s home.

How did you envisage life with 3 kids OP, if he's always worked away during the week and is only home at weekends?

Did you expect more help than you get?

I think you need to prioritise your own home and family for the time being. If you are behind you just haven't got the time and energy for extra work. It must be hard when your DH is away such a lot. Unless finances are very tight I don't think you should get a job at the present time.

@Thoseslippers said it perfectly!!

I have 3DC, one diagnosed SEN, another highlighted by the school to be assessed. The third is just a contrary madam 😁

I do the same as you out of school hours, OP. Plus I hold a full time job. I lay my uniforms out for the week in one go on a Sunday. Because I don't have 5 days off in the week to do it.

Sorry but having children in full time education gives a lot of free time if you're not working. My DH usually leaves for work before DC are up, and gets home for dinner, ish. We don't share much of the childcare because they're in bed most of the hours he's home.

Your DH could do a bit more at the weekend perhaps, but you don't have it hard as a SAHM when the kids aren't actually in the home for full time education hours.

I'd stop doing the community thing, ypu simply don't have the capacity. Then I'd spend three days doing housework etc and take the other two as your 'weekend' and do nice things or just go back to bed for a few hours (and don't tell him).

I would also reconsider the community thing that you do. Sorry, you simply don’t have capacity for it if you’re the SAHP and overwhelmed. You do have a job though.

Your husband sounds like a knob. That is quite a lot of time while your dcs are at school though. Once the kids are at school if one person is not working it is reasonable for them to do the bulk of the home running stuff. Very boring though - I think you’d be better off getting a job. I know I’d end up playing on my phone all day if I was at home.

Omg I would kill him. Give him a running list of every single little thing you fo throughout the day. Every little task. It does not matter at all if it annoys him etc. Keep going on and on and on until he REALLY gets it. It will be really good for him genuinely.

Every little thing. You can ask him regularly, do you get it now? But don't stop until he is genuinely like 'sorry I had no idea,, that was a stupid thing to say'

I am surprised people are saying drop the community thing in favour of housework. Presumably that’s the thing each week that allows you to be you, not mum or running the house. Sod that - get a cleaner as a start point. Find ways to tackle those things better, not quit what you enjoy!

He’s a shit.
You need to find a way to have more support in your life. Stop the club thing that requires half a day of prep. You need that time for yourself above all. Be more selfish xxxx