DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Sorry but I have three kids, youngest is 3. We both work full time. I’d give my right arm for 25 hours a week to myself.

I don’t think people appreciate the OP’s circumstances. She is effectively a single mum (the DH appears to be an ad-hoc visitor!) and she has a child with SEN, I don’t know how severe the SEN is but I remember having to leave work quite often to collect my DS (before we managed to get him into a special school).

It is NOT easy!!!

Having said that OP, I am concerned for your future, I would try and find a role you could do from home for a few hours each day. Anything. Not for the money but to get your working foot through the door. The kids will not be little forever, then what? Also, lower your standards for housework and free up your time in the week for upskilling.

@TeaDoesntSolveEverything i have an Auadhd child and a NT child both in school, yes I’m up the school all the time but I also have a job. I just make my work work around it. It’s tough but can be done.

Im sorry your husband sounds useless but if your kiddos are at school for “5 hours” other than you community thing (which it sounds like you need to stop doing) what are you doing all day? Is your house mega cluttered? It takes me 3 hours a week to deep clean with a 14 month old constantly at my heels. I know washing, dishes etc take a little while daily but if I had 5 hours a day of no kids I could get everything done and manage an hour long nap with no issues at all. It sounds like you need to put some better systems in place. Put washing on the night before then when you wake up move it to the dryer so that once you are leaving for school it is done and can be put away as soon as you get back. Get dishes done as soon as possible and try and empty washer before bed. I have an autistic sister and my mum was constantly including her in things like this to help regulate before bed too. Not to mention that once done if you autistic kids still needs you can you try crawling in bed together to read or watch telly so at least you can horizontal parent for a while.

I don’t think that comment would have bothered me if I’m honest as I’d be asking myself the same question.

I worked full time when my two were little and still had all of the life admin and housework to do. I did pretty much everything due to a lazy ex and was also the main breadwinner and would have loved the time through the day to get things done while they were at school.

Routines worked for me, I’d write our meal plan while the kids were playing, do an online shop and I’d always cook double to freeze portions to make life easier for future meals.

Washing was done daily and I did cleaning little bit often so it was easier to stay on top of.

Ask ChatGPT to help you with a bit of a schedule so that you don’t have overwhelm.

and a day and a half each week to do something you enjoy is kind of time for yourself. It’s a luxury that not many of us have so try and look at that in a positive way. If you have time for that and can make that work then maybe a part time job is an option.

So when kid is having a meltdown and school ask you to attend you tell them you'll come after hours? That's very convenient for you. Meanwhile in the real world, parents of SEN children HAVE to be on standby because, in my experience, most schools can't or won't deal with their episodes.

Your biggest problem is him I would say. It’s not such a battle if you are seen and appreciated when in it. Also it’s not appropriate for you to get a job at this time. However if your relationship isn’t great you do need to give thought to how you could support yourself in the future.

What a shitty man.

Start looking for a job - you'll need one when the marriage ends - and as the start of that process, advise him about what he'll need to do that he isn't doing now, childcare-wise, and that he'll need to find any paid childcare.

Tell him that you’re planning to go back to work. Before you do, he needs to have been trained up fully to take on 50/50 responsibilities at home and be so familiar with the dc’s issues that he can competently handle school crises, medical emergencies and appointments. They will need to be comfortable in his sole care too, not pining for mummy or getting tummy aches.

Additionally, while you are settling into your new job, he will need to cover emergencies and sick days so that you can build credibility and professionalism at work. He has had time to establish his.

Work out how much of you wage will need to be diverted into a pension to catch up your contributions and bring it in line with his, and then factor in all your extra costs (transport, professional clothes, hair appointments) and childcare so that you are both clear how much extra money this will bring in for the family. Talk about what you’ll be able to afford to buy the dc with it.

Op what did you mean when you said that your rental income just about keeps you afloat?

Does your dh not pool his earnings with you? Are you paying in to a pension?

Who pays for the children’s expenses?

Your husband sounds pretty unreasonable to me. If he doesn’t think looking after 3 dc under seven including one child with SEN, constitutes “work” and he thinks it’s acceptable to lie in every weekend then I would invent a family emergency next weekend and literally leave the house at 6 am on Saturday morning leaking a message on the kitchen table saying you won’t be returning until mid-week and that he will just have to manage somehow. They are his children too.

He sounds like a terrible husband and co parent.

Nobody deserves to have their feelings completely dismissed like that. Being married and being parents is teamwork and that means tagging in when one person is having a hard time. It means listening to one another, looking after each other as well as the children.

He sounds self absorbed and selfish and lacking in self awareness and empathy. How does he expect you to get a job?!

You sound like you’re essentially a single parent at breaking point.

Have you considered leaving him? What would that look like?

Either way you need to have a serious conversation about your future. Don’t let this just keep rolling on you get one precious life and you deserve to be happy.

And this is why I bore my younger female relatives and colleagues with “never EVER give up your financial independence for a man”. If that means fewer kids, so be it.

Now you’re in this situation I think you need to get some paid employment-enough to pay a cleaner at least and build up hours as the kids get older. But it’s a lonely drudge for sure

I think hoping your DH will ever step up as a parent is a complete pipe dream and you should start from the reality that he gets jobs abroad so that he doesn’t have to do it.

It is much much more likely that he will end the marriage than step up. In a way you shouldn’t get a job, because it puts you in a better position should/when you come to divorce.

I would insist though that he pays into a decent pension for you so that you aren’t further sabotaging your future financial freedom.

I don’t know what to advise you about getting your life sorted; beyond saying not to have a fourth child! It sounds very difficult.

Get him to change the job- something local, so he’s home every evening.And make sure he’s helping and engaging as well.
You may have less disposable income, but you’ll feel better, not to have everything on your shoulders.
in your position I would try to find sone easy part time job-basically something that will get you out of the house, to do something else apart from childcare and housework.
It’ll help your mental health tremendously- speaking from my experience.

Plus try to get out with some friends, even once a month to have a coffee, wine- go for a walk- without children- it’ll help you feel better as well.

The way you do things now op- it’s a straight highway to the burn out.

You have a 24 hour a day job. You need to go away for a week while he has the kids, then come back and talk.

I love the way how pps are framing this all as the op’s fault and questioning why she had three dc with this man? As if this is helpful when the children are here and very much present and as such are the joint responsibility of both parents.

It’s a very different thing being in some charge of three dc under seven, one of whom doesn’t sleep well and needs lots of extra support at school and home, when your dh is working abroad. As a former military wife I experienced it and it’s relentless and exhausting. The time between 3.30 pm when school ends and bed time feels particularly tiring and like a lonely marathon most days. Especially if you have broken nights,

Having a dh who works away all week means that you have none of the autonomy of a single life but very few benefits of being married. It doesn’t even sound like op has much financial support if she is relying on her rental income to keep her afloat.

And this man feels it’s his right to lie in bed every weekend morning? That tells you all you need to know about him actually.

My dh used to return home exhausted from a
tour abroad and would be up and helping with the dc bright and early the next day, he would share night wakings, and he understood that it was my opportunity to relax and see friends etc and that I had had very little adult company while he was away.

How many people who go out to work have five hours a day to themselves? To “do community things that I love,”?

Let’s be honest here being a SAHM of school aged children is nothing like having a job.

Yes, housework needs to be done, and kids need to be looked after etc, nobody is denying that.

But when you can say that you have five hours a day to yourself and only 45 minutes of that is spent clearing up after breakfast etc, it’s hard to take it seriously when someone says they’re struggling.

I was a SAHM, I had time to go swimming when DC were at school, I also had time to volunteer at school, as a governor, PTA, reading with children etc. None of that would have been possible if I’d had a full-time job, but it doesn’t remotely compare with my DH who had to go out to work first thing in the morning and come home as the DC were going to bed.

The DH here may have been a bit crass in how he said it, but fact is he’s right.

I think his words were thoughtless but if you are so behind and run down then would it not make sense giving up whatever helps you give your friend that requires half a day prep then a day of helping.
Could you not get a cleaner in to help out, or could a couple of friends come and help you for a day or two to get caught up, then make a rota to stay on top of things.
I assume at least one child attends school, do the others attend nursery to give you some parent free time.
At weekends your husband needs to step up and parent. I get maybe needing a lie on one day as travelling is exhausting, but the other day it should be you getting the lie in whilst he attends chores or even just takes the kids out so you get time to yourself.
But, in the interim, make a list each day what you do, how long it takes etc, then sit him down and show him the number of hours work you do, keeping house and children is still work

I do agree with him though that I would be pissed off with a day and half volunteering if you're that stressed by stuff at home.

The difference is that op could be quite lonely as she only gets to see other adults one day a week and when her dh is at home at weekends. (But he sounds like a fourth child.)

And you make it sound like three kids under seven on your own is a walk in the park. Remember that op isn’t getting a good night’s sleep either and looking after the needs of a child severely affected by ASD requires huge reserves of patience and energy.

I have to agree with this

i was a single parent of 2 plus worked full time and yes I was called in to school many times for my eldest, even up to 6th form. I had to do all the things you do plus had a full time job.

You had 3 children - and they didn’t all arrive at once. They’re all in school now and you have more than 20 hours a week to yourself. How would you expect things to be any different? Your husband works away and you knew this before you had children.

You can’t compare being married to someone who works away to being a single parent.

Your DH sounds like a complete dickhead. He is clueless

Doesn't he know that having a job is easier than childcare?

He needs to recognise that it's his career choice that is stopping you working outside the home.

Could he get a job where he doesn't travel? He could be there every night and do 50% of all household and childcare tasks?

My DH used to travel a lot, when we had DC he changed his job so he's back most nights

Oh I didn't spot the works abroad thing.
That's tricky. You need to tell him that you agree that you need a job and so he will have to find one nearer home so he can do his fair share of stuff at home.

When he refuses, then you can point out how much you facilitate his life and go from there.

But give up the volunteering and spend that time in training so you can at some point go back to work and never give up your independence again.