DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

I suppose this is right to a point - if you do enjoy it. I would definitely think you need a cleaner and I think a childminder or nanny aswell - someone who can really help you!! Even stay over on occasion seeing as you are completely alone. I hope your DH is very generous financially because frankly you are doing an exceptional job whilst he has none of his real responsibilities to carry!!!

25 hours per week to do all household and child related tasks? You’d be able to see my house shining from space.

Your DH was unkind to say what he did but you do have more free time than the average parent. I’d drop the community thing unless you genuinely enjoy it. It’s another thing to add to the mental load.

You made it sound like you had 2 children babies at home with you, not 3 primary aged. You have all day everyday to get stuff done, what on earth are you doing? I have 3 primary aged children, youngest is in reception, I work ft as does my husband, we juggle all the stuff you mention plus ft jobs. You say you clear the breakfast things, do the school run etc, try that and a full days work. Oh and then clubs every single school night plus saturday. Granted you are on your own when they finish school but if you have time in the day how are you still struggling?

I imagine your husband earns well, maybe he needs a job back at home and you return to work and have a more 50/50 approach. The good thing about both working ft and sharing the load of everything else is that no one can say "well you don't work you have it easy", we have exactly the same hours and stuff at home to do, it's really hard work but we are in it together, oh and we are both around for our children.

I'd chuck in the volunteering thing it doesn't sound like you can cope, focus on your family, maybe think about getting a job and your husband moving back home so you aren't doing it on your own.

Okay, so you have 25 hours a week when the children are at school, once you subtract the commute. What does that time get spent on? I can see that, on paper, it looks like you should have plenty of time get on top of the cleaning, catch up on admin, have some you-time, etc., but what's the reality?

A day and a half goes on volunteering. You're at the school something like once a week, so that presumably averages a couple of hours a week. Are you needing to catch up on sleep? Is there a lot of admin, particularly if you're in the process of applying for an EHCP?

So he doesn’t even live there most of the time? I couldn’t accept a relationship where he was absent but demanded I get a job as well as do all the care for his 3 children and spend my income on daily life. What is he even for?

You haven’t got to time to volunteer for 1/3 of your time. Focus on your own family and home. I think it might be reasonable to do something for 3 hours a week just because it gives you satisfaction.

@orangewaspI completely agree. You need your own down time whee your not responsible for anyone or anything. Is it something you could cut down on or do once or twice a month to free up some of your time?

Take yourself for a weekend away and leave him to solo parent. He won't get the full experience as you will still carry the mental load, deal with life admin and he would probably do minimal cleaning, but he may have some appreciation for how tough looking after the DC is. If he thinks you have it easy he should have no qualms about you going away.

Totally agree, she needs a job.

Also the having to be at school 18 times. No you don't. You like to be at the school 18 times. Or maybe 14 (let's say 4 times were for non "fun things like nativitys").

Last week on Tues, DD threw up on the way out of school. So she's off for 48hrs as per policy. So I had to WFH for 2 days. That's what happens on sick days. Or you taken AL.

Monday, there was a reading session, parents invited. I didn't go. Neither did half the class' parents. Because they have jobs or something better to be doing at 9am on a Monday morning. Very, very few parents go to everything and turns out, the children aren't scarred for life because I went to their nativity, but not their lunchtime join in Zumba session. OP doesn't need to be there on every occasion . She chooses too.

No a majority were for my SEN child

Yeah I have this a lot too. For 2 of my children.

You go after school. Out of work hours.

I think it sounds like a lot given your DH's constant absences and your DC's sen issues.

I don't think you should give up your community role for the following reasons.

1. if you need to return to work, it will count as experience, you will have references - these are valuable assets. It demonstrates that you were active in the workforce, even though it was on a voluntary basis and will have transferable skills.
2. I would never give up something you enjoy just so you can do even more damn housework!!! With no family nearby and your DH away so much and the DC extra reliant on you.. it sounds quite a lonely time. This is your time to mix with other people and keep current and socialise and you are able to do this when they are at school. DONT GIVE IT UP!! I would keep doing it for your mental health if nothing else. Do what you can to keep meeting up with people and prioritise yourself and your health occasionally. Its more important than housework!!

If your DH has such an active job, I'm presuming he is paid accordingly.. So get a cleaner. See if you can get any other type of help.. to do the help that he's not there to do.. eg a gardener etc.

I think when you have 3 kids and are on the go all the time. There's little time to declutter and reorganise..but if you had a cleaner doing some of the work, you'd have more time to get things organised.

Could you try to find a paid babysitter/childminder who could help occasionally? Maybe someone who could be around whilst you are there so the children can get used to them. Just to give you the occasional break. Perhaps another mum from school.

Online grocery shop for all the big stuff (loo rolls, cleaning materials, store cupboard stuff) once a month so that other shops are smaller and less of a faff.

Parenting a severely autistic child is not the same as parenting a neurotypical child.

I have a child who has the most severe form of autism.

Your husband is choosing to work away so he doesn’t have to deal with his children. He has absolutely no idea.

Um, I’m called in to the school every week due to an issue with my ASD & ADHD offspring. It’s not fun, no, and yes I do have to go in. I imagine it is similar for Op from what she has said. Did that, not occur to you?!

And I have to go in work hours because I have to go when the school is open, which is during the hours I work.

3 kids - no help - husband abroad and occasionally comes home?
You are solo parenting to the max! The last thing your DH should be saying is get a job - he should be saying ‘what can I do? Hire a nanny, cleaner?’

Keep the community thing, it enriches your life.

Ask your DH to work out how much down time he has compared to you. Better still go away for a few nights of quiet next time he visits, leaving him in charge of the kids

It would be financially irresponsible IMO to pay a cleaner/minder/nanny to do stuff OP has time to do, in circumstances where she's overwhelmed because she's choosing to spend quite a lot of time on unpaid stuff. And a bit unfair on husband to work FT to support wife not working and still pay staff.
(Albeit he sounds rude)

When my kids were little DH worked away from home. We had a big house - my elderly, slightly disabled mum lived with us - she doted on children and was very happy to entertain them and do small jobs like peeling spuds etc - and I had a cleaner. I was still pretty busy gardening, cooking, washing, being the family taxi...
How the heck can anyone expect you to cope!!

He can take a week off, a normal school week, and you go away while he does everything, they are to eat home cooked meals and you expect to come home to a clean tidy organised house. Inform the school in person and in writing that you will have your phone off and your dh is the one they must contact.

The most important thing you should be doing right now is dropping the voluntary project. I am a great believer in volunteering, but you have got your priorities wrong.
You should be concentrating on getting the correct assessments and support in place for your autistic child. It takes years to get an ehcp. It can be a huge battle to get a place in an appropriate school for a child who cannot cope in mainstream secondary, or funding for support in school.
Please, don't leave it till they get there and then find you have a 4 or 5 year full time unpaid job and thousands of £ out of your own pocket to throw at fighting for your child.
I strongly advise you to post on the SEND board and get support and advice there.
Then, further down the road you can consider your marriage, career and so on.

So you have 18 hours a week left after the other thing between school drop off and pick ups.
What are you ‘behind’ on?
What housework can possibly take 18 hours of time in a weekday?
What about evenings and weekends?
Most people work full time and have to do these things after they’ve done a day of work.

Book yourself a two week holiday and tell him he is looking after the kids while you go away. Then he can see what it’s like.

As pp said , your DH should be saying "what can I do?" Not "get a job". Maybe he can take 2 weeks annual leave and take on all the load while you go to the city and search for that job. Then he can decide whether he wants to have you both working and sharing the household or to keep it as is.
I'd drop kids clubs, get a cleaner, after school care a bit if there is something they'd like and look into support for the DC with SEN. Probably you have done this.
What you describe sounds workable for DC without SEN when everyone's well, but very hard with the SEN or as soon as anything goes wrong.