DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Your words ‘-Yeah, I imagine that's what the assessor who granted both higher rates for DLA thought.

Which do imply two children are assessed higher rate.

But piecing together from your posts, your 17 year old is the child assessed higher rate, your other two are the ones you do the 5 minute school run for. That sounds like you have assistance with your older child in the daytime, either with transport or other needs.

Hey folks

Fine to disagree with one another - but please do so with talk guidelines in mind. If this thread continues into a bunfight, we'll likely need to suspend some accounts. Shall we draw a line now and let the discussion continue?

Oh, yes I guess if you read that in isolation it can be ambiguous, if you ignore the several other times I've already addressed that one child is fully diagnosed, higher/higher.

And I'm one of the few people who have a certain amount of sympathy for your position, in that she didn't sound particularly overloaded to me, at least compared with myself and other parents of disabled kids (mostly working but part time and it's a struggle).

But it's not a race to the bottom, everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, we have no different idea of the level of need her children have, and frankly, this poster has been deeply unpleasant. We shouldn't have to push ourselves to breaking point! And this man should be doing a lot more and not just disappearing to another country and leaving the OP to it.

Perhaps not everyone is glued to your posts?

So you have help with your child with the most needs.

I find it very strange that it's considered a "race to the bottom" to point out OP has very little to do, given the 30 leisure hours she has and is still complaining about lack of support.

I'm not at breaking point, nor have claimed to be. Baffling as this may be to certain posters, I make zero apology for being able to cope.

I would say we do have an idea of need. One child has SEN, is in a mainstream school, and OP has been in to the school somewhere between once and twice a month concerning this child. It's not sounding unmanageable is it. There's a lot of pointless projecting of unrelated far worse situations and pretending "oh, but what if OP was like me" when she's clearly stated her circumstances. Fairly normal.

Then, OP is unemployed. Just the daily tasks of running a house to do in all that child free time. She manages to volunteer as she fancies, 1.5 days a week, oddly unaffected by the children that apparently affect everything else each day so detrimentally.

Zero acknowledgement is given to the person full time working out of the home supporting the whole household. As if working away from home permanently, living out of bags and hotel rooms every day is a dream. One can only presume it's for very good pay, hence worth the sacrifice.

The only thought to the person working full time, is that "you don't do more." Actually they do 40hrs a week of work. And OP does none. On the flip side, OP does out of school and weekend parenting. And he does none. She gets all her free time during the week day time hours, and he gets his at the weekends. They both have the same amount of time off without children..OP calls the standard parenting of children outside of school hours "the same as full time job". Enough people have pointed out the humour found in that statement.

He doesn't do any out of school parenting. OP doesn't have a job. They both get hours and hours of free time. It's no race to the bottom to observe this would not be a struggle.

I do think doing all of the parenting alone during the week is a tough deal actually OP, especially when you have SEN children who don't go to sleep until late and tricky behaviour on the school run. I have an SEN child who is often up late and I am always knackered. I hope you are okay OP as some of these responses have been wild.
I think you do need to try and make him see your life from your point of view , either by going away when he is back for a weekend and seeing how he gets on, or otherwise just discussing it more , or are there any family members that would put across your viewpoint to him to back you up. I wouldn't be entertaining getting any sort of job unless he is willing to pay for some help for you like cleaning or a nanny so you can get a bit of a break. I say this as a higher earning full time working mum , and I think although work can be knackering your DH has the better set up.

I hesitate to get into it with you, @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease, because you’re clearly not going to stop at this point - but even just on a basic maths level, 18/5 is 3.6 visits to the school per month.

But more importantly, you’re completely underestimating the impact of not having your partner around for evenings and weekends, and the relentlessness of parenting alone all the time. And yes, single parents do it - but most single parents of three children, including one with SEN, would say that it is very very hard. The OP is allowed to find it hard. Never did she say that she’s not coping, and there’s nothing in her posts to suggest that she’s doing a bad job - she would just like some acknowledgement from the man that’s supposed to love and support her.

It's 18 times for all 3DC, including "fun stuff like nativitys"

When challenged, the most she would admit was a "majority" were for the SEN child. There have been 6 school months. Even if 2 out of every 3 attendances were SEN related, that's 2 visits a month. On a basic maths level.

She'd potentially get some acknowledgement from the other parent, if she acknowledged she had equal amount of child free leisure time and neither of them have it particularly hard in comparison to most people.

I've also been a SAHM, as in DC actually in the house during the day, and like OP, I've been unemployed (also like OP had an income stream) with children in FTE, whilst DH was never home, working all hours. I appreciated my very privileged position of not having to do any work other than parenting out of school hours, whilst someone else worked hard for me and my children to have a very nice home and life.

Definitely there's an element of having an adult to talk to, and if DH is home, say 8pm, I get that. It's no bearing on helping with the children though. Rather than berate for his absence, I appreciate his sacrifice. He does these hours so we have a lovely home. A big garden which eldest DC needs to help calm down. He'd love to see DC more, but sees the bigger picture of what we're building together and for DC. Perhaps OP should try acknowledging what her DH provides, and maybe it would be reciprocated...

I’m afraid I can’t help you any further with the maths if you can’t count from September to January.

But I don’t believe you could honestly think that being child-free from 9:30-2:30 Mon-Fri is the same as having the entire weekend to yourself, every single week. All free time is not created equally. Regardless of what his job is (and I don’t think the OP ever said he’s living out of suitcases), he undoubtedly has a more relaxed life than his wife.

It's February. Semantics.

I can get a lot more done in 6 hours of child free time, 5 days a week than on a Saturday and Sunday.

Because you want to make OP out to have a harder life doesn't change the reality that they have the same free time.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease I’m sorry that you struggle with maths so much even after being told multiple times. 5x5=25 not 30.

I feel like I’m at the end of the verse of the song about “there’s a hole in my bucket dear Liza”…………

So to you @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease and everyone else who keeps saying I have all this free time…..

I do not get evenings or weekends.
My husband does not come home every weekend. We’ve seen him once since Christmas. We are seeing him next in a week.
In those 25hours (not 30 as I can do maths) of “free time” I have is broken down as so…..

5 hours of “free time” a day….
.45mins a day is immediately clearing breakfast, putting a wash away, putting a wash on, getting home clothes out, what ever club they have outfits sorted, uniform for the next day, snacks for pick up and no doubt hoovering the floor as they can’t possibly seem to stay still by the door with their shoes on. Leaving 4hrs 15mins.

Out of that 4hrs 15mins a day of “free time”….
the house takes 4-4.5hrs to clean properly (cleaner used to take 3 hours and never got it all done)
Changing beds 1hour a week. (Although normally have to do 2 changes a week for SEN and youngest due to bed wetting).
Food planning and online ordering of it 1hr.
Food delivery acceptance 20mins. Normally make a slow cooker or tray bake up daily so I’m not having to do it when kids are about as it’s a juggle when they get home with melt downs , 3 sets of homework and also them wanting time with me.
One of my 5 hours a day is taken up due to set up, running the event and then the clear up of the volunteer role that I created and is my only adult contact all week. I do it as I enjoy it and feel it looks good on my CV for when I eventually am able to have support from my husband so that I can go back into my previous career. 2 hours the day before is taken up creating things for the event. The reason it does not cause me stress is because I can leave when I’m needed at school due to the other volunteers I have created and I do not need to worry about asking a boss if I can go.

The majority of times I’ve been up to school have been for my SEN child. No they cannot wait till the end of school a) the other two are then in tow and do not give me peace to talk. But b) they have had to have immediate reactions e.g 2 suspensions for SEN child which had to be done as they have strict new rules with a new headteacher even though I disputed the reason things happened as their needs were not being met so they were not coping. 2 reintegration meetings which had to happen during school time so they could then be reintegrated back into the classroom. Due to their SEN these reintegration meetings were not quick. 4 times last term called up as SEN child had melted and they couldn’t regulate them resulting in them escaping into the field and clawing their face and arms until they bled. Each of those was 3 hours due to the severity of the meltdowns all because school wasn’t implementing the EHCP correctly.
Yes a small handful of things were nice things e.g a nativity play and a Carol concert. But others were eg middle one broke their arm so had to go and collect and then all the resulting hospital visits which saw away the “free time” for that week.
Today’s “free time” had just short of 2 hours taken editing a support plan school has asked me to look over.
On top of all the normal stuff that happens weekly there has been endless things that have taken up my “free time” to do with finding and sorting people to fix some house issues we have. I could keep going listing even more things but I know it won’t make a difference to some of your opinions.

Oh and on top of that I never get a whole night sleep as 1 or 2 of them are always up therefore I am slower the next day from being tired.

I don't think it's healthy for you to be on here defending yourself to strangers. If it's counterproductive you can ask MN to take down your post
Please stay safe.

Yeah I’ve said the same thing. I’m worried for OP and think it would be better for @LilyMumsnet to remove this thread if @TeaDoesntSolveEverything agrees. She’s not getting the support she came here for and that she needs.

There's loads you can do to help yourself:

You deducting an hour every day for travel is child free time. For phonecalls, for quiet time, audiobooks, the radio or listening to a podcast, should you desire. If I have to travel out for work, I make tonnes of calls in the car. Work, personal and social. Do you use that time productively?

Because you choose to do things in the 30hrs your children aren't there, doesn't negate that you are choosing to fill 30hrs of leisure time with daily tasks, 99% of which could be done at other times. Plus volunteering activities you like doing.

Question: When do you think the multiple other SEN mothers who work, who have commented explaining this to you, "put a wash on?" .Are you suggesting your one SEN child prevents you from doing this when they are in the home? Every household task you have mentioned taking up your free time, and it is free time, not "free time", is stuff that the other SEN parents do with their children in the same building. Do you think that your child is so challenging that all SEN parents do all this outside school hours must have really easy children?

You have 30hrs free time during the day, plus all the time out of school. It's like me taking an hour off in the middle of each day and having a bath. Do you see it would be pretty ridiculous for me to tell people I absolutely don't have an hour's free time every day, because I choose to spend that time bathing.

What I'm getting is an hour free time. What I'm then trying to tell people is "I have no free time, I bathe in that hour."

The online shop, is another evening job. So is setting out clothes for the morning. You only do them during the day because you've got hours upon hours of free time to yourself.

Since September I've had two suspensions. Three bouts of illness. Multiple SENCO meets. The under assessment child has a new ISP to go through and another letter I need to get to his doctor. All 3 of my DC are still up, joy. Hence I'm sat up now, as they each take turn to wander downstairs. But it's a weekend tomorrow, so hey ho, pick my battles. These examples aren't to knee jerk a silly defense and "have a medal" how about step back, oh, someone with very similar life demands, yet 30hrs less than me, is seemingly coping. They're nothing extraordinary. I'm nothing extraordinary. So hang on, why is there such disparity?

At the moment you have no acceptance that nearly everything you fill your day with is a standard task you can do with DC around. You just do none of these with DC around so have engrained in yourself that you can't. If most can, including those with more difficult circumstances, then at some point you must be able to reflect that you aren't that extraordinary that you can't.

This is all about time management. A PP said, because you've got that amount of time, you've grown to make it take that long. I've got 2 bedwetters too. Firstly, puppy pads, if you don't know what I mean, Google them, very helpful under sheets as an extra layer if you've got expensive mattresses. Secondly you spend an hour a week on one set of bed changes. Longer sometimes if you're going it twice. There's only 4 of you. And 3 of those are kid beds. That's forever. Because you've gotten used to forever to do it.

For me? As I'm getting DC up, if pjs are wet, I hoik the bedding off there and then with their PJ's. Also one cabin bed and two bunk. It's one minute max. Carry it downstairs and chuck in machine. Make breakfast then switch on waking machine as they eat. Twenty seconds to leave the dining room and do that. When I get home, yank out of machine, into tumble. Bedtime, DC come up with me and sit on the floor with a toy while I make the bed. 5 mins per bed. Probably fighting over said toy.

Again, without "oooh get you" why not see this is very normal, very achievable, and exactly what you could do. More importantly zero of the hours during the school day used to do it. And yes, my DC are winding each other up as well, not grinning like the Von Trapps.

I actually had a day off today. I've polished all the stone in the kitchen. Been to the butchers. Had a pootle around a few shops. Popped to see an elderly relative. All leisure time. Then, since DC have been home, I've done 3 loads of washing, filled out some school forms, done tea, placed an online order for the weekend, renewed the car insurance, emailed the aerial man... alongside the parenting. Which tonight, no, wasn't a walk in the park. Hence still I'm up and on social media at midnight.

If you did your chores when every one else does them, you'd soon see what an inordinate amount of time you have to yourself each day. Seriously, do it, because you're wasting away your free time predominantly on little evening jobs.

I have 2 other small children to think about (3 kids under 7 if you remember) and they all want to spend time with me after school as does the SEN one and as do I so there is not time to do chores on an evening when I take into account being with them, homework, dinner then it takes a long time for bed times doing all 3 added with the SEN not settling till 10pm most nights. 2 of the evenings we are out due to clubs. My children and I have an incredibly tight and loving relationship so we actually want to be with each other after school.
When they wet the beds (I have puppy pads) it is full blown the actual duvets inside are wet too. The hour of bed changing was taking into account the stripping, washing, changing and putting that wash away. The kids beds are full sized beds not toddler beds. But well done you for waving your magic wand and doing it all faster than someone can blink.
I do stuff when they are around when I have run out of time and try to get them to help but it’s like they have an alert button to mummy not being there so within 2 minutes they want me for something or WW3 kicks off so no I can’t carry on doing what I’m doing when I have to stop that.

Honestly I think there are some people on here have really poor comprehension skills

@TeaDoesntSolveEverything is effectively a single parent of 3 with a 'D'H who just blows in every few weekends. A Disney dad who doesn't actually help

Honestly OP I think you are doing brilliantly. I would not be able to cope with what you have to do. It sounds like your DH has no clue what you have to do. Could you leave for a week or 2 and see how he coped?

I think most actual single parents would love to have someone else paying all the bills.

If she's going to leave her husband to do childcare for 2 weeks, perhaps she should try stepping into his shoes too and going to work for that time and being solely responsible for the finances. Sounds like they would both benefit from seeing eachother's perspective.

You are totally entitled to feel over whelmed and he was wrong to dismiss your comment and invalidate your feelings.

I do think it's hard for those of us with 3 kids/kids with SEN who are in school who also work full time to understand why it isn't possible to get all the jobs done in school hours and have some time to yourself as it does seem like there should be enough hours in the day.

But none of that means you can't feel over whelmed and vent to your H who should be understanding.