DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

*especially those of us who are single parents

As a practical suggestion, given how young your children are, if they're wetting the bed, they're clearly just not ready to be out of pull-ups at night. Put them back in pull-ups, no, you only have to change the bed if they leak. Many 6yo are in pull-ups overnight.

I think the passive aggressive ‘we actually want to be together after school’ is another example of the digs I don’t feel comfortable with. All parents want to be with their children after school, and even if we work, we’re tight with our children and we can manage to put a two minute wash on while also being present. think @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleasesounds like a good and present mum. She just also happens to work.

If you don’t feel capable of having a job, that’s okay OP. It’s not anyone on here that you owe any sort of explanation to. It’s your life. It does sound like you need a good conversation with your husband and to listen to each other though. Good luck

@FlippersOrFins I do actually know quite a few single parents who have their bills paid for by their ex. The exes tended to have high powered jobs, travelled a lot. The woman giving up her career so that he could progress in his.

I also know quite a few married couples with 3 DC, school age where the woman was a SAHP and now a house wife and the man travels a lot for work. They employ a cleaner and baby sitters so the woman can do her own thing occasionally.

The point of this thread is that OP is married and she needs more support and recognition from her DH. It sounds that he is mainly absent and unappreciative.
If he finds it stressful being the sole breadwinner, well he should raise it and make meaningful strides to change his job so it enables both of them to work. He hasn't.

Why are all of you who work full time on a board for SAHP ripping the OP to shreds? This post isn’t for you so move on and don’t give advice. If it was about tea drinkers and you only frank coffee you wouldn’t say I can’t relate as I only drink coffee, you kid wouldn’t comment 🙈

leave those who can sympathise with her to do so and find your own support group. OP would be yours 🤷‍♀️

@CoffeeMakesTheWorldBetterit popped up in active, didn’t even see the board. The majority of people have been supportive. No one has said they can’t relate - parenting is tough, however you cut it, and especially when one parent has to work away or have a long commute. An echo chamber isn’t good either- the main thing I like about Mumsnet is seeing opinions outside of my bubble. It would be a really boring and unhelpful thread if everyone just said ‘yep I like coffee’ when there are other perspectives

To me, this comes down to mental load and ability to sleep uninterrupted. Everything is harder, takes more time and moves more slowly, when a person is mentally exhausted and not getting enough sleep. Parenting a child who has additional needs is relentless and exhausting - few people will volunteer to help out with childcare, to give parents a break.
OP can't relax when her dc are in school because there's no guarantee they'll be settled for the day - being 'on duty' all the time is exhausting. I think that having a husband who is at home every night makes a big difference psychologically - you know that if you really need it, support is there! For OP it isn't!

Working away from home ft and being solely financially responsible is also hard, no doubt. But at night the husband can rest and sleep - he has time to recharge and no parental responsibilities.

Long term, I don't think this is sustainable - he's a married man who has children and at some point he needs to actually do some parenting or his kids will grow up and he'll be a stranger to them.

I would like to know what people like Fortnum do for childcare during holidays.

Your kids need to be in nighttime pull ups.

I realise OP has abandoned the thread but in case you’re still reading, OP - As single parent to a child with Autism, I have to do EVERYTHING you listed, ON TOP of a job and being SOLELY financially responsible for absolutely everything! I do sympathise with you, honestly I do, your husband is a dick who has clearly orchestrated this working away business so he doesn’t have to deal with your kids & meltdowns etc which is heartbreaking. However you have to remember that whilst you absolutely are busy all day every day, everyone else has to also do the domestic jobs on top of a job and like I said, some of us also have the added stress of SEN DC like you also. You’re not the only one

So your child can cope in school/childcare setting? Or you have family to help? OPs child can't always cope in school. Neither can mine. No boss is going to say yeah it's fine if you leave early 4 times a week/ oh you can only work for an hour today (and yesterday and the day before).
So if your child can cope or you have family to help you are not in the same situation as OP

Sounds to me like you need to go away on a relaxing break for a week and leave him solo with the kids so he learns to appreciate what you do.