DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

You sounds like you are stuck in a vicious cycle of exhaustion. on the face of it, having 5 hours a day to yourself (even if parenting a SEN child) shouldn't leave you quite so "behind".

You say your friends have offered to help. Chances are they have realised you are struggling and genuinely mean it. Well, why not take them up on it rather than not wanting to impose?

I suspect that having a bit of a break to recharge, or someone to help you get through your list of tasks might make everything feel that bit less overwhelming?

I expect next time he has some annual leave you’ll need to go away for a few days so he can see for himself how easy your life is with all that time to laze around…

I get what everyone is saying - and I agree, OP's life would not be easy, with three small children one of which has higher needs. But why she is in this situation? Her husband could be chilling after work etc etc - but he is earning money to support 5 people and pay for the house! His is the only income this family has. They obviously have a very old school set up, where she is supposed to do the "home" stuff and he is earning money. They could either change the situation to where they both work and pay for childcare, or she works and he stays at home (if she could earn enough). Or get an Au pair/ nanny. But I doubt this would happen, somehow. I would also imagine if husband stops travelling he would earn considerably less and the whole family would feel the impact.

I would also say she should not be volunteering if it means she hasn't got enough time to do essential stuff for the house/ kids or even have a decent rest.

I would tell him to take a week off work during a busy term time week and let him look after everything while you go away for a week to "look for a job". I would also inform him that in order for you to work, which you would absolutely love to, he needs to return to working full time in the UK and living in the family home full time to equally share parenting responsibilities. I would imagine thst would stop his moaning. If it didn't I would tell him to fuck off and not bother coming back ever.

Sorry but everything you’ve described is exactly what many of us have to do alongside full time work.

Five hours to yourself whilst they’re in school to put a wash on and sort uniforms? 🤣 that is not a hardship.

The extra burden in your head will be coming from having a useless, absent, judgemental husband.

He could have been more sympathetic but he obviously doesn't understand what your life is like. From his point of view you have lots of lovely time with your kids, do the community stuff you enjoy, have nobody telling you what to do and no pressure to earn money. Is there any way you can get him to see what it's like for you? If he had to take the load for a week, say, while you went somewhere?

Your DP sounds utterly selfish.

Tell him yes you’ll GLADLY get a job but he needs to either do some of the child/house work himself or pay to outsource 50% of it with a nanny/cleaner/housekeeper

This is kind of true though. Doesn’t change the fact you have a useless selfish twat of a husband…

20 hours a week is what she’s got to ‘laze around’. Her DH doesn’t have that as he’s out working full time

“Selfish” is a bit of a stretch. I think it’s unlikely he enjoys being away from his family for huge amounts of time. But presumably he’s financially rewarded for this, which means OP can, in a way, not afford to work.

He needs to try to understand the massive load you are dealing with. That said, I do think you should probably quit the community thing, unless it is truly helping you mentally. You have to put yourself first not the service users. That will give you a little bit of time back.

you should try to help him understand why it isn’t possible for you to get a job under these circs.

Did you read the bit about income from her own rental property keeping her afloat?

Definitely this ^^^ 👏👏👏👏

I would keep the community thing. I think it's probably psychologically healthy to have something outside the family/home.

his head is so far up his arse he’ll probably never see how wrong he is but I hope you at least know how wrong he is OP!

I have one child with no SEN who I was a SAHM to for the first three years. Now I am back to work full time in a very intense and demanding job and every day I laugh at how much of a holiday it is compared to full time solo parenting!

sending you lots of love, you’re doing amazingly, xx

Sorry you have such a horrible husband.

I do sympathise, however, I wonder why you chose to have 3 kids with a man who is barely there?
All I can offer is that hopefully it will get easier as they get older and ask your DH to take the burden off you at weekends and do something in the community then.

He’s an absolute twat, sorry OP

If you move this post to the SEN boards you will get answers from people in similar situations, not snippy people calculating your free time from your posts and responding in resentment (when they have nothing at all to be jealous of).

I hear you OP. I have two school age children, one with high needs SEN. He is my full time job, not just when he’s home but when he’s at school, researching equipment and therapies, having endless Zoom meetings with various agencies, doing disability benefit admin, tidying up after him, doing DIY to sort out the damage he causes regularly to our home. If I go up for a short nap one or two afternoon a week before the school run I feel absolutely no guilt because the minute his feet touch our driveway we are off again. And I also have a younger DC who needs my time, energy and love. There’s also the entire mental load of our family running through my mind 24/7 and endless meal planning and inventory of food that all mums will recognise.

Your brain and body are doing enough, and you don’t need to justify yourself to ANYONE let alone the person who agreed to be bound to you, legally, and should be walking this road with you hand in hand.

Eh? He presumably has at least 5 hours every evening, plus the entire weekend, to ‘laze around’ - because he has zero day-to-day responsibilities outside of his job. The OP doesn’t get weekends off, or even the relief of sharing parenting with her husband then - because he’s not there. She doesn’t get a lie-in, or the opportunity to meet a friend for coffee, or another adult to chat with as they take the kids to the park. It’s relentless, and adding a job on top of that just seems completely unrealistic.

What does he have to be frustrated about? He’s barely ever there. Maybe if he was he’d have a handle on the needs of the children and his wife’s frailties.

OP has a passive income from a rental property so she’s not completely dependent on him. In your shoes @TeaDoesntSolveEverything I’d consider whether this life is sustainable. I imagine it must be almost harder to have a part-time husband than be a single parent. Consider what life would look like if you were on your own.

OP does have help, inasmuch as the children are in school all day.

Do any of your children have SEN? Does your partner come home every night? If the answers are no and yes you already have an easier life than OP.
Did you bother to read what she said or did you just want to kick someone when they're already down?
You can always become a SAHM if it means that much to you.

Agreed I think this probably is something that helps keep OP connected to another purpose other than being a mum. I think you need to ask/get/pay for extra help wherever possible OP. If money is not issue get the cleaner any thing else that will help you out? Outsource anything you can? Big clap to the person who said he needs to move home and help you if wants you to get a job.

How far away is the school? If it is more than two miles, you probably qualify for school transport.