DH said “but you don’t have a job”

[TeaDoesntSolveEverything]

I don’t really know if I’m offloading here or wanting advice on what to say back. At Christmas I said to DH how overwhelmed and exhausted I was and how I was so behind with things and he responded “why, you don’t have a job.” It’s now February and I’m still so upset by it and feel each thing I do during the day I’m building in my head of “and this is why it’s non stop busy all the time”.
To put this into context, I am now a SAHM of 3 under 7s, one of which is autistic. DH works away and was only home at weekends and it’s always been like that but now works abroad and only home here and there and it’s been like that for 1.5 years. We have no family help. Friends offer to help but I feel a burden accepting as my kids are very energetic and the autistic one has a lot of melt downs which are tough for anyone not used to it including my DH. As it’s always me they all get very upset being away from me too and play up for anyone looking after them as they are small and don’t vocalise feelings of missing me. The smallest always used to get upset stomachs if I left them.
After a few days I brought up how upset the comment made me feel and DH replied he didn’t mean it like that and it’s more what am I doing for others that means I’m not finding time to clean the house, have time to myself etc. I do something one day a week for others that needs half a day prep the day before but his comment defending himself made me feel even worse as he just can’t see how busy it is doing everything alone, all the club runs too for 3 kids. The autistic one cannot switch off at night and is normally still awake wanting me for reassurance until 9.30/10 if not later each night.
Even though financially we are ok he also wants me to get an actual job again which I just can’t see how I can cope with. I had to give up my successful career just before having my second as I had a breakdown due to finding my first borns life was in danger with his childminder (she was reported to Ofsted over it). He pays all the bills now but I have a rental income which just about floats me each month.
I guess I’ve always felt invisible as to what I do as when he used to come home at weekends he would sleep in both days as he was tired from work and not think how tired I was solo parenting during the week and being up so many times at night feeding babies etc.
How do I go about being seen or am I best to just give myself a slap and carry on and realise it’s never going to change. Just feeling totally broken physically and mentally.

Your delightful DH needs reminding that he can only swan off doing his very important job because of the sacrifices you have made. He has 3 kids including one that cannot cope with change and it is your actions that allow him to live as he wishes and prioritise his career.

Then the next time he is home you get up early and walk out of the door with a cheerful “see you later” and go do something fun, or book a premier inn and sleep all day. Stay overnight if you can. Then when you get home act as if nothing has happened. He’ll soon zip it.

I’m not doing. But op’s financial situation doesn’t sound great either if she is living off her rental income.

And op’s dh doesn’t sound as if he is helping much at weekends either. It’s difficult to see what this man brings to the table exactly?

At least as a single parent you have more freedom and autonomy to run your life the way you want it within the confines of parenting. I would far prefer that to being married to a selfish arse who doesn’t understand his responsibilities as a family man.

He has no idea how hard your life is because he doesn't parent your kids. I agree with others that he needs to spend a week or 2 just him and them. I also think that him working abroad sounds unsustainable- he can't have much of a relationship with any of you if he is away all the time, and it doesn't sound like he earns enough to justify that. If he was home so you were sharing the parenting load you might be able to work as well.

I’m a single working mum of 3, two of whom have SEN. They all do clubs in the evening. I get up at 5am every day to do household chores before they get up for school, and I’m up until 10.30pm in the evenings getting uniform, packed lunches etc ready for school. It doesn’t change the fact that your DH is completely oblivious and uncaring, but it is possible to work with 3 kids and no help.

Your DH didn't approach the issue sensitively. But he's got a point.

You have a huge amount of free time compared with someone who is working. You'd have even more if you didn't drive your children to school. I do understand that PT work to fit into school hours might be difficult to find but most of us use or have used after school clubs and childninders.

You and your DH need to sort out your priorities though. He needs to be at home more.

You should get your kids to help out more, OP. Breakfast things can be cleared away by kids and they can learn how to put laundry on and put clothes away. My kid is 3 and we tell her to pop her things on the counter, pack away toys, put rubbish in the bin and wipe the table. It takes time to be on it and keep at it, sometimes I think that it would be faster if I did some of these things when I just want it done, but that’s not setting her up to be aware of chores and helping out.

Is healways that thoughtless and dismissive??

I think you should work part time if all the children are school aged. However, before you do this your husband he needs a job where he’s home during the week, not just at weekends.

I agree, you don't currently have the bandwidth to volunteer (or work). Something to think about is why has his comment bothered you and why do you need to feel that he 'sees' what you do, you see what you do. But then I'm divorced, twice🤣

I would imagine you accept all of this in exchange for a good financial situation and a home your husband provides? What would your life be like if he earned less?

I have no solution for this as clearly you have a situation where he works his arse off to earn money and you work your arse off with 3 kids you both decided to have - a situation which you obviously both agreed to somehow. From what you are saying, you are happy not to/ can not/ dont need to work, you have a privileged situation where you can volunteer and have 5 hours a day free... All I would say is maybe talk to him and get him to apologise. Or better still, find a part time job.

If your DH divorced you, how would you manage financially, you would be expected to work with all kids in school. If you can volunteer, you can work.

He comes home here and there? I mean he has a nice easy life!!
I am for women working and I did it as a single mum of two and one child with a health need that sometimes meant things were dropped last minute for emergencies, but work was important and having been divorced I’d never rely on a man again. His comment was ill thought out but he feels that maybe you do have 5 hours each day in between schools ( the voluntary thing is your choice ) and saying your behind on things is frustrating for him when you don’t have work to consider?
when he's next home carve up the time and give all the responsibilities for half of that an consider yourself working part time if only to get some financial independence from him

Plenty of people work and have 3 children in primary school. Then they do school drop offs, pick ups, cook, clean and add value to society around those things.

You don’t have a job in the traditional sense. You’re fortunate to be a SAHM.

”Running the house” (one of my non-working friend’s favourite phrases 😂) is just what so many people do plus all the drudgery of kids/life/work.

This.
It's very telling that this is where he goes too. I had this with my ex- me doing something for people outside him and the kids enraged him, but it energised me.

Does he ever look after the kids alone for a weekend? That's step one. He'll never be surprised you're exhausted again.

He was insensitive and tactless, but see it from his perspective - can you not understand a little why he’s frustrated? What exactly do you do whilst all three kids are at school?

Never depend on anyone financially, so for this reason alone consider looking for a job. Also his resentment may grow over time which will lead to other problems.

Do you have an autistic child and three under 7?!

I am a bit surprised at the responses saying that the day and a half spent doing the community thing needs to stop as it takes up too much time.

Surely then a f/t job would be a non starter

Tell dh that he is right that looking after the house and dc isn’t really a job and whilst you were upset when he said it you have been thinking about it and realise how much easier it would be for you if you resumed your career

After all going out to work would mean you too could stay in bed sleeping during the weekend and have no responsibility for dc during the week.

Then I would ask him what he thought you could do with dc.

I had virtually this exact conversation with exh. He assumed I would still be looking after dc keeping house clean, laundry done food in the cupboard etc

I pointed out that if he expected me to do it then he could also do it or we shared the non job things

I also pointed out that he would need to change his job to be physically in the country to do that

Or we could divorce and he would have dc for 3/or 4 days per week

He never mentioned it again.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but just in case it hasn’t already been said, I suggest that you tell him to take a week’s holiday from his work to walk a mile in your shoes, whilst you leave him to it, preferably leaving the country. Alternatively, detail what you do daily to him and ask him whether he could do that as well as holding down a job outside the house. If you go out to work, does he think a nanny/housekeeper should replace what you do in the home and for your children?

As @Pipsquiggle says above, “Does he know that having a job is easier than childcare?
He needs to recognise that it's his career choice that is stopping you working outside the home."

This, you both need to be based in the same place. Get help in with kids. Restart your career.

Read ‘Lessons from a default parent’, and then pass to your husband to read. It’s new.

He brings paying all the bills to the table.

And OP could choose to become a single parent but then she'd definitely have to get a job.

I think these things are always difficult, as neither of you really understand the other person's perspective. Your DH may feel he is carrying the financial load but you are definitely carrying the mental load.

I would try describing your 'shifts' to DH:

• Morning shift 6:30-9:30am. Childcare, driving, food prep etc
• Afternoon shift 2:30-9:30pm. As above plus emotional support
• Daytime shift ?3 hours 3x per week. Cleaning, life admin (insert very long list of responsibilities)
• On call duties - 24/7. Actually called on ?2x per week e.g. to rush to school, in the night time

Presumably when he works away, he gets evenings to himself to do waht he wants and be responsible for no-one. He also has the luxury of getting ready by himself. If he is free say 7pm-11pm every night, that is nearly as much 'free' time as you, and he probably doesn't spend much of it cleaning, or paying the car tax, or talking to the school.

I know there are others who juggle being a single parent to 3 kids whilst working full time. Good on them. You only need to worry about equality in your marriage, not with everyone else.

Edited to add: I missed he is away most weekends too. Then he DEFINITELY has more free time than you!

OP has 3 under 7 - one is autistic - but all are in school

Explain to him that if it wasn't for you doing all of the work at home (yes, that is work), he wouldn't have been able to have his career.

Make a suggestion that you find part time work but let him know that will mean him being at home for the children on those days. He'll soon change his tune.

My husband used to travel a lot of work. I'm sure there are hard parts in between client dinners but it is a very different kind of hard to raising the children which is bloody relentless. Try not to take what he said to heart, he obviously doesn't think. Sit him down and ask him how many days he thinks he can give up for childcare.

You need to accept some help from a friend or family perhaps whilst kids are at school so you can leave the house and gather your thoughts.I'd work out a list of what your challenges are. I'd then arrange a time to speak to your dh and calmly go through the list and see how it can be tackled. If he gets defensive etc. then you need decide whether he is worth having in your life or not.

You also need to be kind to yourself. With 3 kids and a dh who works away I would want food deliveries, I would want a cleaner at least once a week. I would limit the amount of clubs the children do to one or two each. I would accept help from family or friends even if that means you take your autistic child with you but leave the other two for an hour or so every other week. The community thing you do is not something I would consider giving up as you enjoy it but you can make your life easier in other ways.