Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

Stop and have a reality check.why is it always women giving things up
Why is your career the one to slide, why do you have to give things up.
Do not give up your career on a misplaced sense of duty and having to be at School gates
You’ll be overwhelmed with affirmative anecdotes as to why you should give up work,as it’s expected that’s what mums do
I work ft collect kids 6 don’t drop off, it works.contrary to popular my kids are happy,well adjusted, and attached
Don’t give up your career, be a role model to your kids,work. Demonstrate mum doesn’t have to give stuff up

I agree, but equally there are many who love being at home with their children (male and female). I am one of those and I am still a wonderful role model for my children

Don’t give up your career, be a role model to your kids,

Hard to know where to start with this.... It's just as offensive - and just as crap - as saying "don't dump your kids with someone who doesn't love them. Be a good mother and take care of them".

Everyone's circumstances are different. For some people, being a good role model means working. For others, it means not working. And the best person to judge that for you is....well, you. Because you are uniquely well placed so to do.

I didn’t leave just a job, by staying at home I gave up my financial independence, lost the power to walk off when he became nasty and now that he is gone, I cannot provide for DS as I would have to if I had kept my job.

By staying at home I also let go of my career, which was incidentally my passion and a huge part of my identity. I also got bored to the point of depression.

You would say that on the positive side of it, I spent a lot of time with DS baking, going to parks and to parties. He doesn’t remember ANYTHING of those 3 years.

Becoming a SAHM is the one and only decision I referee in my life.

Men simply don’t have these giving up career convos.they leave that to women
Do not sleepwalk into giving up career on a notion of being there
You are not lesser parent if you're not at schoolgate.parenting isn’t a being there competition

I've been a SAHM for 14 years - every since Dd1 came into my life I knew I couldn't go back to work.

We have 4DC and 2 Ddogs and other pets.

I have never regretted being home.

I still have a DC4 at home most of the time (he does a few hours at preschool).

My DH has an international role and is away a lot.

There isn't a right or a wrong way but for me being a SAHM is the best way to be.

Men simply don’t have these giving up career convos.they leave that to women

Some do. As time goes by and economic factors become more pressing and more women are in higher education and higher paid professions.....then more will.

It's incredibly patronising to suggest people "sleepwalk" into deciding not to go back to work. As I keep repeating, people have babies in very different circumstances. The economics that work brilliantly for you may not do for someone else. The things which are really important to you on a personal level may not be for someone else.

I really thought I would want to be a SAHM but when we had my son it was a 'surprise' and it wasn't financially viable. However, I am so glad I have continued to work. Work gives me a real sense of purpose and accomplishment that is different to my job as a mum. I get the most out of being a mum of and it's the most fulfilling thing I have ever done and my son and I are very close. For me, I think I really enjoy in a way I think I would find more difficult if I didn't work too. That said, I work in a lovely place with really fantastic people and sure I would feel different otherwise. Also I am incredibly fortunate to have a lot of family support and would find it much more difficult to work as much as I do otherwise. I'm sure I wouldn't have regretted being a SAHM but it would be different

When people say their dc don't remember anything I think that we shouldn't underestimate what they do remember. I remember my mum being around a lot when I was a small child and I was lucky that my dad just worked up the road so was home for tea at 5.30. My relationship with my parents has always been very close.

I gave up my career - at the time it would have been too expensive to consider childcare and my role was not one that could have been part time. My youngest is now 17 and with all the flexible working options that are more available I really wish I had been able to go back part time. Even though it feels heartbreaking to leave your babies with a childminder or nursery, they won't be any worse off - they will probably enjoy it and to be honest, they won't remember most of it. I don't exactly regret being a SAHM because I enjoyed it for the most part, but now the children are grown up and looking back on it, I should have stayed employed. It's a very difficult decision and depends a lot on your own circumstances and career options.

We've spent over £50k in childcare over the years to keep me working. Worth every penny. I managed sports days, school plays easy enough with a bit of juggling of hours.
DC do grow up quickly, but it's still great to be away from them at times. FWIW I actually feel children benefit from seeing their parents work and learning they have to fit in as a small part of a bigger picture. I also think, with hindsight, they need you more as teenagers.

I've heard teens need you lots - my vague plan is to work FT for a few years now they're at primary school with the aim of negotiating flexi or PT but on a higher pay grade in a few years.

Teens need to chat. And not at set times. It can be driving them to clubs or school or whatever though. Most people I know work f/t fine with teens but have some flexibility in their hours and take weekends/days off.

On the fence here. I'm one of three sisters, all got good degrees from top universities and all went on to have good careers initially. I was a SAHM for a few years more out of necessity because in those days (25 years ago) there wasn't the range of childcare there is now, not in my area anyway. Then my H buggered off with his secretary, and I haven't had a career type job since, but have remarried and have worked p/t for the past few years in a job that I absolutely love but pay is rubbish and no status. I have 3 DC and I agree that teens are surprisingly needy. I have a great relationship with mine, well I think so, not sure they'd agree Anyway my sisters both have amazing careers, travel the world, etc etc. And must admit sometimes I think 'that should be me'. But they have fleeting relationships with their children who seem resentful of their success rather than proud. And this applies to their views of high flying dads too so it's not sexist stereotyping. Also both sisters actually seem really unhappy but they don't admit it. At family gatherings I watch them try to outdo each other with their amazingness. I guess we are all a little bit envious of each other. On balance, I have no regrets.

I do not regret it in the slightest.

No way. No.

The time when your children I young is so valuable and minuscule. Working life can be 50 years! I re-trained while they were young via the OU. But I was young enough to start again (ie under 70)

Not one single regret and boy do I feel the reward now.

I don't think it's about what you remember. More about how your moulded but you don't appreciate that because you can't specifically quantify or qualify what has happened in those years.

Teenagers really do need you in the background a lot. They need to feel safe and accountable consistently. I adore my teenagers and have the best relationship with mutual respect. They now support me in my work and value it and so help around the house and with the younger children.

Its so difficult and hindsight is a wonderful thing

Working can be anywhere from amazing fulfilling career to working in a job you hate.
I worked very PT when mine were little - 11/12 and had 3 mat leaves in 6 years.
We had very flexible hours and this made all the difference in being able to keep working and still have a good family life.
We are a 24/7 culture now so why are working hours still bound by 9-5 or more likely 7-7 ?
Am through to having teens/young adults and they really benefitted from us being senior,well paid and being able to negotiate flexibilty as a result.
Now looking at early retirement while several of my colleagues are having to work until they drop as they gave up and dont have enough pension contributions as a result.
They are very bitter and those whose DHs benefitted from having them home and are now divorcing doubly so.
Its not patronising to suggest they "sleep walked"into this -they agree they didnt consider the future.
I would say always have a plan ( as far as possible) as life can take unexpected turns.
As for giving up work so that DC have a parent collecting from school and homemade food (does anyone actually have a cook ? ) this pefectly possible for many WOH families.

I’m in a similar situation to you and have considered staying at home because working just won’t pay, as all my salary will go on childcare for the next year.

However, as much as I love and enjoy time with my kids (8 months and 3.5), I think I could really do with being me for a few days a week, and I used to really enjoy my job eveb got a little buzz from it and from meeting new people.

Also I remember being a kid and how excited I was when my grandad used to pick me up from school, he used to drive me around in his pea green mini and had a glove box of sweets waiting. Inever forget those days and had an amazing bond with nana and grandad. I think it will be lovely for my two to have the opportunity to have this experience to.

Good luck with whatever you decide works best for you, one thing I would say is if you go back and it really feels wrong you can always change your mind xx

Part time work is the way to go.... if you can find it. Best of both worlds

It is really hard to make a decision that suits you now and for all future circumstances, and very hard not to have regrets of some kind where your dc are concerned. That’s why I feel we’re lucky to have part time work options - I’m a natural fence sitter though!

I think it really depends on the role -somtimes you end up doing a 5 day job in 4 days plus end up being default for chores
Having said that I gradually increased my hours and it worked well.
Obvs life happens and you cant mitigate everything .

I’ve managed to tweak and nudge my career to the point that I do every school run, and fit work around school hours and the children being in bed. so I get the same time with them as I would if I was a sahm but also get build a really interesting career. No regrets at all, it’s a very busy life, but it suits me.

It’s not just divorce that could leave you financially vulnerable- dH redundancy, ill health etc could all leave you exposed.

It is worth noting though that judges are increasingly reluctant to award spousal maintenance once you have children of school age.

It’s also a bit astonishing to see so many people smugly declaring their other half would “never” do xyz. Go read the relationships threads. Never say never. People can change, hurt can change people. I thought my DH loved his children so much he wouldn’t drem of making them suffer. I thought that too. Could have been me posting on here. Ha. so bloody glad I worked and could support us when he lied to CMS....

Also, bear in mind that the expensive nursery years are short. And even when you aren’t really getting any money after childcare, don’t forget about things like pension contributions etc which mean you actually are “making” money still.

I gave up my career as a lawyer, to be a sahm following maternity leave.

I don’t regret it, though it’s relevant that I didn’t like my firm/job any more so wanted to leave anyway. I also had/have my own money. Not endless amounts obviously but enough to get by for now.

I also never felt comfortable with nursery for my dd while she was young, she’ll be starting soon at 3. We don’t have family help, and I wanted to look after her in her early years. There’s no reason why it has to be the woman that does this, but as I wanted to leave my career for various reasons and wanted to care for my dd, it was the obvious choice.

However, I have found it lonely at times, and I couldn’t believe how quickly people start to judge/ think you’re a nobody/lazy when you’re not working, even though looking after a toddler is much harder work! That I found a bit depressing tbh. Before I was a parent I thought it would be great to be a ‘lady of leisure’ ha! Maybe it’s a bit of that.

In the end I organically found flexible work I can do from home or office, so I’m doing this now. It’s crap pay but it’s a small business/start up rather than being under appreciated. we’re okay financially and it’s sustainable if We have another child whilst also allowing me to do pick ups etc. Dh’s job allows him to be a bit flexible (albeit not on a daily basis) so he can help out too and/or hopefully I’ll get the odd bit of time to myself.

I wouldn’t hesitate to stay in a job I loved though and fully support women doing whatever feels right for them and their family.

My dcs are 12 and 10 and looking back, keeping my job/careee has been the best decision. It hasn’t been easy - we relocated due to dh’s job when they were 4 and 2 and it was really hard for me to find work, plus of course those early years of expensive childcare and constant illnesses are a nightmare of daily survival, however they do pass in the blink of an eye, and a few years down the line life will look v different. The happy days of playgroups and parks evolve into non stop chores, driving kids back and forth, cooking/cleaning/shouting after them etc.

I am so glad I am financially independent, my dh is not under the strain of having to support the family alone (which means we have a much more equal, partnering marriage), I will have a pension and most importantly I have my own identity. So many women really struggle with sah once their kids grow up and after 10/15 years outside the workforce it’s very rare to be able to find decent employment.