Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

If you currently do FT with 2 days WFH, would PT, with 1 day WFH be possible? So that only one or two days in the office?

I have no regrets about giving up my career to be a SAHM. I had my children very close together and it made sense for us as a family for me to be at home.
That said, my husband and I often discussed whether the balance was right and whether this arrangement still worked for us.
I am fortunate in that we were in a strong financial position.
I had no family support at all and to be honest if I had, I would have kept working part-time for longer.
Over the years, I've done further study and volunteering which has led to new opportunities for me. My youngest is in his final year at school and I'm looking forward to an exciting and interesting future ahead for me.
I can't remember who said 'Women can have it all - just not all at the same time' and I would say that sums up my situation pretty well.
I think that if you can 'keep your hand in' at work, that's probably the sensible thing to do but I am so grateful for the years at home with my children.
I would also add that in my experience the teenage years can be the time your children need you most, especially the high pressure exam years. If you can manage some flexibility and balance at home, it makes all the difference.
Finally, whatever you decide, don't waste any time feeling guilty. Do what's right for you and your family and enjoy it!

Bluntness ok if that's the case my dh would ensure that me and the kids were ok.
I am prepared to take that risk. He doesn't make decisions lightly and waited 28 years for the right woman (me) to come along.

I don't regret it. We are fortunate that we can afford to live well on one salary and that being the case it didn't make sense to me to pay for someone else to raise my children.
I have a fulfilling and busy life. My family are all very happy with the setup and I'm far happier than I was working in my well paid but rather mundane job.

Sorry but anyone who just trusts that their husband would see them right if they split up is living in fairy land. The whole point of separating is that something has changed so how can you possibly trust that they will voluntarily hand over cash they don't have to, because they will think it's a nice thing to do. I'm all for optimism but that's being scarily naive.

Anyone that marries a man whom they feel they couldn't trust in a break up is a fool.

I think it's relevant that you work in marketing.

My very good friend worked in marketing and have up a good career after having 2 children very close together. She wanted to be at home but the financial side (commute plus 2 x child care costs) was the main driver. That was about 2005.

She started looking to get back to work about 3 or 4 years ago. Every marketing position she was going for wanted experience of digital marketing / social media etc and she had none. The industry had completely overhauled during her absence.

It's taken 3-4 years of really poor work / volunteering / endless applications for her to find something.

So just be realistic about what you're giving up and whether you'd be prepared to retrain / do something different / work for less pay if you do decide to take time out.

There's no right answer and do what works for your family, but be aware how quickly you become out of date in an industry such as marketing.

I gave up my job to raise my three children.
I didn't have a career as such but had a good job and lots of experience.
It's 18 years give or take since I worked in the job I was trained for.
Now it's time for me to go back to work (could really do with the money) but I don't have the skill set needed nor the confidence to retrain.
I feel trapped and redundant I'm 51.

I don't think any job beats being at home with your children, I don't miss work one bit I feel more than fulfilled with my family

It has been the right thing for us as a family.
It has been the wrong thing for me as an individual.

*By giving up, you're giving up a lot more than just your career, your giving up financial independence, reducing your families over all standard of living, and giving up your future career path, as well as possibly drastically reducing your pension.

Some are ok with that, me, nope, not my bag. Kids are young only for a short period.*

^This. In spades.

Plus, keeping up with my career is preserving a part of me that isn't about being a wife or mum. It's all MINE!

Do you still want to be at home when you’re 50? Because you might find yourself there or in very low paid work if you give up your job.
Can you go part-time? Think long term about all the benefits of working before you quit

I would give it up if you can afford to.
Your kids are young and you will never have this time with them again. Careers are not important compared to time with children.

I was a SAHM for 8 years (with 10 months of full time work for a little while) until very recently. I don’t regret it at all and have returned to the same work I was in before but at a slightly higher level due to my experience volunteering but, actually, most my experience as a parent. My children have given me the way into the career I actually really wanted (I have and now work with children with ASD) though that’s by luck not judgement!

I wouldn’t change anything, except that I wouldn’t have bothered with the full time job - I wasn’t ready, the family wasn’t ready and in hindsight it wasn’t right for any of us. Now I’m term time only and can drop off and pick up from school every day. I feel very fortunate that I’ve found my job, but also that DH was able to work really hard whilst I was at home as it’s allowed him to progress to a point where we can afford for me to earn a tiny salary doing what I love! No childcare costs helps too.

**Anyone that marries a man whom they feel they couldn't trust in a break up is a fool.

Seriously?! I don't even know where to start with this! Of course I trust my husband and wouldn't have married him if I could even comprehend the idea of us breaking up. But I'm also a grown adult who lives in the real world and knows that even the best of people can change. I really hope for your sake you never have to learn that lesson the hard way.

Your age also makes a difference. I became a SAHM but I had my kids at 34 and 36. I retrained as a childminder and have been doing this for 7 years, and I am now retraining again to become a teacher. If you like your career, stick with it as you will still be young when your kids go to secondary school. I didn't like my previous career and hated my last job, and I wouldn't go back to doing that (unless they'd give me a million squidds).

However, I have a pension, some savings, a home now worth over 1 million. So I (and DH) are financially secure. It also makes a big difference.

I am on a career break and finding it very boring and I think I'm a bit depressed. I'm looking foreard to going back to work next year as it means there is more to my life than housework and collecting children from school.

Ever since my children were aged 5 they have been going to an afterschool club until I collect them after work at 5pm. They are happy there playing with friends they have made and doing activities. I think it is actually good for them to spend a few hours there everyday before spending the evening at home. I don't feel they miss out at all if I'm at work. Some SAHMs my DC's school feel sorry for the children going to afterschool - but I feel a little sorry for the ones missing out on it.

I had a career but I found working 8am-6pm utterly knackering with little children, the best years of our life were feeling like a treadmill. I took a year's parental leave of absence and dh took a new role abroad. We could have done the year and come back, but it was just a better life for the family where we are now. I miss my work identity and feel guilty and silly that I don't use my Oxbridge degree. But then I think about today, when the little one is sick with tonsillitis and the stressing and guilt that would have caused me and I remember why we did it. I now work part time in teaching. It doesn't pay anything like my old career but it is more satisfying, interesting and I'm largely my own boss as I work on projects. In your position of hang tough and apply for part time roles.

Have never regretted the decision to be a SAHP.
When I was expecting my first, DH and I had many discussions over which one of us would be the main carer. I was earning more but we felt he had the potential to achieve the higher salary as time went on. Both our careers involved travel and staying away from home so it really didn't feel feasible that we could both continue as even a live-in nanny would not have proved adequate.
20+ years later this decision was definitely correct. DH set up his own business. I have had the flexibility to work for him when necessary andwhenhecouldaffordtopayme. I have attended, and mostly, enjoyed every school performance/match/sports day and had my best,and most enlightening, conversations on the school run. As PP said, I know my DC's friends and they know me and my house well.
I really don't think I am any more or less confident in myself.
I (and my DH) have ensured I have made financial provision for later years and have assets registered in my name.
I have got involved in organisations I like to be part of - some child related, some not.
A PP made the comment that maybe being a SAHP made it more important to make your marriage work? I'm not 100% sure but, by not doing paid work outside the home when the DC were young, I did have more time and energy to put into 'wife-work' (not cleaning, ironing or gardening though, because they are not my thing) and I could choose to meet up with interesting people, do interesting things that are fun to chat about with DH and find all his office politics etc. refreshing to discuss.
After all this positivity though, I am still not sure I will advise my DD's (or indeed, my DS) to give up work when/if a baby arrives. You need to be totally confident in the strength of your relationship and the integrity of your partner to make that leap, and a few years on MN has made me question the feasibility of that situation.

Yes seriously!

Of course you cannot predict a breakup but you can predict how a decent person would behave during a break up. If you think your husband is the type to either give up his job or entirely hide his income purely to stop providing for your children then you're a fool to have married him.

I would give it up if you can afford to.
Your kids are young and you will never have this time with them again. Careers are not important compared to time with children.

This is essentially the main thought behind my consideration for giving my job up. I'm very afraid of regretting not being with my kids more, but this thread is making me think I may regret giving up my career even more.

As someone mentioned, I am lucky that I'm still 28, so a break would still leave me relatively young, however, my field means I'll become under skilled and outdated VERY quickly. I already find 2 back to back maternity leaves have left me with a bit of a gap in my skills.

I’d like to think that financially we are secure. We have savings, life insurance, married, wills etc etc in place. I don’t particularly love my job but it’s comfortable and allows some flexibility. But not enough I guess. I’ve requested to go down to 4 days a week with 2 days at home and 2 days in the office, but employer isn’t happy about this and suggest that I only work one day from home on a 4 day contract. But I don’t know.

I don't regret it because I wanted to be with my children before school age and then for pick ups drop offs etc. It was important to me to be their main care giver . However while I wouldn't change the decision for those reasons it was harder to get back into work than I thought. Also I thought that was the expensive time of life when I wasn't working but teenagers cost a lot more than I had appreciated. Meals out are all adult meals , full price on holidays, School residentials , hobbies and uni fees, so I do need to work now which I hadn't expected. My advice would be if your gut says stay at home then do because it really does go too fast and they're not little for long. But if you can keep your hand in re training and keeping up to date in your profession then do because it'll make the return easier.

I'd keep your job, OP.

Especially as its two days at home.

I totally agree with mintbiscuit

Also in marketing. I have chosen to SAHM, but pick up freelance projects to keep my hand in. It works for us, but I think I will have to do some additional training when the youngest gets her free hours to get fully up to date again. It's tough, whatever you decide to do.