Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

maverick at last I have found someone in virtually the same position as me. It's a tough place to be so I just wanted to acknowledge you.

**Of course you cannot predict a breakup but you can predict how a decent person would behave during a break up. If you think your husband is the type to either give up his job or entirely hide his income purely to stop providing for your children then you're a fool to have married him.

But it's not about providing for kids, I'm talking about the people who assume their ex partner would make provision for THEM after they have given up their career. There's almost never a legal obligation to do so, and so very few men would. Sorry but I really do think you're naive to not believe that. Just reading through boards on here shows how many women end up utterly shafted after giving up their earning power to be a SAHM.

I couldn't cope when I gave up work for half a year during my final year at uni. The lack of intellectual stimulation made me go completely bonkers, really, and I went back ASAP. Having said that, I don't have kids.

I've also seen the marriages of several male colleagues collapse suddenly, though, after their wives went SAHM. Most notably, my former boss and his wife (formerly a high-achiever who used to out-earn him significantly) simply couldn't cope. He resigned from his (also rather high-flying) consulting career to help them adjust and took a 'normal' managerial level office job. Which didn't help. He's now being divorced and short one job he actually enjoyed...

And, no, I'm not saying that this always happens. I'm simply arguing that the shared framework that careers provide can be important in a relationship and that people, especially your classical overachievers, can and do struggle with a sudden lack of pressure.

I've also never understood the lack of intellectual stimulation reason for working. I think you get out what you put in. Plan interesting activities, it's amazing seeing the world brand new again, and you're still allowed to read the news, novels, industry publications and spend time with other clever educated shams

Yes!!!
I did what you are saying. 2 dcs in nursery meant that I was working to cover the cost and that’s it.
So I stopped and that was the worst decision I made.

First tbh I was bored to be at home. I missed the intellectual stimulation. I am actually not goo woth babaies and much prefer teenagers (,my two have now reached that age and I love it)
But more importantly it changed the whole dynamic of the relationship. I ended up stuck in a 1950s style of relationship that I hated.
I also lost my financial independence which meant that I felt I couldnt leave with the dcs were little etc etc.

Fwiw I made it work in some ways for me by retraining (so I could do the pick ups etc... ) but still dont earn nearly as much a I would have if I had carried wth my old job. I feel stuck in the relationhsip and gpfinding a better balance has been an ongoing struggle (still not acheived btw).

So my advice wouod be not never ever stop working.

I gave up for 10 years, I had waited a long time for children!
However when it came tobreturning tobthe workplace I struggled, my background was accountancy and I had been out so long it was impossible.
I accepted that I was too old to retrain,stupidly, and started a job on a pittance. I have proven that some of my transferable skills are valuable to my new employer but I will never earn what I earn before children.
That would be fine if it was a second income BUT exh left and I feel very disadvantaged.
Think long and hard

itsall for me what was missing under the ‘lack of intellectual stimulation’ was
Being able to talk to an adult, and talk about something else than nappies and sleep (so not the sort of conversations you have at toddlers groups etc...)
Being able to actually think about something else other than children/babies, learn new th8ngs etc... and no yu dint do that with a 2yo in tow or in the evening after full day looking after them. I was knackered and needed the sleep.
Being able to actually NOT be responsible for two little human beings. Being a SAHM meant that I was the one to take responsibility an made the decisions day in day out, all the time. In some ways part of being a parent (exceptbthat H could actually have taken some of that responsibility). But once you’ve done that all day every day, again, I have nothing left for myself to do something I enjoyed. I didn’t want more responsibility to try and organise x and y.
Last listening to the news isnt stimulating for me. And I have never found any ‘clever educated SAHM’ where I live. They were all working!
Stimulation for me is solving an issue, talking to people and generally being in contact with people wo hav8ng to think about the well being of a toddler at the same time!

Of course you cannot predict a breakup but you can predict how a decent person would behave during a break up. If you think your husband is the type to either give up his job or entirely hide his income purely to stop providing for your children then you're a fool to have married him

You've missed the point of the discussion, I'm sorry. It's not about child maintenance, the discussion was on spousal maintenance. Two very different things, particularly when children are over 18. I also believe that it's naive to bet your future on your husband sharing his earnings with you post divorce as spousal maintenance because he's a nice guy.

I also think it's appalling to expect it.

I'm kind of amazed at the responses. Most days I wish I could resign and be a SAHM and I thought lots of others felt the same!

What really shines through for me though is how much fulfilment and purpose others seem to get from their careers. Makes me think I must be in the wrong job.

I must admit I get a bit depressed with doing the housework and school run. I hate housework. I'm going to volunteer. Getting a job right now for my personal circumstances would be difficult but fortunately I'm in a position not to have to.

I was forced me into it after DS2 was born disabled so I can't work not as I am his carer..... I'm enjoying it but have joined his SEN schools PTA so I can use my brain a bit..... I fill out tenders etc for new equipment!!!

Yes I regret it. At the time it seemed like the only option. My workplace was inflexible, long hours and a long commute. Full time childcare was too expensive and not something I really wanted. But had I been able to work a 9-5 job with a reasonable commute, or to work part time, I would have done that instead. I think I would be a lot happier right now.

Of course you cannot predict a breakup but you can predict how a decent person would behave during a break up.

Possibly, but you can't necessarily predict just how actually decent your currently beloved OH will be during a break-up!!!

Mine swore to me throughout our marriage that he was eternally grateful for all the things I had done for him and all the opportunities I had given him (including me financing various failed business ventures on his part and a path to British citizenship, so not exaggerating much).

As it happened, when we actually got divorced he was suddenly very hard done by and walked off with half of my pension fund, a cottage owned outright that I had inherited during our marriage and a rather substantial cash sum in lieu of a stipend (all because he refused to get a proper job).

Granted, I got divorced abroad and can't speak to British law, but my point is: you can't assume your partner won't try to screw you over just because you're currently happy together. I didn't. It cost me very dearly indeed.

I have not been a sahm so can't really answer the question properly, but am finding people's responses very interesting, especially the pp who said it was the best thing for the family but not for her.

I continued my career in healthcare with a combination of part time flexible annualised hours. I studied for extra qualifications and eventually achieved meaningful promotions. I was also there for 80% school pick ups and drop offs, and kept a degree of equality with dh who also did some flexible working. You have no idea how meaningful those work achievements were - something in my own right - although I am incredibly proud of us for our family life too. Yet I will still bring to the table barely half the pension DH will, because of years of part time and low paid work. It makes me feel vulnerable and low value sometimes.

I would say, try not to think 'my wage barely covers childcare' but, think of childcare as a proportion of your joint income. And ask questions about how drop off s and pick ups might be shared. Those old assumptions can really quickly land you in a traditionally disadvantaged relationship. But I also understand the desire to care and be available for the DC. This remains my main driver in life - and I know I have a great boss to thank too.

I also think it's appalling to expect it.

This is because you don't value the role of a SAHP, nothing I can say to you will change that. For some women a career is the be all and end all, there is no alternative.

I personally think it's a huge failing of UK law to not provide fairly for SAHP because usually when all is rosy that decision is made by both the work and non working spouse.

I stand by what I said, if you cannot trust your husband to not do the dirty then you've married the wrong man.

I decided when I was going to be a mother that I wanted to go all in. It maybe a risk but that risk is always there. Very few families have 2 parents working but live off just one wage. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on our home if I was in my previous career and suddenly found myself single. I certainly wouldn't have afforded the probably larger mortgage we'd have taken out if I was working. The children and I would have to downsize in exactly the way I would in my current situation.

I've a profession to fall back on if I need to, I put in the groundwork. I'm not going to live my life in a way I'm not happy with as an insurance policy in case my husband decides to leave and decides to not provide for us.

I won't ever do it, and I don't regret it in the slightest.

Even in a relatively short tenure on here, I've seen the same stories over and over again:

1. Woman becomes SAHP. Partner becomes abusive/disrespectful/relationship deteriorates generally. Woman wants out, but feels financially completely trapped.
2. Woman becomes SAHP but in the fullness of two/five/ten years wants to return to work. Finds that she is struggling to get interviews even for very poorly paid entry level roles, and that her earning potential is now severely and permanently impaired. In both scenarios, women also frequently say that they've lost their confidence in themselves.

On top of neither of us wanting the inequality it would introduce to our relationship, I would be miserable at home. And sorry, no, planning what kids activity to do today doesn't exactly fully tax my brainpower. We have a better standard of living because I work and I sleep well in the knowledge that I can always take care of me and mine and that I'm in this relationship because I choose to be. The early years can be a slog but putting in the time leaves you so, so much further ahead in long term earning potential, pension provision, etc. I work 4 days, which allows me to be at work enough to be taken seriously and at home enough to enjoy my time there.

I'd tell any woman who had the option to to try and find a flexi/solid p/t option and stick it out. It's not a decision you can take back and it has big longterm ramifications.

I gave up my career 15 years post uni - threw it away?? Such emotive language, I didn't think of it in those terms.

It wasn't an easy decision and we considered both of our jobs and decided that I would give up mine (salary was just into six figures, DH's was slightly at the time less but had a medium term financial benefit).

It was the right choice for our family at the time. Worked really well for us.

I didn't stop thinking, did some complimentary qualifications, took a tangent and now earn half of what I used to (12 years on from leaving my old job) in a job I can ride my bike to (as opposed to spending 90 odd minutes on the train with all the grief and expense that brings).

If my marriage had gone pear shaped I would have dusted off my CV and returned to work sooner, as it is I was around (did a bit of work from home in various areas) for the primary years which I (we) all enjoyed being around for.

Don't regret it for a second. Are there swings and roundabouts? Of course - life's like that. There are pros and cons to every decision we take in life. But, ultimately, nothing beats being with the people you love the most and who love you the most back. Nothing. And I'd echo the point that they're only small for a short time. It hit me hard when my older child went to full time school that that was "it" in one regard; the carefree time we had was finished and we could never have it back in th same way. And I'm so, so glad that I had that time with my DC.

I was very fortunate that when I had my 1st DD, I got a year off on full pay in exchange for working a one month notice period. My DD was 13 months by the time I did it, and I hated every moment away from her. I couldn't get out of there quick enough!! When our 2nd baby was stillborn, it shot into focus the fact that having kids is such a gift that when our other 2 DDs came along, I didn't want to miss a second of it. I also think that when kids go to school, they are away from you 6 hours a day and I felt very strongly that I wanted to be there for the rest of it. It also allowed DH to plow all his time and energies into the business (I'm a named but silent partner for financial protection) so for our family, it worked well. I've tried a few times to get back into work over the years, but again the family responsibilities and time juggling just got me down too much and I'm happily now wallowing around like a pig in shit with our dog and grandchildren that I have so my DD can get some time to herself and work a few hours. I don't have a second of regret, kids grow up so quickly that it's a shame to miss out when you don't have to.

I've also never understood the lack of intellectual stimulation reason for working. I think you get out what you put in. Plan interesting activities, it's amazing seeing the world brand new again, and you're still allowed to read the news, novels, industry publications and spend time with other clever educated shams

Totally echo this!

I'm currently on mat leave and will be returning to work at the end of it. Being a SAHP isn't an option for me and it's not one I think I'd want to take anyway.

Something that hasn't really been mentioned on the thread is the impact on the working partner. I've seen two male friends over the past few years really struggle when their previously equally earning wives became SAHPs. The pressure and responsibility of being the sole breadwinner in a sometimes precarious working environment really took its toll on them both. They resented working long hours and hardly ever seeing their children.

If there's any way a slightly better work-life balance and more time with the children is possible for both of you that would seem the ideal. I realise that's not always possible or realistic though.

I gave up my career and was halfway through my masters when I fell pregnant.
I have a2 year old and a newborn and don't yet regret it. But I haven't tried to enter the workplace again. My aim is to complete masters and try again in a year or two...!

I gave up my job to move cities for my husband's job. Then I had another child. Then my husband died. Then I took another 4 years in a very part-time, low level job because my children were so distressed.
Here I am, at 50 with 2 children to support, applying for jobs which pay less than I was paid at 23. I can never say I regret the time spent with my children, but it definitely has had an enormous negative impact on my career and, exacerbated by my husband's death, my financial situation. I've had the good times, now I'm going to pay for them for the next decade or so...

I would suggest that you ask your employer for the minimum amount of hours they would consider for you at your current level. Try to keep your hand in at that level.

Being a SAHM is the best thing I have ever done with my life.

I am very proud of who I am and what I have accomplished as a SAHM.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

It makes me very happy. It also makes everyone I am close to happy.

It doesn't hurt anyone and only seems to bring joy to my life and others around me.

Do what makes you and your family happy. That's all that matters at the end of the day.