Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

Agree of course there are jobs which involve very long hours, just as there are jobs that don't. I was being quite general. Each situation is of course unique.

I didn't have a career as such but a strong administrative background with an okish pay.

I gave up working after dc1 was born as i couldn't justify the pay. I was lucky that my dh was supportive of whatever I did and although we've had a tight few years it's not been too bad.

I've managed to retrain during my sahm years and have just found a part time job working within my new 'field'

Pay isn't amazing but I'm hoping it's the start of things. I'm still young enough to start again so no I don't really regret it.

I work FT and spend a load of time with my kids as I outsource all the crappy house jobs. Works for us!

I gave up a career to become a SAHM.

I worked when my children were babies/toddlers, but as I saw school approaching I realised that it was going to start getting tricky, especially regarding school holidays, plays, pick-ups etc, so I gave up work.

I really cherish the time I got to spend with both of my children before they went to school. We got to do some nice things, and I do look back on it fondly.

Both of my children are at school now, and I am having a lovely time, going to the gym, meeting friends etc.

HOWEVER, I know that I don't want this forever. I have tried getting part-time jobs (shops, bars etc.) but am struggling to get anywhere to take me on! I didn't realise how tricky it would be to get back into work once I'd left. I thought someone like me could waltz back into a job - I was wrong!

What I'm having to do is take every day as it comes. I'm not planning for the future, which I'm sure will bite me on the arse one day.

Also, I do have to say I do sometimes feel like an unpaid skivvy to everyone else, and sometimes unappreciated.

So, in summary, I would do the same again, because the time with the children is priceless, but it hasn't been without its negatives.

Shebagthehag may I ask what you've retrained in?

I managed to stop work for the first 2 years and then return part time , all my money bar a tiny 10 pounds a month went on childcare . I've stayed part time for the last 11 years but have done extra uni work etc which means 2 things . 1) I am now higher paid than my colleagues who haven't had children and stayed at work full time and 2) I'm able for the teenage years to work as a locum and earn 3 times the amount which means I can be free for the children in school holidays and work when they are at school.
If going part time be smart with your time and you won't loose out in the long run. Best of both worlds .

Why do people say that their entire wage will go on childcare?Surely the cost of the childcare would be split between both parents??Or all earnings go in one pot and the childcare costs are taken from that.

Sarah Unless you have strictly delineated finances, then there is one pot of money. And if money out (for childcare) is more than money in (your salary), then you are worse off as a family. Yes, your salary may increase in the future, but you need to discount this for the fact that it's in the future (time value of money) and for the risk that this doesn't happen. So it's a straight financial calculation comparing two possible scenarios.

Everyone should look into what their pension will be when they retire.
I took time out when my dc were small then worked part time for 17 years.
My pension is tiny.
Now I do regret not really looking into it years ago.

I work full-time, had one year off with one child and have worked continuously since them.

Absolutely no regrets here, I love my job (well, most of it) and I'm happy to have something interesting and extending to fill my days now the children are older/less oriented around mum.

However, I'm aware that I have flexible working and a job I really like.

If you don't have that, I'd be thinking about what moves you could make to get a job you like better and one with some flexibility for working from home.

I see the mums who took long stretches out or doing part-time jobs not really their skill-level really struggling now our children are older. I have several friends who are depressed and in this situation and I do wonder if they are connected. I'm sure there's lots of SAHP who re-enter the workplace and make a great success of it, but the only ones I know feel frustrated and unfulfilled on that front (yet, this may all change of course).

I was a sahm for 25 years and don't regret it at all.
I currently work pt in a call centre, so nowhere near the career I had pre dc.
I was a hr tax payer from being about 20, but gave it all up when pg with ds1 as couldn't imagine leaving him in the charge of a childcare worker.

it isn't true that it's hard to get back into the workplace at all, unless you expect to go back to the same career at the same level as you left.
I walked into town and had a job in an hour, just wasn't choosy.

I'm not sure how long I'll be there for, but my reason for working isn't financial tbh.

I am on the fence.
If I had continued working in a ‘proper’ job I would be much further in my career and better paid.
I however worked evenings and weekends in a restaurant until all 3 kids were in school and now Work part time in admin.

My kids don’t regret me being at home with them.
The other day a parent had a fancy car with the ‘batwing’ doors and they asked who’s it was and I said I think it’s bobs but he has a different car every time I see him and my son asked why do o said coz they are rich, cue questions about why we weren’t as rich and me explain they have better paid jobs work longer hours etc
About 10 minutes late my DD said “I’m so glad you don’t have a job where you woke long hours as if you did we would have had to be in child care all the time like some of my friends and we wouldn’t have had as nice a childhood as we do”

Right then was where I realised that I didn’t mind sacrificing my career for my kids and I’m glad that even at 9 years old they can appreciate that.

I was at home when mine were little and worked part time school hours until my youngest started school. Now I work ft and dh is the sahp. I earn the same as 10 years ago when I first went on mat leave but have changed industry. My pension is shot. I don't regret being at home with them, but glad I'm back ft now - and I just book holiday for school plays etc (the head of the dc's school is a ft working mother so she thinks about that and rarely schedules anything during the school day anyway).

Brie

My dc were similar, you have to be careful though that they don't grow up offending people
My ds1 and 2 were coming out of school and in a voice far too loud were chatting/ shouting how awful it was for the kids to have to go to after school care.
It was in its infancy then though as they are 26 and 23 now.
I did tell them that some parents had no choice, but their mindset was pity more than acceptance.
A huge gap between ds x2 and dd, but I was the same with her, just couldn't entertain working and using childcare.
Everyone is different though and some parents choose to use childcare/ wraparound care and it's what they want, or they have no choice.
I'm also lazy and couldn't be bothered juggling all the work, home, ferrying kids about, homework etc.
Taking work out of the equation gave us a much better standard of living.

the great thing about working PT is that you don't have to disclose you were PT on your CV - nobody asks for hours worked per week. I reckon PT is the holy grail in terms of the trade offs between career sacrifice and time with kids.

I would try everything you can to cut to 3 days per week and ditch the two worked from home. I work full time, from home and it does give more flexibility on timings but the work still has to get done, it's not like being properly part time, it's just flexibility to work in the evenings/weekends (yay, not).

SAHPs can be wonderful for their family's well-being, but the personal price is high - my parents never split up, but my DM never recovered the confidence she lost from not having external validation and some of my sisters make horrible comments about how much she spends - they seem not to understand it is family money and none of their business and the same comments have been made about my GM in this regard too.

I love spending time with my children, but I'm a TERRIBLE cook, awful at crafts, not especially organised - I can't imagine how awful it would be if that suddenly became a main part of my validation.

I’m in exactly the same position OP. Currently weighing up whether or not to quit and be a SAhM.

Luckily DH’s salary means we can afford for me to do that.

It the other big factor is that I just don’t want to do what I do any more. I don’t enjoy the work. I don’t believe in it. I think even if I didn’t have children I would still be thinking about walking away. I have so many about other things I’d like to do. I’d really like to retrain in a completely different area.

I can’t bear the thought of two more years of slogging my guts out treading water just to hold on to a career I hate anyway.

The point about time is a good one. I worked from home for 4 years for one company, ad hoc

Big breaks, or a few hours or more - it was bare minimum in terms of actual work - the benefit to my CV was great and the 4 years that could have been blank looked good and seamless.

It was a lucky find thigh and became tricky in terms of ad hoc cc but I’m quite fond of bare minimum to stay employable. Especially when cc costs are do Hugh in early days

So high

I think it depends on your job, location, situation, priorities and the children you have. Far to particular for there be a one approach fits all situation. I am a SAHM of the last 13 years. I am looking to return to paid work at the moment - and hitting that wall of "overqualified" but applying for lower status jobs than my professional experience and qualifications would suggest. It is a bit frustrating. But I have 3 children 2 with SEN and working fulltime or even part time would have made life untenable and the children far less well adjusted. They need more support than the average and child care would not have been easy to find that suited their needs.

Of course I am a bit frustrated at the limitations on my career but that would have happened even if I hadn't chosen the sahm path given the children we have. I have stayed relevant through skilled volunteer work and am training with the hope that a job in the charity sector I work in (advice work) will come up soon(ish). So I have not sat back and watched daytime telly - far from it.

So my advice is do what you can to preserve your identity and skills - be that in employment - volunteer work or exciting hobbies. Be focused on what works for your family and you - do not feel pressured to work or leave work - you have to go by your needs both financial and emotional not social expectations. Do not judge people who have made different choices - every one has a reason for what they do.

The thing is each family is different, each father is different, each mother is different and each child is different. Also each job and employer is different, even the same job will be different to an exact job with a different employer/industry.

So each family has to make a choice based on THEIR wants, needs, circumstances and mental and physical wellbeing. Someone else in the same situation will likely come to a diffferent conclusion.

I work part time within school hours. If I worked full time and paid for wraparound childcare I would actually bring home less than I do now!!! So I’m better off working part time and being able to do stuff with the kids after school. I’m lucky that I have been able to find a job that enables this. If I wanted though to progress and train to be an accountant then I would need to work full time so I’ve made the decision to stay where I am while the kids need me. Someone else may decide that actually they want to put the kids in childcare and work full time for less money.

I work part time. Mon - Tues and then Wednesday morning.
LO is 15 months. The rest of the week we spend doing fun stuff together.
I worked really hard to get a job I really wanted, luckily enough to be in a job where they have family friendly policies. Hopefully if have another child it will work as well as it does now.

I was PT while the dc were little and am now FT and have been promoted a lot and I'm very pleased with my career.

What I was going to say was that me pushing on has enabled dh to be at home for 3 days a week for a few years which he has loved. If I had been a sahm it would have been denying him that option as well.

There are many SAHPs who don't spend their time cooking/cleaning/crafting on the kitchen table!

I do the things I enjoy doing and thankfully my LO enjoy too - socialising/museums/trips seaside.

You don't have to fall into the stereotype of being everyone's slave. My OH does lots of household jobs too, despite working full time and very long hours.

@needmorewine your comment about "feeling sorry for the little mites being dragged to after school clubs/childminders" is pretty judgemental! I work part time but the days I work my DD will have to go to a childminder before and after school, because my job is not school hours. Not all of us are in jobs where we can do the pick ups every day. FWIW my DD is a thriving, happy, confident little girl who adores her childminder and the other kids she gets to mix with every day. The same will be for when she starts school and goes there for a couple of hours until I pick her up.

PJs my opinion is doubtless coloured by the 3/4 DC in DDs class who are generally crying waiting for the daily after school care collection from her classroom - I can’t help but feel sorry for them. They just look so little & vulnerable and the school day is so busy & full on. Sounds like your childminder & setup works well for you & your DD and she’ll continue to thrive.