Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

I think it depends on whether you can keep your skills up to date via another route. I had 12 years at home with the dc, went back to work a few months ago at the same level as when I left.

I did spend many years keeping my skills up to date in a variety of voluntary roles and community projects. I also made sure I got on training course/updates etc.

I don't regret the time I had at home for a moment, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but it's so nice now the kids are older to get some time back for myself - and the money's a nice bonus too

From my perspective, I didn't want to take the hit of disappearing from the job market, and then finding it too difficult to get back in.

I admit there were times when I've found it hard not to be there for the kids all the time.

But ... towards the end of last year I had proved my worth enough to negotiate school hours with my manager, and was given them.

So, for me, it's been worth it. I've kept my hand in professionally, not wasted my education, contributed to the family coffers, kept my financial independence, have the reassurance of knowing I could support us if the worst happened to DH. And now I get to pick the kids up from school and spend the afternoons with them, as well.

Sometimes it's a case of 'short term pain for long term gain'.

My dh earns very well and if it all goes 'tits up' (which I don't think it will) but if it does then his money is my money (well half anyway

I'm sorry, but if you split up it's not. Spousal maintenance is very rare. If it goes tits up, it's his money.

Tell it to DH who pays over £1000 a month in spousal maintenance....

Anyway I don't regret giving up work to be a SAHM. I have kept up my qualifications and will go back part time when the youngest goes to school. Personally I wouldn't use nursery for very young kids unless I absolutely had to.

Does your employer permit career breaks? This would mean you can take a year or two out of work to focus on your young children and then return to a role.
On balance I think it is unwise for women to give up their careers. I have heard and seen it go sadly wrong too many times.

Stay at home mum here,for 20 years...yes for me it would of been better for me to work..I loved my job,I lived for it...but out of 4 kids 2 have autism...and I had to put the kids first...so no I don't regret it,I just wish things had been different,perhaps parents had offered childcare ,been more involved with hospital appointments etc...my kids wouldn't of coped with childcare on top of school,they all only just about coped with the school day,so would not of coped with childminder in holidays or after school..tbh,I had no real choice..I have been fully dependent financially on my dh the whole time...he is dependent on me for childcare...if I walk away he has to give up his job to be at home,then we loose the house...it's a gamble,but then most things are,none of know what the future holds.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and I loved it. I worked in education for 4 years before I had the DCs and went back to it when my youngest was 5. Over the following 25 years I worked my way up to a very senior position. In my experience you can be a SAHM and have a career.

Waste of my degree thou 🙄

Not at all but I did use the time until DD started school to do a PT degree wirh the / volunteer. I love being around for school pick up and drop off especially. I work school hours only doing something that is not as well paid as previous career but brings me x10 the job satisfaction, brings money in and works around DC (and ironically I needed more qualifications for!) I feel very lucky. I feel sorry sometimes for the little mites in reception being dragged off to after school club / childminders. They’re only tiny once. DD likes to come home and have tea and a play then we might do a bit of baking / reading. We don’t have the holidays / car / clothes we would if I’d kept up my old career but seeing her little face at pick up everyday is worth more than any of those. If it all went tits up I’d have to deal with it but at least I’d know I’d had this time. Got a few friends who went back to work after DC and have now quit after having DC2 - all are much happier now.

I think OP it helps also to think in terms of the childcare costs being half each with your DH rather than just offsetting it against your earnings. I realise that isn't your primary driver but it helps to put the situation in a more equitable light.

FWIW on the subject of marriage breakups I have dated a couple of divorced men since I've been single who were very bitter about the fact that they had been the sole earner (didn't date them again obviously after this emerged). I think the way it goes is that they don't mind when you're knee deep in nappies but resent it when it looks like you have an easy life and they are grafting. By that time though they have got used to the SAHP doing everything and it's difficult to change the dynamic.

If you have a part time role I'd be inclined to stick with it. I've spent the last four years as a sahm and I would not have missed that time with my children however I'm terrified of getting back into work now after so long off. I was actually made redundant while on maternity with my first otherwise I would have gone back park time.

Needmorewine
Agree, at least I know I've had the time with them and the freedom.

My dh has told me a few times how much i'd get if he pops his cloggs bless him, I'm not interested though, I'd rather have him obviously but at least I'd know I'd be ok.
If we divorced yes it would be a different matter but I know he wouldn't leave me short even if I didn't get half. Yes ultimately it is his money but he always refers to it as our money (him, not me).

This is really interesting and strikes a real chord with me!

I was in a similar position to you OP. Except I already had a flexible employer allowing me to work 3 days a week. I didn’t hate my job (also PR / marketing world) but I also didn’t absolutely love it. I was just earning enough to cover the childcare expenses.

I decided to become a SAHM and to be honest I do regret it sometimes, particularly when I see friends, colleagues and people who I hired now working in amazing and senior positions, but I also think I would do the same thing again. With just a few tweaks! I should actually have changed jobs years ago and focused a bit more on my career when I had the time. I have an Oxbridge degree and was quite ambitious but ended up getting a bit side tracked. When I left work I should have immediately got my CV ready to go - just so I could remember everything that needed to be on it!

I have done a few bits of freelance work over the years and, again, I should have focused a bit more on getting that set up properly, LinkedIn profile up to speed, let contacts know that I was working, think about training etc etc.

Instead I’m trying to do a lot of this 4 years down the line and it is hard.

BUT I found work incredibly stressful. I was grumpy, I cried a lot. I didn’t have time for my DD. Life isn’t perfect but overall I am happier. I just struggle with the guilt that I SHOULD be doing something high powered / well paid. That I SHOULD be paying into my pension / savings in case something happens to my marriage.

At the end of the day there is no right answer. But if you do give up your job, then do it in a way that prepares you to go back to work later!

I worked 3 days a week until school age and then increased to 4 and am lucky enough to have an employer who lets me partly flex around school days so I do more than half of pick ups. I'm biased because it has worked for me but is there a compromise between working full time and complete SAHM? Part time or work from home?

My mum was rare in our area as a FT worker in the 1970s, and went back to work when all of us were a few weeks old (she worked night shifts when we were babies). She always said she never regretted working FT when we were little, but it got much harder in secondary school as our "life challenges" became more complicated - relationships, exams, etc. I think it's worth bearing in mind that kids don't necessarily need parents less as they get older. I've worked FT since mine were about 5 months old, and will be in a position to drop hrs when they hit the teenage years. It will be a good point for me to catch my breath without too much in the way of financial/career hardship and benefit them in the process.

Personally I wouldn't use nursery for very young kids unless I absolutely had to.

Agree - but nursery isn't the only childcare option.

It's lovely to have the choice. You've had some great feedback here.

So many angles to consider... Work out the difference between what you and your employer contribute financially to your pension right now - can you replicate that? (Up to a max of £2880 pa, before tax).

Don't underestimate any other £ benefits you may get - health insurance, life insurance / death in service, dental, additional training etc...

Are you very motivated and hungry? If so - could you create a self employed role to keep your hand in? Are your skills niche in some way?

Or - do you enjoy housework? Being at home - literally? Cooking? More of this will fall to you... That's every single school day... Do you enjoy being on your own quite a bit? (My personal experience of SAHM-quite a jolt after the bustle of an office, office do's and quick chats over lunch. Appreciate other people are more socially able than me!)

Worst case scenario - can you get something else PT now?

None of the scenarios are perfect but 1 or 2 maybe more appealing... ?

If you're thinking about staying at work then maybe consider a career coach to help you maximise your talents. You don't sound very motivated... just a thought!

Thank you to each and everyone who responded here. It is extremely helpful in my decision making and I appreciate your comments. X

Op only you know the answer. I love being at home as a mother. I do work very occasionally which keeps my qualifications and experience ticking over, but I have no contract with a hold over me.

This time is so precious and I really like children so it's an easy-ish decision. Do I miss my work? Sometimes, but I think it's mostly rose tinted speciticals, I miss my colleagues and the team work. Will I regret that on my death bed - no. Would I regret not being at home with my children - for me yes.

I've carved out a really lovely set up where I can enjoy doing things I like with my children (and that they like too). I have also some really lovely friends nearby who are stay at home parents or who work very minimal hours. This is another important aspect of my happiness as I get that adult company and friendship still despite not working.

I am very comfortable. My husband pays me a good allowance which allows me and my children to do nice things. This also makes a big difference and played a part in my decision making - I'm not sure I could have done it if I had felt a lot worse off finically. As it happens I spend very little! My value of money has totally changed and I find it very easy to spend a lot less!

Maybe make a list of pro's and cons for your situation?

I worked pt for 'nothing' for two years when the DC were in nursery. Now teens I am so glad I kept working. Managed to maintain my pension, my skills and my sanity! Think long term. I actually think your DC need you around more as they get older.

It's a very personal decision. What would be a life affirming decision for one person could be a big mistake for someone else. It doesn't just apply to SAHM's though. I have gone part time. I feel that my career has still suffered. The work I get now isn't as interesting as the work when I was full time and I haven't had a successful interview since (I have also been more tired and less confident). Going part time to be a part time sahm was my decision. I wanted to do it. I don't regret it, but my career has taken a hit.

Never regretted it, in fact my best days were at home when the DC were all preschool. It sounds cliche but it felt like one continuous holiday, we were able to jump in the car and go on outings any day we felt like it. I am still at home as one has SEN and has frequent appointments and hasn't been able to attend school FT. I have always done some sort of training/qualification PT since the youngest has been in school. I have zero paid work experience though within the last 12 years so I'm probably not very employable for when the time comes.

It does have downsides. I will not have a decent pension, do not and will never own our 'dream home' but I'm not that bothered. My dsis just had her 1st DC at 40 after building up her career, buying a beautiful home and she travelled the world. Beside me she looks like the lucky one but she hates the fact that she cannot afford to even work PT. It is very unlikely she can afford a 2nd DC due to childcare costs although she would love another. So no I don't envy her for her career or even her home. The early years are so precious, my DC are older and spend most of the time in their rooms and aren't that interested in spending time with me now!

Not one bit, I haven't worked for over 3 1/2 years now. I was reasonably successful in my career, would probably be on around 100k now if I'd carried on working, but was never massively career minded. I would barely see my DCs if I worked and while I did quite enjoy my job, I also found it a bit stressful at times and I'm sure stress levels would have increased as I progressed. I know I am hugely privileged that we can afford for me not to work and that I have a choice in the matter.
OP, good luck, whatever you decide. I don't think you should consider yourself to be "throwing away" anything if you take a career break. It's all life experience.

I am really glad I kept my work and career going.
I enjoy my work, I enjoy having a family.
The childcare was such a burden in tne early years, but it helped in terms of pension, promotion, professional development etc.

DH and I always took proper joint responsibility for all childcare and household stuff. GP appointments, parties, phoning the school, book day outfits, hosting play dates. I couldn’t/ wouldn’t have done it with a partner who didn’t think havjng kids changed their week much.