Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

do their parents know that their children are crying need? Sounds like rubbish after school care to me more than anything else. I rarely see any children crying at ours waiting for ASCs on the days I pick up.

Does it have to be all or nothing? Iv kept my hand in and some of my own cash by working part time or from home.

I doubt it snappy yes I don’t think the ASC at DD school is that brilliant but I do think it makes for a very very long day for some little ones regardless of quality of the care. Anyway I will bow out now as I don’t want to move away from the main point of the thread which has been an interesting read.

It can take more effort than you initially put in to get back on track. I wouldn’t do it again.

needmore I've picked up from several types of childcare over several years and I've never seen several children crying a day! My children liked it so much they didn't want to go and we had to put a plan in place to winkle them out without them getting upset (as one of them would run off aged about 5/6 til I caught her).

I'm sorry, there must be something wrong with the provider to see that.

Not all children will like the hurly burly of afterschool or breakfast clubs though, one of mine loved the social aspect (the one that used to hide and refuse to come home) but the other was less fussed and I'm sure would have been happy just coming home and chilling out.

I do work flexibly though, from home between 2-4 days a week, so am often around, even if working, should a shoulder to cry on or a chat about the day is needed from my now older teens.

I second thinking about a career change/getting a job you really enjoy if you do anything right now. Even if you take out 10 years to SAHP, that leaves a working life of 30 years afterwards on current projections. I'd invest in an interesting career path just because most people have to work and so it's better to do something you like than trudge through (I've done the trudgy jobs when younger).

I

need, i don't disagree that it's a very long day for primary aged DC at ASC, nursery is a long day too - mine is quite often very tired when I pick her up from it but I still think you should have a word with the teacher and make sure the parents know.

My DD went through a phase where she really hated one club and we made some adjustments, i'm sure the parents would want to know.

I’ve always worked part time and found that the best of both worlds. I suppose I am also lucky in that I had family providing free childcare, DH with a very flexible job and school holidays off.

The person upthread saying people should not marry someone who they think would be an arse about money if they split up...really?! I would imagine 99% of people don’t think their partner would be capable of that when they get married. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen though! Things change. People change.

Most of my friends have worked part time when their children were young and many still do. Some are now full time and doing well. 2 didn’t ever work and are now struggling to get back into the workplace. One was rejected last year for a job as a ‘bank staff’ lunchtime supervisor in a school. She was really pissed off and wishes she had kept her hand in at work.

I'm just coming to the end of my second maternity leave (been off a year with each child) and I'm really glad to be going back to work in a month or so. I've just found out I've been promoted so will be going back to a new role with more money and responsibility.

I personally can't imagine continuing with the daily drudge of endless meals, tidying up and school runs.

In a few years when they are both at school I'd be more interested in being a SAHM as I'd have some time to myself each day. But for now I'm glad to contribute financially to the house, work four days a week and enjoy the kids evenings and weekends.

I am so glad I left my job to be a SAHM. I loved being at home with them, we all got so much out of it.

I'm now working part time in a low paid job but in Early Years which I never would have done had I stayed at my original job. I feel like I'm at the beginning of my career in my early 30s which is a little rubbish but I'm still young and have so many years to progress my career when the children are more independent.

It's great to be a SAHP for some but for others it's more ideal to be a working parent part/full-time. Decisions like this, where a mother has to choose between being a SAHP or working should be based on the family situation. Each family unit is different and sometimes what works for one family unit doesn't work for another. OP, do what feels right for "you" as an individual combined with your family situation.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my first DS and am enjoying every moment of it. Only down side is I wish it was longer but I'm not comfortable with the thought of relying on DP financially, so will be going back to work at the end of my maternity leave. It's probably been echoed many times above but I've also come across in RL many stories where the woman (ex-DW) is left struggling financially after splitting from the partner (ex-DH) who during the course of their marriage was seen as a "decent" man. Nothing is ever guaranteed in life and promises are a comfort to a fool.

I’ve just gone freelance in my career now that the youngest are at school.
It was easier to work for an employer with little ones at home as I’d never have had the time and energy to pitch for and organise projects with them at home.

I was able to work from home very often though and had no significant travel.

No childcare or family help but DH and I are a good team and both get on with whatever needs doing. He works OOH FT but has a short commute and some flexibility to WFH if necessary.

I will say though, despite working at a senior level for one of the most highly regarded organisations in my field, I’m now looking into significant additional training.

I’m lacking certain skills that weren’t a regular requirement in my old role. So nothing’s a given.

I did yes, but unlike you OP I hadn't even had my first child at your age, I was 33 when I had my first so by the time I was trying to get back in to the workplace I was in my mid forties which is a whole different ball game. Also I had no degree or qualification that was definitely marketable. I had small things like a secretarial course a pay roll course, excel advanced languages yes but they're only useful with another skill. So I was trying to get back in to the workplace in my mid and late forties with no obvious skill. It wasn't all decision though. So I don't berate myself too severely. I couldn't have afforded childcare for two on a minimum wage job and one of my kids had an SN and I didn't drive and couldn't afford to learn and I lived with my parents because I was single parent! so it wasn't all choice. It was 80% the view from the corner.

Years ago I asked the same question on MN. My 3 children were babies and I was working full time, I was on my knees.
MN told me not to give up my job so I didn't. I'm so pleased I listened, I would have no chance of getting back in if I had. Now I have no debt, a pension, independence and a very flexible job. I would not have any of this if I had become a SAHM.

Does it have to be all or nothing?

Depends what you do! Answer for me was yes (City job); answer for my friend was no (primary school teacher).

On the subject of re-training/additional qualifications, I realised at near 40 that despite working continuously in the decade since having dc, my skills hadn’t kept pace with what the people 10 years+ younger can do, and that I’d be facing additional training/certs anyway, so it’s not always true that retaining a foot in the door completely avoids this although clearly I have more money to throw at this problem.

Nope don't regret it there was an adjustment period of a few years where I can to decompress into a different lifestyle of being a sahm and that was challenging. However now I love it and it's coming to an end after 10years. The youngest are about to start school so I guess I will be going back out there. I'm a different person now though.

Although I would always advise of having a back up plan in case circumstances change

I was a SAHM for five years due to childcare costing more than my earnings. During those five years I totally lost skills as well as confidence and have had to retrain to get back into work. I’m hindsight we should have looked at the long term, rather than making decisions based on being worse off for a few years and missing some milestones that the DC won’t remember!

I think it's relevant how capable and driven you are as a person as if you have those qualities it will be easier to get back into work and progress again.

Financially, it also depends on if you have other back up plans (e.g wealthy parents that will either help you out if times get hard or leave money to you when they die).

Also what your retirement/house/mortgage dreams are.

FWIW I have junior school aged kids and gave up my career, I now have a different career, which I really enjoy, and it fits round family life. But it pays about a third of what I would have been on if I'd stayed in the original career. Money isn't everything, but it's miserable being poor, and it's miserable not being able to find a job if you want to work.

Tricky one!

I regret compromising my career. Now divorcing, no pension, and two under 6, I’m having to re-train and start again. I wish someone has shook me by the shoulders and made me think very carefully about it back then.

As I'm sure you've realised from the variety of replies, it's such a personal choice and depends on your personality and outlook on life.

I'm a healthcare professional who isn't that crazy about their career but equally doesn't want to throw away all the hard work over past 10 years. I was incredibly lucky to find a new job towards the end of my first maternity leave which was a promotion from my previous post and part time for 2 days per week. It's perfect for me as I want to be around for most of the week but I'm keeping my hand in my career until I decide what I want to do in life.

I was really tempted to give up work as I just wanted to me at home with my daughter but like pp have said - you don't need to specify you're working part time on your cv so it keeps your skills and cv up to date. If you have a similar option, take it and then decide if you really want to give it up completely

@RockPaperCut. So sorry you are going though divorce. Can you not get some of your husbands pension in the settlement

Roseandmabelshouse He has a relatively small pension but he/we have other assets. We’ve had 12 months of solicitors, children’s proceedings and now financial, which will have eaten up at least 200k of our assets by the time we’re done. Oh and another 50k of debt that he has continently run up in the last 8 months. I’ll be lucky if I can afford a flat at this rate. Let this be a lesson to others, never did I expect to be here at 32, no career, two little ones and having to start over. I will certainly drum it into my two girls do not compromise your financial independence for anyone.

Sorry for the one woman pitty party just feeling a bit bleurgh this evening.

I was a SAHM for 18 months and do not regret it at all. For me this was when I had one child starting school and one doing 15 hours in preschool. Earlier on I had been desperate to go back to work when they were babies/toddlers, now they’re both at school I’m glad I’m back at work.

I was able to get back into (lower paid, but still professional) work as soon as I was ready and leaving my old job gave me the push I needed to find something that would work better for me in the long run. I acknowledge that I’m very lucky though, I’m well qualified and live in an area where jobs are plentiful.

The people I know who became SAHM all went back to work eventually. Not many to the same level as responsibility and pay as before, but then they don’t seem to regret that - I certainly don’t. I am glad with the change it forced in my career and wouldn’t go back to my pre SAHM job for anything, even though I would earn a lot more. Examples would be corporate lawyer, 3 years SAHM, now part time lawyer in a charity. NHS role, 8 years SAHM, significant retraining and voluntary work experience required but now back in similar role. Midwife, 6 years SAHM, now clinical trials admin. Look for your own examples a few years further down the line from you not those currently in the thick of the decision like you.

Good luck with what you decide.

@RockPaperCut so sorry to hear this. The only way is up now. You are still young. Sending you good vibes xxx