Do you regret giving up your career to be a SAHM

[Sofshiz]

I am 28, have a two kids under 4. I've been working since I was 15 as student jobs, got myself a degree and masters and worked in my marketing field until now. I haven't progressed amazingly but content with where I am (given I been on maternity leave twice).

Now I am at a stage where my salary doesn't really justify me working when I take childcare cost into account. So I'm really just working to keep my career not to make any money. My husband does well enough to support us.

A bigger part of me wants to quit, stay at home and look after my kids (I really want to be there for school drop offs and pick ups which I currently miss out on 3 days a week with nursery). Once proper school starts it will be even harder/impossible to do without help of my mum or childminder.

So my question is, do you regret having given up your career to be at home? I guess this would mainly be good for me to hear from mums of older kids and have had few years at home to really have the chance to see if they regret it or not? Am I being stupid to be fully dependant on my husband, throw away my education and the 6 years of professional experience I've built up?

Not all jobs allow for proper joint responsibility Division. You sound terribly smug.

I’m not smug, just practical.

Lots of women find themselves doing two jobs.

I couldn’t have done that.

But also my job is as important to me as DH’s is to him. We both made some compromises, but equally.

I do regret stepping off career ladder in terms of career progression, earning potential BUT I was desperate to be A SAHM when they were babies and would have really struggled staying teaching which was my career at the time. However I did t really like teaching so it may have been different had I had a less stressful job or one I enjoyed ! Giving up work meant I had a lovely few years at home and got to be there all the time and to take steps into a new area of work also husbands stressful job seemed to make sense if i could take care of everything to do with home. We were really skint though looking back
It was really hard getting back into work and I ended up working in minimum wage jobs at first . I now have a job I really enjoy so in a way it's been a win win situation but compared to friends who stayed working we are the ones with the smallest house, oldest car, cheapest social life
I think a few years at home when they're preschoolers is lovely but if you have a career you enjoy and can do part time then that's the best option

I found going back to work after DC2 very hard. I had severe anxiety and work circumstances were very difficult. Although I needed time off for anxiety I'm really glad I returned as I now love my job. I earn enough to pay for nursery plus take home a decent chunk (I'm part time ). Youngest is starting school in September and I'd feel a bit lost without my job. It's a passion of mine really. Nursery pick up/ childminder pickup for eldest/ DH away with work/ illness / very early starts (we leave the house at 7am on my work days) aren't great but worth it overall for satisfaction and keeping my hand in.

I think it also needs to be factored in how important your career is. For me I work to live otherwise I wouldn't. I don't have any interest or give much importance to having a career.

Such a thoughtful thread.

I’ve been 3 days a week for 10 years now so I’ve kept my hand in, my pension going and I know I could provide for the dc financially if the worst happened. That’s all important.

One scenario not mentioned on the thread is what happens if your DH becomes unwell - physically or mentally - and can’t continue to support you as a SAHP. I’ve seen this happen and real financial stress.

But I’m tired of all the juggling and frankly my SAHM friends often seem to have a better quality of life. I think a DH who took more joint responsibility, as a pp says, would have made a difference for me.

These are really difficult decisions but having seen the hideous position of some friends after divorce I think on balance it’s better to try and maintain work if you can.

I don't think division sounds at all smug, she makes a very valid point. In a lot of jobs there could be equal childcare responsibility, but I've seen time and time again that this just doesn't happen. It's the woman rushing around like a blue arsed fly to make pick up, or feeling like she's letting people down when she has to take another day off to care for a sick child.

Even my own dh isn't innocent. He's a good man, and an excellent father. And while I'm a SAHM he more than pulls his weight. But when I discussed with him my return to work within the next 12-24 months, he visibly paled at the realisation that he will also have responsibility for drop offs/collections and sick days. His job allows it, he's just not used to it. He got a rocket from me, I can assure you.

In considering the financial value of your salary (eg in comparison with childcare costs) it’s really important IMO to consider the medium and long term, things like scope for pay progression and pension. Can be very hard to get good terms and conditions (eg working from home) and earn a good wage after a career break. You personally would be taking the financial risks, not your H.

Currently working FT is likely to minimise the negative impact of becoming a mother on your future career and earning potential.

I wanted to have a few years AH but didn’t because I didn’t want to lose financial independence or my decent working conditions and salary. DH didn’t want to be sole breadwinner. I went PT (3 days) but found this bad at work, was given crap projects etc, so am now FT. DH is the higher earner but has always done a fair share of parenting and made adjustments at work, eg asking to work from home one or two days a week (rejected by his employer for 5 years until they wanted to save office costs and it’s now compulsory!), no jobs involving travel, late starts on days he does school runs.

I observe some of the men I know with SAHWs being disdainful and making nasty comments about their wives spending “their” money. I think those men are dicks, but there seem to be a lot of them around.

DH works FT and has been to every school event. I have been to all the events I want to (I dislike some so don’t go!) DC have good quality before / after school childcare and are fine. We’ve been lucky in that since the baby/toddler years DC have rarely been sick, but we share those days. IME school holidays are hardest to cover in terms of cost/guilt!

Agree - division doesn't sound at all smug to me. Very realistic.
Interesting thread. I gave up my career when DS2 was 6 months old and not regretting it so far (he's almost 2). BUT I had my kids much older than you. 38/40. So I had a long career under my belt and had achieved more than I actually thought i would at the outset of my career. So was satisfied and ready to stop. I would not have given it up in the early days I don't think - not if I could have worked out a way of doing both as successfully as division and others on this thread have outlined.

Because I got to a relatively senior position in my industry, I am relatively confident that I could get back at a lower level on a more flexible basis later on which is the current plan.

Really enjoyed this thread, the responses are so measured and well-thought out!
I'm lucky enough to have a great job in my dream industry, requires a fair bit of travel though and currently expecting number 2 (DD is 13 months) so will probably have to consider how to manage that once no. 2 arrives. DH is a teacher so zero flexibility for 3/4 of the year, but total flexibility for the other quarter! Also lucky enough to have one set of grandparents within 40 mins drive.
Similar to some PPs, I'm a bit older (38), but I'm the main earner so if one of us was going to ever be a SAHP it would be DH. He's a way more natural parent than me

Either regret giving up your career or time with your kids, I would certainly give up the career.

Either regret giving up your career or time with your kids, I would certainly give up the career.
And hope you won’t find yourself in the position of regretting your career because you are struggling to keep a roof over your head or feel you can’t leave your H because you don’t have an income.

Nothing is in black and white Advice and that sort of comment isn’t helping tbh.
A mum who is choosing to keep her career is not choosing to let her kids down.

It's worth having s read of some of the threads on the relationships board. Time and time again women have given up their careers only to be left high and dry. Either that, or their husbands start to view them as unpaid skivvies, expecting them to do 100% of the domestic labour, minimising the effort involved in caring for children, financially controlling them, expecting them to justify all their spending. It makes for depressing reading. If you're married them you've at least got that security but I do think you're leaving yourself very vulnerable if you give up your financial independence. If there's any way you can afford to keep working, I would.

To be fair Mad no one is going to start a thread basically saying 'I gave up work, loved every minute, re trained and went back pt when kids went to school, enjoy new job much more than my last career. Happy as Larry. Relationship's great. Money fine. All's well'! Not least because they would be destroyed for being a smug cow!

I would love to give up my current job and go back to just supply teaching. I love my job but love being at home and with my children more. I got to a middle management position before having my ds and I would be quite happy just ticking along as a supply teacher until they are all teenagers. Luckily in my field of work supply teaching gives me all the best bits of teaching and none on the crap! Unfortunately financially and for family stability I needed a longer contract so have to work. It is such a personal decision though.

yes and no

yes as trying to find a decent position after a long break is not easy plus you are used to being your own boss as such and it can be difficult to deal with a more regulated work environment. Your qualifications and skills mean nothing as they have 'expired'. If you are motivated enough and have an idea of what you want to do you can retrain but it isn't an option for everyone. I also do feel slightly worthless in society but I think this has more to do with how society perceives us ie ladies of leisure, dependant woman at home etc.

no as I have a very close relationship with my kids (of course this may have been the case anyway if I had carried on working), enjoyed every minute of their cute phase and made some great 'mum' friends along the way. As a side benefit I was able to be around when my DH went through some MH issues, supporting him enough for it to not affect work and shielding the kids to a certain extent. This has meant me and DH have a very strong relationship. Also it does mean that weekends are wholly family, fun or relaxing time, as I pretty much get all the household stuff done in the week.

I openly discuss the choice me and my dh have made with our dcs as I don't want them to think this is something they should or shouldn't do in the future.

Do think carefully? Are you the type of person who needs a challenge of a good job when the kids are grown up? Is your DH happy to share the income ie sees income as household money not HIS money?

I don’t and will never regret the time I had with my children when I was at home, but it has definitely changed my trajectory in life. Before I had kids I had a career and now I have a job - it’s a nice job with lovely people but it doesn’t have the opportunities or progression that my previous role did. It is however incredibly convenient for our family life and fits in nicely with everyone else. I would say that once you become the parent who sacrifises their career/ambition for the children, you will always be that person - your partner’s career continues on as they don’t have the break and it is difficult to readdress that disparity. He/she will then be the main earner and as such any sacrifices in the future will be yours to make too. I don’t want to sound bleak about it - it was absolutely the right decision for me and my kids, but there is always a tiny bit of me that is sad about all that hard work and potential that went by the wayside.

I deeply regret giving up my career to be a sahm. I had my eldest dcs 15 months apart and the childcare costs just ate up my entire salary so I decided to give up work. 4 years later and I wish I had just sucked it up for a few years. I'm now trying to get back into it but it's an uphill struggle as my registration has lapsed (health care professional) .

I found being a sahm negatively affected my mental health and I really didn't enjoy it.

I gave up my 'career' when I took voluntary redundancy during my maternity leave. I had a long commute & not child friendly hours. I stayed home until DD started nursery at 3, then I got a 'job' 2 days per week. I earn don't earn in a month what I used to earn in a week but luckily DH has a well paid job that covers all the day to day things then my paltry wages are for holidays, Christmas etc.

I don't regret it at all, that time with DD has been more important to me than any career but appreciate it's not for everyone. If you can afford to do it I would, my friend had to go back full time when her DS was 6 months old & she hated it but they needed her wage.

I do muse about going back when she starts school in September but doubt I will, I want to be the one to drop her off & pick her up from school & the truth is I've been out of my career that long I would struggle to get back into that field.

I agree with Division, you've made a valid point which is often overlooked. Sharing the "mental load" makes a huge difference!

I was a sahm for 2.5 years and I am convinced you have to be a certain type to enjoy it : you need to be happy with your own company, capable of building a healthy social life with other sahp, capable of finding the motivation to do things like housework, cooking etc., and finding satisfaction in doing them.
I would try to imagine how you would feel about being at home and having to fill the days. Are you the kind of person who could be happy with a homely life?

It has been the right thing for us as a family.
It has been the wrong thing for me as an individual.

I've been a SAHM for 17 years (to 5 dc) and this sums up how I feel about it.

I have basically become a supporting act for my DH and DC. I am on the sidelines. I'm a willing cheerleader and coach and I know I'm appreciated but I will never be on the winning team. I can't pretend that I don't feel sad about that sometimes.

I don't have regrets as such but I do wonder what might have been. One life just isn't enough.

I am currently struggling to get any sort of part-time work. I knew I had given up on a career but I didn't realise I would struggle to find work as a cleaner or cashier. It has really given my confidence a knock and our relationship is feeling more unbalanced as time goes on. The more successful he becomes the more I feel left behind, especially as the dc are getting older and need me less.

I am in a different situation though. We had our first at 17 while I was at 6th form. I never really got the chance to get started, so I had less to give up.

No i don't regret giving up my career, before kids I didn't think it odd of parents I worked alongside to get up at 5am not finish work until 8 or 9pm, working 6 sometimes 7 days a week. But it was not what I wanted and it was made very clear that I could return to my current role post children but there was little concession to accommodate my changing family and work life balance.

I am however very fortunate as i have a hubby who supports me fully and is happy with our financial arrangement (he pays salary into joint acct which I manage )

This has been a really interesting thread, thanks all for sharing. I don’t have children yet but hope to in a few years. I don’t intend to give up my career and am already thinking about future childcare arrangements and what I need to do in my career now to have more flexibility later.

My DM was the higher earner of my parents who gave up work just after I was born as she couldn’t bear being away from me so much. Flexible working wasn’t an option in the 80s. She worked PT for a few years and then become a teaching assistant which she loves but doesn’t pay very much. But my DDad wasn’t ambitious and also never earnt much, the mortgage was based on my mums earnings, and the problems it caused their marriage as Dad never stepped up to be an equal parent or partner at home as ‘he was working’ we’re always a real part of my childhood. I was also conscious of the financial worries and it’s affected how I approach my life and choices. I am extremely close to my mum and glad she was around, but I think our lives would have been far less stressful in some ways if she’d stayed in work. My DDad has just died suddenly younger than retirement age, leaving no savings, and the worry of how my DM will live now is hard.

I am lucky that DP is an equal partner and I’m sure will be an equal parent, but my long term earning potential is definitely higher than his. Security is very important for me and whilst I know the early years of having children will be hard they won’t be young forever and it will get easier, and we’ll have a safer and more comfortable family life overall.

Either regret giving up your career or time with your kids, I would certainly give up the career

Should that not read "Either regret giving up your career or all your time with your kids, I would certainly give up the career"

It's not like if you work you never see them and they are home alone pining and crying. Some fabulous child care options available thay hugely benefit kids and they get the best of both worlds. Kids really don't need to be with their mum 24/7. In fact recent research shows kids who do have that mix develop faster and hit milestones faster.

Very few peoole regret not spending ALL THEIR time with their kids. And if they do, it's seldom for the kids sake and often for their own.

It's not like if you work you never see them and they are home alone pining and crying

It depends what you do, though, doesn't it? A friend of mine went back to work. She was a corporate finance lawyer in a big, prestigious City firm. And she very rarely saw her children (at least, not when they were awake). So she decided to stay at home because the balance simply didn't and couldn't work for her and her family.

It depends on what your DH/DP does as well. I know another lady with a hugely successful City career. Her partner is a SAHD to their two little boys. That works well for them and their kids. I know another couple who are both full time private school teachers. That works for them as they get long holidays to spend with their kids. But two corporate finance lawyers will have kids who don't spend much time with either parent.

As a pp said above, nothing's black and white (and then, ironically, went on to make a pretty black and white statement herself!)