SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

It really doesn't bother me what other people choose (if they are lucky enough) to do
I think most people I know do what they do because there is no choice and they have to but I am quite a hermit
I've been openly criticised by mum's at my son's school though for not going on the pta/helping out in class etc as I have an 'only child and no job'
Apart from criticism I feel invisible. I'm not having a go at anyone, I feel a bit depressed and emotional atm and I most probably shouldn't be posting on mn.
I have a big gap between my third and the older two. I think people just put two and two together and make five

ssd

And that is why I generally avoid SAHP/WOHP threads.
Some people have to work, some choose to.
Some can't or choose not to

Winding each other up about it is just pointless.
I think parents should support each other and not make each other feel guilty about our choices and circumstances.
I realise that won't happen soon.
Some people just can't accept that their way is not the only way.

I've never seen 'why bother to have children'

the only person I've heard say it- EVER- is my mum

my teens and nearly teens are a full time job and their lives are made immeasurably better from having a parent at home and all that involves (though of course they take it utterly for granted). Their lives, our lives. I wouldn't think for a second that this should apply to other families

the thing that concerns me is- what will I do when I kick their arses to Cambridge they leave home? Which is why I'm trying to edge back into education. Which will be self indulgent in the extreme. But still. Got to do something and I'm shit at tennis

Owl

I'm sorry you are being critised and judged. But you don't need to explain yourself to anyone who's questioning why you are not volunteering to help.
I repeat : you don't owe anyone an explanation.
(Big hugs)

Muddha

Unless you want to earn money you could always learnt to crochet and make stuff for Woolly Hugs! It's very fulfilling!!!

I'm even shitter at crafts than I am at tennis Zing

but I love your work

Owl - I'm sorry you are feeling down atm - nobody should be criticizing you. I'm sorry it I upset you.

Muddha - I think you notice the "why bother to have children" line more when you feel it could be aimed at you. In the same way that SAHPs are interpreting my posts as anti-SAHP when they are really not.

WhatamIdoinghere - my children aren't at school 7.15 - 4.30 but they are out of the house that long as the journey my public transport is quite long. Usually either DH or I are at home when they get back, or soon after. I wouldn't advocate leaving them for hours on end either. We're lucky to be able to work at home and flexibly hours (well, part luck, part planning). And I absolutely agree that sometimes "the best you can do" is a caring role. Hope it's been a useful discussion!

Irregular, it's fine, I'm being over sensitive too :( :)
I feel a bit let down by people I suppose. Even though it's really quite obvious my daughter (who is 17) is very disabled, people very much treat it as 'out if sight, out of mind' and I think I'm a bit prickly about it.
She lives at home btw, she just goes to school further away so around school hours she's not with me. She has a severe seizure disorder and autism too so I'm often up in the night and I don't sleep well and sometimes I have to go to bed in the day after walking my dog (who bizarrely keep a me sane)
I don't know how I expect other people to understand though when my own family don't. Alot of family (extended) joke I am a lady that lunches

I don't give headspace to what other people yet I have to contend with judgement off others

As I said a lot earlier everyone's families and circumstances are different. People really don't take that into account enough on threads like this.
I tend to approach things, more and more, that many people are pretty amazing!

I think it has been an interesting discussion, and I understand why irregular has made the points she has. I wonder if it is just slightly harder for WOHP to understand what some SAHP do and why they make that choice (and perhaps vice versa). Personally I find it enlightening to hear from people with so many different ways of making things work, and also useful to remember that people face so many different struggles.

If I am really honest, I have drifted away more from my friends who are SAHP. It may be that the choice to stay at home or not is partly a reflection of our different personalities and experiences, which become more obvious as we get older and spend time on the things that really matter to us. I also think that talking about other people's children is quite boring and that talking about what somebody is doing at work is an easier conversation for many people (although also potentially boring) - so perhaps one of the reasons why SAHP are met with some suspicion is because other people simply don't have the imagination to come up with interesting topics of conversation that don't revolve around either of these things! It seems to me as though we all just need to make a bit more of an effort with each other.

I don't really care what other people do, it's up to them. Personally I wouldn't be a sahm because if he leaves you're screwed and I've seen it happen to a lot of friends. Most people in London need 2 salaries anyway so often it isn't a choice.

Sorry - one more thought. I think that a number of people are very aware that by default it is still expected that it will be the mother giving up her career and staying at home. In particular, childcare is still often seen as something that should be offset against the mother's potential earnings. So while your choices might be absolutely right for you and your family - and other people should just accept that - they are choices that align with an existing societal norm that is gradually being challenged.

For those people who want to challenge this norm, women who choose to stay at home and give up careers can be seen as a threat. It is not a view that I subscribe to (though I admit that I am very aware how many couples simply assume that women will undertake almost all the homemaking and childcare). However, I often wonder if that partly explains why an individual's choice to be a SAHM can be taken almost personally by others - ie they see it as part of a bigger picture that affects everyone in society.

I think that is a misguided view because, ultimately, we are better off moving towards a position where there are no expectations or judgments either way and people simply make the choice that is right for them. However, that may partly explain why you still feel that some people want you to justify your choices as being more than "by default".

I think it's very unfashionable to be a SAHP, at least where I live, once dc are in school. It's even unusual for parents to only work part time with school aged kids. I think it shocks people because they (and most people) couldn't afford to give up work, and in the long term it's risky in terms of a career break and financial security as a woman. I also think we're all used to being busy, and being free during school hours seems indulgent. That's what i would have thought before i had dc. I only have 2 preschoolers and work part time - But 4 children is a big household! I can totally imagine why it's a better option than juggling work as well. It's great you can focus on your family. I'm sure you will all benefit from it greatly.

I dont think its fashionable to stay at home either, or to work around the school hours and holidays and always be about for your children.

I wrote earlier the why mother work on the homepage winds me up a bit and I didnt explain why too well.

What I meant was, when I read it, I felt like writing a page entitled why I took on a crap job and gave up loads so my kids would benefit from me being at home for them. But this sounds goady in the extreme, like I was having a dig at mums who work long days and leave their kids in nursery and wrap round clubs and summer clubs.

I think you cant say, well I like listening to my kids day when they come home from school and like being able to pop to school if they are ill or the class needs volunteers, I like being at home all summer so they can laze around and not be ferried out the door continuously to another club with kids they dont know and cant be bothered going to, I like the fact all their memories of being young are mine too. And its worth being nearly 50 and earning crap money and have no career to have had all this.

But I dont write it, I just feel it. Writing it sounds smug and righteous but they sacrifice made is impossible to understand unless you've been there.

I've made similar choices ssd, or at least taken a similar path.
I'd agree that the thread from the homepage seems a little unbalanced to me - but I guess all threads start from a particular POV

I have come across with the "seems indulgent" view, but haven't thought of the "seem like a threat" idea.

Both valid and food for thought, thanks both for bringing that up, very interesting!

I just feel I'd like to answer the thread on the homepage, but I would be hounded if I did.

Not everyone has a choice, I couldnt leave mine and go to work all day when they were babies and I never had any family support , not that I would have left them with my old mum anyway, it would have been far too much for her. And my career has gone down the plughole because of this and we've been skint for years. But I never felt working was a choice.

Sorry for your situation ssd but that's not the topic of the the thread.

ssd - for what it's worth, your life and reasons for your choices sound very similar to mine, except that I'm not earning anything yet but have no doubt that when I do it will be a pittance.
I'm sure if I'd stayed working I'd be on a good salary by now and we could afford more luxuries. we are comfortable but I certainly don't buy expensive clothes or make-up, our house is nice but a little shabby-looking, our car has seen better days. But I have always thought that when you look back on your life it is the experiences you remember, not the possessions.

Irregular - I think the areas we live in sound quite different as I don't know any SAHMs who live the life you describe, probably why we have different opinions on this!

Are you the Op from the Halloween activity and other school hol threads where you have been criticised on FB and posted here?

Just wondered as many similarities.

Only1scoop - do you mean me, or ssd?
Not me I've never started a Halloween thread, but intrigued now!

No I mean the Op of the thread....

Just me being nosey

Sorry scoop I'm not tell me more!

I have never had an opinion on Halloween and I did have a very good job and I have qualifications, I'm not some hysterical crazy person, just a Mum who has made a decision that's provoked a lot of support and some debate.

Brrrr, I agree with you in spades. This thread has made me feel quite cheery as I've just returned from holiday where I was constantly asked what I did back in the UK (as in work).