SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

^I don't think anyone is ever 100 percent happy with their life and if I did get to that point I would worry. I agree with the above poster who realises that a job can be much more restrictive in using time and talents. I've done both, work, study, work outside and inside the home and always have the feeling I should be doing more/less/something else.

Being able to focus on myself and my family only I'm the most content I have ever been. I think we almost feel guilty at feeling so content when others aren't able to achieve that.^

Well, I think you just need to stop feeling in any way guilty or that you need to justify your choices! I completely agree that women in particular seem to be criticised for our choices no matter what we do, and often feel as though we could be doing more. You have made the choice that works for you and your family. Other women might be unhappy with that choice, just as you might be unhappy with their lives.

I suppose I do think that it is important to have an identity that isn't simply wife/mother/unpaid chauffeur etc. After all, people now have a lot of their lives to fill after their children have left home. But as long as you have that identity in some way, you really have no reason to feel either guilty or smug (not suggesting you are either!) - you should just be a little bit proud that you have made a happy life for yourself and enjoy it!

So are you living off savings or choosing to go on benefits? If it's the latter -

It pisses me off when people say ' I choose to stay at home and raise my children' when really they mean "I'm going to stay at home and let the goverment look after me/us"

If you don't want to work fine, go on the dole but don't expect some one else to pick up the tab if you decide to have kids.

I live on an estate where there are third generations of folk choosing to stay at home and look after their children.

n terms of using our time and talents andinto I've found paid employment, though sometimes rewarding - I've worked mainly in early years, with children and their families - has often been a frustrating framework within which to make best use of my time, and has been generally disappointing in developing my talents in any consistent way - though I have appreciated some of the training opportunities I've had.

I completely agree.

However, one aspect that I do sometimes wonder about in relation to one of my friends in particular is whether she gave up too easily on having any kind of job. I think it is actually similar to other friends who come from very wealthy backgrounds and who have never needed to work. I think that the early years of a career are often tough, and the rewards come a bit later. I have a friend who spent 18 months working (after a very good degree) then completely gave it up as soon as she was married and didn't "need" to work. This is quite different to the choice to be a SAHM, but I do sometimes wish on her behalf that she had stuck out working a little bit longer because I think she would have enjoyed it eventually, and it would be good for her to have more than 18 months work experience if she ever wants to get a job in the future. But it is a very specific situation, and I certainly don't think that paid employment is necessary to have personal fulfilment. There are many other ways that people can lead happy, full lives. And even though I work full time (albeit in a career with flexibility in terms of hours), I absolutely see the choice to be a SAHM as valid.

What the hell are people going to do when benifits are taken away?

I don't claim benefits, my husband is self employed and we've been together for twenty years and I've only not worked for two of those.
My dd does get DLA but she's very severely disabled and she's nearly seventeen. All her money goes into a different account to cover the costs of her disability (ha ha)

Does that help? Today I've watched legends of the fall :( had an afternoon nap, done some light housework and walked the dog. I've also done a couple more chapters of the book my mum bought me (the dressmaker) it's very easy reading :o

Mind you I've also watched judge rinder

Who mentioned the dole

Who mentioned the dole

OP, I felt so much better when I made the decision not to give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my life. DH is happy, the kids are happy and I'm happy so that's all that really matters. For us, me staying at home even when the kids are at school, has given our family far more balance.

Cigarette, why do you have to be one or the other of those to be a sahm?
I'm a sahm but my partner works 60+ hours a week, we've three, soon to be four dc and one day a week I care for my disabled mother. We are not on the dole and I argue that dp is doing 2x full time hours, enough to support us all and be able for me to stay at home.

Dole? We don't even claim child benefit
That is one of the assumptions that leads to snippy, belittling comments.

Ciggarette - no one has mentioned dole or benefits? I am a SAHM but we don't claim anything at all. Think you may have read the thread wrong.

makingmiracles - yes my DH also works more than the average number of hours per week, due to the nature of his job he often has to do late nights, so I also figure he is putting in the hours for both of us. I do sometimes feel guilty that I get to spend more time with the kids than he does but it was a joint decision to work it this way, however we try and make sure that in his free time he can be with the family and do activities with the kids, as I don't want them to just think of him as working all the time.

Fundamentally, I think that whether you are claiming benefits, living off your partner's income, or spending your inheritance is fairly irrelevant. What matters is how you are spending your time.

I spent yesterday mumsnetting and building rockets out of duplo! Hence today housework, weekly shop maybe park after school run....

If you can afford it and your lives are better it is fine! I think looking after household even if kids are at school for a few hours is hard work. It is your choice and others can make their own and each should respect the others actions.

I worked ft till dc3, working was easier but the chaos at home was gutty, housework is boring but its a trade off for nice afternoons feeding the ducks, plus ds 1 is doing much better at school as I have the time and energy to help him rather than trying to supervise while catching up on a weeks washing. Judge rinder is also a consideration😁 I don't like the assumption you must be on benefits and that hard working people are paying for my children unfortunately it comes up a lot and can be hurtful to someone less thick skinned.

I do not live in a huge house or have lots of money (DP pays the bills, we don't claim benefits) but have chosen to be a SAHM even though my DC are in school. DP has also had a stint as a SAHD and we have also both worked and put DC in child care so I suppose you could say we've tried most options. I don't judge parents who choose to both work (either for financial reasons or for personal satisfaction etc). My decision has been made as part of a lifestyle re-evaluation and we are all happier (if less well off).

However, I find that I am constantly being asked about when I plan to go back to work/what I want to do next- even by people who barely know me. I would not dream of asking working a working parent when they plan to take more time off with their DC (and no one ever asked me this) but it seems questioning my decision to stay at home is acceptable.

The other day I went to see a financial adviser (we think we could get a better deal on our mortgage- not looking to borrow more and not in difficulties so no real reason to be quizzing me about earning potential). When I confirmed that I have no income of my own he joked 'Oh, better keep DP sweet until you go back to work then'.

When I mention the reasons that I left work (never seeing children, children not liking to be out of the house so long, no time to help with homework/DC emotional needs, DC missing out on after school clubs, spending evenings and weekends cooking and cleaning etc) I get lots of 'useful' advice about employing cleaners, part time nanny, washing and ironing services etc. People also question whether I get bored as a SAHM. Many suggest possible part time jobs (ironically frequently doing similarly domestic work to what I do at home. So the message seems to be that doing these domestic chores for pay is not boring and is valuable but doing them for my own family will leave me unstimulated and has no value.

I have taken on voluntary roles partly for my own satisfaction/giving something back but if I am completely honest partly so that I will be judged less harshly for not being in paid employment.

Chunky mum - I've found people can be arses about sahm! Ironically the worst offenders are working pt in jobs they constantly whinge about.
As for help I used to be in a massive panic before my cleaner came finish a days work and clear up for the cleaner because I had school runs and work In the morning! Hovering myself is less stressful!

Chunky mum I really do Relate to your reasons for not working!

Cowgirl it's a win win not having a housekeeper now I have 2 teenagers. No-one in the house to see my lack of hoovering mostly and much more incentive and time for me to get the DC trained up to take over

I have been watching this thread as it really struck a chord with me, so thought I'd finally add my bit! I am SAHM (personally I prefer to call myself a housewife as I find it really annoys some people) to one 8 year old. I took voluntary redundancy after having breast cancer and realising how much I hated my job anyway. DH works full time in a stressful job and often has to work long hours, and he earns quite a bit more than I used to. It was a no-brainer for me to stop working, and a joint decision.

We have enough money to live on (by no means lots - think camping/caravan holidays rather than abroad every year) but our quality of life is vastly improved and we are loads happier. However the snipeyness I have encountered from other parents has at times been breath taking! I've been asked if I watch Jeremy Kyle all day (only done half tongue in cheek, and in front of others for maximum comedy effect), surely I'm "better" now and can go back to work (but we don't want me to!), surely it's only for a while (er no, DH and I quite like it actually and it works well for our family!), I'll probably end up getting some "mum" job (patronising much?). Recently I was looked up and down by a "hard working" mum from DD's class who said "You don't want for anything do you!" like I was some kind of kept woman! Another has suggested I open up a coffee shop as I like baking cakes as I need something more to do.

The world is made of so many different types of people, and we are all muddling along trying to find our way and do the best for our family. Who cares if my days are spent cleaning the house, organising all our admin, booking our holidays, planning birthdays, having DD's friends round to play, volunteering for two local organisations, going for coffee with friends? It works for me, my DH, and DD.

Been reading this thread with interest.
I am a sahm and my youngest is 9 and at school obvs. My other kids are adults and working. I have my grandson 2 &1/2 days a week too.

15 years ago we moved the USA with dh's job. Massive promotion, huge opportunity for growth in his career etc. I was working 12 hour shifts as a nurse and juggling that with dh's almost constant overseas travel - the thought of moving abroad and not having to work was fab!!!!
I knew it would mean my nursing career would go on the back burner but that was ok, I reckoned I could always pick it back up later.

Fast forward 15 years we are back in the UK and I haven't worked unless you count brief stint supporting a friend's child with additional needs in local nursery.
Dh still travels overseas US/Asia Pacific so trying to work around that is very hard.
I love that we don't have stress of childcare for ds- we live rurally and there are NO childminders/after school care etc.

I have had some mums look down their nose at me but most don't give a damn!
I do feel a bit less confident than when I was working as most women with school age kids work so I feel sometimes that I SHOULD work but God knows what I'd do!!
I do get the awkward feeling when people ask what I do! I should be in the 50's I think!!!

I guess it depends on what people think is a worthwhile way to spend your time. Unfortunately in our society childcare is not seen as a skilled, valued job.

Before having children, I worked for a government linked organisation. It did not feel a worthwhile use of my time. It was one of those roles you go into with good intentions that soon get quashed by bureaucracy and paper-pushing. I would sit in endless meetings listening to people debate point 3.5 of a document just because they felt they had to contribute something; see money being squandered on pointless re-branding exercises; type up reports of meetings I knew no-one would read; sit in dull conferences literally watching the seconds of my life ticking away. Also career wise I did not feel this was a direction I wanted my life to go in.

So whilst childcare (especially in the early days) can seem like an endless cycle of bottom wiping, cooking, clearing, washing, and not that intellectually stimulating, compared to my previous job it felt like I was actually doing something worthwhile. Once I realised that I valued myself as a mother, I wanted to carry on, and did not want to go back to an office job to earn money to pay for someone else to raise my children.

Of course this is not the case with everyone, lots of people have jobs they really enjoy and careers they don't want to put on hold. Also for others they simply can't afford not to work. So I don't like to judge others. But I do resent being judged.

But this isn't about whether childcare is valued. This is about parents of school age children. Once your children are all at school, and certainly once they get to secondary school age, you don't really do much less 'childcare' by working - especially if it is local/part-time/term-time/mainly school hours type work. Different if you are flying all round the world every week. At 12 and 13 my children leave the house at 7 or 7.30 and return at about 4.30 and don't need full on 'care' when they are at home. That's a lot of housework and pilates.

To all those who feel guilty about staying home or going to work I offer this little gem of wisdom:

"You don't need to explain yourself. Your friends don't need it, your enemies will ignore it"

This will be me in September and I can't bloody wait!

I've been a SAHM for 8 years, within that time I have fulfilled various voluntary roles too. I've had times for sure when I've felt inferior and undervalued, but that has been about how I've been treated by a handful of people and nothing to do with my conviction that it's right for my family.

I have no plan for September. I do have vague ideas floating around about taking on new volunteering roles. If I didn't want to do that, I also think that is fine, it just happens that I do. In time, I may retrain, but I'm in no rush.

DH recently had a conversation with his best friend, which I initially felt put out about as his friend had basically inferred I was lazy for not desiring to rush back into the work place in September. The word 'doss' was used. I asked if he reminded the friend about all the voluntary work I've done, plus supporting friends practically during hard times etc, and he said, "Nope, I didn't feel the need to justify our choice. I said if you fancy a little of your own time after being at home with the children for 8 years then I support and encourage that. You've worked hard." Suddenly I realised I had no cause to be upset.

We're all individuals with different dreams, desires, values, and even varying capacity for how much we choose to take on in life.

As an aside, can someone please point me in the direction of where to claim all these lovely benefits I've been missing out on?! :D