SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

I have been known to call myself a housewife........people really don't like it!
I thought the idea of feminism was we could choose. I choose to drink tea and play duplo when the littlest goes to school I think I will choose to nap....

Exactly Gowgirl ... choice!

We are simply choosing the best option as we see it (or sometimes in the short term, the only option) from those offered to us.

If people don't like it maybe they could make the other options more attractive with better, equal, pay: good working conditions and care for the well-being of staff: family friendly hours: good, readily available, convenient and affordable childcare: flexibility for family needs: job security etc. etc.

Then, if it became the best option for some of us, some of the time, we'd be likely to choose that option instead. As indeed many mothers already do (including myself for roughly half of the last ten years)

I'm interested in this idea that looking after a family constitutes 'light housework'. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing for 5 people? Add in maintaining the garden and minor DIY... It's hardly just waving a feather duster around for 5 minutes a day. Saying that a SAHP has 13 hours a day is simplistic because it doesn't take into account illnesses, holidays, INSET days, clubs, appointments... (We had a phase where every week for a month someone was ill).

Also, just because you can leave teenagers at home on their own, doesn't mean you should. When I was as a teenager my mum worked full-time, and looking back it probably wasn't the best thing for a shy, insecure teenager to be at home alone for hours on end. My mum had no choice, but I do remember that I hated coming back to an empty house.

I think it's a very tricky thing to judge other people's worth looking from the outside. Many highly talented scientists/musicians/artists were terrible parents!
If someone spends their day watching tv, living in a pigsty, neglecting their kids, I don't honestly think that is a conscious choice they have made, I think they lack the emotional/mental capacity to live in a different way (which is why we have social services).

I have accepted that I am not going to go down in the history books, I won't be a renowned politician or famous actor or lauded artist... However I try and live in the best way I can, give my kids a happy warm home where they feel loved and cared-for, instill in them moral values and self-worth; look after myself; care for and support my family and friends; and lastly to 'tread lightly on the earth'. That's it. Might not seem much to others.

13 hours a day (7am - 8pm specifically) was the amount one poster said she was working on household tasks for - tasks that the household would have to pay someone to do if she didn't do them. I raised a (virtual) eyebrow at this. And still do.

"Light housework" was just one example of one way for someone to spend their time. Not meant to capture everything a SAHP does.

No need to raise eyebrows. I wasn't clear enough.
I look after kids when DH as work and as we have a pre-schooler and a toddler of course that's a full time job.

But if I went to work we'd have to pay someone to look after children - I was comparing it to DH's job that is long ours so if I did the same, well, it wouldn't be feasible.

Once they are all in full time education I will have 5.5 hours everyday to get everything done - for a family of 9 trust me there's a lot to do and again if we paid someone to just cover those 5.5hrs every day that would be a ridiculous amount of money.

Plus there will still be before and after school childcare & help and that amounts to at least 13 hrs/day for a fair few years.

I hope that's clearer.
If you choose not to believe that this is my situation with 7 children there's not much else I can say.
Apart from that I'm happy to be a housewife and full time mum and glad I have the luxury to be one and the blessing that is a large family. I love it.

Excuse typos

I haven't got time to justify myself to people who are so judgemental
Everybody's life has worth and its attitudes of judgement of life value that cripple people like my severely disabled daughter further.
Honestly, you need to think about what you are writing and that applies to everyone

"I think it's a very difficult thing to judge a person's life looking from the outside" curlup
Yes, much better just not to hey Owllady?

And to just give everyone a fundamental equal respect and trust that most people are doing their best in their own circumstances?

I actually find it quite upsetting. If people are happy and are not hurting anyone, I really don't see the problem.
My daughter would die if I didn't care for her and that applies to lots of children, especially when taking into account people's earning power.
My daughter will never work, does that mean her life is worth less and has no value? Unless you are a complete hateful bigot, then no. Everybody's life has worth and value. The person who has the biggest impact on my life was my late sister and she scarcely worked because she was so unwell. But I loved her so much and she was such a special person, her worth was priceless.
Life really isn't all about money. It's about love, care and happiness and fulfilment and dignity. That is worth more than anything.
There is no cure for cancer but when you are on deathbed how kind you have been to people, how you have been loved is worth more than you've ever earned at work.

A lovely and wise post Owllady
Completely agree with all you've said there.

Just to say too that we are getting there with cancer - I have thankfully known several people who have survived it. Hopefully we can make progress there too.

Argh! Sorry Zing - I hadn't realised you were the same person with 7 children and a couple not at school yet (I don't always keep track of user names very well)

This thread was supposed to be about SAHMs with school age children. And the average family has 2-3 children. So that was what I was envisaging. I stand by my believe that if you have 2-3 children, all of whom who are at school all day, then basic child/house related chores do not take 13 hours a day. In fact I KNOW they don't , as we do all of them bar 4 hours that the cleaner does each week. Of course SAHMs may be doing all sorts of other things, but the basic house/child stuff does not take that long.

I think if you have young children at home all day then that is quite different. And I've already said that I could see that a household of 7 children could keep you busy most of the day even if they were all at school!

Who on here has said that it is all about earning money? I don't think anyone has?

irregular

When we had 3 housework didn't take 13 hours. It doesn't take that much now. So we agree on that
What I said was that time spent with childcare plus everything else does. And when DH is away it's 24/7.

I think there's no meat left to chew off this particular bone

I don't think anyone who has replied here has the kind of lifestyle that I had in mind when I "confessed" that I do, sometimes, secretly judge. I live in an affluent area and there is a non-negligible contingent of 40+ women whose lives seem to consist largely of lunches out, shopping, tennis, pilates, re-decorating their houses, having their hair done...

These women must have other options. I can't help thinking "Is that it? Is that really the best you can do?"

But I'm very polite.

But that usually is the upshot of it. Women or men who stay at home to care for their children, whether they are little or otherwise, are in the financial position to do so or its not financially viable for them to return to work. One doesn't trump the other. I've done every scenario from working full time to now not working in paid employment at all. It really is nobody else's business what I do or don't do but it appears what I do is up for discussion because I'm not in paid employment. Well I'm sorry, but it isn't and I wonder why it bothers other people so much

But why shouldn't they do tennis and lunch all day?
If that makes them happy, fit, fullfilled, emotionally /mentally balanced, better able to cope with whatever else life throws at them why does it matter?

I don't know why it annoys you

I didn't mean "all day" as in doing nothing else!

But what if they aren't really doing anything much else apart from those sorts of things. They usually have cleaners too...

It doesn't "annoy" me as such - unless they combine it with the "oh I'm SO busy, I'm rushed off my feet, I have to meet so-and-so at the spa later, I couldn't possibly..."

I think we've probably had enough of this now. It would have been nice if someone else had acknowledged that our choices about how we spend our time do matter, that not all activities are equal - that caring for your children is probably more worthwhile than certain paid jobs, for example - but I surrender!

what's always bollocksed me over my time on mn is- WHY, on any thread with SAHP, does a non SAHP come on and tell everyone off?

I've never seen it the other way round

I mean, it might happen. But I've never seen it.

It does make me wonder how happy people are with their own lot, tbh. I could never be arsed judging other people and how they live their lives, or manage their own domestic set ups. Different strokes and that.

oh Muddha, I've certainly seen SAHPs criticize mothers who work. The classic "why bother to have children" line springs to mind.

I hate the "oh I'm so busy" thing too.

I don't know why it matters if they don't do much else but having a good time.
Good for them. There are enough miserable people in the world, it's nice to see people who can do what they want.

the homepage here winds me up a bit, why mums go out to work, all the replies just seem a bit sanctimonious eg, I work to be a role model to my daughter crap.....I personally think showing your kids you dont mind making sacrifices to stay at home and look after them yourself is enough of a role model for anyone, yet without a great career and big wage it seems I've been a crap mother

Muddha

Why? Probably jealousy?

I think people are very naive to think that it's the best thing to leave teenagers regularly alone for long periods is OK. The busiest time of my day is when my teenagers come home and i talk about their day, their plans, help with homework and revision and partake in general chit-chat. This is so so important, building and maintaining relationships with your adolescents.
My children are in school 9am-3pm, not 7.15-4.30.
Added to this, when working did I spend every hour working? no. DH has quiet times at work where he can chat/laze about- so the time he is doing this is worthless?
Sometimes for people 'the best they can do' is play a caring role, be it to their families, their neighbours, friends or their wider community. The best they can do is to actually go straight to school when their child is ill, go on school trips to help take the burden off staff.
It takes allsorts to build communities and nobody has the right to judge without thinking through properly what the impact on present and future communities could be, should every Mother be forced to work.

Personally I do agree there is a proportion of people who stay at home and lay about and possibly neglect their children. I am not promoting that. My original post was actually triggered by the shame I have been conditioned to feel for focusing mainly on looking after my family. I have got used to the ideas and been encouraged by other peoples stories and I am even more sure of my decision.

Did I even say I worked? Maybe I did. I can't remember and it isn't really relevant.