SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

If it works for you and your family then great! It's really nobody else's business. I am also quite jealous!

I'm a sahm to a 5 year old and soon a baby. I'm not ashamed of our choice anymore, I used to be really embarrassed, I felt that a lot of people saw me as of no interest/incapable of adding anything to a conversation simply because I don't work. I don't justify our decision to anyone anymore, if it works for you and your family you shouldn't care what others think.

Enjoy your family, I would love to do the same... Just to 'be' with your family however work from home & have to divide time between making my DS happy or earning also have two members of family very poorly with cancer

Surely to live off someone is to take and give nothing back? unless you are SAHP to an extremely wealthy individual who could maintain their lifestyle without your input (lets assume that for the majority of people on this thread that this is the case...), then is it not that both are dependent on one another? If I buggered off DH would be snookered! his career would certainly be down the pan as there is no way he could afford child care for the hours that he has to work.

This is aside from the fact that the term 'living off someone' is a bit nasty and negative (whether in your opinion its fact or not).

I also laugh on these thread when people start with 'I don't work' or 'I haven't worked for years' I wonder what I'm doing wrong, I've never worked so hard in all my life as a SAHP...I used to be able to earn a very good salary in a previous life with much less exhaustion!

Living off their Dh I think must be a joke. Lots of women actually facilitate their DH careers and lifestyles.
Most of the time these women don't work for the sake of their whole family, often extended family. Many women also volunteer. And contribute to the wider community and society. Reading with your children, giving lifts, helping in plays, making costumes, scenery, reading with your child, baking etc etc.

Ds is ill this week and he has been able to stay at home with no stress of getting time off work. No stress of sending him to school and spreading germs and no worrying that he's spent the day in the sick room worrying.
No stress for DH as he knows I'm here.

Anyone who views a marriage or relationship as one living off the other has got it all wrong.

The last few lines of your post, you've got it so right

Hi OP - with four children I am sure you are really busy! I do wonder though if feeling you need to justify what you are doing means that perhaps you are not 100% happy with it? I may be completely wrong here, but do you feel you are making the most of your time and talents? Of course it is possible to do that while being a SAHM, but I really think that if you are happy with your choices then you shouldn't need to justify them. I have friends who are in a similar situation, and when they really open up, they often admit that they have personal ambitions that they have put on the back burner slightly.

In terms of using our time and talents andinto I've found paid employment, though sometimes rewarding - I've worked mainly in early years, with children and their families - has often been a frustrating framework within which to make best use of my time, and has been generally disappointing in developing my talents in any consistent way - though I have appreciated some of the training opportunities I've had.
I'm now looking forward to starting a course in counselling and have more hope that my time and talents could be put to good use within the voluntary sector. I may enable this by seeking P/T work in the retail sector if I can find favourable hours and an agreeabe working environment.

I don't think anyone is ever 100 percent happy with their life and if I did get to that point I would worry. I agree with the above poster who realises that a job can be much more restrictive in using time and talents. I've done both, work, study, work outside and inside the home and always have the feeling I should be doing more/less/something else.

Being able to focus on myself and my family only I'm the most content I have ever been. I think we almost feel guilty at feeling so content when others aren't able to achieve that.

"and statistically our family set up means my children are more likely to become happy, productive (tax paying!!) members of society"

do you any evidence of that??? I'm fairly sure I've seen evidence to the contrary i.e., that the children of working mothers tend to do better at school etc. I'll go look for it now.

qz.com/434056/working-moms-have-more-successful-daughters-and-more-caring-sons-harvard-business-school-study-says/

now I wouldn't take this too seriously as a reason to work - but I do object to claims that "statistically" children of SAHMs are more successful

I'll be perfectly honest. In a few cases, I do feel that some (not many) SAHPs are frittering away their lives a bit. I would never, ever say anything - or even imply anything - as it isn't any of my business, but I do occasionally have to bite my tongue when these people claim to be too busy (why don't they just say they don't want to help???).

I think some people are confusing different cases. The situation of a SAHP with young, pre-school age children is totally different from one with secondary school aged children. Being the parent a 12 and 13 yr old (as I am) is categorically not a full time job! Neither is 'looking after the house' unless you have a stately home and grounds. The argument about how being paid to look after someone else's children being valued but not looking after your own no longer makes much sense as the children get older. I don't pay anyone to look after my children any more, except a very small amount of sports clubs in the summer holidays if they want to.

I think whether you are paid or not is fairly irrelevant - as long as you have enough to get by. What's relevant is how satisfied you are by the way you are spending your hours, your days, your life. I see SAHPs who are clearly doing a lot for not just for their family, but also for their community, for charities etc. I also see SAHPs who aren't doing very much as far as I can see. Though, to be far, I also see people in paid employment which is also not obviously worthwhile! And yes, I do judge.

Well I think it's a little unreasonable of you to judge irregular as each person will have a unique set of circumstances surrounding the situation of being at home, focusing on their children and family life.
People make this choice or find themselves without employment outside the home because it seems the best choice for them at the time, or for a period of time it just is (they might have recently lost a job for example)
Also their physical and/or mental health may not be 100% making the additional commitment of a job difficult to take on or maintain.
Of course you might have an opinion about someone else's life and how it compares to your own, but bear in mind that you might not know all the factors involved.
Also does seem a little that you're making a bit of a blanket judgement.
And IMHO any judgement - and really is it necessary to make one - can only be on an individual basis.
Personally I think you'd find that most people have their reasons, which can be quite a complex mix of factors that may not always be immediately apparent.

Thanks for the thread OP, it's been interesting to read of others experiences. You seem to have found a very good balance yourself in how you spend your time and energies.

You have four children and you care for a poorly relative, you don't have to justify that to anyone :)

I don't work but I've got three children, one who has a severe disability. If anyone is derogatory about it, they are no longer someone I would like to socialise with. I prefer to have kind, open minded friends who aren't rude and judgemental.

I know. I was being slightly provocative. Of course there are all sorts of different circumstances which make it the right option - or pretty much the only option - at the time. Some of these I may not be aware of (though in some cases I'm pretty sure I have the full picture). Elderly relative, more children, special needs, disabilities etc all change the story.

But that almost reinforces my point that not all SAHP situations are the same. Yes, it's none of my business, up to the individual etc etc. But fundamentally I don't think all lifestyles are equally worthwhile and to say anything else would be dishonest. I don't think that being paid to develop marketing campaigns for cigarettes is particularly worthwhile. Nor do I think that spending your days doing pilates and a bit of light housework is all that noble. Which isn't to say I am a paragon of virtue by any means!

If someone is going around judging everyone else's lifestyle then it suggests to me they must be somewhat unfulfilled by their own. I am happy with my choices and the inevitable compromises that follow. I am also happy to leave others to it unless asked for help or guidance. I very much appreciate when others have the same approach.

I usually work school hours. I know I'm very lucky to be able to work in an industry I love, for the hours that suit me. I love my job and therefore what my husband earns is irrelevant to whether I want to work or not.

I have no problem at all with what other people choose to do with their time. The only times I've ever felt pissed off towards SAHMs is when, over the years, the odd one has made snotty remarks about me not being a SAHM. One said she "didn't have children to farm off on somebody else", I've also been told that "it's a shame you have to sacrifice your home life to bring in a bit of extra money" .

SAHMs like these seem think it's still the 1950's and a mother could only be working because she'd been forced to by being on the breadline. I appreciate that most of them are normal though!

I'm a WOHM mum and to be honest look at my friends in your situation with envy. I love my job and am lucky that I can work flexibly as can dh so dd only goes to childminder a couple of days a week. But I would love to be a SAHM and be there for her more. It would also make our lives so much easier.
I say enjoy it for as long as you can. They need you just as much as they did before they started school. Enjoy your life!

That's a remarkable leap of logic howabout! And I don't think that "going around judging other people's lifestyles" quite captures it. I'd certainly never say anything. But don't you think that when you give real thought to how you want to spend your own life, whether it is working/volunteering/childcare/housework/leisure that you implicitly form opinions on other people too? Or when you consider discussions like this?

I don't believe that I am the only person who thinks that some activities/roles are more worthwhile than others - and I don't think there is anything wrong with that view.

I agree with howabout. It's nobody else's business what I choose to do it not do in my spare time (ie when they are at school) whether it be Pilates or walking the dog. I have no obligation whatsoever to do voluntary work (I do Fwiw I'm on the committee for a residential children's home but it takes very little time)

irregular - how did you know? I have put a load of washing on, been to Pilates, tidied the house, and been to the supermarket. Nice to read that my lifestyle isn't noble. And there I was feeling all pleased with myself for doing something about my woeful pelvic floor.

I have two DDs and work full time. I could not possibly give up work because most of my identity is tied up with my work. Plus, there are few jobs around and mine is Very Good Indeed, so taking a break while the sprogs are little is not a possibility. DH works full time; we pay crippling amounts in nursery fees, and it has only got more difficult since the elder started school.

We just about manage, but nothing which is not the bare minimum in the house gets done and we are constantly tired ...and kind of permanently waiting for it all to get a bit less stressful. If we had more than two I am pretty sure I wouldn't cope, and I am beginning to really think it's much more difficult with school agers.

I love my job, but I suspect I cannot keep this up forever. I am not sure how I would wind back without it being some kind of admission of defeat. This irritates me more than I can put into words: I am a grown up, independent woman, benefitting hugely from the women before me who gave me these options. I have no idea how it is sensible for me to have the gut feeling that without my job I would cease to be me, when logically I know that the kids are on a different scale of importance. MADNESS. The whole point is that we now have a hard-won choice; why do we then restrict ourselves to thinking there isn't one, or that one is less right?

OP - you have made a GOOD choice.

OP, staying at home takes the pressure off everybody.

I didn't work for years, I kept all the plates spinning and balls in the air. It made everyone's life easier.

Now I'm a lone parent working part time, and it's hard. I would rather not work as have 4 DCs and I miss the ease of life. But, don't fall into the trap that as a SAHP your role is to do everything for everyone. It ISNT. Your DCs still need to learn to do their bit, be independent and play their part. It's important for them as individuals.

I started off doing everything because as a SAHP what else was I there to do? It was a mistake. I'm now teaching them how to cook, how to carry their laundry to the washing basket and how to put plates in the dishwasher. Although that might be normal teenagery stuff regardless of having a SAHP or not.

I get the comments, I don't work, I will probably never go back to paid work, however I am mum to 3, wife to 1 plus cook, cleaner, housekeeper, nurse, taxi, tutor to name a few and a pretty damn good people manager!
Our house is much happier since we decided I would stay home.

It's good to get a range of experiences and opinions but I do disagree with putting a value on someone's lifestyle.

Is there a value in being there for your family and spinning all the plates? Caring and being there, looking after the home etc etc. Of course sometimes there will be times when a SAHP has not much to do or can choose leisure, but that's the point about being there.

Teenagers don't need you to do everything for them but there is a massive value or even necessity that you are present for a lot of the time. I spent most of half term helping with exam revision and was fortunate enough to be able to do that at our leisure during the day. I think parents of younger children in nursery realise that once school starts, things become a whole lot more complicated.

As for judging I'm not sure I judge as I really don't care what anyone else chooses unless they're wanting an opinion or criticising my life.

If someone told me to get a job then would I be justified in telling them they should spend more time with their kids? Probably.

I have a daughter and my hope for her is that she will always have a choice and be able to choose a way of life that suits her and her family.