SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

YADNBU. I am a SAHM to 3 under 7's. Just discussing this with DH at the weekend. I do not want to work. I want to be there for my kids, whenever they need me. I have a degree, loads of voluntary experience, and plenty of contacts. But, there is no way I could the job I have trained for and be around for school runs, school holidays and kids being sick etc.
DH is a higher earner and travels a lot, so it makes sense for me to stay at home. I might change my mind in the future, but I am happy as I am now. Good luck.

I have been a SAHP parent for a long time. In my early 30s I used to get all these comments. Now I am nearly 50 a lot of the fellow Mums of teenagers I know are starting to question their decision to stay on the treadmill.

Completely agree with brrr

I think this is an issue like BF where there is no right answer for everyone and most women have sensitivities about whichever choices they have made. I also think politicians of all persuasions have been pushing the "paid work ethic" for a long time and it has undermined mothers and the work of parenting as a whole. I watched a report the other evening about DC being abandoned in China so their parents can both work in the City. It sometimes feels like the UK is headed the same way. I am about to vote in the Scottish elections. All but one of the main party leaders is childless and yet they expect to convince me of their expertise in supporting family life, education and childcare choice. There is also much talk about future generations. I am unconvinced.

(Today is the day the ramifications of the new basic pension are finally being better understood. Anyone giving up work with no DC of 12 and under needs to be keeping track of their NI record very carefully - the DM has an outline article but so far the gov.uk pages are pretty opaque on pointing out the effect of the changes).

I've been a stay at home mother since my youngest was born. I have four children and have a husband who works insanely long hours, travels internationally a lot, and I just couldn't juggle my career (where I was also travelling a lot, mostly in Europe) with being a good mother and wife any more. I was stressed at home, at work - just all the time, and no-one was very happy, least of all me.

I now volunteer at school, in my local hospice and spend the rest of my time walking the dog, playing tennis, riding etc - I can attend every meeting/play/concert/match etc for my children and know that whatever anyone else thinks, I am doing the best for MY family. Yes, I have days when I am bored and sometimes wish that my brain was being stretched more, so then I sign up to some of the free OU courses (last year I did a forensic psychology course and a coding one) and generally am so much happier.

I will go back to work at some point - but at the moment, with children in Yr1, Yr3, Yr6 and Yr7, I know that being the best mother I can be is the best start I can give them. I'm lucky enough that DH earns enough to support us and that I know that I will go back to work at some point, in order to make sure that I make up the last few years that I need in my pension. (However, I know that I am going to inherit a significant sum so that does help me feel less stressed about my old age!!).

To answer your question - I've stopped justifying myself or frankly caring what other people think. People will judge whatever you do - but if it works for you and your family, who cares?!

The other thing they say is that you're 'living off your husband'. You're not 'living off' your DH, you're providing essential services with the family income. I've reflected that OK, so if you WOH you earn money and maybe put aside something for a pension, and don't have to rely on DH, but on the other hand you're as likely (if not more) to lose your job through redundancy or incapacity of some kind as you are to lose your DH through separation, divorce or (heaven forbid) premature death. Touch wood (gripping my pencil here ) my DH in his line of work has proved a whole lot more reliable so far than the job market in the field I trained in.

brr I'm in a very similar situation as you. I quit a very good career to be at home, mainly to look after my 8yo DD with non-ASD behavioural problems and the home. If I worked it caused her meltdowns, anxiety and generally made life for the rest of the family a bit shit.

I also get carer's allowance. My friend's husband takes great pleasure in telling me that I shouldn't be living off benefits and my husband when I'm quite capable of going out to work, which is what I should be doing. Not sitting on my arse all day drinking coffee and watching Jezza Kyle

I have done both when my dds were growing up i worked full time and thought I was showing them a good example of what women should do. We had great holidays savings etc amd life as i thought was good.I was made redundant a few years back and have now been a stay at home parent with my ds something I never thought I'd enjoy but it has transformed everyone's life's. I have been able to take ds to parent and toddler groups swimming lessons, Joe jingles, library visits etc. Even though he us now at school full-time I love the fact that I can cook a meal for everyone to eat together , take up a hobby, meet new people and get to know my kids friends. My ds is a much more confident and social kid than his siblings were at that age and I believe this is due to all the pre school activities we did together. My dds now realise that they can't have everything at the drop of a hat anymore but they appreciate the fact that can bring theirs friends home after big school. Life is so much better but I still find myself tongue-tied and embarrassed when I meet ex colleagues who are still in full time work especially women bizarrely.

I need to read this thread properly later.

I'm feeling so conflicted, I was high achieving but had a bit of a breakdown. Would be easier if we already had the nice house, nice area and high earning husband as some do but as he's self employed I feel I "ought" not to be cutting off my future earning potential. I'm v bright and wish I'd trained in the area I wanted to pre kids and had more flexibility work wise...

Thanks for the thread OP

I'm a SAHM to two teenagers ATM
I've worked on and off in early years pre-school & TA work over the last ten years (since DC were at school)
Pay and conditions and job security in this work is dire and so ATM it's an "off" period.
I'm looking forward to starting an interesting P/T course at local college next month in an un-related are that could lead to future employment possibilities. Or not. Will be interesting anyway!
My physical and mental health are OK but not 100% - I try to do things to help with this, one of these things is probably not being in employment
DH has a steady job which sometimes involves working abroad - in fact he's away ATM.
So I'm here keeping the home fires burning
And supporting my DC through upper secondary years and exam seasons.

For now we've found a balance that works reasonably well for us.
Our society is a bit unbalanced in the value it places on paid employment IMO Other things are very important too

No don't kid yourself. You're living off your dh. Which is fine if you're both happy with that, no one else's business but your own.

After taking voluntary redundancy from my part time job two years ago,, I've been a single SAHM to dds aged 12 and 14. They are adopted and have a range of behavioural and emotional problems, require a heck of a lot of input, and I also have a lot of appointments with social workers, psychologists etc. My dds are very demanding when they are at home so my only respite is when they are at school. I do sometimes feel a bit odd about not working, and it doesn't help that my high flying best friend has just got promoted again, is earning mega bucks, and is quite scathing about people who don't work. But it is what it is and I try not to feel too guilty. Lots of people on here are saying the same thing - that they are doing what's right for their family. It's not a very fashionable view but if I can give my dds stability by being at home, surely that's the most important job in the world.

Wol1968 this was my situation: my taking 4 years out without work or training coincided with a time in dh''s career when he could do really well if he put the hours in. So I took on the bulk of the childcare for those years. We could not have paid for that essential service if I'd been working, nursery fees are too high.

Of course, that was a risk for me as a person who'd left a career, and no marriage is 100% - I had to weigh up the potential risks of dh leaving me for someone else, work out to whose ultimate benefit it was that I didn't work. On paper, he held all the financial cards, and that did feel wrong - I'm not going to say I was neutral about it. In the long term though it gave the family a real financial advantage we could not have gained, and it's my turn now: I trained, and work very hard and dh takes on much more than his 50% share of domestic and childcare duties.

If I look back, and think of the comments people made at the time, I really feel like they had very little understanding of the nuance, and no faith in dh either. I know men bugger off all the time, or I could have, but I had to trust this wouldn't happen and it was a calculated risk that paid off, not me sponging, being taken advantage of, being a doormat etc. Fwiw dh has to similarly trust now that his input into the family is bearing financial fruit for later on (it is, but how he'd know, I'm not sure...! He trusts me not to misrepresent my earnings, I guess.)

I absolutely agree that it's nobody else's business, and if you can afford it and it works for your family, you shouldn't give anybody else's opinion a second thought. It really doesn't matter what other people think.

My only concern would be that I have seen it happen too often that the man allows the woman to give the best (careerwise) years of her life to raising his kids, making his home nice, putting his meals on the table, only to swan off with someone else, leaving the woman in a precarious financial situation without her own income and without the job experience to earn anything more than pocket money. So I would be reluctant to put myself in this position (plus I am useless at domesticity!). I also read some research which said the daughters of women who didn't work outside the home were far less likely to work themselves once they became mothers. I only have DSs, so my challenges are different, but I would be keen not to inadvertently curtail any DD's ideas about where life could take them and what might be possible.

I know a stay-at-home Dad (husband of a very driven, hardworking woman whose career has undoubtedly been able to flourish as a result of her DH staying at home with the kids). Their kids are now teenagers but the Dad still doesn't work. He gets judged for this, and I confess I have found myself wondering how his wife feels about him still not earning any money. And when I caught myself having these thoughts, I wondered if I felt this way because he was a man, and how actually society is still more tolerant of women not working for money. Whether that's a good or a bad thing I don't know...

I don't work. Took me about 6 months to get used to it after I left my job, spent at least the first 3 feeling like I'd made a massive mistake. But now a year and a half later I'm perfectly happy. I hate the term SAHM I'm not really my dd is at nursery 4 days a week. I'm a housewife, quite happy that that is old fashioned, I ensure everything at home is running smoothly and do everything for dd whilst dh works. We are very fortunate financially but I don't think that is the main thing. If you want to be at home and can afford to do so, enjoy it it's a very lucky position to be in. Choice is a luxury.

LoveArtDeco would love to know how many who are not "living off their DH" could support their lifestyle through their own earnings without DH salary, DH or other family help with childcare or state support. From reading threads about the inherent costs of working while caring for DC the answer would appear to be very few.

FWIW If your DH is very well paid compared to you the protections in divorce might be better if you do not work - the position re you having sacrificed your career for the sake of DH and family is more self evident.

Totally know that feeling moved to a new area, first thing any of the school mum's asked was were I worked when I said at home, they either didn't talk to me or made comments about alright for some. I made to choice to have children and my DH and I knew that he earns more than I could so it seem the right thing to do to stay at home. All 3 of my children are now at secondary school but still need to be about and totally fed up with people judging me for staying at home.

OP I feel like this sometimes too. I am a SAHM since I took voluntary redundancy 10 years ago. I still feel I have to justify this decision. I have 3 kids, youngest in nursery. Lots of people have said to me 'so what will you do with all your time once youngest starts school?'

Being at home was a joint decision DH and I made, he never expected it of me. It was a practical decision, he was earning double my salary and his job was becoming more demanding, whereas I was not happy in my job. I had worked for many years and felt like it was now important to me to focus on my new job of being a mum. DH often has to work early mornings or evenings at short notice, so would be useless at doing the school run, and I don't have any family nearby. Financially if I was working we'd not be significantly better off so didn't feel it was worth it. There's no stress in holidays, or when the kids are sick.
Since giving up paid work I have done various volunteering roles just to 'keep my hand in' though which has been good for my self-esteem, but at the moment am not doing any volunteering so am feeling a bit vulnerable to the what-do-you-doers.

I do feel really glad I've been able to be there for all the plays, concerts, trips etc. as it means a lot to the kids. My DS has some additional needs so I can easily talk to the teacher and SENCO, take him to his appointments, deal with after-school emotions etc which has been really invaluable. He would find after-school childcare very hard. So for our family it's been the right decision. But every family is different.

But I do feel judged. I never make any comments about working parents, but people have said to me 'oh I need the mental stimulation of working'; they email job adverts to me; recently a dad said to me how important it was that his wife worked and why didn't I go back to work and get a Nanny like them? It does knock your confidence.

Howabout - yes there's no doubt that DH would not be so successful in his career if it wasn't for me being at home with DCs. It's not an easy thing to sacrifice your own career for another's.

Love Art Deco - I don't see myself as 'living off DH' because if I wasn't here he would have to pay for childcare / cleaner / home help etc. In fact when we were working out life insurance we had to take into account if I died what the financial implications would be. So what I do does have financial value. But I generally don't think about it like that - we are a family and all contributing in our own ways.

Out relationship has definitely benefited from me being at home, we communicate better, don't get as stressed at each other, I appreciate what he does and he appreciates what I do. It's much easier to work at and remain optimistic about the relationship and keep the family unit despite the normal ups and downs after 18 years of marriage.
I think also the fact people make this decision together must generally mean that they have a stable relationship and aren't considering divorce and have appropriate insurance where possible for the event of death or illness.
This thread itself shows people do not make this decision lightly and each choice bears its own sacrifice.

However I do need to make sure national insurance is covered yes as things are changing (and will change again many times)

I've been doing very casual work since dd was 21/2. I gave up a steady career which I worked like a dog at and didn't miss it one bit! I didn't actively choose to be a sahm; like a pp said, it's actually more difficult when the kids start school because you have to work to their school schedule.

It makes me laugh a bit when sahps are condemned for not "working", yet if someone else did the childcare etc for you they ARE working.

Op you are working. Don't worry about what others say. Their opinion doesn't matter, it really doesn't.

Oh OP I am sooooooooooo jealous . (In a non threatening way !) .. I have worked full time since dd1 was 3 months old. I have 3 dcs , 2 Dsc (who live with us- teens) and 2 dcs who visit EOW and half of every hols... I have the archetypal 'fulfilling' career. I would give it all up tomorrow for the peace and tranquillity you describe. I live a life of always late, always letting my dcs/Dsc down..

I've not worked for 18 years no one has ever called me up on it

I did this for 10 years after DC4 was born - so 6 years when they were all at school. It suited us all for a long time - in the end, though, I just got very very bored. I do understand the guilt - I just felt so dull, like I had nothing to contribute to a conversation because I didn't properly work. But the voluntary work I did during the time got me the paid job I have now, so there are many reasons why it wasn't wasted time.

I'm hoping that voluntary work will eventually get me working again at the end of it, albeit at probably low paid middle aged job rather than exciting fresh graduate!