SAHP with all kids in school

[whatamidoinghereanyway]

I work from home just a couple of hours on the mornings when I can, recently I've had to wind down my work to look after a sick relative. I've decided that at least until September I am doing nothing apart from caring for my home and family.

Life has been so much better and it has made a massive impact on our quality of life, we really do not have lots of money...but have 'enough'.

My children are 14,13,9 and 6. I've been helping with homework, revision, exams, going to school, building relationships with friends, teachers and in the community. I already volunteered At 2 of my children's schools so I will continue with that. We are all really happy and my husband prefers the situation too so he can focus on his job and know things are in hand at home.

Why then do I feel so ashamed of telling people?! I've even considered lying and saying I'm working when I'm not. Please can I have reassurance that I'm not alone in wanting to be there for my family, especially now I have two teenagers.
I'm extremely fortunate we have a main wage earner in the family.

Irregular- I'm glad you've got a working arrangement that fits with your children. But the reality for a lot of people (and certainly where I live) is that jobs that fit mainly in school hours are few and far between, so it's not just those who are 'flying round the world' that need to have their children in before and after school child care (not to mention school holiday childcare). I agree that becomes less of a problem when DC are in secondary school and can look after themselves a bit, but even then it can be difficult to juggle getting them to the after school activities that they want/having friends over etc if you are working full time and maybe also have to commute to work. In my case, when DP and I both worked we also found that we were spending time at weekends/evenings doing shopping/cooking/cleaning that I can not do when DC are at school so we are able to have more time as a family when they are at home. Having said that, I (and everyone else on this thread from what I've seen) recognise that some people make it work and and have happy families and careers that they love whilst others cannot afford to be a SAHP. We are just saying that we don't want to be judged for making the choice to stay at home, especially when we are financing this from our family income and not expecting the tax payer to support us. I'm afraid I found your comment about 'housework and pilates' rather patronising. (FWIW as well as supporting my home I also do voluntary work with 3 different organisations and seem to be the accepted source of emergency childcare for many of my working friends- all of which I do because I think it is worthwhile but the idea that SAHP just fill their days with frivolity and excessive cleaning is rather irritating).

Cherry

It will be me in Sept 2018, when after 17 years of always having at least 1 baby/toddler at home I will have all 7 of them in full time education.

I've been planning the first day MiniZing starts reception. I will kiss him, shove him through the door, say "good luck" to the teacher then run through the playground screaming "Freedom, Freeeeeeedom!"

Then I'll have a champagne bath and sleep till 2.30pm.
And I suspect that most of the first half term I will spend catching up on sleep. I will have no fucks to give about what anybody will think about that.
I'm exhausted...and while I don't wish my children's life away and will miss having a baby terribly, I can't wait to have a few hours a day when the spinning stops and I can catch my breath.
(28 months to go...)

Bloody hell, 7 Zing!!

Chunkymum

I know that it won't always be possible to find paid work that doesn't put an intolerable strain on the family. Again, much more likely to be true for in general for young school-age children than for secondary school age who can spend at least some time on their own.

I have said a number of times that I don't think that it's particularly relevant whether you spend your time on paid work or not. Of course people spend their time on all sorts of worthwhile activities (voluntary work, caring) without being in paid employment. Of course not all SAHMs of school age children are spending their days on housework/pilates/lunch out/tv. But a few are - and I'm just slightly pushing against this idea that absolutely all ways of spending your time are equal.

And I can get that if you have 7 children that probably does take up most of your time even when they are school age!!!

irregular

Exactly.
I will never be "not busy", even when they are all at school, but I'll be able to organise life better and finally set aside time to take care of my health
plus, in all honesty, I don't think any sane employer would ever choose to employ me. Just imagine them hearing the phrase "7 children" and their faces turning green. [green]
Nah. I'd never earn enough to offset any childcare costs that will occur - think marathon D&V when they are like changing of the guards staying off school - insets (sometimes different days for 4 different schools) half terms, holidays, dr appointments etc etc if it's not me (or occasionally DH) doing it!

But that's fine. This was my choice and I'm happy. If eventually I will be able to earn money I'll set up my own business or find something to do from home - although I suspect by the time youngest is at secondary school or Uni I'll be also busy looking after a few grandkiddies.

I don't really care how other people spend their time

Really, why does it matter if other people choose not to work and spend their day doing housework and pilates? If they're not claiming benefits paid for by your hard-earned taxes, why does it matter? There are plenty of people who go to work and do nothing useful for society beyond making money for whatever organisation they work for. Does it matter that they just go to work then go home?

I think if a family has a set up that suits them that is great. That is one more happy family in our world, which is great. Why on earth would I judge them? It really doesn't matter to me at all.

As I said, I agree that there are plenty of people doing paid work that isn't particularly worthwhile. And I think the claiming benefits thing is a bit of a red herring. Just because you happen to be married to someone who is earning money, I don't think that justifies you spending your days faffing around any more than if you are single or with an unemployed/low-earning partner.

I can't say it matters to me particularly, but if asked for an opinion, then that is mine.

Just because you happen to be married to someone who is earning money, I don't think that justifies you spending your days faffing around any more than if you are single or with an unemployed/low-earning partner.

what about people who have a private income or have saved enough to live off their savings? Are they faffing around with no justification too?

There is a real glorification of paid employment as if it somehow justifies your existence, with no recognition of the value people bring to the world that has nothing to do with paid employment. If someone is not asking to be supported from the public purse, it seems fairly facile and shallow to judge their value purely on whether they are in paid employment or not.

"what about people who have a private income or have saved enough to live off their savings? Are they faffing around with no justification too?"

Well it depends on what they are doing, obviously. But potentially, yes - I think pretty much the same applies as to someone with a high earning partner. In fact I specifically mentioned inherited wealth in a post above (unsurprisingly I favour very high inheritance taxes anyway)

I hope you don't think I'm glorifying paid employment. I've already said at least twice that I don't think it makes any difference whether what you are doing is paid or not!

I do pilates by the way.

I don't know irregular, there seems to be something very joyless to judge the value of a life purely by how much obvious, quantifiable contribution someone is making (pair or unpaid). It doesn't take into account the difference people make that cannot be observed by someone outside of the family circle. I don't know anyone who hasn't contributed over their entire adult life, between work, volunteerism, caring for children/elders but if for a period of time someone wants to stop and do nothing other than be happier or less stressed, what is wrong with that?

I'm not expecting you to change your mind or anything - just thinking about the question.

Oh, it's complicated for sure. Lots of aspects can't easily be measured or even observed, and I certainly wouldnt expect everyone to agree on what is "better" - it's far too subjective,

But...consider different lives...different days...a life spent mainly developing a cure for cancer, caring for a sick relative, teaching children to read, writing a novel, feeding your family, making your friends laugh, rearranging your kitchen cupboards, changing your sheets every day, having your nails painted, watching Neighbours, I dare anyone to say all those days have exactly the same worth.

Of course those lives have the same worth.

And you could develop a cure for cancer while hopelessly neglecting your children. you could care for a sick relative while being an absolute shit to everyone around you. Or you could live a life that seems to have no obvious usefulness and yet make all those who know you a little happier just by being there.

Obviously we will all admire those who serve society in major ways but lives have worth beyond the measurable and the impact and purpose of someone's life can't always be observed by casual onlookers.

I'm with George Eliot on this

"But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”

And you could develop a cure for cancer while being a loving parent; and you could watch Neighbours and paint your nails while neglecting your children....

So it doesn't matter at all what choices we make and how we spend our time and what effect we have on our friends, communities, the world?? Really? Just so long as we and our immediate families are happy (and we are not claiming any benefits, of course, because that's the only other thing that apparently matters), it is all good? How very selfish.

Just because not all effects are easily measurable or easily observable it doesn't mean there aren't real differences.

And just because we're not perfect (and not everyone is going to develop a cure for cancer), doesn't mean we can't think about how to live a bit better.

I never realised my view of the world was quite so extraordinary!

By the way, I would put a lot of value on "feeding your family" and " making your friends laugh". Not so much on " watching Neighbours" and "painting your nails". My list wasn't supposed to suggest that only curing cancer was worthwhile! And actual my only personal weights are not the point - the point was that I find it hard to believe that everyone else views all those activities as just the same importance.

Straw poll.......shall I take up Pilates?

apologies for errors in my English...

"And actually my own personal weights are not the point ..."

Yes to the Pilates. Unless the alternative is curing cancer.

your view isn't extraordinary at all. It is extremely common. People are generally valued for contributions just as you described. which is why what men did was traditionally regarded as more valuable/more difficult/more worthwhile than what women did.

I admire people who make contributions such as curing cancer or running a wastewater treatmet plant or teaching but that doesn't mean I think people who don't do these things have lives that are somehow more worthless or of less value.

Biology and chemistry are a long way away, Pilates I can do round the corner

Gowgirl

Forget Pilates. You need to go to a tap class. I started 5 weeks ago and LOVE it! It's so much fun!

I think branding SHAMs existence as "faffing about" is quite goady unfair.
If we had to pay someone to be doing the school runs, doing the housework, doing laundry, shopping, cooking, taking kids to gp/hosp apps & after school activities, helping with homework etc etc as a full time job plus overtime from 7am - 8 pm or longer ( and 24 hour pay for when DH is away) we'd be broke, personally.

It's a shame society and working people don't appreciate SAHPs more. But at least we know our own worth and how much our families benefit.

Canyouforgiveher thankyou

"But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”

Someone in my immediate family died and her nok were baffled as to what to put on her death certificate, and had to settle for housewife or some such, as she hadn't done paid work in ages

But she was the matriarch absolutely central to all our lives. We loved her SO much and she was SO busy and her life was SO full

This particular passage was one of the readings at her funeral, because it was so apt AND the book she was reading when she died.

I thought of it every time this popped up in my threads I'm on

Zing - it was meant to be a bit goady tbh. Everyone was agreeing with each other a bit too much - it was too easy.

But I can't see how, with school age children, doing school runs, housework, cooking and laundry takes a 13 hour working day unless there is a bit of faffing involved.

I pay a cleaner for 4 hours a week. The rest we do. And it leaves plenty of time for stuff other than paid work. I'm considering giving up the cleaner now the children are older.

SAHPs don't faff. This is the reality.