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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 16/05/2023 15:04

How can we expect men to know what we like and what we don't? I know lots of women who consider themselves 'freaks in the sheets' for want of a better phrase. They like being dominated and boundaries to be crossed.

How about seeking consent?

Assuming consent is the sort of thing that arseholes do when they don't want to be told "no" so it's easier not to ask because then they can play mental gymnastics like "but she didn't specifically tell me not to grab her head and hold her, so I thought she must have been game", or "she didn't pull away (as I'm holding her in place) so she must have liked it", "she didn't exactly struggle so it wasn't like she refused", "other women I've been with liked it so why wouldn't she?"

Much harder for a man to look himself in the mirror and acknowledge "I grabbed onto a woman during a sexual act, removed her consent, made it difficult for her to stop the sexual contact because my orgasm was more important than the woman's consent".

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:12

They like being dominated and boundaries to be crossed.

But why should any man assume a particular woman is like that.

Wouldn't the right thing to do be to establish whether they are like that, before dominating them or crossing their boundaries. Why is it up to a woman - who's not like that - to have to guess everything he might do to dominate her and cross her boundaries and preemptively say she doesn't enjoy that?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:15

I didn't think to say to him "by the way don't head lock me and ejaculate in my mouth" when I started giving OS - because no-one had ever done that to me before.

And also a reasonable/considerate person wouldn't do that without gaining consent, would they?

OP posts:
SwimSwim · 16/05/2023 15:16

@NCmum79 has it spot on. I worry for my son after reading this thread. It feels like you're determined to make him out to be some sort of predator, when you're just sexually incompatible.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:18

SwimSwim · 16/05/2023 15:16

@NCmum79 has it spot on. I worry for my son after reading this thread. It feels like you're determined to make him out to be some sort of predator, when you're just sexually incompatible.

There's something wrong with you, seriously.

If you think it would be ok for your son to put a young woman giving him a BJ into a head lock and ejaculate into her mouth without asking her.

And then if she protests, say she's calling him a sexual predator.

It's truly disturbing to think you're raising young men.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:21

when you're just sexually incompatible

Noone is sexually compatible with someone who head locks them during oral sex without any prior discussion.

Thought the poster who had all their posts deleted was the worst one on this thread, but you're actually managed to equal or even surpass them.

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 15:25

SwimSwim · 16/05/2023 15:16

@NCmum79 has it spot on. I worry for my son after reading this thread. It feels like you're determined to make him out to be some sort of predator, when you're just sexually incompatible.

You don't think that physically compelling a woman to continue a blow job is predatory and violating behaviour?

Please, give your son up for adoption to stop yourself from raising him to disrespect women's boundaries.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:27

MrsMigginsesPieShop · 16/05/2023 11:19

So many worrying comments on here. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, in any place, for any reason. It should be obvious that holding someone's head in place so they cant move and ejaculating into their mouth is not merely unacceptable, its illegal. It's not just a breach of sexual etiquette, its assault. The OP doesn't seem to have been traumatised by it, but it's entirely plausible that she could have been.

Even if it is down to naivety, it's not really an excuse. In any other situation would "I'm sorry I put you in a headlock, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. Plus i really really wanted to" be a valid argument??? I also highly doubt that a) its the first time in his life he's done this and b) no-one else has ever mentioned it to him. Therfore he knows what he's doing is wrong, and he did it anyway.

@SwimSwim

Read this posters post and then read it another ten times.

Maybe if any of it sinks into your brain, you'll start becoming fit to raise male humans; as it are, you appear not you be.

You worry for your son; I worry for any women who get involved with your son if you think the topics within this thread boil down to "lack of sexual compatibility" and a woman wanting to cast a man as a predator.

OP posts:
SleepingTilSummer · 16/05/2023 15:33

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 15:18

There's something wrong with you, seriously.

If you think it would be ok for your son to put a young woman giving him a BJ into a head lock and ejaculate into her mouth without asking her.

And then if she protests, say she's calling him a sexual predator.

It's truly disturbing to think you're raising young men.

Show quote history

Yep.

I have a son. I don’t worry for him at all. He understands the importance of consent, he’s been brought up to be able to communicate and respect women. That’s was our job as parents.

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2023 15:44

I worry for my son after reading this thread. It feels like you're determined to make him out to be some sort of predator, when you're just sexually incompatible

Consent and sexual incompatibility are not the same thing.

Respectful men don't use physical force to remove a woman's ability to withdraw consent.

It's not confusing. It's not a sexual compatibility issue.

If sex is an emotive subject, try tea:

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2023 15:44

The now-deleted poster is determined to misrepresent BDSM. It boils my piss when people turn up here to say "you're wrong" based on reading 50 Shades and watching some porn.

No woman likes to have her boundaries crossed. Yes, some women like to be dominated. Some like irrumatio. They have a conversation about that with their partner first. They discuss boundaries (known as "limits" in the scene) and safety signals. They talk about what they want to do, what they are indifferent about, and what they never want to do, before trying it.

No woman likes or deserves to have her boundaries crossed. Crossing boundaries is abuse. If your dom crosses your boundaries, that's abuse. If your bf tries something freaky on you without prior discussion, that's abuse as well.

And stop with "it wouldn't bother me" limit shaming. Boundary shaming is just an in-public by-the-public version of "if you loved me, you'd do that thing you hate doing", which is abuse. The OP is the sole arbiter of her boundaries, they are hers to set and hers to change, at any time and for any reason. Limit shaming is toxic and is a major reason for me leaving the scene.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 17:15

I know lots of people find talking about sex difficult especially with a new partner but I do think it's important there is at least some discussion around boundaries and consent, which can obviously change or be withdrawn by either partner but still...

Consent is far to important to leave to trust second guessing each other from reactions and is the responsibility of both partners.

I'm not applying this directly to the OP, the least he should have done is warn her he was about to ejaculate given that neither of them knew what the other was expecting, wanted or didn't want.

There will always be spontaneous things that aren't thought of before hand while learning about a partner but without even a baseline it's a minefield.

SleepingTilSummer · 16/05/2023 17:27

This reply has been deleted

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PromSeason · 16/05/2023 17:37

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Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I posted because I've been thinking about this thread this afternoon and the importance on consent and how that can be difficult in a new relationship.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 17:44

@PromSeason

It’s creepy as fuck when men, usually older men, feel the need to come to mumsnet and attempt to erode women's boundaries. They seem to keep finding themselves on threads like this. Creeps are gonna creep.

Iliterally just posted thoughts on how to clarify and increase boundaries

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:14

Where no explicit discussion has been had, it would be the responsibility of the person crossing boundaries, being invasive and being forceful etc. to err on the side of caution.

Not the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:19

I did t have to tell any previous bf not to grab my head in a lock at the time of ejaculation, I guess they implicitly understood consent and decency, eh.

So the problem would appear to be this man, not the lack of discussion of boundaries, BDSM style.

And how exactly would I have thought of and said "oh and I don't want you head locking me at ejaculation" given noone had ever done that before and i didn't know it was something I needed to say I wasn't on with? How do I guess his potential actions and circumvent them.

Lots of BS being spoken on this thread by a few posters. Thank fk the majority are not like them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:20

(wasn't ok with).

OP posts:
Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 18:23

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:14

Where no explicit discussion has been had, it would be the responsibility of the person crossing boundaries, being invasive and being forceful etc. to err on the side of caution.

Not the opposite.

I agree in your particular scenario which is why I said i was talking more broadly after thinking about it at work.

Boundaries and consent are important and should be considered by both partners, ideally communicating before any act takes place but that will be difficult for many people but I do think it's something that should be considered.

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:30

eah, a statement (with a point made about men needing to have the head of their penis in contact with something at the point of orgasm or it's "painful")

No, because they wank or can be given a hand job and are not in pain. There's nothing in contact with the head bit then usually, just the shaft.

And virtually every other man manages to not force their partner to swallow their cum by holding their head in place.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 18:31

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 18:19

I did t have to tell any previous bf not to grab my head in a lock at the time of ejaculation, I guess they implicitly understood consent and decency, eh.

So the problem would appear to be this man, not the lack of discussion of boundaries, BDSM style.

And how exactly would I have thought of and said "oh and I don't want you head locking me at ejaculation" given noone had ever done that before and i didn't know it was something I needed to say I wasn't on with? How do I guess his potential actions and circumvent them.

Lots of BS being spoken on this thread by a few posters. Thank fk the majority are not like them.

I'm sorry that I appear to have antagonised you, that's not my intention at all.

I don't think you did anything wrong and do think he did and I think I've said so. He seems selfish and disrespectful, more so since your updates.

I'm just thinking about how to minimalise the risks where 2 people have no idea where the others boundaries are and things just happen rather than being consented to.

Talking makes it all clear and it's a pity that our culture makes that difficult for many

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:31

Have you got rid of him yet @TheoTheopolis23 ? Please block him.

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:37

I'm just thinking about how to minimalise the risks where 2 people have no idea where the others boundaries are

By only doing things that are generally seen as normal sex which anyone would see as usually part of sex, unless any deviations from the norm are agreed to beforehand. Or unless during or before the sex someone says they don't want one of the basic things (for instance, I don't like receiving oral.)

I know some people would say what people expect during sex varies. But I think people do know what is the norm. So for instance anal would have to be agreed on beforehand.

Surplus2requirements · 16/05/2023 18:39

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:30

eah, a statement (with a point made about men needing to have the head of their penis in contact with something at the point of orgasm or it's "painful")

No, because they wank or can be given a hand job and are not in pain. There's nothing in contact with the head bit then usually, just the shaft.

And virtually every other man manages to not force their partner to swallow their cum by holding their head in place.

Sorry but I don't think I said the head of the penis, that was another poster and not true.

Ruined orgasms are very uncomfortable, ask any man that has accidently slipped out at the crucial moment.

I absolutely condemn anyone ejaculating into anyone's body without consent but there is risk of misunderstanding of implied consent from actions/inactions if there is no discussion.

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