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Original poster

Trigger Warning - Would this make you uncomfortable? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

256 replies

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 16/05/2023 07:11

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 21:32

I don't think most adults would be up for intimate spooning etc in bed together with a new partner they hadn't yet had sex with. It's like skipping a level of intimacy and going straight to the after bit.

That's hilariously ironic.

Why?

If you'd be ok with that, that's fine. I could not imagine spooning with someone before we'd reached the level of intimacy of having sex.

Might not have applied when younger, at university etc when the ways in which we socially interacted and the basis for relationships were different

KateTheEighth · 16/05/2023 07:11

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 04:34

He is porny, pushy and manipulative.

He stopped and left the room though.

I would interpret that as manipulation @TheoTheopolis23 . He was demonstrating that he was not happy with you because you didn't shag him on demand, so he froze you out. He wants you to see his presence or warmth as conditional on if you shag him when he wants.

I agree

It sounds like it was "either have sex with me or I'm off and you'll get nothing of me"

CornishGem1975 · 16/05/2023 07:16

Personally I'd be okay with it though maybe not straightaway into a sexual relationship - it's more something for when you're really secure, like if my husband did it that's fine as we know each others boundaries etc but in a new relationship, I'd be less comfortable.

But that's me and this is you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it's wrong and needs addressing. You're not okay with it. Make it clear that you don't like it but I agree with other posters - you've seen a few signs from this man, might be time to start paying attention to them.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 07:32

You changed it to a question because people said how disgusting it was. Convenient.

Yeah, a statement (with a point made about men needing to have the head of their penis in contact with something at the point of orgasm or it's "painful") was somehow actually a question or request for clarification.. with no question mark, which he accidentally left out.

Anyway, if a man really did need penile contact with something at the point of orgasm; he's got hands, doesn't he .. as do I. He could have done something other than head locked a woman without asking. I've never had a man do that before, and I'm no stranger to OS.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 07:37

KateTheEighth · 16/05/2023 07:11

I agree

It sounds like it was "either have sex with me or I'm off and you'll get nothing of me"

Show quote history

I understand people's take on it, but just to reiterate my instinct is that he did it because he wanted to go and wank, and/or he didn't want to irritate & offend me further by risking continuing sexual contact while sleepy/at all etc.

I find that weird, in comparison to past experiences. But I don't think it was punishment/sulking etc. He was perfectly civil and made my breakfast when we got up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 07:42

I suppose the upshot of this thread is that I've confirmed I find his sexuality a bit odd, and I find the OS incident very off; with real issues around consent etc.

Thank you all for your posts, Ive read and will reread them all.

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 16/05/2023 08:17

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Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 09:27

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Your reading comprehension is not the best, is it?

There was no question about sex (penetrative sex) around this OS head lock incident.

The question around sex was on the first night I stayed over at his. I made it clear I was not up for it on that night, and reiterated that when any sexual contact we were having seemed to be moving in that direction and he seemed to thi knit was still on the table. It wasn't. I made it clear it wasn't. He opted to sleep in another room. That was the first night I stayed over with him and a totally different night to this OS incident - get it?

Re the oral.srx incident - you're making me repeat what I've already said twice - in saying that he did it very suddenly and very quickly and I didn't really gave the chance of time to pull my head back. I also wasn't expecting him to climax that soon. As I have also said more than once, I find he has a hair trigger. So I didnt get the chance to pull my head back - he put it in a two handed hold/lock - that's the whole point.

I also find your phrasing "innocent" very odd and rather disturbing.

There is consent, reasonable consent - that is all. Not sure where "innocence comes into it.

Also if you are implying by your first statement that consent for oral sex implies/includes consent for full penetrative sex for anyone in any circumstances...... You need significant education. And you really really shouldn't be posting on threads about sexual issued with trigger warnings, you could do someone less robust than me a lot of damage.

OP posts:
DogsInPyjamas · 16/05/2023 09:35

This reply has been deleted

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You are very much victim blaming. That’s why you felt the need to say that you weren’t whilst doing just that.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 09:40

As I have also said more than once, I find he has a hair trigger.

Should have phrased that "I am finding out that he has a hair trigger, through experienced like this" .....

Before I get told by similar posters that I should have expected him to climax very quickly and been prepared to pull my head back; before he grabbed it and held it tight in both hands.

OP posts:
heartbroken40 · 16/05/2023 09:41

This reply has been deleted

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Groutyonehereagain · 16/05/2023 09:42

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:58

I've been trying to process something that my relatively new bf did the first time we had (significant) sexual contact.

One part of my brain is rationalising it and the other is uncomfortable about it.

We had had sexual contact before but it was the first time we had oral sex (me on him). I initiated the oral sex. He didn't gag/thrust during it and climaxed pretty quickly; the thing that's made me uncomfortable is that he grabbed my head with both hands and held me on his dick when he did.

I had neither decided to stay on it, or come off it, but obviously I hadn't really any choice when he did that. When he did that I don't think I pulled back or gave any strong indication that I wanted to come off it or wanted him to stop holding my head. To be honest he climaxed very fast and did that v quickly, it all happened very quickly. He let go as soon as he'd climaxed.

I'm rationalising it by saying that it was an instinctive, automatic reaction on his part when he was climaxing..... But I still have this feeling of discomfort about it.

Like, you shouldn't really do something like that without asking or warning the oral giver about it. It's quite forceful/lsvks consent (?)

I'd be grateful for perspectives on this please.

Afterward I jokingly referred to it (a bad habit of mine is to joke when I'm uncomfortable instead of saying how I really feel, though I had mixed feelings) and he just said he was (pleasantly) surprised when I starting giving oral without a word and extremely turned on etc. He didn't really comment on the "rightness" or not if grabbing someone head like that. He just seemed a bit sheepish).

🤮🤮🤮

run for the hills.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 09:45

Why didn't you stop seeing him after the first incident? Nope, you went back and INITIATED oral sex.

Because - as I've already said more than once - I found his behaviour the first night I stayed odd, but not a deal breaker. I understood why he might have done it.

We continued seeing each other, and as we're seeing each other for weeks ... We're having sexual contact; not sure what needs explained about that??!!

And I get it that he came faster than you expected but had you not initiated the event wouldn't have happened.

Ah, I see.

If you give someone oral.sex it is inevitable that they will put suddenly you in a head lock so you can't come off their dick when they ejaculate....got it!! We should all be very glad you're here to explain things like this to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 09:50

This is not a clear cut case in my view

You initiated oral sex do he took it as you were up for sex. He held your head but you could have pushed back.

had you not initiated the event wouldn't have happened

You have no idea how appalling you are, do you.

Do you even realise if one of us reported your posts they'd be removed and you'd risk be banned.

I am vert happy to post in a public forum and get dissenting opinions .... Which I will firmly rebut (not just for myself but for other women reading) if I think they are unreasonable and I'll judged.

That's what you get when you postbon a public forum ..... Works both ways, see?

Anyway, I hope you are never ever on a jury for a sexual assault or rape trial; you are one disturbing individual.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 16/05/2023 09:56

I do get they were separate incidents. Why didn't you stop seeing him after the first incident? Nope, you went back and INITIATED oral sex.

I don't think you understand how consent works and didn't get the memo that a woman consenting to oral sex does not equal consenting to have her head grabbed and held in place.

DogsInPyjamas · 16/05/2023 09:57

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Fucking hell. More victim blaming.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 10:05

You initiated oral sex do he took it as you were up for sex.

had you not initiated the event wouldn't have happened

So heartbroken40;

You believe consent to oral sex is reasonable assumption of consent for full penetrative sex.

And you believe consent to/initiation of oral sex is also consent to being head locked in place at climax - with no requirement for attempted communication before the head lock.

Do you think you would benefit from a course with a sexual abuse/sexual assault/rape charity??

OP posts:
Usetherightgearforthehill · 16/05/2023 10:18

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So if someone initiates oral sex that comes with an implicit assumption that they cannot stop at any point? Because having your head locked in place means you can't stop

So from that logic if you start sex, but change your mind or need to stop at any point you can't, because you have consented to the whole thing happening whether you want it to or not until the man ejaculates? Even if the man has to pin you down to make that happen.

That's one fucked up view of sex.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 16/05/2023 10:20

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I'm not victim blaming = proceeds to victim blame 🙄

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 10:26

I wish someone hadn't reported heartbroken40's posts tbh - they illustrate what is wrong with people (including women, if they are a woman) that leads to our pathetic sexual assault and rape prosecution stats and the revictimisation of victims. They would be be useful if they stayed to be seen.

OP posts:
LarkLane · 16/05/2023 10:31

He says he replays real sex he's had with partners to masturbate.
He is the most IT illiterate person I've ever met, his phone is ancient, he had no other devices.

Hi OP. I was reading your thread last night. Sadly, I was unsurprised at the "cool girl" who only stays over to offer sex, and the blamer vibes/ mansplainers, literally, popping up.

Some seem to want you to keep repeating the BJ headlock story to them in detail for their own shitz and giggles. No need to. The rest of us get exactly what you are saying. There is something very off about this man.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but the quote above would be a turn off for me, along with the other disrespectful behaviours. There are better men than that, as you already know, so don't settle for this sleaze.

Anyone who told me they were replaying " real sex" with previous partners to wank off, I'd bin off for sure. Either they are liars, or a creep who thinks that's some kind of impressive stealth boast.

Put this all together, and he comes across as a manipulative loser.

Move on. Enjoy some mutual fun with someone who knows how to respect a woman without putting them in headlocks, exhibiting sulky, moody behaviour, with jabby useless fingers.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 16/05/2023 10:32

The going to the other room wouldn't bother me. First time ex stayed over we were 'getting frisky' but I didn't want to have full sex and yes, I'd imagine being so turned out and not having an outlet was frustrating. We slept separately that night, half for that reason and half I knew if we did I wouldn't be able to stop myself going the full way as I was just as aroused and we'd only met a few weeks before!

The holding the head thing would bother me though. It's something I asked for once we were established and comfortable but not once did he try anything like that before I spoke about it. No expectations of swallowing, would give warning before climax. What you're describing with that might be ok for some (as I said, I have asked for it), but had it not been my decision and something we'd spoken about prior I would be very uncomfortable.

Bottom line is you should never feel uncomfortable. I have past trauma so I can be quite sensitive regarding sex and I would not pursue something if they had made me question myself or not gave me an uncomfortable feeling. Trust your instincts.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 16/05/2023 10:36

*or gave me

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 16/05/2023 10:42

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 09:50

This is not a clear cut case in my view

You initiated oral sex do he took it as you were up for sex. He held your head but you could have pushed back.

had you not initiated the event wouldn't have happened

You have no idea how appalling you are, do you.

Do you even realise if one of us reported your posts they'd be removed and you'd risk be banned.

I am vert happy to post in a public forum and get dissenting opinions .... Which I will firmly rebut (not just for myself but for other women reading) if I think they are unreasonable and I'll judged.

That's what you get when you postbon a public forum ..... Works both ways, see?

Anyway, I hope you are never ever on a jury for a sexual assault or rape trial; you are one disturbing individual.

I hadn't read the full thread when I posted so missed the PP comment.....absolutely disgusting. Anyone can change their mind at any point and if the other person doesn't listen to that then IT IS RAPE. I hope the PP isn't raising children with this mindset.

Original poster
TheoTheopolis23 · 16/05/2023 10:49

not once did he try anything like that before I spoke about it. No expectations of swallowing, would give warning before climax

Yes, that's my experience of previous partners.
Don't know why I'm even questioning the issue. I suppose I was thinking he's just a different type of person from them; with a hair trigger and lack of awareness when he's in the throes ..... but who wants someone like that. Consent doesn't feature when he's in the throes or about to be, or consent is assumed for something that most people may not assume it for.

OP posts:
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