Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

all these comments saying you should have bitten him is not helpful.
There are 3 classic responses to a threat - gight, flight and freeze. I expect the op froze.
You can't say that you would have bitten his penis. he was already forcing her and making her gag, imagine if she bit him and he got angry and choked her. He was already on a position of power, hes male, stronger and already choking her.
Believe me, when you are in this situation you put up and shut up. The urge to survive is stronger than the urge to fight/ revenge bite him.

also I'm not sure if this is "proof" but there is a tik tok where dentists say they can tell when you have 'deep throated' as there is bruising? Not sure if it's true but possibly proof if it is?

In a previous post OP you said your bf was supposed to be coming over later.

Hoping that’s not happening now.

Please let us know or we’ll be worried for you.

I agree. A man like that is dangerous.

I absolutely do know what it means thanks, I’m not going to derail the thread by bickering with you, but by telling someone what they SHOULD have done when being assaulted places the responsibility on them to have stopped it. That’s what victim blaming is.

There is absolutely no reason to be offended by someone else commenting on definitions. No one said they knew better than anyone else, everyone was just giving their own definitions they found. Would you like us all to rescind my earlier definitions just to help you back on your high horse?

Such a childish response to act like you’ve been personally affronted just because not everyone agreed with your definition. This is a post where OP has gone through a traumatic situation, and no matter how many times I or others try to steer the conversation away from the definition distraction, someone like you comes along and acts as though your fragile feelings are more important than getting back on topic to support OP

So no, I might not know more about law than you, but I sure as hell know more about getting back on topic than you.

OP, I would like to personally apologize for engaging in all this “technically the definition is…” BS. Unfortunately with internet threads, it’s easy to get sucked into secondary topics.

My heart goes out to you, this is a horrific situation and not one you’ll easily move on from. Just be patient with yourself, and treat yourself like you would a friend in the same situation. And please, please, do not see him ever again.

I agree with @VanillaCandles and would also like to apologise.

He’s caught out and trying to push it all back on you. It’s a tactic to make you doubt yourself enough to let him back in.

No good person would ever do something like this. It doesn’t matter how many apologies he gives, or how pretty he dresses them up, he’s raped you and you both know it

You’re 33. That’s still so young! A friend of mine felt the same at 33. She’s 40 now, married with 2 children.

Would you rather be alone, in the peace and quiet of a life you feel safe in? Or with someone who physically overpowers you, degrades you, and then blames you for it?

Oh love. He is a horrible person. You can end it right now with a message telling him that it’s over and never to contact you again. He can’t hurt you now. Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Has he admitted it or alluded to it on any texts? If so then screen shot them and save them.

Have you anyone who can support you in real life?

I think it's better to not have anymore contact with him at all. There is nothing to be gained. I'd block him immediately

Oh my poor dear. Please believe me he is not the one, he's a walking lifetime of abuse and misery. There are good, kind men out there who won't hurt and abuse you.

@frugalnecessity oh this has made me tearful. Don't ever think any of this is your fault, not even for a minute. The fact that he can brush this under the carpet so quickly after he committed a criminal act speaks volumes about his character. He is an abuser and has no regard for your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do and he should be grovelling on his hands and knees for you to even speak to him again.

I don't want to pressure you into anything but you have many options open to you. Regards leaving him, again, that is all in your control and your decision but you do deserve so much better.

Excellent point about the texts.

And to add more onto the point of being 33 and alone. You could stay with him, settle down with him, and miss out on the 100s of men out there who would never dream of harming you, while he’s using you as a toy for his deviant pleasure.

Or you could walk away from him, and find one of these 100s of men, or stay alone for a bit and still be much safer physically and emotionally.

You have so many paths you can take right now, and any of those paths that lead you back to him are all dotted with warning: danger ahead signs.

@frugalnecessity

I know what I need to do but I’m so scared. I’m nearly 33 and now I will be alone again - all my friends are settled down. I really want to believe that this was just a blip but I’m probably kidding myself. I need to find some self respect.

It is better to be alone than to be wishing you* *were. You want the right man, not someone you have to fear and make excuses for.

No, his behaviour was not a 'blip'. Sexual assault is never a 'blip'. It is who the man is.

You do respect yourself. You respect yourself enough to know that what he did was wrong. You are NOT accepting his behaviour.

He knows what he did, you don't need to tell him. His anger and his picking a fight with you is his way of making what he did ok. So as far as what you do now, you block him in every way you can. You ghost him. He deserves not one more second of your time.

he is furious with me because I always want to pick a fight and he apologised yesterday and he thought it was all ok so there would be no problem sending me the sex joke.

DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

then he went on to list all the things I do wrong in the relationship.

See above. What could someone do 'wrong' that would justify, or equate to, rape?

since then he has apologised and said he said those things in the heat of the moment etc

Abusers do this as a matter of course. Destabilising hot-and-cold. Some of the reason that you feel scared to leave is quite likely to be a result of this deliberate confusing and manipulation.

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve so much better than this. And I promise you being happily single is better than staying with a man who would treat you like this.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I think what makes it even harder is that tight now this terrible thing happened and you want - rightly - to not feel alone and the person who should be there for you is him. But he's the one who did the terrible thing.

If you were my friend in RL I'd drop everything to come and support you. I'd absolutely hate to think you felt you couldn't tell me or disturb my life, or I'd think badly if you. Do you have any friends you can tell? Or maybe send this thread to if that's easier? Then you do t have to explain it all or say it out loud again, To be really clear, you've done NOTHING wrong in any of this.

This is for future record - OP having been in a similar confused state myself and having come online and read other threads and then found conflicting information, I am posting the below for anybody else who is looking for info - sadly. I'm not wanting to derail your thread, I just want to be crystal clear about what rape is and in your case why there's no ambiguity.

Rape (section 1) England and Wales
Key points
• Rape is a crime of basic intent, and drunkenness is not a defence.
• Section 1 Rape involves penetration of the vagina, anus or mouth by a penis, therefore a woman can only commit this offence as an accomplice.
• Rape is an indictable only offence and carries a maximum of life imprisonment
Source: https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-7-key-legislation-and-offences

Rape in Scotland
(1)
If a person (“A”), with A's penis—
(a)
without another person (“B”) consenting, and
(b)
without any reasonable belief that B consents,
penetrates to any extent, either intending to do so or reckless as to whether there is penetration, the vagina, anus or mouth of B then A commits an offence, to be known as the offence of rape.
Source: https://www.legislation.gov.uk/asp/2009/9/section/1

(Not sure if formatting will work, but these are the actual definitions copied from sources)

I’d disappear on him
really really
just fade away

any conversation won’t work as he did this and he crossed a major boundary
the memory won’t fade and how can you trust him ever again ?
im sorry this happened

Oh OP, please don't settle. Play that Kate Nash song (Foundations) and think abut it when she sings the line "and i think 'i hope I'm not stuck with this one'"

You are worth so much more. It's hard, I know. But you owe it to yourself not to have a relationship with someone who treats you like this.

(what kind of things did he tell you that you do wrong? can you counter his list with one of your own? just in your head, not to tell him, just so you know he's talking bollocks)

OP, it's not just about self-esteem. I think you were having doubts because you think time is running out for you. It doesn't matter how slim the numbers of single, good men are - it still doesn't mean it's a good idea to continue with someone like this. Again, it's not even self-esteem - you have to think about your safety.

For Ireland, in case anyone reading needs Irish Law

Rape Under Section 4
This is defined as a sexual assault that includes penetration (however slight) of the anus or mouth by the penis, or penetration (however slight) of the vagina by any objects held or manipulated by another person.

https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/9bd76c-what-is-sexual-violence/#:~:text=Sexual%20Harassment-,Rape,does%20not%20consent%20to%20it.