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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
PARunnerGirl · 23/04/2023 19:14

@frugalnecessity I understand you feel isolated and alone but you are honestly not. 💐 🍫 Many women have felt like this and many of them are here and giving you good advice.

Being single and safe, happy and being good to yourself in your own lovely life, has got to be a million times better than being with a man who has you worrying if tonight might be one of “those nights”.

The longer you stay with a man like that, the harder and more complicated it is to leave because that’s how they manipulate it to be.

FrostyFifi · 23/04/2023 19:14

By the UK legal definition, he has raped you. I'm so sorry, but please remember you have done nothing whatsoever wrong, this is all him. Sending you a virtual hug.

ThereIbledit · 23/04/2023 19:15

Oh my love. I'm so sorry he did this to you. Listen to your feelings, they are so not unreasonable.

It would be over for me without a doubt.

ItsCalledAConversation · 23/04/2023 19:16

Urgh no. Someone who doesn’t stop when you say no is not someone to ever see again.

Scout2016 · 23/04/2023 19:17

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. It's horrible to think of yourself as having been assulted but please don’t minimise it. Your feelings are entirely valid and there's no justifcation or excuse for what he did.

Mrsmarpleisonthecase · 23/04/2023 19:19

The second you said no he should of stopped, that was rape and he will do it again. sending you hugs xx

Rockschooldropout · 23/04/2023 19:21

It’s rape : end of , you said no and he continued , he got off on your distress and if you stay with him this will continue

DinosWillGetYou · 23/04/2023 19:23

Furrydogmum · 23/04/2023 18:57

You should have bitten the bastard to be honest.

Stupid post, it’s never the responsibility of the victim to stop a crime. Lovely bit of victim blaming there.
you can’t ever EVER know how you’ll react until you’re in that situation

RichardHeed · 23/04/2023 19:27

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/04/2023 19:08

Technically it wasn’t rape, it was sexual assault because he carried on after you’d said no. He ignored you and wasn’t going to stop when you’d said no.
He knew what he was doing.
Sending you a joke about sex is his way of testing the waters.
This would be a line in the sand for me, I don’t think I could trust him not to do it again.

Why are there so many arseholes on here whinging about semantics??

LEGALLY (in England) it was rape, who gives a flying fuck what the dictionary definition is?? It’s not the time or the place to flex your oh so impressive linguistics.

SheikYerboutiii · 23/04/2023 19:29

DinosWillGetYou · 23/04/2023 19:23

Stupid post, it’s never the responsibility of the victim to stop a crime. Lovely bit of victim blaming there.
you can’t ever EVER know how you’ll react until you’re in that situation

Show quote history

I don’t see any victim blaming here, do you know what that means?

You can easily extrapolate PP means you should have bitten him to give him a taste of his own medicine re: pain / violation.

What is wrong with posters today. Has that 3pm alarm shit your (Mn collective) brains out?

PuzzledObserver · 23/04/2023 19:30

OP, I hope you have told him not to come over?

As others have said - he raped you according to the legal definition in England and Wales.

You are not alone. Rape Crisis will help you through this and support you as and when you feel able to report him to the police. They will also support you if you decide not to.

Please, please do not see this man again.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 19:32

You've been raped OP. I'm so sorry... You need to end things now with him. Have you got friends you can confide in for support and to keep you strong if he tries to gaslight you?

ModestMoon · 23/04/2023 19:34

Agree with everyone else, I would not want to see him again. OP, would YOU ever do something like that to someone? Think about what it would take for you to behave like that. I'm pretty sure there's nothing that would move you to do something like that to someone. Do you want to be with someone who even had it in them to do this, let alone act like it's fine the day after?

How long have you been seeing him? Asking because there's a very good chance that this is just what he likes to do with women, and he'd managed to conceal that up until this point. This isn't the type of thing you just randomly out of character do to someone. He was hurting you and ignoring your clearly saying you weren't consenting.

BSB30 · 23/04/2023 19:34

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/04/2023 19:08

Technically it wasn’t rape, it was sexual assault because he carried on after you’d said no. He ignored you and wasn’t going to stop when you’d said no.
He knew what he was doing.
Sending you a joke about sex is his way of testing the waters.
This would be a line in the sand for me, I don’t think I could trust him not to do it again.

It is rape and shouldn't be minimised.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 19:39

RichardHeed · 23/04/2023 19:27

Why are there so many arseholes on here whinging about semantics??

LEGALLY (in England) it was rape, who gives a flying fuck what the dictionary definition is?? It’s not the time or the place to flex your oh so impressive linguistics.

Show quote history

It was absolutely rape

Most people were discussing the definition because everyone was unsure of which term to use. Calm down, will you? It’s just as easy for you not to engage with us “arseholes” than it is for us to move on from definitions - which we did a long time ago.

you’re just as bad taking over a whole post to whinge about people whinging. Like beeping in traffic just because someone else did.

It was absolutely rape, and as I’ve stated, the definition aspect was just a tangent that was run away with, but absolutely not the main post, which is OP was raped

Honeyroar · 23/04/2023 19:43

He cannot defend himself in that he didn’t hear you say stop, he heard you and replied no. That’s disgusting. Hope you’re ok, you have nothing to feel ashamed of, whereas he has lots. I hope you have people around you and have told him not to come over - while you get your head straight about what to do.

EmpeBe · 23/04/2023 19:43

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 18:18

Rape is a type of sexual assault involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without their consent - Wikipedia

unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the person subjected to such penetration - Dictionary.com

Wikipedia is not the best place to go for legal definitions. Rape involves penetration by a penis; other objects or digits are sexual assault by penetration, sexual assault is unwanted sexual attention e.g. groping. Don’t wish to be nit picky but important other/future victims understand correct definitions when reporting events.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 19:43

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/04/2023 19:08

Technically it wasn’t rape, it was sexual assault because he carried on after you’d said no. He ignored you and wasn’t going to stop when you’d said no.
He knew what he was doing.
Sending you a joke about sex is his way of testing the waters.
This would be a line in the sand for me, I don’t think I could trust him not to do it again.

Do you truly think it is ever appropriate to begin a post on a thread like this one with ‘technically’? Really?

Lachimolala · 23/04/2023 19:44

Littlebluebellwoods · 23/04/2023 17:43

He got off on you gagging and wrenching, and he did it harder. He ignored your no and got off on your humiliation. No decent man does this,

and sending you the sex thing today shows he is relishing your humiliation and degradation and he’s planning more,

get out now.

This.

My ex used to get off on me crying, especially if he had caused the crying through pain or fear.

Men that do this only get worse, cut your losses now. You deserve so much better than a rapist who ignores you saying no to a sec act, and continues with it anyway.

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 19:44

EmpeBe · 23/04/2023 19:43

Wikipedia is not the best place to go for legal definitions. Rape involves penetration by a penis; other objects or digits are sexual assault by penetration, sexual assault is unwanted sexual attention e.g. groping. Don’t wish to be nit picky but important other/future victims understand correct definitions when reporting events.

Show quote history

Which is why I included a definition from elsewhere which stated similar. I can find many more definitions matching what I said but as I keep saying

none of this helps op

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 19:45

I’m so so sorry that this happened to you, OP. Please confide in someone in real life if you feel able. You would be completely justified in going to the police if you wanted. If there is a Rape Crisis centre near you they will help you.

Livinginanotherworld · 23/04/2023 19:45

I am so sorry this happened to you, even if you decide not to report him, please get some help for yourself with the crisis centre or victim support. Block him on everything, he doesn’t deserve you.

Curlyfluff · 23/04/2023 19:47

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 19:05

I'm sitting here crying. I can't type much but I just want to thank each and every one of you for your support, it is so comforting at a time when I feel so isolated and alone

I'm crying with you, my husband had sex with me one time when he thought I was asleep, I was paralysed with terror and did nothing, bitterly regret it. It was rape.

Get rid NOW and talk to someone about this, please!
You were RAPED.

Comtesse · 23/04/2023 19:52

Please don’t give him a second chance. I’m so sorry he did this.

EmpeBe · 23/04/2023 19:59

VanillaCandles · 23/04/2023 19:44

Which is why I included a definition from elsewhere which stated similar. I can find many more definitions matching what I said but as I keep saying

none of this helps op

Show quote history

@vanillacandles no it doesn’t help OP but as I said wrong definitions used elsewhere by future victims won’t help them. But that’s OK I’m sure Google knows a lot more about law than me so I’ll retire gracefully and let you carry on.