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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

318 replies

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 17:33

For background, I am 32 and he is 33. We see each other at weekends. He is usually sensitive, caring etc which is why his behaviour last night shocked me.

We generally have a healthy sex life, but last weekend he told me that he felt undesired by me because I rarely initiate sex and this is true - whilst I enjoy it, I am not that sexually driven. I took his comments on board and initiated sex last night but he was so different. He was like a man possessed - quite rough and I felt like I was just an object to him. He wanted me to give him a blow job, so I did but he kept forcing his dick further and harder into my mouth. I was gagging and wretching and asked him to stop and said 'no', but he replied 'no' and he carried on going, pushing it deeper in. I actually felt like crying. Afterwards I told him if he ever did that again he wouldn't get any more blow jobs ever and he apologised.

Yet today I can't seem to let it go. I feel violated and used. It sounds silly because it's not like it was rape but I just feel so unheard and unseen. To top if off he sent me a sex related joke after I left today on whatsapp. I replied saying it was too soon after last night for that and that I appreciated his apology but sending stuff like that makes me think he's not taking my feelings seriously. He has since tried to call me but I don't really want to speak to him, although I should. He is supposed to be coming over later and I'd really rather not see him.

Part of me feels like I'm overreacting and that I should just move on, esp as he has apologised, but I am still feeling uncomfortable and unhappy about the whole thing.

Am I being unreasonable? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
Kdubs1981 · 23/04/2023 21:39

You are so young. 33 is nothing. You have ages to meet someone and have children (if that's what you want).

Do you really want to be married to someone like that and him to potentially be the father of your children. Of course you don't. You're worth a thousand of him. Sending support.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 23/04/2023 21:44

Alone and happy is better than in a relationship and in fear. You deserve better, and the only person who can guarantee that for you is you.

OrangeRock · 23/04/2023 22:35

He’s trying to deflect and also beat you down. He wants to rape you again and worse. Sorry for being blunt, but that’s what he’s hoping. He wants you to think you need him and he’ll get to do worse next time.
So well done for calling the crisis line, you did the right thing and you are do so well.
Does he have a key?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/04/2023 22:36

RichardHeed · 23/04/2023 19:27

Why are there so many arseholes on here whinging about semantics??

LEGALLY (in England) it was rape, who gives a flying fuck what the dictionary definition is?? It’s not the time or the place to flex your oh so impressive linguistics.

Show quote history

Thanks for that. I wish there was an edit function on here. I genuinely thought the definition of rape was with a penis into a vagina. I stand corrected.

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 22:52

Thank you to everyone again. Reading your messages is bringing me strength. I am flitting between disgust and horror that I have been treated this way, to sadness that my relationship is over and confusion as to how this came out of the blue. I really need to harness my power. I intend to end the relationship when we speak tomorrow

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 23:02

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm really hoping you end the relationship, and it's very unadvisable to speak to him again. He's fucking awful and all he has done is try to gaslight you into believing that you are the problem. He is a very dangerous man. You shouldn't see or speak to him again, and there's no need to. End this by a text and then block him.

ArabeIIaScott · 23/04/2023 23:14

Do please consider how to end it safely, OP. Should you want to, reporting to the police is always an option.

nocoolnamesleft · 23/04/2023 23:22

It is entirely up to you whether you report to the police. Whatever is right for you, whatever is safe for you. But please find a way out of this "relationship". It is far better to be single than to be trying to sleep in the same bed as your rapist.

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/04/2023 23:23

End it by phone or text, you’re not obligated to see him. Dont let manners or social niceties compromise safety
As I said safety first. If he has keys get lock changed
He wasn’t nice when he was forcing and ignoring you,culminating in rape.
If you really feel compelled to see him do it in a public place,take someone and book a cab home
He is going to
cry
be contrite
tell you it’s a misunderstanding
promise he’ll never do it again
blah blah

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 23:29

I won't be seeing him again. I just can't believe this has happened so quickly. My mum did remind me of another occasion when he wanted to have sex the moment after I heard my great aunt died. This was a while ago and I had forgotten about it. At the time I called him out on it but he just said 'I thought you might want to be close' LOL.

I really thought he was a decent one. Compared to my emotionally abusive ex, he was. And on the whole everything was fine until last night. And now my world has fallen apart

OP posts:
Original poster
frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 23:31

I don't think he is a bad person, just completely unable to comprehend or validate my feelings. It would almost be easier if he WAS a bad person as opposed to ignorant/immature etc

OP posts:
ArabeIIaScott · 23/04/2023 23:35

Yes, I know what you mean. But raping someone pretty much makes you a bad person, I'm afraid, by most people's definitions. I'm sorry, OP. It's hard, and it will take time to recover. Please be gentle with yourself.

Original poster
frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 23:50

I'm currently writing a list of all his negative points for the times when I waver, which I expect will be quite a lot over the next few days. I'm shocked by how many I am able to write. Perhaps he's not such a good catch after all...

Any tips on how I explain to people that we have broken up? Just 'it turned out we weren't compatible?' I can already hear him telling people how I was so critical and he could never do anything right (not actually true - i regularly praise and encourage him but he doesn't seem to hear it)

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 23/04/2023 23:53

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 20:27

Update: he called me (I thought to apologise) and told me that he is furious with me because I always want to pick a fight and he apologised yesterday and he thought it was all ok so there would be no problem sending me the sex joke.

then he went on to list all the things I do wrong in the relationship.

since then he has apologised and said he said those things in the heat of the moment etc but he’s not coming over. I called the rape crisis line and they were very helpful in reiterating that I haven’t done anything wrong and that what he did was rape etc.

I know what I need to do but I’m so scared. I’m nearly 33 and now I will be alone again - all my friends are settled down. I really want to believe that this was just a blip but I’m probably kidding myself. I need to find some self respect

Oh OP that’s really sad, please don’t feel you need to stay with this awful man and make the relationship work just because you don’t want to be the only one of your friendship group who hasn’t settled down. There honestly is lots of time. My friend dumped her long-term partner when she was 34, and married and had a child by the time she was 40. Much better to be on your own for a while than wishing you were away from this horrible man for ever.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 23:53

I think you went from one abusive man to another, and perhaps the abuse from your current boyfriend wasn't as bad as the first ex, you were able to look beyond a lot of it. I highly recommend the Freedom Programe.

ClairDeLaLune · 23/04/2023 23:57

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 23:50

I'm currently writing a list of all his negative points for the times when I waver, which I expect will be quite a lot over the next few days. I'm shocked by how many I am able to write. Perhaps he's not such a good catch after all...

Any tips on how I explain to people that we have broken up? Just 'it turned out we weren't compatible?' I can already hear him telling people how I was so critical and he could never do anything right (not actually true - i regularly praise and encourage him but he doesn't seem to hear it)

You could say he did something you weren’t happy about, and you don’t want to talk about it. But it really is no-one else’s business. But if he bad-mouths you, you’d be within your rights to tell everyone what he did.

PARunnerGirl · 24/04/2023 06:53

@frugalnecessity when people say “omg what happened?!” It’s a bit reductive for any relationship so I’d just say something like “No one knows what goes on inside a relationship except those two people. It’s very complicated and there wasn’t one single thing as such. We just weren’t compatible in the end.”

if he lies about you, it’s your choice whether or not you set the record straight. If it’s someone you don’t want to confide in, something like a PP said is good “He did something I wasn’t comfortable with, even though I told him not to. I’d rather not talk much more about it though.”

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/04/2023 08:07

♥️ stay strong x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/04/2023 08:09

Op you will see from this page that so many women go from one abusive set up to another

And that our boundaries are totally messed up so we don’t see what others see

the fact that he did this vile thing and then argued after speaks volumes sadly

in terms of what you say to people
you are still in shock
in time the magnitude will hit you

keep that list on your phone and keep adding to it
you will waiver and having that list to hand will help

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2023 08:14

frugalnecessity · 23/04/2023 23:50

I'm currently writing a list of all his negative points for the times when I waver, which I expect will be quite a lot over the next few days. I'm shocked by how many I am able to write. Perhaps he's not such a good catch after all...

Any tips on how I explain to people that we have broken up? Just 'it turned out we weren't compatible?' I can already hear him telling people how I was so critical and he could never do anything right (not actually true - i regularly praise and encourage him but he doesn't seem to hear it)

Do you have lots of friends in common.

For most just say it didn’t work out. But for those close to you do you feel able to tell them

leilani83 · 24/04/2023 08:28

It was rape. Report him to the police.

What will he do next time - to you or to someone else

AprilFool23 · 24/04/2023 08:42

Spambod · 23/04/2023 18:14

That’s why he specifically made sure you initiated sex so that you felt you had asked for it and he would always have this as his excuse. He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys. He has manipulated you. I am so sorry he treated you like this op. No decent man would do this. The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent. Run for the fucking hills.

This is a good point.

It's notable the first time he chose to do rough , forceful oral sex - and ignore you saying no, was also the first time he encouraged you to initiate (?)

There's something very thought out and strategic about that .... Like he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants if he gets the woman to initiate sex. Maybe even thinks that will be the case legally, if he were to end up in a cop shop.

That's sinister.

AprilFool23 · 24/04/2023 08:43

He has done this before to other women. This is the sex he enjoys.
The sexual WhatsApp was also him arse covering. Again because he has done this before he knows how to play it so it looks like mutual consent.

This too X 100

This seems premeditated and strategic.

AprilFool23 · 24/04/2023 08:50

*told me that he is furious with me because I always want to pick a fight and he apologised yesterday and he thought it was all ok

then he went on to list all the things I do wrong in the relationship*

What a gas lighting manipulative piece of work.

He's a proponent of the "attach is the best form of defence" strategy too.

Work himself up into some anger/fury towards you .... Yeah, there's only one person with reason to be furious and it's you.

Then a nice general critique and character assassination to, again, get the focus off him and out it in you, get you on the defensive, not him.

He's really quite evil.

You need to get as far away from him S you can and stay there.

If you must, you can tell people he was not who you thought he was or that he did something utterly unacceptable in a relationship and you cannot continue seeing him.

He will, by his behaviour towards you, lie and manipulate til the cows come home.

AprilFool23 · 24/04/2023 08:53

To others too, i mean.

Maybe a word in the ear of some people closest to you to say he likes extremely rough, aggressive, degrading porn style sex and chooses not to hear no when women say it.

See how he comes back from that being circulated.