Sex last night with bf...help **Content Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

'he raped me' would be a fair explanation of why it ended, OP. But that's up to you, you may prefer not to discuss, in which case just say so.

Any tips on how I explain to people that we have broken up?

it depends if you move in the same social circles etc, "it's just one of those things that wasn't really working out" is probably for the best, non-committal and won't lead to uncomfortable questions.

The list of his bad points, for your eyes only, is a good idea if you think you're going to waver.

That's a question only you can answer, OP.

Many women stay in relationships where occasional rape happens.

Go Back and read your list of issues and faults in the relationship.

Go back and think about how you felt when you were gagging, struggling to breathe, saying no and he continued to push further.

Go back to how rude, dismissive and cruel he’s been in the last 48 hours, blaming you for what happened.

This isn’t a good relationship. He isn’t a good man to you.

But it's not a one off. You yourself have said that.

Write the list you wrote yesterday here. It will help you.

frugalnecessity

the problem is it happened
and what happened was fucking horrible

but he didn’t apologise did he ?

he rammed his dick down your throat (I’m sorry to use such hard language )
you said NO
he didn’t stop

and then totally wouldn’t own he did a bad terrible thing and turned it on you

that’s major
i know it’s hard as you had 2 year of relative calm (did you ?) beforehand

You're not throwing away a good relationship. You're throwing away a rapist. Please stay strong OP, a man who could do this to you is a man who doesn't love you, respect you, or even see you as human. Please, please don't go back. You deserve so much better.

But he hasn't genuinely owned what he did...he turned the tables on you.

That is abusive behaviour.

It doesn't matter if its a one off or not. The fact is you know he is capable of rape. Do you really want to be with a guy who rapes you and then decides to tell you what you've done wrong?

Please don't ever briing kids into this.

The thing about abusive relationships is that the physical brutality is generally just part of a long controlling dynamic.

The horror of being raped is very clear, and very clearly wrong, but in general I think many survivors of dv would say that the worst part of these relationships is the gaslighting and manipulation. Which is generally hard to see by its very nature, when one is still suffering the effects of it.

It can take a very long time to see the patterns of behaviour and understand what was happening.

Given your update about your emotionally abusive ex I think it would be a very good idea for you to look into doing the Freedom Programme, OP.

Here is the thing OP. It could be a one off, it could be that in the moment, he wasn't thinking clearly, thought you liked it as you iniatiated, he could have gotten carried away, he could have thought all kinds of things. BUT what you know know about him is that he can get himself into a headspace where he pushes his dick into your mouth while you gag and wretch and doesn't stop when you say stop and no. He did multiple things that violated your boundaries and your consent. This wasn't subtle, this wasn't a case of I don't know if he heard me say stop - this was a situation where he carried on knowing you didn't want it and then didn't even appreciate or acknowledge the seriousness of what he did. He wasn't devastated and consumed with guilt and shame and remorse right after when he realized he had crossed one boundary. Will he do it again - you don't know but what you do know is that he could do it again. Do you want to go into each sexual encounter wondering if he will get himself in that headspace again and rape you again? Do you want to worry about initiating again in case he takes it the wrong way? Do you want to want to be guarded and uncomfortable during intimate contact as you aren't sure what he will do next? Is this a healthy relationship for you, regardless of your feelings for him? What would you tell a friend or your sister if you knew their boyfriend had raped them, but only once?

Lovely, it's very normal to wonder if you're doing the right thing, but ... he raped you.

And then he turned it around on you and blamed you!! Look up DARVO to see why he does this.

You deserve much better. Look back at the list of his bad characteristics.

It's better to be on your own than to be with a rapist.

💐

you feel violated because you were. You said no, and he ignored your wishes.

time to end the relationship. So sorry this has happened to you.

OP, I'm sorry to say it is not an "otherwise good relationship."

He raped you. This clearly demonstrates that he does not care about you. He does not respect you. His attitude when you have confronted him is one of anger. This shows no remorse. And without remorse it is likely to happen again.

He has shown you who he is and no fear of being alone or starting over with someone new is going to change who he is. Do not waver. Leave him, and if you feel inclined, speak to the police.

Think about this man. Is he really the sort of man you would want to share your life with. The sort of man you would have children with; would trust to educate your sons and protect your daughters? If a friend or sister told you that her partner that done the exact same thing to her, would you be offering excuses or would you want more for her and urge her to leave? You deserve all the love and safety that you would want for others, so don't settle for less yourself.

I really feel for you, OP. You said earlier I don't think he is a bad person, just completely unable to comprehend or validate my feelings.

But that is a massive red flag. He sounds utterly selfish. Think of spending your life with someone who ignores your feelings, on everything from small everyday matters to major issues such as sexual assault.

Also, he has committed an act of violence against you and refuses to recognise its seriousness. If he can hurt (and potentially injure) you like that, and think nothing of it, what’s to stop him causing you serious injuries?

Kindly OP, what other people think about you breaking up is SO far down the list of things that you should concern yourself with. In general nobody is that interested. 'It didn't work out.' is fine. Who cares what he says? I'd not be surprised if he downplays it too, he shouldn't want to take the risk that he slags you off so much that you reveal what he did...

Please know that you are worthy of so much more than this rapist pig is offering

In my experience with my ex, it wasn’t a one off. I see now he was testing me to see how much I’d put up with. Once he was certain my self esteem was on the floor and I’d put up with his behaviour, he escalated.

In the end he was molesting and sexually assaulting me in my sleep, forcing me into sex by threatening me or our children etc. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I think this is your test, he’s testing the waters as to how far he can go with you. And he’s gaslighting you and mocking your upset also? This man is dangerous, you shouldn’t ever be alone with him ever again, please put yourself first.

I have been with my DH for 13 years. Never ever, not even ONCE, has he continued to sexually do something I didn't want. He has never even verbally pressured me or try to persuade me after I've said no, I don't want sex.

My point? Once is already too many times, op. You're supposed to feel safe and loved by your partner. Not made to feel vulnerable and like an object. This will likely be the start and he would do it more often and see how far he can push you. Put yourself first. You don't deserve to be treated like that nor do you deserve to walk on eggshells waiting for the next time.

You're young enough at 33 to leave him and find a nice guy and have children if you choose to.

Please don't be left with regrets 5 or 7 years in the future as you've either got children with this awful guy and his behaviour has got far worse or it's too late to have children.

Right now you have the ability to change your life for the better. I wish I had done this. Many years ago when I was young and naive I ignored the red flags and stayed with a guy who turned out to be a horrible abuser. Then I had a child by him. Although I love my child it was the biggest mistake of my life. I have spent a long time in therapy talking about my wish to turn back time and let him go.

Please don't be scared by the fear of being alone. That is no reason to ruin your entire life.

I know you're feeling tempted to explain away his behaviour and think it's not that bad. I did exactly the same with my ex. Believe me it will escalate. Once he realises that you have forgiven his behaviour it will get worse. The fact he is turning the tables on you and being nasty to you about it says it all

You're at a crossroads now- please choose the path of self respect. Maybe get some help to determine what a healthy relationship looks like and then move forward positively.

And??
What the fuck are you really trying to say with that?

That it's ok, occasionally??
Are you actually SERIOUS!!!

I realise you didn't mean it that way! Apologies !

I'm usually more on the lenient side when it comes to LTB type threads, but in this instance it really sounds like you'd be best off cutting your losses and getting out. Even if you managed to convince yourself that it was a one-off (and I agree with others that it probably wouldn't be, if you've basically given him the green light by not leaving as a result of it), look back at your previous post... last night it sounded like when you thought about it, you actually found quite a few things he'd said or done in the past that you didn't like. And that's just in the first two years. That's meant to be the honeymoon period! I know it seems like a long time right now but it really isn't. You have no kids together, no major ties by the sounds of it, and you're only 33. Seriously, you're in a much, much better position than a lot of women who realise they need to get out of relationships. I really hope you can find the strength to do it.

I do wish ignorant people wouldn't post nonsense. Please look at the definition of rape. It includes oral, vaginal and anal penetration.