Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

Genuinely one of the most horrific threads I've ever read

I almost hope you're not real because I can't imagine anyone in real life being such a bitch to their friends.

I think it's a cowardly, scum move
Scum

It sounds like you are both struggling with what she went through. 2 years isn’t long. Watching her behaviour deteriorate must be really hard. Also you are not her therapist. But it sounds like what has happened has ruined her life. Personally I wouldn’t block her I would tell her tactfully. She sounds really vulnerable and maybe an honest conversation will get you further. I haven’t read all the posts but I wonder if there is anywhere giving her the help she needs. But at the same time she needs to want to be helped. I hope you are ok.

You should know that all that 'support' isn't necessarily as useful as you think. She is known to MH services and can contact a housing officer. These are not going to swoop in and solve things, they will refer her if she wants for things like talking therapies but they're not always effective/ require a lot of work that a lot of trauma leaves you not ready for. You say her family are pulling away as are you, this in itself is going to play into her trauma.
Obviously you're overwhelmed and don't have the capacity to listen or turn up for her, but of course you shouldn't just not turn up. You need to let her know you've run to the end of being able to listen etc. Surely you don't just flick the switch on a 22 year friendship unless you're made of ice.

Just reading this post from the OP again.

No wonder her friend is so traumatised!

This! You made it sound like you’d been long suffering for years with her self destructive behaviour. 2 years ?! That is absolutely nothing in terms of dealing with trauma. Why can’t you just be honest? If she recovers and goes back to her old self will you be happy to lose her from your life? I can’t believe how selfish some people are.

I have autism and over the years I've had long term friends suddenly ghost me ( fully aware it's likely ive said something inappropriate, offended someone unintentionally or they just struggle with how to manage my neurdiversity)

However, to this day is still upsets me GREATLY that I have no explanation. I've moved on and found other friends and support but the fact that I will likely NEVER know what I did wrong bugs me. What if I do it again? What if I obliviously move through life with friends ditching me because of a repete social faux par?

You are not obliged to he friends with her, that is your decision alone, however I think you owe it to this person to explain your decision and provide a reason why you need to step back from the friendship. It sounds like she has enough issues going on and adding to her trust issues with people is not appropriate.

2 years is not enough to get over the trauma of rape. If you've really had enough then give your friend an ultimatum to get professional help or you will end the relationship. I do think you are being unreasonable though. Are you sure you're not feeling guilty as you were with her when it happened?

I know it's been hard having to go through ot with her but to ghost a friend of 22 years I think is shitty. Have the decency to tell her tomorrow when you see her that she needs help but you need to step back. Don't just ignore her . How will that make her feel when she is already so low

Oh my God, your poor friend. I understand that this is difficult for you, but you need to put her first. She really needs all the help she can get at the moment. When I read your first post, I thought you were going to say this happened 10 years ago or something. Surely you can see that she's still traumatised and the last thing she needs is being dumped by her best friend? I don't know where you would get advice for the best way to help her - maybe the rape crisis centre supports friends and relatives too, I'm not sure. I'm sure someone can advise you on the best way to help your friend - please don't abandon her when she needs you the most.

You sound very cold. I’m not sure why you refer to her as your friend? I can understand you want to step back a bit, but to end your friendship altogether is really unkind.
Shes been through a huge trauma, and it will affect her for the rest of her life. It only happened two years ago. I can’t imagine what that poor woman is going through.

This is not how you treat a friend op.

You don't have to answer this OP (obvs) but it's striking how after going into detail about your friend's life trajectory you skim over the details of the night when she was raped.

You lost each other - where were you and what were you doing while she was being raped?

I wonder if this is behind your seemingly emotionally unintelligent posts and your wish that your friend would just disappear from your life (hence your initial action of blocking her) - intense feelings of guilt and helplessness that you also want to just disappear.

Wow. You poor poor friend. I wonder if abusers really appreciate the trauma their abuse causes for their victims. Its not just the victim either, its her family, employers and her friends. At first when I read your post I was expecting that she had been like this for many years, but it's 2....and you've been friends for 22 years. I understand your need to protect yourself, I really do but to just bail on her by blocking/ghosting seems a bit much.
Have you actually sat and had a proper talj about the impact this is having on your friendship? It's OK to say you've had enough of her behaviour. It's OK to say you only want to hear details if there's been any significant change. Its OK to say you don't want to hear about her feelings every single time.
Be honest, tell her you considered just cutting her out but didn't because you care. Next time she offloads interrupt and ask simply 'what's your plan?' ...if she says 'I'm just saying...' tell her you can't listen anymore. This is a case of a problem shared being a problem double not halved.
Isn't there a middle ground? Could you plan less meet ups, but for specific activities eg spa then lunch?
Of course, if nothing changes and you've set your cards out fairly, then of course retreat, I just feel 2 years isn't actually a long time. A prosecution might go someway towards healing.
Good luck

How utterly horrible and depressing.
I'm so grateful for my family and friends: they'd never behave like the OP.

You sound like an awful person. It sounds like your friend has become too much for you, which is understandable, but you can't say I helped her through court it was horrific etc, and feel that you've done your part? It sounds like there's a very deal risk that your friend could be rejected by both you and her family at the same time and not to be dramatic but if she is so mentally unwell that you want her to disappear from your easy life, are you not concerned she is suicidal? I would be trying to move heaven and earth to help my friend get back to a life worth living. If you must distance yourself from her then you take accountability for that and tell her it's your own issue. I feel nothing but compassion for this woman, she has lost everything all because a man decided he could take it from her. Her life is in ruins, no job, family don't sound great and you're confirming she's not worth the effort. In the long term she will be better off without you.

From your first post I thought it had been decades since the rape, but turns out it's been two. You expect her to have moved on in such a short time.

Wow. YABU and a bad friend.

Bit harsh people. She's traumatised.. it's not really that long ago. You don't just snap back to be functioning.

She's lost her whole life.

Not OP responsibility, she should step back to protect herself. I've experienced this with a college friend. She didn't get better and got worse till I was starting to go down. I messaged saying, I need a step back to look after myself also, please reach out for help and when your in a better place we can see.. sort of message. Not exact words. But ghosting with no explanation when she feels her life is over already is mean.

But the hostility from some posters over someone battling trauma bloody hell, I thought people were a bit more compassionate to mental illness these days. Sounds like a snap out if it, your symptoms are too inconvenient now.

When I read the OP's first post I thought the rape was a number of years ago and could see how years of attempting to support someone would become very difficult to continue to deal with. But, two years?! Blocking her is totally unacceptable. Have an honest conversation by all means, but this poor woman needs a significant amount of counselling and, given the current state of mental health support in the UK, I very much doubt she's getting the level of support she really needs. She is clearly still dealing with the impact on her life, beyond the initial rape, which includes losing her job/ career.

I can't believe what I just read. You are asking 'is it OK to block my friend of 22 years as she has PTSD and leave her waiting for me not knowing what has happened to me?'

Of course it is bloody not OK.

It is easy to see that you are at the end of your coping ability with her and it is not your job to fix her. So it is perfectly OK to step away and set some boundaries. But to push the knife into an already broken human being is an awful thing to do. How would you feel if this makes her worse and she ends up no longer here? I am not saying that is your responsibility, but you do need to act with some tact here.

You are not a good friend to suggest abandoning her with no explanation when she is in crisis.

I have (very sadly) experience of supporting someone who has been through the same thing and she also spiralled for a long time afterwards. It is tough so I do understand some of what you're saying OP.

That said, However tough it's been for you, is absolutely fuck all in comparison to what your friend has experienced and has to live with now. The poor woman.

You said it was 2 years ago - and what? Is there a time frame to mentally deal with something so horrific? She is traumatised and her whole life has been affected.
She just wants to have a walk and a sleep on a weekend away? I'm not surprised.

One of the worst, most selfish things I've read on here.

You're going to stand up, block and ghost your "friend" of two decades who is struggling hugely after being raped and going through the trial ..... Are you aiming at making her too herself?

Have some basic human decency and respect and tell her what you're doing cause you can't cope ATM.

So the guy had to rape 3 women before the case took it seriously.

Is this hoe it works in the UK. That is so messed up.

*Are you aiming at making her top herself?

*I am not saying that is your responsibility, but you do need to act with some tact here.

You are not a good friend to suggest abandoning her with no explanation when she is in crisis.*

This.

You seem to have very poor life and communication skills .... Maybe you should get some counselling yourself.

I'm glad you're not my 'friend'. If you can't cope anymore, then the least you can do after a 20-year odd friendship is to explain to her why you can't be friends.

I actually shook my head when you said the rape was 2 years ago. I cant believe anyone can be so cruel to have an expected her to have moved on by now.

I hope you never go through anything as traumatic.

But as I say if you can't keep the friendship any more, please don't just block her, tell her.