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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 01/07/2023 08:30

CoachBeardsJane · 01/07/2023 03:51

So your friend thinks you're going to meet up with her tomorrow, but you've blocked her number so when she goes to confirm it won't go through, but text messages will still look they've gone through, so she might go to wherever you were meeting and you're going to stand her up.

By all means get rid of the friendship but at least tell her you won't be seeing her tomorrow. She deserves that much at least

Agree.

And I was shocked that this has only been 2 years. I thought you were going to say it had been going on for 8+

Ywudu · 01/07/2023 08:31

Have you had some counselling for this OP? You were out together and should have been looking after each other. It could just have easily have been you not her. Is it possible listening to your friend is re-traumatising you?

However if you are that cold you think she should be over it by now maybe give her mental health crisis team a heads up that you are about to tell her you can't cope with her and she should be over it.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 01/07/2023 08:31

You know you can see less of someone and gently phase them out? Cutting someone off so bluntly just seems cruel to me. I have a friend a bit like yours, I can go a year without seeing her when she's particularly bad. She's sober at the moment and we met for lunch. No big deal.

BackAgainstWall · 01/07/2023 08:31

You are a callous coward.

At least have the guts to meet her and tell her face to face KINDLY.

Bubblyb00b · 01/07/2023 08:33

@WaitingforSummer77 I feel like you are not understanding the severity of the damage done to your friend. I have seen it before - people with depression, or even with bipolar being treated as if their behaviour is somehow a choice. It is not! Your poor friend is severely damaged. She is in pain. She hates herself, she is constantly reliving her rape - should I have done that? was it my fault? did I resist enough? and she drinks too much to numb her suffering. You do understand that she is probably suicidal as well? You cant just dump her like this, imagine how she will feel - she lost practically everyhting, her life, sanity, family, and now her "friend"...

I understand that you would much rather not deal with it; luckily for you, you can just walk away from all of this horror and tragedy. You keep repeating how you were affected by what happened, but you seem to forget if wasn't you who was raped. I can also imagine you probably feeling guilty she ended up alone and would much rather just forget all of this altogether.

I would suggest - as you say you liked this girl, at least try to dump her in a kind and sensitive way. Maybe talk to her and say you need a break. Invent a reason you are distancing yourself. Don't tell her "I cant deal with your drama, snap out of it". I got a feeling you are not an emotional or very empathetic person, but at lest you seem to try to do the right thing - don't add to her pain.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 08:33

Well as it happens troll Hunters - I do know something about the cps.

It is perfectly feasible that this got to court at a year .

There were forensics - pretty much nails it on . It's not a complex case technically, and there was more than 1 victim so if suspect was already on dna database , cctv evidence , fairly straight forward job to get to court .

As someone who has dealt with similar cases, it's perfectly reasonable as a time scale .

And 2 years is now after lockdown .

Lambiriyani · 01/07/2023 08:34

At least the guy was convicted.

BeautifulSloth · 01/07/2023 08:35

She needs trauma therapy. It's fine for you to set boundaries you need to think of yourself as no one else will be able to care for you as you can yourself. Find a couple of trauma therapists on line and send her the details of them if you can. But there is no need to feel bad about distancing yourself from her.

ThreeLocusts · 01/07/2023 08:39

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:05

2 years is nothing to "get over" a stranger rape attack

I'm sorry I think you are heartless. And I'm a police officer .

For info when someone is detained under a s136 for mental health the police take them to a place of safety- Ie - psychiatric hospital- where they are assessed by a psychiatrist for a decision whether to hold on a section or release. The police have nothing to do with that process.

She clearly needs help but mentally I'll and traumatised people don't recognise that else they wouldn't be mentally I'll would they ?

You've been friends 20 years and your going to stand her up , you E blocked her without so much as a conversation?

Sorry but what you are doing is horrible.

If you can't be friends - explain why. Tell her she needs help . Explain where to get it . But dumping her like that 2 years after such a horrific incident after 20 years is not a kind act .

This. I'm still haunted by the loss of a friend who disappeared gradually after being raped. I'd rather have extra drama in my life than wonder where she is and how she's doing.

BoogiemanSam · 01/07/2023 08:40

Personally I think you don’t want to be around her because you feel guilty. If you hadn’t have been so pissed up that night you wouldn’t have lost her and she may not have been raped.

You need therapy to help with your own demons but what you’re proposing to do to a friend of 20 years who is deep in trauma is abhorrent.

TedMullins · 01/07/2023 08:40

Good grief. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can only hope you suffer something deeply traumatic and have friends block you when they decide your trauma is overrunning the timeline they’d prefer.

Minfilia · 01/07/2023 08:42

This is really fucking awful to read.

In the past two years she’s been raped, gone through a stressful trial, lost her home and her job. Of course she’s traumatised!

I get the impression that you’re one of those people who can only cope with the practical and not the emotional. Perhaps that’s why you find it difficult, because you can’t “fix” it.

But she still needs support and withdrawing it could do huge damage.

FWIW I had a friend who became a trainwreck (not due to trauma though). I offered endless help. In the end I told her that I couldn’t sit back and continue to watch her make one catastrophic decision after the other and that her life choices just didn’t align with my own moral values so I had to step back for a while. So I do get that part.

But abandoning a traumatised friend seems
so awful. I’d at least have to make sure I did everything I could in terms of support, encouraging her to get to therapy, etc first.

MammaTo · 01/07/2023 08:42

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:47

The rape was 2 years ago. Don't know if I made that clear in my original post. There was 1 year where I supported her through the investigation and appearing in court. And since then one year of stress and drama with her. I really didn't mind supporting her through the investigation but I really thought after he got convicted she would move on. But since then she's been worse than ever. I do feel sad for her but it's beyond me

Only 2 years ago and you expect her to just bounce back to normal mental health?

Its a bit tight if you ask me. She needs support and love around her - I can fully appreciate its taxing but 2 years isn’t a very long time.

Gingercatlover · 01/07/2023 08:42

In answer to your question - Yes you are being unreasonable!

This is the worst thing I have ever read on here, people are telling you, that you are unreasonable and you're not listening anyway.

Why bother posting?

I'm not sure you're for real anyway? No one can be this cold and heartless.

Summernightss · 01/07/2023 08:42

This is terrible, I mean you are!
I originally thought the rape happened twenty yrs ago, so I thought ok, if she is like this for last 20 years ..ok.
But 2 years ago???!!! Shame on you!
You were friends, why would you dump her only as it’s a bit annoying for you?
Wow, I was raped when I was 15 ( 1989) and I never spoke about it to anyone, so I can understand how she feels, especially 2 yrs on!

Naunet · 01/07/2023 08:44

Whataretheodds · 01/07/2023 08:30

Agree.

And I was shocked that this has only been 2 years. I thought you were going to say it had been going on for 8+

Show quote history

And she’s not even really had 2 years, that first year with the court case etc, would have re-traumatised her again and again. She wouldn’t have even been able to start recovering, so really OP has given this poor woman a year to ‘get over’ a rape.

Exmaghag · 01/07/2023 08:44

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 04:32

Okay thank you for your responses. I will message her and say I'm not up for meeting tomorrow. I do really care about her. I am not a bad friend, but I am suffering too. I am not a very emotional person. I've never been huggy with my friends. I am practical. I try to arrange fun things for us to do, because I want to take her mind off of it, but I admit when we have gone for a weekend away, she just wants to go for a walk then sleep. I must admit this is all new to me.

Some people may call me a fair weather friend. That might be true. But I know for a fact that I 100% supported my friend through the investigation and court.

There’s the crux of it - you miss your hard-partying fun friend and can’t cope with her being someone in distress from something that happened only two years ago who only wants to go for walks and rest. I’m glad you’re texting her now and I think you’re ultimately doing her a favour. I had a friend like you who cruelly dropped me when I was suffering a medical crisis and while I was devastated at the time I came to recognise our relationship was shallower than a puddle and only worked when it was all about going out and getting drunk. Now I have friends who are there for me emotionally and I don’t miss her at all. So bail on her and find a shiny new friend who only cares about going out and getting drunk, you’ll be welcome to one another.

CliptyClop · 01/07/2023 08:44

I have never once messaged on mumsnet before. But this compelled me to.. you are not a nice person, no matter how terrible her behaviour has been, she has been through one of the most unbelievably dramatic experiences imaginable and you’re just ending your friendship with her because basically she isn’t the fun, sociable ‘buddie’ you once had. Like other people have said, thank god you’re not my friend.

Backstreets · 01/07/2023 08:45

You did the right thing messaging her OP. Hey I’m all for a friendship ghosting with exhausting, draining people but she’s fragile, traumatised and mentally ill - she at least deserves an explanation, the hurt wouldn’t have been any less if she’d just been blocked (just easier on you!). Poor woman :(

Your recounting of the case is shocking. These men should be thrown in a deep pit at the first transgression. Women are canon fodder.

Newnamenewname109870 · 01/07/2023 08:45

I’d personally have told her I can’t message before I blocked her.

Newnamenewname109870 · 01/07/2023 08:46

Two years ago isn’t that long. You can reinstate boundaries without being an utter heartless bitch.

DrSbaitso · 01/07/2023 08:47

If you're going to dump her, OP, at least have the decency to do it honestly and openly and tell her why.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 01/07/2023 08:47

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 04:42

How about you trying to walk a mile in her shoes instead?

How about fighting to get her the right support

How about contacting victim care services instead of thi I g a h nurse and a union rep cuts it ?

How about reading about trauma responses and how rape affects someone

How about contacting her other friends and family ?

How about finding charitable support for rape survivors?

How about growing up and realising fun activities aren't what she needs and your idea of fun probably isn't hers right now since it was on one of your "fun activities " she got raped ?

You're annoying me now .

Show quote history

This. If this thread is you trying to justify yourself you’re doing a dreadful job of it.

Anissue · 01/07/2023 08:47

2 years ago? Harsh.

Anissue · 01/07/2023 08:48

I think it would be terrible to dump your friend at a time like this.