Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

Op, it sounds like she needs walks and sleeping. She is in recovery from a major traumatic event.
Perhaps you are not the right person to support her you don't seem to understand or even be a little bit empathetic to what she is going through. But don't just cut her off. I imagine she will feel "unworthy" and not deserving of love after friends and family leave her. Try and get her to go to support groups offer to go with her, see if you can help her find people who have been through similar.
I can't work out if you are completely heartless or feeling guilty yourself. Either way, your friend needs you.

Poor woman. She might never get over this but in time may find better healthier ways to cope. There is no time limit on trauma.

Blocking seems a bit cruel and final. Yes, step back, put in some boundaries as your own mental health is important to.

Have not read the full thread, I think wanting to end the friendship is not unreasonable, but just blocking her with no explanation is a cruel and cowardly way to do it. She deserves better than that. You are a better person than that - surely??

At least write her a letter to explain that you need some space and distance. Letting her look forward to meeting you, only to be blocked will be a shock and she will always be wondering why - it will add to her trauma for sure.
Do it properly, OP.

I wonder does she know she is being a nightmare and hold some residual anger at you as you were there that night and you weren't raped? I had a serious sexual assault at 14 and the so called friends I was with left me and went home. The confusion and anger (real rage!) I felt for them was a very weird and unspoken thing to the extent that I had to leave the friendship and even now 25 years later I'm not sure how I would react if I saw them. Obviously she needs counselling. It sounds like you do too? Blocking her seems really extreme but clearly you been through this trauma with her. Could you say something like: I'm getting counselling to help me recover from this and for the sake of our friendship you need to as well. She may never recover from this hopefully she will learn to cope. She deserves friends to support her through it and if you can't be that then at least explain why.

Instead of arranging fun things that you think she'll like to do why don't you do what she actually wants to do? Go for a walk and then let her sleep. Why not go to hers and go for a little walk together then just let her fall asleep at home and you can leave a note saying 'Dear x, You were obviously feeling very tired so I covered you with a blanket and am going to make my way home now. love X'

If you can't manage a walk with her because you can't cope emotionally with the turmoil she is in then message her and tell her you're not feeling up to it. Tell her you are struggling with your own MH, (this doesn't sound like it's untrue even if it is due to the trauma she has been through).

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to need to protect your own MH and there's only so much you can do to help someone else, I think what a lot of people are upset about is that you seem to think she should be 'over it' just a year after the prosecution. It takes 3 years (supposedly) to move on from an affair - so to be raped, then to have to constantly relive that for everyone in the court process for the next year - well it's not surprising that she's not over it just a year later. The other issue is that rather than tell her you're not coping you want to just ghost her, after 22 years and what she's been through she deserves better than that.

Are you ND OP? Just wondering as you seem to be really struggling to put yourself in her shoes. It would also explain why you are struggling so much to cope with her emotions and describe yourself as 'practical'.

Your posts come across quite selfish. How it's affected you and how stressful its been for you. I have no doubt that its been hard but objectively its been worse for her. It could have been you that this happened to. The lack of empathy is really uncomfortable to read.

Two years is nothing op in trauma terms. Yes she needs professional help but she also needs good friends. You clearly can't be that so maybe you're doing her a favour but if you withdraw slowly rather than the dramatic block it will be easier for her and tbh that's the least you can do for the sake of the good 22 years you have had.

Poor lady.
I was assaulted by a former bf when a lot younger.
He got off on me lying on floor bleeding. And it happened more than once.
Got away from him.
Did have other bad relationships before and after.

Bottled situations and my feelings up mostly. Spoke to one of my sister's about it but didn't dump on her too much.

Later on when we were just friends before starting see each other, I confided a lot with my now boyfriend. He'd gone through crap at school, was psychologically abused by his parents, bullied at workplaces etc etc and had had loads of counciling to recover.

He was/is very easy to open up to. He encouraged me to seek counciling etc etc, but my anxiety of doing so stopped me.
Poor man had put up with dumping on him so so much - about my childhood, dysfunction family, foster care and exs etc etc.
Think because he had been through similar crap, is non judgemental, was able to show I did nothing wrong and had bags of time for me, it help lots.

Did feel guilty for laying such a load on him but he said not to worry.
He was only one to come with me every time I had hospital treatment for tuberculosis, as being partly disabled he gets free travel and at the time was only doing part time charity volunteering. He always looked out for me, other of his friends and his elderly neighbours. He's good like that.

Think we were surprised as anyone when he sorta clicked around a year later, but we always got on well and it's worked for 6 years now.

Your friend needs help and beyond your capabilities to provide them for her. She sounds like she needs professional help and needs pushing in that direction.

Tbh I wish I'd had had guts back in the day to get it myself. Think lot of my issues would've much lessened, my recovery quicker and I'd not have spent so long out of work etc? Worth pursuing certainly.
Best luck.

So, you’re going to tell her you aren’t up for meeting then you’re going to ghost her? Even friends who are mentally stable struggle to be ghosted. The least you can do is offer her an explanation as to why you need space - you don’t have to end the friendship forever.

2 years ago is just when lockdown ended.

And how do you explain the pointless backstory about the friend going to a top uni in London and qualifying into a prestigious profession but leaving London because she had no money (lol).

Believe what you want to believe, but the OP lost me in her opening post.

Based on your description of yourself I'd agree this isnt the rught friendship. I thinj id just want to walk and sleep as well. Personally, with her being a very long term friend, and having been totally sorted before all this, I suspect she'll reclaim herself once the initial nightmare has subsided. I wouldnt close the door on her. Have you ever told her that it's making you unwell? Whatever, it's up to you, but I feel ending the friendship completely is a drastic move after particularly horrifying circumstances

I have never felt so utterly proud of my own close group of friends. We have all had our traumas and never behaved like this poster. What a selfish, nasty, unkind thing to do!

Fine to drop her but not like this, ghosting is a horrible way to end a friendship and sounds like the woman is in a bad way

I think it's really cruel to just block her. She's understandably in a great deal of distress and seems to be in the middle of a breakdown.
By all means set boundaries/ tell her you can't deal with her behaviour atm so need to step back now, but ghosting her is awful.

@romdowa

Op I feel you've been flamed here. Your friend is now in the throws of an addiction caused by trauma. Dealing with that for years as an untrained professional , is exhausting. At least the trained professionals get to go home but its like you are on call 24/7 . You've burned out . It's a really hard situation for you both. Your friend is responsible for her own mental health and its unfair of her to lean on you so much for so long but I wouldn't block her or just cut her off. It will just cause more trauma. You need to do a slow fade and put on your own life jacket first. You are both drowning here and you can't sacrifice yourself for her.
^^^
THIS
Very good post.
Not sure how many of these poster would listen to someone continuously going over the same horrific events and further drama 24/7.
A lot of mental health advice advises you to step back from negative people constantly dumping all their emotional problems on you.
As as a possible alcoholic now, it must be a very difficult relationship and as op has said the friend s family are also struggling.
Of course I feel for the friend but alcohol is never the answer and just causes more problem.
While the friend is using alcohol as a crutch she will , sadly never move on , she is causing herself more problems and leading on everyone else.
It's sad ti see yiur friend in a path of self destruction- but op can not do it for her.
She can not stop her drinking.
Op has said she will talk to her friend now so has taken advise from Mumsnet

@Fraaahnces

I say this as a rape survivor… (note, not “victim”.) You need to tell her that she is letting that awful experience eclipse her and letting him win. Her rape has become the defining point in her identity and in her relationship with you, and it’s not fair to repeatedly traumatise you with it anymore. You have helped her as much as any human can. She needs to stop using you as a therapist and seek professional help to be able to put the past where it belongs, and allow herself a future. To do that you will give her the space she needs to find someone and begin healing, and in the meantime, you will work on clearing your own headspace.
^
SPOT ON

On one hand you say she’s constantly drinking and drunk but then in further comments you say when you go on holiday she just wants to sleep and go on walks and that this is all new to you. Which one is it?

Is she too boring for you now and only wants to talk about her trauma or is she an out of control drunk?

I just don’t believe this could really be true. Surely it’s a troll. I’m hoping it isn’t true.

Some of the responses here are quite horrifying. People calling her an emotional vampire, as though she has a choice in being traumatized after being raped? Telling OP to stop speaking to a friend of 20 years, who probably already feels like her world is falling apart, because she's had a bad couple of years? What a nasty, selfish attitude. I think I'd rather have no friends at all than friends like some of you 

OP, I had a sexually traumatizing experience 6 years ago - some days, it still affects me massively. I wake up and feel like someone is sitting on my chest from the anxiety, and I know it's going to be 'one of those days' - I cannot just decide to snap out of it. She's not going to be 'over it' just because it's been 2 years or there's been a conviction. She will likely never be over it. Unless you've been through the same or similar, you will never understand the violation. People kill themselves over this- I know because I've been in that mindset.

You're entitled to ask for a little space and a little less trauma dumping. But to just ghost her, after so long, because she's struggling is really really shitty. I'd keep my fingers crossed that you only ever need fair weather friends, never anyone to help support you when you're really low.

So what you're saying isn't mymm no
On I'm you were happy with your friendship when she was a happy person with no problems and almost admirable, but now she is in the worst time of her life she no longer suits yours? My gosh am I glad I'm not your friend.
Honestly how many people do you know that has been raped, and have been able move on from it after two years? Not to sound too dramatic but speaking from personal experience. Her life as she knew it, and herself as she knew it died that day. And her new life and self was reborn into new found darkness. You yourself said it's ripped her life apart. It's YOUR job as her friend to try and help her find her old self.
If I were you I'd use to word friend loosely, whilst referring to yourself!

@TammyJones

just wondering if you saw the later post from the OP that this only happened 2 years ago, that he was a serial stranger rapist, that he went on the run and that the court case and conviction were only last year?

It’s just the the original post made it sound like this happened decades ago.

I do not mean to say that any of your own points in your post aren’t correct about looking after your own mental health but it is not “years” of supporting someone since a trauma, it is 1 year since the court case.

I’m not sure it’s ok to speak to op like this. She is suffering too which is why she was thinking of blocking. Please be kind.

I can’t get past how dreadful this post is. OP, you’re not a good friend, not a friend at all. You’re helping the rapist further control and impact her life. I really think you should tel other friends what you’re doing here, so they have full information to decide whether to continue their friendships with you. Shameful.

Kindness doesn't extend to people with secondary trauma, don't you know....
It's very obvious OP is onfuaed about her own emotional state and quite frankly, most would be in real life.

Yes I know it was only 2 years ago.
No time at all - I have some experience.
All my points still stand.
But mostly the friend need ti stop drinking- nothing will improve while she continues.