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Original poster

Content Warning - mentions rape: Had enough of my friend who experienced something awful

391 replies

WaitingforSummer77 · 01/07/2023 03:36

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18....we are now early 40s. I'm thinking of ending our friendship. I think the best thing to do for my own sanity is to just cut her off.

I met her through a big group of mutual friends in our late teenage years. We were always out drinking, partying, going to festivals and raves etc (late 90s/early 00s). Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with. But I did get on particularly well with her and over the years as people grew up and moved on, we developed a deeper friendship and we stayed in touch and became closer.

In our early 20s my friend decided that she needed a massive change and to do something with her life. She moved 130 miles to London, got herself into a good university, lived in Central London, and gained qualifications which gave her entry to a well respected profession. I was so pleased and happy for her. I always knew she had it in her to make something of herself. I loved visiting her in London.

She didn't stay in London very long. She found it lonely and depressing and she didn't have enough money, so she came home.

I was briefly in awe of her. She had been away, lived in London, got a degree and had come back to our city with a really good career. I must admit, I know people find it boring, but I was also happy. I had worked in the same company for quite a few years. My job wasn't that exciting or well paid, but I have never yearned for career status.

We really enjoyed spending time together, until one night we went out together, we both had too much to drink, we lost each other, and my friend ended up getting raped by a stranger.

The aftermath was awful. The police were immediately involved. The person who did it to her was found and eventually convicted. I had to give a statement. It felt like my friend was being investigated everything that she went through.

Her mental health deteriorated, she lost her job and career, she started getting detained by the police under the mental health act....but they always let her go again..

She seems completely crazy now but I cannot cope with her anymore. She is constantly drinking and drunk, putting herself into extremely difficult situations, is completely obsessed with talking about the trauma, she is a mess.

I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow afternoon. We are supposed to text in the morning to arrange a time and place. I don't want to see her.

I have already blocked her phone number and I have no intention of contacting her again. I can't cope with her anymore. Is this okay?

OP posts:
Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 01/07/2023 08:16

Don’t just disappear on her, send her a message cancelling your meeting and then explain some how that you can’t see her. It’s very unkind to just block her and disappear.

TimesRwo · 01/07/2023 08:18

So she was a great friend whilst she was fun, but when something horrific happened to her just two years ago, you want to throw away 22 years of friendship in a cowardly way because she’s not fun anymore.

Wow.

ReachForTheMars · 01/07/2023 08:18

Blocking her and it turning up is a twat move.

Step back if you need to. Tell her or be available less. Whatever.

But blocking her and ghosting her is the cuntiest possible way to treat her.

Lostoldusername · 01/07/2023 08:19

I think k it's despicable to block her. If she's having a bad time now, imagine how much worse you are going to make that for her!
I understand she's draining you, that must be tough, but please don't just block her and forget she exists, that's a really cruel thing to do.
She hasn't chosen for her life to go this way now, she's experiencing all of this (alcohol, bad behaviour etc) because she was raped! Not because she's a no hoper who has always been that way.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 01/07/2023 08:19

Wow. At first, I didn't think you were being completely unreasonable as I thought this had been going on 10+ years by the way yoy were talking. But your subsequent update reveals the rape was only 2 years ago and the whole investigation, court case etc 1 year ago. It is going to take way longer to get over!

What a friend you are.

If you want to take a step back, at least have the balls to say that you're finding her behaviour difficult and need to take a step back for your own mental health. Encourage her to seek therapy. Don't just ghost her.

KingofCats · 01/07/2023 08:20

I find all the history you give about her party girl history and then her career and move back home odd. You could have started with the rape and that she currently needs a level of support you can’t give. What is it about your shared history prior to the rape that is relevant about today? I mean that genuinely, is the way you are reacting to her something to do with your history? It’s ok if you don’t want to go out with her tomorrow. None of us are obliged to support anyone beyond what we can give. But be kind in how you tell her. She’s traumatised.

Conflictedcommunication · 01/07/2023 08:20

I thought you were going to say the rape happened many years ago. Only two? That's so fresh. What is wrong with people today. Are you just a fairweather friend?

Honeyandwine · 01/07/2023 08:20

I think you're being heartless. 2 years us nothing. If it had been 10 then yes but 2 is still very raw for her and she is clearly still in the midst of the trauma.

georgarina · 01/07/2023 08:22

I was raped in university and was extremely traumatised. My two best friends (we were a group of three) also decided to do a runner on me and ghosted me.

I can't explain what a disgusting thing that is to do to someone in pain.

Have a conversation with her. Be honest that you don't have the capacity to emotionally support her, and this is YOUR limitation, not hers. I can't believe you would even consider blocking her the day before you're due to meet.

Usernamen · 01/07/2023 08:22

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 08:00

The troll hunting really annoys me - just because one person doesn't believe it - doesn't make it untrue

Cases vary in court times across the country and depending on the offence .

I've had serious cases get to
Court within a year . Bugger off troll hunting .

The fact the op is behaving like a massive bell end doesn't mean she can't be real . She might just be a massive bell end .

Oh come on….

The rape was 2 years ago because if the OP had said 3 years ago or 4 years ago we would know she wouldn’t have been on a night out because of lockdown. A carefully chosen time frame.

But that not carefully because anyone who knows anything about this knows that the CPS is on its knees. But sure, everything done and dusted within a year for OP’s friend.

It’s all too convenient.

supersop60 · 01/07/2023 08:23

oatmilk4breakfast · 01/07/2023 06:20

You sound less emotionally complex than your friend. Only you can decide if you can continue to be in her life. It’s ok to recognise your own needs in any relationship and try and get them met but in the context of doing the right thing and maintaining the relationship sometimes that will mean not necessarily asking more of the other person than they can give. Your friend can’t give you back the relationship you had before. She’s ready to ‘move on’. She’s in pain. If you can find other ways to meet your needs and continue to be there for her that’s the route I would take but only you can decide for you.

I can make you aware that on the face of what you’ve said you sound like you’re wanting to shun someone whose ‘trouble’ and ‘troubled’ behaviour makes you deeply uncomfortable. maybe you need to address what that is.

(Because to drop a friend because she’s being too slow to get over being raped and acting out trauma in ways you don’t approve of…well, let’s just say that wouldn’t endear you to me as a future friend. And will you actually be able to live happily with your decision beyond this moment of feeling desperate?)

I’ll say the things that jump out for me - all that stuff about her moving to london (thinking she’s better than you?) then you being in awe of her (because she’d travelled and done things you didn’t want to do?) now is there a tiny part of you that thinks ‘see, she’s not better than me. This is what happens when you try and be something your’re not. When you think you’re better and try and do something different? When you don’t live a quiet life?’

Is that part of what scares you?

Your post with all its irrelevant details about your friend’s life reads as if you want us to agree that ‘oh yes, this woman who thought she was better than everyone here is still acting crazy…we (the people who never left and went to London) would never do that…why can’t she just live a quiet life…? Why didn’t she?’

these are just possibilities- only you can pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling and where it comes from.

Does she have any reason for feeling anger towards you that ‘you lost each other’ that night? Do you wonder about that? Did you ever talk about it? Could guilt (misplaced) be part of this? As in, survivors guilt that it happened to your friend and not you? (Again this may be rubbish but it jumps out of what you wrote as possible). Did you support her that first year out of guilt or love? Or is your worldview such that there’s a part of you that actually feels validated that it was she who was attacked and not you…? That’s a dark ugly thought so I’m not suggesting it lightly I’m just actually amazed by the detail in your post leading up to your actual question- as if you were choosing the details of your friends life tbat in your view would naturally lead us to agree with you…’she went to London, she was successful, I was in awe…’ the set up is there so that when you say ‘but now look…’ it’s as if you think we’ll find it natural that we’ll agree she…what? Brought it on herself? Should be over it by now if she’s so smart and successful? can you allow your mind a sliver of light onto the dark thought that ‘well, if she wasn’t the way she was, if she had just stayed home like me…if she had been more like me after all…’

Is that what your fear sometimes tells you?

because something about continuing to associate with your former friend seems to be scaring you. You talk about sanity but what is making you go insane to be around your friend who is acting out such pain? Is it fear? of what? What are the feelings in your body? Does it remind you of all the terrible things that might happen if you don’t live a quiet life?

Are you losing your safe stable sense of self in trying to be there for her and watching her look over the edge into anger and despair? It’s ok to recognise your needs in a friendship and then try to meet them. But you should try and express them and then review them in light of what the friendship means / has meant to you.

good luck whatever you decide. And I hope if you block her that your former friend is ok.

I think the OP talked about her friend's achievements as a way of highlighting the extreme change in her behaviour.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/07/2023 08:24

What if it was you who’d been raped? How would you feel if your friends were telling you to get over it, moaning because you weren’t any fun anymore? You’re her friend. You shouldn’t discard her like this when she needs you. Help her find support. Be there for her. Two years is very early days. You’re cruel not to understand the trauma of rape.

LakieLady · 01/07/2023 08:24

I find your attitude shocking and heartless, OP.

My friend was raped by a stranger. Her attacker was arrested very quickly after the event, but even 40 years ago, it still took a couple of years to get to court. The trial was horrific, and really set back her recovery.

But she never did recover. She developed MH issues, became an alcoholic, was retired early from her (pretty senior) job and died 20 years after the event.

I supported her all through those years. It was hard, it was draining, it was sometimes traumatic, but I never would have dreamed of cutting contact with her. Sometimes I offloaded to other friends, who didn't know her, and her brother and I supported each other in supporting her, but I never would have cut her adrift. She was my friend, for fuck's sake.

And I still miss her, and hate the beast that did that to her.

trg · 01/07/2023 08:25

@Brightbear I somehow got an impression that it was always op that was supporting her friend and didn't feel supported herself - as if it was always about her friend.

I can see the friend has had a traumatic experience, but it seems like op had taken on a lot of responsibility and she could no longer cope with the pressure.

MichelleToader · 01/07/2023 08:25

You call yourself her friend? You have no idea what a real friend is!
Put yourself in her shoes - if you feel like you had enough and you can't cope - how do you think SHE feels?!?
Have you ever heard of "A friend in need is a friend indeed"? Don't call yourself her friend just because you know her for more than 20 years and you used to party / drink together. You are not reliable and trustworthy, I wouldn't want to have a "friend" like you.
You mentioned she has a lot of support from "a nurse, council, union (she is also loosing her job) etc. - well, all this people are strangers for he and even though they are helping with different things, most likely she will not connect with them emotionally the way she would connect with a friend that she knows for 20 years.
No point explaining you how a real friend would behave - you wouldn't get it anyway. I am so sorry for her, I hope she does have some real friends in her life who would support her and help find the right way to go through. Situations like this can easily destroy someone's life - they can end up alcoholics, homeless and things can easily go from bad to worse. If you can live with yourself knowing that she can potentially destroy her life... that tells a lot about you - you might as well leave her. But do have the decency to tell her in her face.

Tidlywinks · 01/07/2023 08:25

Sorry but your behaviour is quite cruel. At least message her to let her know you can’t meet. Blocking her when you’re due to meet with no excuse is actually brutal , especially since her mental health is dubious.

Your update that this only happened two years ago is really relevant, your OP makes it sound like this her awful experience happened years ago.

To me it sounds like she has had a horrific experience (fairly recently) and she’s not coping. If she was a really good friend you might take a step back for your own sanity, not dump a long standing friendship by blocking her the day you’re going to meet.

Kteeb1 · 01/07/2023 08:25

Please don't ghost her. If you want to see the psychological effects on ghosting search for it here. It's horrendous for people who are mentally well, for your friend the effects could be devastating. This is amazingly early days for her, 2 years is not long at all. You aren't required to be her support, but you are required to be a good friend. Explaing calmly what the problem is and setting boundaries etc (someone said it brilliantly previously) is what a decent friend and a decent human being would do. Ghosting will add significantly to her emotional trauma. Don't do that.

LookAtThisMess · 01/07/2023 08:26

You aren’t a true friend. She deserves better.

Lougle · 01/07/2023 08:26

He may have been arrested and convicted within a year, but the trauma will live with her forever. You were happy to be with her while things were fun, but now she's struggling, you're dropping her.

From your description of the events on that night, you should feel very lucky that it wasn't you who was raped and is falling apart, while your friend is posting on Mumsnet to say that she was just going to block you.

Etoile41 · 01/07/2023 08:26

You sound delightful. Not.
I can understand that you find her draining and you may need to loosen the contact and maybe even move on from the friendship for your own mental health but to do it by just blocking her is incredibly cruel. You will only increase her emotional trauma

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 01/07/2023 08:27

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 01/07/2023 08:09

The way you are going about this will cause further injury. Letting her know that you are withdrawing will likely be devastating for herbut at least you will have done the right thing - and it may prove to be a wake up call for her. Or not. That isn’t your responsibility, but you do owe it to her to treat her with kindness. Sending you best wishes and courage.

Show quote history

Looking at my post again I hate that I wrote “wake up call” about a rape victim. Not on. Apologies to anyone I may have triggered.

LuciferRising · 01/07/2023 08:27

Most of the friendships were fairly superficial, we all just wanted friends to party with.

I think you maintained this for 20 odd years and now the good times have been taken away you want out, regardless of the cost to others.

Mummumgem · 01/07/2023 08:27

Please please don’t abandon her, my daughter has gone through something very similar, she didn’t have the previous history but the trauma and her mental recovery is the same. Her friends couldn’t cope all but 2 left her, she tried to end it all and thank god was found. She’s still in a bad place and needs those last 2 friends more than they probably know.

please stay with her, I know it’s hard, I know you now feel she should move on, and she will, but not until she’s ready. Until then she needs you.

i can’t beg you more than that, as a mother with a daughter - please please

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 01/07/2023 08:28

KingofCats · 01/07/2023 08:20

I find all the history you give about her party girl history and then her career and move back home odd. You could have started with the rape and that she currently needs a level of support you can’t give. What is it about your shared history prior to the rape that is relevant about today? I mean that genuinely, is the way you are reacting to her something to do with your history? It’s ok if you don’t want to go out with her tomorrow. None of us are obliged to support anyone beyond what we can give. But be kind in how you tell her. She’s traumatised.

I agree I found this odd too. Were you jealous of her or something? Do you feel guilty about what happened? Also what is so upsetting? Is it seeing her in a terrible state? Is it how she's treating you? Is it the process of court etc? They are all different things. Of course you would be completely heartless just to dump and block her. If you feel so sad about this (you actually probably have your own trauma too and probably should also be seeking counselling), imagine how she feels. I'm very resilient and witnessesed sometimes traumatic (no where near this), and it took me about 4 years too 'get over it'. You really need to get some empathy, not saying you need to bear all the burden, but be a friend. Help your friend. This is a truly horrific situation for her and actually all of her friends and family. She's effectively lost her life, help her to recover as best she can. If you truly can't cope, then let her down gently. There is only so much a person can take and she's probably almost there

Naunet · 01/07/2023 08:28

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 03:40

Yes of course it is.

She is an emotional vampire and whilst what happened to her is awful, she is responsible for her downward spiral, not you.

Losing you may give her a kick up the backside to get her life back on track.

She is not your responsibility.

I won’t say what you are because it’ll get me band, but it seems you’re cut from the same emotionally stunted cloth as OP.

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