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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 08/07/2010 16:27

So for you. I too think you should ring your MIL, even just to get her to help with some practical aspects.

saintmom · 08/07/2010 16:28

can you get your neighbour to look after dds and go to his work??

ShirleyKnot · 08/07/2010 16:29

Not all men Solo.

I just do not know what to say to you fairy.

Oh wait, I've got one thing to say, please don't feel embarrassed about all this; this is his shame, not yours. Not yours at all.

weblette · 08/07/2010 16:29

What a spineless tosser. Sorry you have to deal with this fg, good that you have some company.

Get angry and use that anger - what right has he to treat you and your children like this?

Quality · 08/07/2010 16:30

Oh FG, I am so sorry, what a cock

fruitstick · 08/07/2010 16:31

Blimey. So sorry, you must be in absolute shock.

I would certainly tell your MIL what has happened and get her to help with the children so you can have some time to think.

saintmom · 08/07/2010 16:32

if i had a problem and couldnt get hold of dh on his mobile i would phone his works,
no problem

isnt that why we have their contact numbers?

OrmRenewed · 08/07/2010 16:32

'fed up with living with you'? WTF does that mean?

So sorry.

countingto10 · 08/07/2010 16:33

Don't suppose he has told you or his friend where he is staying ?

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 16:33

So where will he be staying until the weekend?

Glad you're not alone. The DDs will be fine with jaffa cakes and crisps.

God, what twatish behaviour.

Why, if you are having an affair in his mind, does he not want to come and challenge you on this?

If it was the other way around, would you leave? Just like that? Of course not because of the girls but still......odd.

Why has he not taken any clothes/toothbrush/phone charger etc.

This seems so random. Like he woke up this morning and just lost the plot?

Do you think he is projecting his guilt onto you? Do you think there is another woman involved?

twolittlemonkeys · 08/07/2010 16:34

what a spineless coward. Am and for you. I would tell your MIL if I were in your shoes.

stripeywoollenhat · 08/07/2010 16:35

i am actually gobsmacked by the cowardice of this! it's like something a fourteen year old would do, giving his friend a note to break it off... well rid springs to mind. first move you need to make is practical i think, secure whatever funds you can. i wouldn't bother being in at the weekend if i were you. maybe you could give his friend a note....

i'm really very sorry that this has happened to you.

ShinyAndNew · 08/07/2010 16:35

Oh yes definitely tell MIL. Boys never grow out of being afraid of their mums.

Prosecco · 08/07/2010 16:36

Feel terrible for you fairygodmother, but you have a little information, if not answers, although I agree- do be prepared for other stuff to come out- is there any possibility he could be having an affair?

Glad you have someone with you now.

Not seeing him until the weekend also gives you time to sort out what you are going to say to him.

And I would also give his weasel friend a piece of my mind- but thats just me- maybe you want to keep him on side.

I am so sorry you are going through this- keep posting and I'm sure there will always be someone to listen.

jooseyfruit · 08/07/2010 16:39

Jeez. Utterly cowardly.

So sorry you are being put through this.

Glad you've got someone with you. Agree with getting in touch with MIL.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 16:40

PIL's live a couple of hours away (my family about the same) and work p/t so couldn't help without taking time off and I feel guilty about that and yes, embarrassed about being in this situation at all, I don't even know if he has really left me, or gone off with someone else, or had a breakdown so don't know how to explain it to someone else. He's usually quite 'now or never' about everything so can imagine he's been thinking about this a while and then decided yesterday/today what he's doing. Friend thought he was staying in a hotel tonight/whenever but either couldn't or wouldn't tell me much. No idea if there's another woman, getting very paranoid now and almost convinced there is but nothing to go on.

Going to have to phone his work I suppose, just want to wake up from this!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 16:40

Actually now yuo know what passes for his story I'd be tempted to cut him out - don't contact him at all and if he turns up at the weekend ask "oh what do you want?"
but that's just me being petty I think.
He does need to stick to his story though - are you having an affair or fed up with living with you? They are very different things, sounds like he needs to make his mind up. If he has one to make up that is.

StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 16:41

oh and change the locks
I'd be suggesting this in seriousness if you didn't have DDs.
WTF does he think you're going to tell them? The selfish bastard.

HouseofCrazy · 08/07/2010 16:42

THe thing is, he told his friend to tell you he would be back at the weekend. So he must have thought you would talk to the friend. What if you hadnt? Odder and odder!

Anniebee65 · 08/07/2010 16:42

This is beyond fishy. First he gets his mate to drop of a note full of baseless accusations (what is he? 14?), then through his mate he tells you he's fed up of living with you. FFS What does that mean? What about his dc? Is he fed up of living with them too?

Then he deigns to offer you some time to discuss things at the weekend. WTF? Meanwhile you have to cope all alone?

Arsehole.

saintmom · 08/07/2010 16:42

why is it that men can think they can treat us women like this?

the more and more i look at mumsnet relationships i think i cant be shocked anymore and yet again i have.

the funny thing about it is men say women are hard to understand i think its the otherway round, we are simple to understand, maybe thats the problem they require a brain cell

solo · 08/07/2010 16:43

I know Shirley, just all the ones I've met and a few on MN over the years and...

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 16:44

SPB - that is true. According to his 'friend' he's changed why he has left........

StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 16:45

change the locks. pass your solicitor's card on to him through his friend

cloudylemonade · 08/07/2010 16:46

sounds v random, i agree with mouse. Am so sorry for you and your girls.
i am baffled at the callousness of your H and agree with others. His reasoning stinks. Agree with a possible other person who's wound him up and made him act like this. Still, such a coward. Dropping a letter.

You'd never guess the guy is a married father of two. He should grow a pair and face the music.

Please do not feel embarassed. You are not to blame for his actions.

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