In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

FMG3, just been reading your tale. You are amazing to be dealing with this - at all - hang on in there.

Some great advice from obviously caring people (Mouseface - top job).

Not much else I can add, but sooner or later, it will hit this useless waste of skin like a frying pan in the face, that he's pissed everything good he had up against the wall. Big Yellow Taxi!

I really am impressed how you are dealing with things & keeping your head, I wish you & your DD's all the best & hope things settle down for you soon.

I'm a bloke, we don't do hugs, but if we did...

Drloves is right -- the sequence really is that pathetically predictable. I think they all read the same instruction booklet.

Keep it simple for the next bit and recoup your energy vitamins is a fab suggestion and try to get some decent sleep. A little walk or other outing in the fresh air every day will keep you from going nuts staring at the walls too, and will boost your spirits.

xxx

fairy, it's wonder you're feeling run down, sweetheart. I would certainly recomend a multi-vitamin. When is your nest doctors appointment?

Try and relax over the weekend - are you seeing your parents again? Is he going to see the girls at all?

I would say that if you can, the girls ought to be in school next week. Will give you a chance to have some time by yourself, and they will get back into routine a little. Plus they'll like the end of term stuff. Make arrangements with some of their friends' parents about the summer holidays.

Have you confirmed plans with H about the chidcare plans for the summer?

Keep taking big deep breaths. It will all get easier and you will keep getting stronger. At the begning of this you thought it couldn't get worse. It did, it may get worse still.

You can cope with anything he throws at you if you stay calm and think of your girls.

Take care xxx

Of course you feel rough and poorly, you've had the emotional equivalent of being hit by a truck. Try and eat healthy foods little and often, smoothies, fruit, veg soup and stuff. And rest, rest, rest. Your body is catching up with all the trauma. Take care, and be reassured that you have done the right thing. Good times are ahead for you and the girls, so cling to that.

ThatBloke

What a refreshing change that a man, shh, yes a real man, posts on a thread like this one and is completely genuine in what he says.

Fab post too, liking the taxi and waste of skin lines!

A personal fav of mine is........'you do realise that you're depriving thousands of their oxygen simply by breathing? Now stop.'

Maybe Fairy can use it when H starts protesting his innocence again.

Oh, and hugs are very un-MN anyway! Or so I'm told.

Hi Fairy,

I started reading your thread three days ago and I've now actually got to the end! A couple of things have occured to me. Firstly can you open a new bank account and get your salary paid into there? My bank offered to do all that for me when I opened the account. Secondly as someone has already said, feeling like shite could be partly down to not eating. How about drinking milk? And eating bananas? After all fruit is not really food and bananas slip down with now trouble at all. Or throw the milk and bananas in the blender and whizz it up with some sugar to make banana milkshake.

I've got nothing else to add (there are some exceptionally sensible and wise people on here) except that one day your h will realise what a twat he's been and what he's lost.

Good luck with it all x

Thanks again everyone, can't believe how hard it's hit me, coming up to 2 weeks and it feels like it happened yesterday, and I'D like to be the one hitting him in the face with a frying pan. Am still feeling very run down, have gone from not being able to sleep to not being able to stop sleeping now, couple of hours awake and I'm back to bed for a nap.

Went to gp's first thing, thinks it's probably a virus after such a shock to the system, he's referred me to counselling and signed me off for another week, feel such a wimp in some ways but there's no way I can work like this. DDs went back to school Friday and don't finish till Weds so luckily I've got a couple of days to keep sorting everything out.

H is being such a 'polite shit' - we've agreed that he takes the girls out all day Sats and sees them a couple of evenings a week and hasn't even asked for more than that . They're finding it hard but still want to see him. I did take most of the savings, one of quite a few things we've had a row about (by phone), he's still 'being reasonable' and painting himself as the nice one who's moved out to try and save our marriage while I'm the grabbing one who's taken all the money and obviously wants a divorce. I keep reminding myself none of this was anything to do with me and he was the one who started it all, as well as the only one who's slept around, but he twists everything I say and has obviously made himself out to his friends as the hard done by one. Can't believe I thought he was so loving and happy in our relationship before .

Sorry, going to end abruptly and come back later, have only done the school run and had a cup of tea at the pc and that's enough to tire me out again. Keep taking multi-vits though so hopefully they'll help. Thanks again for all the messages, good to get a man's POV, love the phrase 'waste of skin', will write it on his forehead.

Try not to talk to him apart from the arrangements about the girls. Do not get drawn into arguments, its a waste of time and energy. Just try to eat, sleep and drink. Give yourself the odd little treat.

Hope you feel physically better soon.

fairygodmotherto3

I haven't posted on here before, but have been following.

Don't believe what he is saying, as he has to make you the 'guilty' person otherwise everyone will see him as the person he is and he doesn't want that. He needs everyone to feel sorry for him so he can justify his behaviour.

Do not be made to feel guilty about taking the savings you need to know you have money for your DDs until your on your feet. I mean after how he behaved how can you trust him to do the right thing.

Listen to your body eat/drink when you need to, sleep when you need to. And please take help from friends and family.

I'm sure someone will come by with better help/advice soon.

fairy*

Hello.

I'm glad to hear that the GP has signed you off for a further week. You need time to just 'be'.

Nice to see that your sense of humour is returning too thanks to ThatBloke.

Counselling will help. To what degree depends on how you feel about it. It can take weeks, months or years to deal with all of your emotions and the hurt that you feel.

Quiet often it will unlock suppressed feelings about things that you never knew bothered you. I found it helped to clear out the cobwebs that thad accumulated over the years with my X!

One day though, I promise that you will look back and realise that you are a strong, independent woman. With two beautiful daughters who love and respect you for being the one who was there. The whole time. You are their constant.

H is following the pattern I expected him too. The 'woe is me' route. As I said, you are the unreasonable one, he is doing you a favour by giving you time following your alleged affair.

Pha.

He knows that it rattles you. You can't prove that nothing has ever happened, that you haven't had an affair. That's what he wants and is banking on. He is pathetic.

Keep to the arranged visits but don't get drawn into his world of fabrication. In his head, he is innocent. In his mind, you have caused this. In his world, he is the innocent party.

There is still more to come. He will stick to his story a while longer yet.

Small steps. A day at a time. Look at how far you have come in 2 weeks. Yes, it's all so raw still. And now you will swing from complete hatred of H, to loving him so much you could burst. You will drive yourself potty.

The man you love has gone. He left 4 years ago. He chose to have an affair. For 2 years, if we are to believe his story.

The very fact that you have taken the control away from him is what angers him now. No longer are you little wifey at home, caring for his children, cleaning and cooking etc, whilst he swans off doing goodness knows what. Well, we do know, don't we.

Do you think he has sleepless nights? Do you think he is run down? Do you think he can't eat? Do you think he wakes and sobs in the small, dark hours of the night?

No, neither do I.

So, carry on Fairy. You are doing amazingly well. You can do this. You must. For yourself and the girls.

xx

That's right Fairy:- You want a divorce, because he has had/is having an affair.
That's all that matters.
In the meantime, as others have said, don't argue with him apart from to say:-"yes, I want a divorce because you have had/are having an affair."

Nothing to add except that I'm still thinking of you and glad that you're hanging in there.

What a shit. What a total, utter shit.

All I can say is read and re-read the advice here, especially Mouseface's last post. Read it over and over again, especially in the dark hours when you find yourself starting to believe his pathetic digs and insults.

And always, always, always remember - he left you, you didn't kick him out. If any of his cronies ever mention it in future, repeat it over and over. He is the unreasonable one, he is the one who chose to leave not only his wife but his children too.

Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly.

Fairy, you have done so well. You really will be proud of yourself in time to come.

Mouseface, you too have been blunderful, in your advice (bloody wonderful)

Fairy, where is your H living or staying at the moment? Have you said? (have quickly been through whole thread again but may have missed it if you have already said.)

The fact remains, he cannot come back.

It doesn't matter a fig what he tells his friends. He could tell the Queen, Obama and the Pope that he is St Francis of bloody Assisi frankly: it would still be poppycock. he sounds like a laughing stock. And he will be eventually.

The facts speak for themselves.

His 'friends' are supporting him out of prurient sniggering interest. Because any genuinely decent, grown-up, adult friends would be shocked to the core, telling him he has been an adulterous shit and dropping him like a hot brick. Doesn't sound like he has many of the latter. Sad git.

And if any of his crap gullible friends are mutual, then drop 'em. They are no friends of yours anymore. Rely on those who support, know and love you. You only.

Its good that you are taking short naps - they are vital and help re-build your immune system. Eventually your body gets back to normal and your brain re-builds the shot neurons (sounds a bit weird but I have read up about lots of this stuff in the last 2 years)

Take as much time off work as you need to. What do you do and do your employers have a good long-term sick package they can offer you? Don't be ashamed to use it.

Eventually you are going to be glad he left.
Let him keep as much contact with the girls as you think reasonable and practical (as you are doing) as these times are going to be your freedom breaks in time.

He is telling big fat lies about giving the marriage 'time.' He has called time on the marriage. Himself. All by his diddums self. I wonder if he has thought through the fact that his socialising and fuck-buddy weekends are going to be very finely regulated in future because he has his young daughters to look after five nights a fortnight via a court order - demanded by yourself.

After all, as plenty here have said, he has proved himself to be utterly irresponsible, untrustworthy, deceitful and in fact dangerous to your physical well-being (did he practise safe sex with his fuck buddy and was his fuck buddy someone else's fuck buddy as well? She could have been riddled with chlamydia and he could have passed it onto you. Which could affect your ability to have more babies with a lovely man in the future.)

So a court order for access times is in order here.

Kick him into touch now. Use the best weapon of all when you speak to him on the phone. Laugh at him. Even if it is through gritted teeth. just laugh at him with an air of disbelief and gay surprise. And have some music on in the background. Good old radio two. Answer the phone to him in a way he will loathe..laugh politely and ask if he could call later or tomorrow as you are busy.

Bastard.

Urgh.

I heart you UA

You are spot on, as always. Nice to see you back here.

FG, I haven't posted on your thread previously because, for once, I do not know what to say! However, what I will say is this: I hope I am never in your situation, but, if it does ever happen to me, I only hope I can handle it with as much dignity and strength as you are doing.

Sorry I can't be any more help to you, but I really do think you are doing an amazing job.

Can't believe it has been two weeks, I check this post every couple of days....big heart to you

Fairy - just to say you're amazing and doing so well. Mouseface - fantastic advice and spot on. Now you've taken control he'll try and up the anti - well tough. Wait for the "Emperor's New Clothes" to kick in - everyone will try and believe what he tells them, but can actually see the selfish inconsiderate waster for what he is. And he knows this - and it's gonna hurt like hell. He will, I am convinced, try to crawl back whilst continuing to shift the blame onto you. Sod him. He doesn't deserve you. Look after yourself - you're doing brilliantly.

fairy, it's no surprise that you would fall ill after dealing with such a massive shock and upheaval. Mouseface and UA have given great advice as have so many others. You will get through this and look back and be amazed at the strong, wonderful woman that you are.

lurking and sending good energy your way.

been lurking on here too...

just one observation from my own split with XH

our exe's know us very well and they would not stop attacking as long as they see it bothers us

I know is hard - but soon you are going to learn to show no emotions when he attacks

and then he will stop wasting his energy

I just hope you are going to recover soon.

Another one sending love and support. You are an amazing woman, and he is a nasty piece of work.

i agree 100% with Kayah..... they only attack you if they know it bothers you.....

FG- I am new here and a bloke.

I have read all of your posts and am gob smacked at your H's behaviour. . The girls on here have been doing a smashing job.

If it helps, your H is one very bad apple in a very big barrel and you have been immensely unlucky. We are not all like that. He is an embarrassment to the male of the species.

It will take time, but you will heal and move on. Hopefully that will be with some new kind caring, loving, considerate and respectful chap who will, on holiday, rub sun tan lotion affectionately onto your back, while you watch your 'grills' play in the pool.

It will be then that you can just laugh at what Mr Twatty McTwatt from Twattingham in Twatshire in Twatland is missing.

Take Care,

Betty

Ok, you pass.

Fairy

I just wanted to post to see how you are with another weekend visit pending from XH (note I have started calling him 'X'H) to see the ('grills' Betty) girls.

I hope that as the hours and days pass, you grow stronger still.

If you need to, over the weekend, post. Have a rant!! Get it all out. Or, just chat. I get the feeling that lots of MNers are 'watching' this thread just to 'see' how you are all doing.

I hope that your absence means that you are finding new ways for you and the girls to fill your time and cope with your emotions but never forget that this support network is always here for you.