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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock, just another one

636 replies

fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 14:38

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 08/07/2010 17:10

Definitely phone his family before he gets in there with this affairs bullshit. It sounds to me like he has done you a favour. He's not man, he is a small child playing grown ups.

saintmom · 08/07/2010 17:10

agree with above

saintmom · 08/07/2010 17:11

i meant in my heads post

sorry shiny and new wasnt there before

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/07/2010 17:11

Another one here who thinks that he is having an affair. No personal experience of this particular brand of moral cowardice, but have heard of a reverse accusation like this more than once.

To rule this out or in, OP, have you noticed any of the "usual" affair behaviours - i.e. glued to password protected phone, phone switched off at home or on silent, extra laptop activity, distancing from him, behaviour that is then turned onto you as being your fault? Any mentionitis about a new friend or colleague that may have stopped recently? Any recent absences that have been explained away by visits to friends/working late?

This "friend" of his is not a friend of your marriage, or he would have had no truck with colluding in such shitty behaviour. If a friend asked me to do this for her, I'd say no.

I'd really advise you to get someone in RL to help you with some practical stuff at the moment, as you are in shock. One of the many practical things should be clearing bank accounts of money, in case you need some emergency cash over the next few days.

solo · 08/07/2010 17:11

SPB and Mouseface, it was 20 years ago, so may be different now, but it's worth considering as locks aren't cheap to replace.

gagamama · 08/07/2010 17:13

I'm so sorry, but if he genuinely thought you were having an affair he would be the one upset. He wouldn't be coldly waltzing off to some hotel somewhere and keeping you at arms' length until the weekend. I know he says there isn't an OW but please be prepared for many things he is saying right now to be proved totally untrue in the coming days and weeks.

jesuswhatnext · 08/07/2010 17:14

get to the bank and remove ALL money - you may need it - freeze any credit cards in joint names, just say they have been stolen, that will buy you some time.

phone his parents - they may well come up trumps for you, if not, you have lost nothing, they were not worth bothering with.

as to dh, i would pack him a bag (of dirty clothes) and suggest you meet in a park or somewhere similar, he has chosen to leave the family home, its time he found out what that entails!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/07/2010 17:15

Cross posted, before you updated, but now you have, yes I'd bet good money on an affair and someone else jerking his chain. No empathy for you, just coldness. You don't have to do anything he asks, just follow your instincts. Phone his parents if you want to. He lost the right to make requests like this when he left the house this morning.

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 08/07/2010 17:15

You poor thing. What a total knobber. What kind of man doesn't give his wife a chance to talk to him over something like this? I would suspect OW tbh. You MUST ring PILs now before he does and put you side of things.

FessaEst · 08/07/2010 17:18

Just want to add a voice to the ppers who have said this is not your fault, you are not to blame and it is not for you to be ashamed of! Tell whoever you need to tell for support. Thinking of you.

Original poster
fairygodmotherto3 · 08/07/2010 17:20

Thanks, think the practical advice is keeping me sane. Doubt he'll phone them until after 8-ish, if I know him which I doubt I do now. Got through to a friend of mine, she's going to come after work so will try and do calls and sort stuff then, can't focus at the moment - don't want to collapse into sobbing with PIL's. Just feels like one thing to do after another, keep going from angry to wanting to sit in a cupboard.

Need to do something - going to have a shower at least, so neighbour can stop ordering me to 'go upstairs'.

OP posts:
elmofan · 08/07/2010 17:21

I'm so sorry fairy . So on your behalf .

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 17:22

FG - this is damage limitation on his part.

As others have said, he will drip feed you bits of the truth as and when he can be arsed and the more he distances himself from you and the girls, the more he'll tell you.

Simply because it won't matter anymore.

He is a coward, yes. But he clearly needed a reason in his own mind to leave and that would be why he is claiming you have had/are having an affair/s.

I have no doubt that he has not moved on already.

Men do not leave unless they have someone to leave for in my experience.

I'm so sorry for you and your girls.

Now you have to be practical. And talk to his parents and yours before he does.

Don't let him dictate to you.

You need to take control. Please enlist some RL help here, does your neighbour know everything he has said/done?

Make a list of what the posters on here suggest you do money/house/solicitoe wise.

InmyheadIminParis · 08/07/2010 17:23

Please go to his work and meet him. You need to sort this out sooner, not later.

BrittanyBeers · 08/07/2010 17:23

His friend knows more than he is letting on.
I'd confront him re OW, face to face.(friend I mean.)

You poor thing.

Mouseface · 08/07/2010 17:24

Should be that he has moved on IYSWIM??

Sorry.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/07/2010 17:24

There's no point telling you to sleep, my love, well meant and kindly though the neighbour's advice might be. You won't sleep. You are in shock. A shower will help though.

Glad that your friend is coming - she can take over some of the practical stuff, like taking your cashcard and getting money out for you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/07/2010 17:25

Yeah, it might not be the done thing, but . I know how hard it must be for you to get your head around all that's happened, but please try and think through any decision before you do anything. He has you on the back foot, and you need to make sure that you don't allow anything to happen that you'll regret re the DC/house/money. As much as you might not feel like it, it might be worth contacting a solicitor tomorrow morning, just so you know that you have taken some control.

littlecritter · 08/07/2010 17:27

FG - keep reminding yourself: this is not my fault, I haven't caused this. You WILL get through this.

SupposedToBeWorking · 08/07/2010 17:36

If they're supportive, do call your own family too. I know they work, but this is a crisis.

SIL did something similar to my DB, he called our parents who dropped everything and drove 3 hours to spend the rest of the week and the weekend with him.

It gave the DCs someone familiar in the house while their dad was reeling. It also gave my DB an extended circle of wellwishers, made up of the people who'd stepped in to cover my parents at work!

And you have nothing to be ashamed of, fg.

Failsafe · 08/07/2010 17:38

O FGM .

Darling, this isn't your fault, how can some people be so bloody heartless.

I really would call your PIL and explain that your worried about him and that you don't know what to do, call them know before he has chance to try and put all the blame at your door.

Also practical side, you mentioned you have a joint bank account, go now and withdraw as much as your card allows so you and your dc have enought to get by on for the next few days/weeks. If he has had some kind of "breakdown" then you dont really know if his reasoning skills are still intact.

countingto10 · 08/07/2010 17:40

FGM, I was in such a state when my DH did this to me that I was on diazepam for a week. The shock of it all can be overwhelming, your DDs will get you up in the morning and get you through the day. If you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, call the Samaritans (I did and they were lovely).

Try and take some control of the situation, make a solicitor's appointment for some advice, give Relate a call so you can talk your feeling through with a professional. Personally and having been through something similar, I would pack all his stuff up (bin bags are goods [grin) and tell him to collect it tomorrow as it will be outside waiting from him - you owe him nothing as he has treated you (and your DDs) appallingly.

This weekend, go out and treat yourself to some new clothes etc, anything to make yourself feel better. Can you go out and make yourself unreachable to him, be elusive etc. Take control and call the shots.

Take care, it is truly horrible and take all the RL support you can get.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/07/2010 17:46

FG Have you got a phone bill of his lying around? If so, you can register him for online billing, because you'll have his account number to hand. It might take a couple of days to come through, but you will be able to see at a glance whether he has been texting/calling one number more than usual.

juicy12 · 08/07/2010 17:47

You poor woman, FG. I cannot understand how anyone could be so cruel and spineless. Nothing practical to add - you've had some really good advice here. I guess try not to do anything rash that could jepardise your position - eg changing locks if you're not supposed to. I know it'll be hard to keep a cool head - maybe your friend that's coming over can help you with some of the practical things. What a horrible, horrible thing to do to someone

cloudylemonade · 08/07/2010 18:07

agree with countingto10 here. alarm bells!
i'd be straigh on the phone to pils. how bloody dare he tell you what you can or can't do.