In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

Mouseface, the convo in the pub will be more along the lines of:

Tosspot: I left her cos she was shagging some bloke
Mate: errrr, right. So how do you reckon will get on in the league

Fairy - Have lurked virtually the whole way through the thread. You've achieved loads since that awful letter. Well done you!

FGM, you both know the truth, no matter what smoke he tries to blow in your eyes.

Good fences make good exes too.

FG you are doing fantastically well. Keep it up and do the best for you and your girls. It's you three that are important now, not him.

Fg I hopef you're having a couple of duvet days, they're all for the greater good. I can't stop thinking about this thread. The sheer abandonment and cruelty of it all.

And the assurity that you can probably work it out!!! ha!

He is not worthy of you, you incredible woman you. Not worthy of you or the beautiful children.

He is a ** (and considering I wouldn't star-out the c-word you need to assume that that's pretty bad)

Math - I like that line..... good fences....

(I didn't make it up, but I think it's apt)

Another lurker, read most of the thread...

That he is planting seeds to reunite with you, FG, just takes my breath away.

He apparently is investing quite a bit of his reality in the MYTH that he has created in who you really are. It just doesn't add up that the same person (he beliving this of you-the myth) to have an affair/destroy the family would just out of the blue turn around and want to diminish and down grade what happened to be something so superficial that reflexive off-the-cuff dismissiveness will solve it.

This is total projection. This is what HE has done, and is doing, and he wants to assign you the role of this player in this story. He is the bad guy in this, not you. Don't absorb any of it. You have an invisible shield of Teflon -all of that crap will slide right off of you and down to the sewer where it belongs.

My line for you to your jerk would be:
"I've had enough of your manipulative, duplicitous crap; time for you to move on and tell it to the next one."

I like BalloonSlayers ideas too.

Why would you take him back? That is simple: so he can do it to you again.

I know it is not a black and white world, and even in these circumstances there may be compelling reasons to consider a reunion. However, the betrayal is so deep and clear, that your relationship could never be what it may have been in the past.

That letter dropping through your mail slot may turn out to be a blessing to you and your dc-it has revealed who your husband really is and has given you a prime justification and motivation to be rid of him. Still can't get over the surprise and sudden revelation of it all. Again, cudos to you for responding (and in the moment) as any sane woman would: dump the bastard.

I hope you can move forward as though he does not exist. That is how he has been treating you. Do not listen to his scripted drama anymore: it is like the phone bill record of numbers-you don't need to know it, you don't need to hear it.

Your dc will be fine, or actually better off without an ever present demonstrator of lies and deceit nurturing them.

Take care, thinking of you.

How are you, fairy?

Funny that he thinks it's silly that he'd warn you about coming over. Is he not worried about running into your other man, then?

Gosh, it's almost like he made the whole fucking thing up, isn't it?

I will repeat what I said about changing the locks, so there's a clear sign it's over. I wouldn't care if he was still technically entitled to come into the house. it being half his. If he had done this to me, he could ruddy well make an appointment to get in for his things, etc, and not feel he could just turn up when he liked.

He is an immature man and not up to being a proper husband IMO.

Don't fall for it twice. You can do better than this.

Fairy - if necessary "lose" your keys and as H has the only spare set and he has moved out you had to call an emergency locksmith to change the locks. After all you are very shaken up at the moment and that's how accidents like losing keys happen.

And that letter is pure gold. Not only do you have a record of his lies (may come in handy with the solicitor) but every time you feel yourself weakening as he tries to worm his oily way back (has he run out of clean socks / realised he can only make beans on toast??) please re-read it and bellow 'feck off' at his sorry arse.

If fairy 'loses' her keys, she still has to provide H with a set of the new ones.

The house is in JOINT names and BOTH of them are entitled to be there.

fairy

How are you and the girls? Daft question but I have been thinking about you.

The best thing to do is to file for -exclusive- -residency- of the home, which will then allow you to change the locks. You need to speak to your solicitor if you want to change them, see where you stand.

Please don't just do it. You have enough to deal with without a XH demanding to be let into his own home.

Let's hope that he respects her wishes to gain prior permission before just showing up.

Another one here wondering how you are doing FG.

I have followed this thread from the start and I am still at it. I am so angry for you - and I dont know you or him. I just cannot get out of my head how cruel & self centred he has been and then to read he thinks this may just be temporary .

I just wish I could do something to help.

You're in my thoughts - and I hope you are as well as can be expected.

I am new to MumsNet. I found this site through unusual means. I just wanted to say I have just read this entire thread and FG you are wonderful and you are among such wonderful people here. Please keep strong. I ahve not been married but went through an awful break up last year and you are doing brilliant.

With love from MJ. xx

Hello FG i have just come across ur thread and it has just taken me about an hour to read it, and it sounds like you have been given alot of great advice from these guys

I don't really no what to add but i couldn't just go away without saying something.

You sound like a very strong woman and you can get through this, although he keeps saying that this is temporary if this was me i don't know if i could let him back in after the way he has treated you though this.

Firstly the cowardly way he sent the letter and the coldness and finding out about the cheating, i wouldn't let him bk in.

You and ur girls sound like you would be do so much better without this coward in your life's.

So sorry for not updating before now but been feeling really ill, not sure if flu or just the stress, dds are on 3rd day off school, just can't manage to do anything except feed us. Will do a proper reply asap. Thank you all so much for thinking of us x

fairy

Stress and the fact that you will be run down due to not eating, understandably.

Try and get your self a super multi-vitamin in this week's on-line shop.

Look forward to your update whenever you feel like it.

Sending you and the girls love and strength.

xx

fairy I'm a newbie and a lurker, but I've read through all 24 pages of this thread and good god, you need a hug. You may not feel like it right now, but you are keeping things together so well, and the advice here has been 100% spot on. Somehow you've managed to sort out finances, solicitors, school and work and GP all whilst trying to deal with your H's sporadic contact and his quite frankly BATSHIT CRAZY theories!

His letter to you was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting, full of lies and nasty accusations to make him feel less guilty for his own actions. His latest chat about the separation being temporary is complete nuts, too; if you really are (in his mind) a brazen hussy having an affair, why on earth would he want to come back to you? I hope that's come across right - what I mean is, his chat about this being temporary proves that IMHO he knows you've never had an affair, he's just trying to string you along so you keep "hoping" he'll come back.

You have your girls, nothing is more important than that. Stay civil to him as it will come across better should this come to the divorce courts. Allow yourself time to grieve and cry and get angry because nothing you feel right now is wrong. You need to deal with your emotions when they hit you, and allow yourself to rely on your friends and family to do so.

Just never, ever, ever let him make you feel like you've done something wrong. He is the one who couldn't keep his little man in his pants, he is the one who wrote the spiteful note (and got his dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks friend to deliver it), he is the one who left you out of the blue and knocked the wind from your sails. He'll learn in time, but don't let him drag you down.

Stay strong. xxx

Just another bunch of wishes for all the strength, support & good luck you need, fgm

FGM Just caught up with this thread, sorry I haven't been around for the past few pages! Just wanted to say that you are doing brilliantly. xxx

It could be the effects of adrenaline, when it starts to break down it makes you feel awful. But get some multivitamins, drink lots (water/tea), try to get some sleep and to eat. You are doing brilliantly!

Follow what you and your body needs. Also you and dcs emotional needs are bieng wonderfully catered for atm re: duvet days.
Do not feel guilty about that it's what you all need and will feel refreshed enough soon enough to face the world a bit at a time.

More good wishes here Don't worry about needing to update us, everyone will still be here when you need us so you save your energy for getting you and your girls through the day xxx

Fairy , have been reading the posts and im amazed at the strenght you have.
You really are doing brilliantly ,
The H is out of his tiny mind.
Its arsehole move number one to accuse the wife of affair whilst having one himself.
Its arsehole move number 2 to expect the wife to take him back after she has a "few weeks to calm down".
Be prepared for arsehole move number 3 , when he tells everyone you threw him out and he did nothing wrong.
Then arsehole move number 4 ,when he accuses you of driving him too have affair because your fridged/too much of a nag/bleeding him dry /youve bought the wrong tinfoil or whatever crap he spouts.
Stay strong fairy - i think you will find out loads more over the next few weeks.