In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

As huffy says, another stranger here. Sending my thoughts and good wishes to you and your girls.

Don't be impatient with yourself about crying, not eating, seeming in a daze. This is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a train. You're doing a fantastic job.

The second phone is a probability, but you never know, might be worth looking up some of the landline numbers you have, just to check. They may be businesses he wouldn't normally be calling as part of work or home responsibilities (betting, massages, escort agencies, car hire, restaurant reservations, many OWs or OMs instead of just one...) If you can get your hands on his computer, or get the home computer looked over (if you think he ever used that) you might find out more. But doing the detective work yourself can really start affecting you. If you get someone else to do it, you can be reasonably assured a thorough job has been done and you know pretty much what's been happening. A PI can chat with friends and colleagues, secretaries, of your H too, which you probably can't at this point. Money tells a story too -- can you get a credit check on your H? That would show credit cards he may have in his own name.

fairy, take everything bar a few pounds out of the joint savings and put in your account - if is joint is joint and you can both equally withdraw - dont be naive to think he isnt about to do the same!(if he hasnt already)

you are the one left with the dcs - you take the money and let him ask about it later....

take it all and put in your account for safekeeping. and to use as needed eg childcare in summer.

but yes go to GP and get signed off for two weeks for now....

dont feel sorri for him or consider it his money - it's for you and dcs. this may be the only financial help you get right now from him.

YYY FGM, please do this. You are entitled to, as is your H. Leave the token amount there and keep the account open.

You have no idea when or if he will make any further contribution, no matter what he has agreed verbally, and you will have to spend some on a solicitor too.

Re: the dcs wanting to stay off school , we had a few what I secretly termed mental health days off school.
Told the kids duvet days and we just sat on the sofa under a duvet watching rubbish and eating rubbish.
Just being physically close together helped enormously.
In the end I got a pupply! It gave a whole lot of extra love and emotional release into the home.
Not advocating a pupply mind but if you can think of a new toy or a goldfish or gerbil or something.
It worked for us but maybe not everyone

In case you didn't know what a pupply was.
Puppy!

Just hoping your evening is going quietly and nicely. You can cross off another day with you still standing.
xxxx

fairy

Sleep well. I hope the snuggles with the girls help you to feel safe tonight.

Did you manage to get into the doctors?

Back tomorrow.

xxxx

Fairy, I posted at the start of the thread,and don't have anything else to add that hasn't been said before but I really wanted to let you know that

1. I am still thinking about you every day and the shitty time you are going through.
   It doesn't seem fair that life goes on all around you when something seismic turns your own upside down.

2. you are doing so well, even when you think that you aren't.Always look for the positives- getting through the routinme of a day right now is enough.

3. things will get better- as trite as it sounds right now, they will. I watched a friend go through a similarly traumatic time last year-she is a different woman now.

4. you are not alone- use every friend you have in RL and online to help you- be greedy, be selfish, be as angry as you want to be, you have every right.

Well done for not taking this lying down, for fighting back with dignity, and wishing you strength for the days ahead.

Sorry not to reply earlier today - had a bit of a meltdown, nothing for anyone to worry about but have just been struggling to hold it all together. Saw the gp, told him all about it, he's signed me off for a week for now because he wants me to go back, as I refused any sleeping tablets etc. Will seriously consider a duvet day or two, dd2 was apparently 'not really there' in class today and even getting them to and from school seems like a mammoth effort right now but I've got the solicitor tommorrow (11 for someone who asked) so don't really want to take them there. Have taken half of our savings, I know I could probably take more but feeling so paranoid I need to wait to speak to solicitor.

Thank you to everyone who's given me advice about the phone bills but I'm only just keeping on top of everything that needs doing now, I don't know whether it's right or wrong but I feel like I couldn't care less what he's done, I'm imagining so many scenarios that even if he's got 5 women pregnant I don't think I could feel worse. I will definitely get to the root of it one day but it's too much for now.

Thank you for all the encouragement, means so much at the moment, keep mentally thinking of all these MN'ers following me round in spirit. Mouseface and mathanxiety, you must have written essays on here by now, I feel so touched by everyone's support.

And have always agreed it's not an impulse decision but really taken with the idea of a puppy now! Going to be with the girls now, took a Nytol an hour ago and only just feeling sleepy. Just wanted to say all the posts weren't being ignored.

Well done, you're getting so much done. So brave.

I think you're right to have the attitude right now of "I don't care less.." In the end, it's all water under the bridge anyhow, details. If a friend treated you the way your H has done, would you still be friends? You are right to focus on what needs to be done, on your girls, on yourself especially, because they can't go on without you.

xxxxx

I'm in Australia so my timelines are out from yours, fairy, but I hope thaty you're sleeping, and that when you wake up things seem a little brighter.

Good luck with the solicitor today, OP. You must have a list of questions as long as your arm ... hope they can help. I was wondering if they would be able to summarise their advice by letter afterwards ... would free you up to listen without the need to taking too many copious notes.

Puppies are lovely. But not as nice a kitties.

Will be thinking of you at 11!

StillWondersAfter15YearsWhyMenThinkTheyAreOKWithThisFuckwittageButNoLongerHurtingAboutAnyOfIt AfterAbout5MonthsTiggaxx

Morning FG,

Thinking of you.

Keep going girl.

(oh and doggies and kitties are nice. I vote for both!)

You will need to find a pupply . Well done for making new life.

Or do the decent thing and adopt an adult dog or cat from a rescue centre. There are many many lovely animals who are already housetrained and well-behaved, who sit in cages all day wondering what has happened to their life, and which have just as much love to give as a young 'un. Plus whatever you pay towards adopting them goes to save more animals in need. We got two cats this way and they're gorgeous.

Or, if a dog or a cat is too much hard work with things up in the air as they are, how about a big fat fluffy bunny? (There are a lot of rescued bunnies about too.)

Climbing off hobby-horse now!

Good luck with the solicitor today fg, nothing more to add that hasn't been said on this thread but please, just know, there are hundreds of women out there thinking about you at 11am. x

Just to say thinking of you FG, hope you got the dc of to school ok and good luck with the solicitors today.

Make sure you have all your notes and questions, tell them to slow down if you need to write things down.

I know this must be a really hard step for you, but it's a big one in the right direction and I hope it means you feel a bit more informed about the decisions you will need to make when you're ready.

Another of your in-spirit supporters wishing you well this morning FG

You are being amazingly strong!

fairy

Morning.

I totally agree about dealing with the 'digging about for stuff' at a later date if it suits you. I couldn't do it and got past the point of caring about the details. He'd left, he'd cheated and he'd lied. That was all I needed.

I know some people can handle going through credit card bills, phone records, speaking to friends/colleagues etc and to a certain extent, that is how they survive those first few weeks and months; by getting angry at what they find.

It helps them to detach from the life that they knew before the infidelity came to light.

You are doing so very well. I bet you are sick of hearing that but you are!!!

The girls will have vacant days when they just seem to be 'thinking' but maybe don't ask you any questions. They will be trying to piece all of this together and make sense of it in their own minds.

I'm glad you went to see the GP and that he has only signed you off for a week. You clearly have a GP who realises how much a person can change in a short apace of time and would rather review you than assume you will follow a certain path IYKWIM.

Well, it's nearly 10:15. I hope that the solicitor can help give you a clear idea of 'what next'. If you read this in time, ask any questions that you think of. Even if you think they are daft.

Remember that, unfortunately, he/she does this all of the time. Don't hold back.

Good luck. I hope the girls have a better day.

xxxx

PS - half of the savings is fine until you know more. Just make sure you have some money to get by on for now until more structured arrangements are put into place.

Thinking of you here as well, hope all goes well at the solicitor.

Good luck with the solicitor and I also vote for the pupply

He sounds like a Narcissist to me - seriously messed up in the head. What is his relationship with his parents like?

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be hell on earth. You sound like an amazing, strong woman though. Good luck x

Hope solicitor is going/has gone well! Did your H reply to the email about the finances and access to the house at all?

You're doing so well xxx