In shock, just another one

[fairygodmotherto3]

I've changed my name for this, please don't shout troll at me, I feel too stunned about this myself. Someone dropped a letter through the door at lunchtime, no idea who, from my dh. Says he's not coming home, he's leaving me because I'VE been having an affair! It said he'd suspected for a while but couldn't take any more. I haven't, no secret meetings, no even mildly interesting texts, no idea when I'd have time to anyway. Tried phoning him, no answer and daren't phone his work, I don't know what to do. I thought we were ok, probably not the perfect marriage but ticking along alright. Got to pick up dd's soon, what do I tell them? Feel so sick and dizzy.

Just read this thread and OMG. What a twisted bastard. OP you are getting good advice on here. Don't let him make you feel like it's your fault.

He is an absolute disgusting pig. The letter, the accusations of an affair etc etc. I could slap him.

Had a knackering day with my parents, they both fussed over me and the girls which I really appreciate but felt very claustrophobic again, having to talk about it ALL the time.

My mum went and got some Nytol and bits and pieces, so will try that for a better sleep, have a valium left over (from last dentist appt) but they make me spaced out so didn't want to use one, glad to hear the Nytol don't. Still feel so numb, sick all the time, have started randomly retching too, feel so fluey, trying to eat but just can't beyond an odd biscuit.

Phoned df, she'd done the online billing for dh's phone and mine (which I never use), I was logging into wrong one - logged into his, tonnes of calls but he uses his phone a lot anyway, I don't recognise half the numbers so no idea where to start, no glaring pattern.

Going to talk to school, couple of mums I could handle talking to as well, going to try and get tommorrow off work, don't feel like I can physically do it, let alone mentally. Will try and get appt for GP, even if just to try and get sick note.

Sorry for being slow but someone said if I write to him telling him I'm going to take half of our savings that would be ok and not drop me in it legally? Does email count, no idea where to send a letter! Have an email open to him for stuff like not visiting without warning, typed a few words than ran away from it again. Keep dreading tommorrow, and the solicitor on Tuesday.

Df did look through most recent bank statement and payslips when she was here, to check for hotel bills etc but we couldn't see anything obviously out of the ordinary.

Crap, just shouted at dd1 to go to bed just because she'd asked for a glass of Coke for the 3rd time.

Shouting at DD was pretty much inevitable, you're stressed to the max! Hope she's forgiven you now

Afaik, you can just take half of any joint money. It would be courteous to tell him, but I'm not sure how much courtesy he merits!

You can ring up Equifax and Experian to tell them he's moved out and to disconnect your finances. This is a business thing, not a legal one, but it will help to protect you if he does anything crazy like taking out a new loan to buy a Maserati. You can also ring the Land Registry to register your interest in your home - it isn't necessary, as you're married, but it will stop a potential sale in its tracks. Get someone else to make these calls for you; you've got more urgent ones to do!

I'm relieved you're going to the doctor. Hope you sleep

I'm sure shouting at dcs happened pre h leaving you so she will be aware that it will pass.

Just go and apologise and cuddle up in bed againg.
I did a lot of sleeping with two dcs in my bed after my split. It does help.

FG

I posted way up at the beginning of this thread, but everyone else's advice has been so wonderful, I have just lurked for a little while. (You have popped up in my thoughts quite often, and so I've been surreptitiously looking at your thread while out and about just to make sure you're ok. That's a bit weird I guess, but, my God girl, I've been where you are.)

OK. The panic-y, paranoid, wanting to hide feelings are completely normal; as is the not eating or sleeping. Deep breaths, love, this too shall pass.

Don't worry about snapping at your daughter - if she usually asked for coke 3 times would you have snapped at her? I'm guessing yes, so don't worry.

You're in my thoughts.

Another lurker, glad to see the initial telling of kids and parents is over and you managed to meet with twatty H without killing him.
You are doing fantastically well FG, one step at a time and we are all with you.
Keep going, you have had some amazingly good advice on here that will help you through this nightmare and out the other side.

fairy

Hello you wonderfully strong woman you.

How are you now? Are the girls in bed?

Please don't go to work tomorrow. Just don't. But do tell them why you won't be there. Be honest. This is happening so the sooner you can say it out loud, the better you will begin to feel. I know how hard that will be.

I promise. It gets easier to say the words over time. Call your GP. Tell the receptionist that yes, it is an emergency and if she asks the nature, tell her it is very sensitive and you NEED to see your/a GP today. Please can she help. Give her the authority to do that for you.

Take whatever appointment that you can and if it clashes with the school run, confide and rely on one of the mums you mentioned.

You need a support netwrok around you, now more than ever.

You are aching. I knew you would be. You feel like you have been sideswiped by a 50 tonne truck. That is all normal too I'm afraid.

Please rest as and when you can. When the girls are at school tomorrow, try to nap.

And eat. Did you manage any of your mum's roast?

Tomorrow is bank day. Call them and see how they can help re the joint account. Letting H know via e-mail is fine, you just need a hard copy of what you say to him so print it out along with any replies that you get from here on in.

Keep a written log of calls for, to and from him.

You have so much to do but CAB can help you on Tuesday and so will the solicitor on Thursday.

I hope that I have that the right way around. When are you due to speak to H again? Or expect contact from him?

Are you on facebook BTW?

I hope the Nytol helps. Anything you need, just ask.

If you don't sleep, just rest xx

Another poster thinking of you fg - I just wanted to say that even though you probably don't feel it right now your strength of character really shines through in your posts and I know that you will pick yourself up and be absolutely fine.

Agreed msboogie.

It's just over 18 months, since my husband did something similar, so thinking of you. It is crap and takes for ever to get over it. So sending you as much moral support as you can by e-mail.
There's no point telling you to eat, because you won't be able to and no point telling you to get some sleep because you can't. Don't try and work out why your partner has done what he has done, because you won't be able to. It's because he's an immature little prat and there is no reason. He will start saying all sorts of things about your behaviour in order to justify his own, most of which will be untrue. Oh, if you just need to rant, feel free.
And when you find the other woman, can we all turn up when the two of them together and let them know what a pair of nasty little XXXXX they are?

I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you're getting but just wanted to reiterate that you're coping amazingly! I hope you're sleeping and the nytol has worked a bit.

Just a couple of practical things - a household breakdown as the Tax Credit Office calls it brings your entitlement under a joint claim to an end. If you're claiming tax credits you will need inform the TCO and they should advise you to make a new claim.

All money in a joint account belongs to both of you (not just 50% each). I'd bring up this with the solicitor and ask what s/he advises. It'd be legal as far as I know to take the whole lot out tomorrow so long as the account allows such a withdrawal on the authority of one account holder, but it might not be advisable in the context of a separation.

Best to you and your daughters, hope things start to get brighter soon.

"...Have an email open to him for stuff like not visiting without warning, typed a few words than ran away from it again. Keep dreading tommorrow, and the solicitor on Tuesday. "

Make sure you don't come across as asking permission from him to take half the joint account and put it in your name -- tbh, I would just go to the bank and ask them what you can do wrt the account, and then inform your H when you've done whatever it is that they advise.

I would use the term 'advance permission' and not 'warning' about visits. Warning means he is free to come and go as long as he tells you (perhaps when he draws up outside in his car?). Permission means he needs to ask you if it's ok, and find out when it's ok, from you. It's a power play by you. Permission has a different implication from warning, that you're the queen of your own castle and he has left and gone. Which you are, and which he has.

Don't worry about shouting at your DD -- it might even have been the 'normal' reaction' that she was looking for, not the Coke.

Hope you get some rest with the Nytol. XXX

Good luck tomorrow.

Hi FG - littlecritter is right. Get as much time off sick that you need. I took 2 weeks off after I found out about my h's affair. I am a nurse as well and there is no way I'd have been up to my usual duties. I couldn't even eat or sleep properly so there's no way I'd have been able to work. After 2 weeks I felt ready to go back but every situation is different. I don't know about PIs but if you can't get any proof from phone bills/bank statements maybe that might be your only option. Where is your h staying at the moment? Another option might be to get a friend to follow him when he finishes work. That was the time my h used. He used to meet ow (a colleague)for drinks followed by the inevitable. I know a lot of mners will be against the idea of sneaking around like this, but how else do you get proof?

Thanks again for all the support, had a long sleep thanks to the Nytol but so many weird dreams. Phoned in sick, barely got up in time to get dds ready for school so couldn't get myself ready too anyway, they were more understanding when I said I was going to gp (waiting for a callback from now). Just finishing the email from last night now, thanks for the advice on what to put, mind is still a blank on all this stuff.

Will do Equifax etc later. Don't know where h is staying, he should be going to holiday flat today so will ask that in email too. Don't have Facebook, no idea when h will call again, will call bank and take out half savings at least as soon as I send the email, just in case. Got solicitor tommorrow, CAB next Tuesday. Sort of a relief answering all the q's here, keep forgetting half this stuff myself.

Have been sleeping with dds, think that at least is helping us, they were asking not to go to school this morning, didn't have a clue what to do, don't want to force them but don't want them stuck here with me staring at the tv/pc/wall. Spoke to one of the mums, she offered to have dds at hers after school but said maybe later in the week, I don't know what state they'll be in. Didn't eat roast lunch yesterday but had ordered lots of snacky things in online shop that came yesterday so just keep picking. Still feel sick all the time and woke up today with stomach cramps and feel permanently puffy from crying - keep bloody crying over everything, getting so fed up of it! And can't stop thinking of h going to work, having a normal life, not having to spend half an hour working up to move off the chair, twat!

dont know if this is any help, but with the online mobile bill if you pick out a couple of the mobile numbers and press on your keyboard ctrl anf f together you have a search box come up just type in it one of the mobile phone numbers and it will tell you how many times that number is on that page its easier than sitting their and having to count!

i have been following and have to say what a brave strong woman you are, and an example of a good strong brave woman to your dds

I'm not surprised you're having weird dreams FG. It is your subconscious getting through.

I'm a bit puzzled about his phone bills. You said he has lots of calls on them, but what about texts? It seems strange to me that you don't see one number being called/texted more than others. How many bills have you looked at?

Because Orange give you access to 2 years worth of bills, you might find some info in relation to his story about the previous affair. If you don't, I really think that was a complete lie.

I've never come across a modern affair where the phone didn't betray all. Look for landline numbers too in the calls.

Doesn't surprise me that you haven't found any unusual expenditure in bills - practised philanderers use cash. The biggest expense anyway is usually hotel bills, but I imagine that OW is single and therefore has her own place.

fairy

So glad you have slept. Mathanxiety has made an excellent point about him gaining prior permission to come to the house. Stops him just turning up!

Maybe that can be something that the solicitor can put into place on in an official capacity?

Picking is better than not eating. Just pick when you want too.

Hopefully, the girls will be okay once they get into their day at school. But as I said, be prepared for a call to go get one or both of them.

Maybe not today or even this week. Just bear it in mind that they too will have wobbles and days when they are so very upset.

Crying is good. Not for your eyes, just to get it all out!!

Of course he is carrying on as normal. Nothing has changed for him other than the roof over his head.

He has been following his routine for a long time.

You have just had your life as you knew it taken away by him. Remember that. He has done this to you and your girls. Not you.

Nothing that you or the girls has done has made him do this. He did it because he wanted to.

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. It's not fair is it? He gets to walk away and carry on. You don't.

Please keep posting. Keep a copy of all e-mails between you and log any calls.

What time are you at the solicitors tomorrow?

You are doing so well. I know it's lonely but look how much stronger you are already!

Yes the tears will flow for the life you have lost and the man that you love. It's all part of the healing process.

Keep going at your own pace.

xx

Well - if there's nothing on the phone bill, it's possible he has another phone...

My DH had a 2nd Pay as Go phone for OW, so looking at phone bills may be of no use whatsoever - sorry

I lived off tea, rich tea biscuits and microwave popcorn for about a month, all food stuck in my throat.

Have a think about all your H's behaviour over the last couple of years, were there over imstances of bad "behaviour", small lies, manipulations etc. How was/is he with work colleagues and mates ? If I am honest, my DH demonstrated a lot of bad behaviours which I excused and never challenged him over much (except one where I said I didn't want him to do something as it was dishonest, he told me he wasn't going to do it but he went ahead anyway ). Do you see what I am trying to say, to build a picture because I think in most of these cases, the clues are there. My DH never took responsibility for anything in his life, his mum and dad bailed him out of problems in his younger days etc. His affair and effective abandonment of me and the DC was just another step in the bad behaviour.

You really need to start getting angry and try and find out what he is really up to if you can. There's normally a grapevine and other people do know what is happening but don't like to tell you etc.

Good luck, take one day at a time and start thinking of yourself and DDs first at foremost. I tried to do something for myself everyday, I took a lot of baths to try and calm down and relax eg. Got my hair done and treated myself to some new clothes, anything to make yourself feel better .

Hi, FG. I posted way back at the beginning of this thread and have been keeping up to date ever since. You're doing so well and getting some really good advice. I feel so that such horrible things have happened to so many of the women on this thread. Please keep posting to let us know how you're getting on.

Just to let you know, another stranger on the internet thinking about you and hoping that you're doing o.k., getting angrier, figuring out how to rise above the crapness that your h has inflicted on you. I won't do hugs (not on here!) but sending strong thoughts and hopes...for you and your kids. You don't deserve this and your (hopefully soon to be ex) h is a prick.

Hope you're getting some rest and able to eat a little. If you are only picking that is fine, but try to drink some water/squash to keep yourself hydrated, especially as you are crying.

Having a bath in the day will fill up time, relax you and leave ou feeling more human.

Take things one day at a time.

You are doing brilliantly well, and will get through this. x