My wife says it's too little, too late

[benthebuilder]

Would have put this on Dadsnet, but it seems a bit quiet and I urgently need advice.
Basically, my wife has told me that my attempts to become more understanding regarding her needs and feelings is too little too late.
Dinn't realise how serious problem was until I read a letter of hers from solicitor regarding divorce.
Have attempted to talk with her about this, but she says it's far too late to show concern now, about 3 years too late actually.
I don't want a divorce, but she seems to have come to the end of the line with me and refuses to talk about it, saying I have left it too late.
What do I do now?
Also. I think things have come to a head over past few days and she is removing herself emotionally from our family.

Very sorry to hear.

Hmmm, the signs are bad if you only just clicked when you opened the solicitor's letter. Is someone else involved? Have you had counselling? Or any other intervention?

Benthebuilder. Sorry to hear this.

I don't often see husbands on here, looking to fix things. It's very heartening, and to be encouraged!

Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

So your wife is the unhappy party, who wants you to become more understanding.

Has anything in particular prompted this crisis? Do you know exactly what she wants you to do?

When she says to little too late - how late is it? When did you first realise there was a problem, and what have you done?

Have you had couples counseling?

do you normally open her mail?

I think you have a major problem if it takes a solicitor's letter to make you sit up and take notice

You should maybe start listening to your wife now, and take your lead from her

Is your wife on Mumsnet, Ben ?

sorry to hear this but if it's got to the stage that she has engged a solicitor then I think you have to accept it is over.

Do you have children? If so the best thing you can do is keep things as amicable as possible and do the right thing RE the kids.

Need a lot more info...

What has she expressed to you in the past about being unhappy in the marriage? Did she ever mention divorce and you didn't believe her? Or did she hold everything inside until now?

I think A LOT of humble pie may save the situation, but you've got to be genuinely really sorry for ignoring her cries of unhappiness (sorry, am assuming there were some). I think you've got to genuinely say you are willing to do ANYTHING to keep your marriage - whether you would like to do it or not. I imagine she'd like some outside help - so many women do, and so many men are too proud to say 'We have problems'.

Yes, don't let the solicitors take the dosh. Can you persuade her to go the arbitration route? For the sake of cost and relationship preservation.

Yes she is on mumsnet, that's how I knew about it.
No, I don't normally read her letters, but she has been acting so strange lately, I thought it was an affair, but it isn't, just had enough of me and kids basically.
Blames me for a crass remark I made that she claims ruined her life. To be fair, it was crass but I never realised the consequences til it was too late.
She is not bothered that I read her letter, she says she has nothing to hide, just had enough and is deciding what to do next for the best.
I have tried to make ammends over past few days, but she just shrugs and seems completly disintersted in what I suggest.
Think maybe I have left it too late.

yes, too late I think

and I hope you are not trying to bully influence her through this site

Have to add that Ihave been pretty selfish, ie, socialising while she looks after the kids, expecting meals on table, sex when I am in mood, etc.
I know, this all sounds bad but am not a bad person, just a bit thick when it comes to understanding women I suppose.

yes, it sounds bad

and now, Ben, I think you should feck off and let your wife get the support from MN that she deserves you controlling twat

Sounds very like my EX.

Her still doesn't really understand why I legged it.

Sorry, so just to clarify, you opened her letter?

what AnyFucker says. It's too late and I doubt discussing it here will change anything. What do you want people to say?

If anything you need to talk to your wife. If you have and she has explained there is no turning back then coming here to get support is probably not the best thing you can do given that she is also using it for support.

Bet it's more than 1 crass comment you made that made her go down the solicitors route. It's not something a mum/ wife does lightly or when in abit of strop.

Did she tell you why she was unhappy? For the last 3 years, and you didn't listen? Be honest....

Hear hear, AF. I wuv you

He not her.

Typed bit too quickly in exasperated anger!

It's sad. But it sounds like she tried and tried and tried and you could not / would not hear.

You left it too late. Now it's 'oh my god, she's really going to leave me, shit, what do I do?' that you are taking her seriously?

I'm sorry for you.

I don't think mumsnet can help you.

Because nothing we say can change her mind, and nor, I think, would any of us presume to try.

Perhaps what you could do is give her the space she is asking for, be reasonable and accomodating - carry on listening - and see how things go.

When you say she's had enough of you and the kids, are you saying she is leaving the children with you? Or is it that you are still not really hearing what she's saying?

Had enough of you and kids?

That's drastic. Are you saying she wants you have custody of your kids?

It's a bit bad form to come here with it though, if you know she used mn to offload.

You thought she was having an affair with her solicitor?
The letter you opened would have looked pretty official, I'm thinking?
Not like a love letter.

TBH you do sound controlling.

What was the remark?

hey, vicks I wuff you too

Well Ben, if you have been like that for years, and she has been trying to tell you that she wasn't happy, I'm not surprised she has had enough. It's not really about understanding women, it's about understanding that other people are as important as you are, and that your wishes and needs don't always come first. You are a bit thick if you have been that way for years and didn't realise it wasn't making her happy. Why would it? Why would anyone want to stay at home every night while their partner goes out and has fun whenever they want? Why would anyone want to be treated like an unpaid domestic servant slash sexual object?

Seriously, if you want to make things work you have to take a long long look at yourself and beg your wife to go to counselling with you, and accept humbly what she says, then try to change big time.