My wife says it's too little, too late

[benthebuilder]

Would have put this on Dadsnet, but it seems a bit quiet and I urgently need advice.
Basically, my wife has told me that my attempts to become more understanding regarding her needs and feelings is too little too late.
Dinn't realise how serious problem was until I read a letter of hers from solicitor regarding divorce.
Have attempted to talk with her about this, but she says it's far too late to show concern now, about 3 years too late actually.
I don't want a divorce, but she seems to have come to the end of the line with me and refuses to talk about it, saying I have left it too late.
What do I do now?
Also. I think things have come to a head over past few days and she is removing herself emotionally from our family.

oh, yeah - that was a grin at AF, not a manical, grinning oddly at nothing in particular smile that makes people cross the road.

Jesus this thread is moving fast. I'm betting at least 250 posts by 9am tomorrow...

You didn't need to understand women - you needed to care enough about her to hear what she was saying to you and to act on it.

I'm sorry that you didn't take more care.

Nothing is ever 100% one persons fault, so I'm not going to make you the devil and her the saint but really, you need to accept her choice and accept your part in her making this choice.

You didn't listen to her when it could have saved your marriage, you should at least listen to her now at the ending of it.

if ben is genuine, then you are all being very harsh...... and may I say flippant

all of us?

It sounds to me like it is too late for this relationship, so I don't think the suggestions of couples counselling are altogether helpful. Ben, if you feel you don't understand women, maybe you would benefit from some counselling on your own. Preferably before you enter into another relationship.

Ihave been pretty selfish, ie, socialising while she looks after the kids, expecting meals on table, sex when I am in mood, etc

.......................

Speaks for itself I think.

I think some of you MNs are being a little bit harsh. I mean, yes it doesn't look that good but this guy clearly wants to save his marriage (even though it might be too late) or he wouldn't have come here to ask for help.

Right, well I can see you are all pretty pissed with me, so just to clarify:
she is on mumsnet, but doesn't know I have joined
I opened the letter because it had Solicitor's name plainly printed on envelope
and the crass comment I made was difficult to explain
really only wanted advice because I want to save my marriage, not divorced

if Ben is a genuine what ? pray tell

he knows his wife uses Mumsnet

he comes on here with a tale of "woe is me"

I don't fucking think so

Ben...go to "TopGearRUS" or summat

better still, communicate with your wife (face to face, yes ?)

your presence here is inappropriate

no, Hecate, not quite all of you. But the general reaction on the thread is very negative.

Really AF? So which men exactly are welcome on MN? Tis not an exclusive club you know.......

I'm not pissed off with you Ben I just seriously don't think that anyone here can help you save your marriage.

You can't make someone change their mind. Sorry, but it just doesn't work that way.

nobody here can tell you how you can save your marriage because we can't tell you how to get your wife to change her mind.

I think that you need to give her space. She will not have made this decision lightly and if you crowd her now it will not help matters.

I do want you to explain the crass comment though , cos I'm nosy. what were the words you used? Surely not difficult to type them?

shiney...if an ex of yours opened your mail then came on here (knowing you were a member) asking for support, you would be ok with it ?

AF, please dial that back - we don't know the full story, only what ben has so far revealed.

He clearly feels bad about this, and would like some helpful suggestions.

It could be argued that he'd also subconcsiously like a good kicking, but I think it's fair to say he's now had at least a bit of that.

Aayways.

Ben - have you suggested Relate, or at least mediation for the divorce proceedings?

Also, would you clarify what another poster picked up earlier - is your wife sick of you and the kids? Is she thinking about handing custody to you?

"I know, this all sounds bad but am not a bad person, just a bit thick when it comes to understanding women I suppose."

Ben, instead of thinking you should understand women, what you need to be doing is talking with and listening to your wife.

he's not her ex, he's her husband.

I know my wife uses mumsnet because she told me.
She was talking about something funny she had read on here a while back.
Also she has never tried to hide her laptop and leaves it running on mumsnet in full view ine kitchen. That's how I know
Also, I have no interest in top gear just because I'm a bloke thankyou.

funnys...where have I said men are not welcome on MN ?

that is a ridiculous extrapolation of my comments

Does your wife know you are on here? I'm having trouble with my partner atm, I use MN a lot for support and to air my annoyances so that I don't end up thumping him.

I'm not sure how I would feel if he came on here looking for support.

It sounds like your wife and I have a lot in common and I am sorry to tell you, that I doubt there is anything much he could do to change my mind wrt leaving him. She probably feels the same.

The only thing you can do, if you love her,is give her space. Allow to do what she needs to without making things more difficult for her.

AR ' your presence here is inappropriate' implies that his presence here as a man is 'inappropriate'.

Don't think any woman would be told that.