My wife says it's too little, too late

[benthebuilder]

Would have put this on Dadsnet, but it seems a bit quiet and I urgently need advice.
Basically, my wife has told me that my attempts to become more understanding regarding her needs and feelings is too little too late.
Dinn't realise how serious problem was until I read a letter of hers from solicitor regarding divorce.
Have attempted to talk with her about this, but she says it's far too late to show concern now, about 3 years too late actually.
I don't want a divorce, but she seems to have come to the end of the line with me and refuses to talk about it, saying I have left it too late.
What do I do now?
Also. I think things have come to a head over past few days and she is removing herself emotionally from our family.

Ben, i think all you can do is request a face to face talk with your wife, somewhere nutral, away from your kids and talk, and talk and talk some more.... tell everything you are feeling no matter how stupid it sounds and then listen hard to what she has to say.

You dont sound like a bad guy, just someone who has taken his wife for granted and now regrets that and has had a wake up call.

I have wished in the past that my dp would come on here and get some advice on relationships, otherwise he compares our relationship to all of his mates ones, which i have never thought was a good idea.

jujusdad...what exactly do you think is inapropriate?
Am asking you because everyone else seems to be having some kind of bar room brawl while I stand in the middle watching.

Ben, your being a man isn't an issue. Your posting on MN when your wife already uses the site just is a bit too close for comfort. I would be fairly gobsmacked if my DH did that tbh.

Anyway, I am not sure what advice you want. Your wife has had enough and you cannot make someone love you if they want out. "Three years too late" is a lot more than a single crass comment IMHO. If I was your wife and I read this I'd be thinking that it is not about understanding women, it is about caring enough to notice that someone you are in a partnership with - and supposed to love- is unhappy. I'm not sure how you make amends for that - flowers and short term changes won't cut it. Basically you are looking for her to remember why she fell for you, and I would imagine that takes time, space, respect, romance and a hefty dose of luck and timing.

Ben: she refuses to talk, so write a letter. Explain. Apologise. Offer to talk it through. Give her time and space.

Although you may have to accept that it is all too little, too late. Really, you didn't see this coming?

benthebuilder I think it's rather sad that people are giving you such a hard time when you're making what seems like a genuine plea for help. Especially as you have freely admitted that your past behaviour has been unreasonable.

Your wife would probably be amazed that you care so much about your marriage. You need to convey this to her. She is clearlt exasperated with you and feels that you cannot change. No one can change completely as a person but what you can do is show her the caring, compassionate, considerate person that you want to be. Tell her that you love her and will work hard to rebuild your relationship. It just might make a difference.

Do follow some of the good advice re: counselling/putting the children first/not point scoring etc.

Good luck!

HecateQueenOfWitches gave you some really good advice there. I second that

What fortyplus said. Good luck.

Hold on a minute!
Why is it wrong for me to look for advice on the same site my wife uses?
We both use Facebook, is that wrong?
Hate to say this, but there seems to be a double standard thing going on here.
And, no, she will not read this and know it's me, because as far as she's concerned, me going on mumsnet is ...unbelievalble!

Ben, it's inappropriate because
a) you specifically came on MN knowing it's a forum your DW uses
b) you have your presumably real name and job in your MN name, which not many people have.
Both those together make you recognisable, so it looks as though you are trying to talk to her via the site, because if she reads the thread she'd recognise your name, job and situation.

Do you think she'll think "oh poor Ben he can't understand WOMEN, these last 3 years when I've been trying to tell him how I feel and he's ignored me, now I understand why!"

Advice - stop trying to persuade a load of anonymous strangers that you are a poor little hard-done-by chap, and talk to your wife using your mouth, about what she wants you to DO to save your marriage. I hope it's not too late. All the best.

It was inappropriate to have opened her letter, and it can (& is being viewed) by some people as being inappropriate to come to what may well be your wife's source of support to ask for support for yourself.

There's also the fact that not so long ago, a male poster came to MN asking for advice about what to do about his relationship - wife had disappeared with kids, gone to refuge. Turned out he'd been beating and abusing her horribly, and had bought a shotgun just a week or two before...

SO.

Advice - Hecate said it very well on page 3, Haliborange says it well on page 4, as does LLUA.

HTH

Ben, it could be seen as controlling, intrusive, entering into a conversation where your wife is being open and honest and seeking advice sneakily without her knowing you are here. I personally don't think you intended to do that, but I believe there was a man who came on here with the express intent of messing with his wife and trying to humiliate her or something. I think that's why people are reacting strongly.

Oh, and what 40+ said.

Also, Ben, you're only responding to the attacking posts, and not to the well-thought out and considered advice that you have been offered.

This poor bloke...

Don't necessarily want to give hope where there may not be any, but my friend has stayed together with her husband after getting to this point. I'm afraid I don't know how or why she decided to stay, but I can't see any harm in you continuing to make some really genuine efforts. Obviously, they'd need to be lasting, not for a week, and you are going to have to see if she will engage in some serious talking (and you'll need to apologise a lot). Maybe you could write to her if you aren't good at saying the right things?

Most women, at least those that I know, appreciate effort and tokens of affection etc.. Can you book her a massage? Arrange for a sitter so you can go and watch the sunset together somewhere? I'm sure some of my fellow mumsnetters will shoot all this down, bu this is stuff that might work for me in such circumstances. At least it would make me think you were putting in some effort.

Even if, in the long run, your attempts to save your marriage don't work, maybe they would be helpful in maintaining a good relationship for the benefit of your children, as you will need to communicate re their welfare etc.. Good luck.

"Why is it wrong for me to look for advice on the same site my wife uses?"

do you use Facebook regularly?

Do you use Mumsnet regularly?

Do you use any other online forums?

It just seems strnge that you would go straight to Mumsnet for support when you haven't used it before and yet you know your wife uses it. You might think it's normal but it's not and so maybe you should examine your reasons for doing so and you will see why it's a bit odd.

Oh my god, I do NOT have a gun, my wife is not in a battered wives fefuge.
No, that is not my real name or my real proffesion.
Anything else???
I only came on here because I (stupidly) thought I might get some advice...forget it.

Both of you using Facebook is an entirely different scenario, which you must surely understand. You have posted on here asking for help and support which may well come from the same people who in the past have offered your wife help and support. Can you not see why that is making some people uneasy? Particularly if she has been miserable for three years, the odds are pretty high she has posted about you in some detail.

You have already got some very good sane advice, which you haven't even acknowledged. I am not sure you are for real. If you are for real, take that good advice if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

If my ex for eg had come up to me and said 'I am sorry that for the last few years I have been an insensitive twat, I do love you and I want you to tell me what I have to do to fix this'.... then maybe, just maybe we would still be together.

But of course he didn't, so we aren't and he hardly ever bothers to see his child. If that is not the future you want, get talking to her NOW.

this poor bloke...

ffs

Spero and others are right, you are choosing to only respond to the negative unhelpful posts rather than aknowledging and discussing the many helpful reasonable ones.

but... you are gone.

It's not like using facebook though, where you have your own circle of friends and postings are in a sense private. This is more like going to your wife's local (assuming for some reason that you drink separately) or her workplace and asking for advice on how to save your marriage from her friends/colleagues.

not getting what you wanted ben ?

ben - if you're still here, or if you come back, look to the longer posts where considered advice, support and suggestions are being given.

I know what you're thinking - Christ, I didn't want to start another fight - but like you said yourself - you've got to look to those calmer postings while the rest of the thread is a bar brawl.

There is advice for you here on this thread. Hope it is good for both of you and for your kids.

I think that I understand why she thinks he doesn't listen.

good point Portia. Not wishing to be a feminazi anti man, but I recognise this technique... pick up and argue about one thing which is not central, thus avoiding dealing with the real issue.

Ben you've been given some good advice on here, but you don't want to hear it.

So, I'm not sure there is any advice that anyone can give you that will make a difference to your marriage.

There is no magic wand that we can give you. If the opinions are not what you expected, you can be sure that your wife will have been given similar by her friends.

Unless you want to change, there is no point asking for advice is there?